The Survivor and his Safe Place

by Rebecca James

“We’re good,” I said.

  “You two fought about me, didn’t you?” Caleb suddenly asked.

  Isaac slipped out of my embrace to face Caleb.

  “I was just afraid Axel would get hurt.”

  “Because I’m a freak,” Caleb said, and my heart clenched.

  Isaac shook his head. “No.”

  “You say that, but you know it’s true,” Caleb muttered.

  “I’m sorry,” Isaac said. “It’s none of my business, and I was wrong, anyway.”

  Caleb stared off into the distance, and Isaac looked like he wanted to sink into the floor.

  “I’ll just go help Hugh,” he said, and disappeared inside the house.

  I reached out and swiped my thumb across Caleb’s lips, sucking in a breath when his tongue came out and touched my skin. For a moment, I imagined him pulling the digit inside the warm cavern of his mouth, and my dick surged against the material of my jeans.

  Shouldn’t have gone commando.

  “When are you going to kiss me?” Caleb asked.

  Who was this bold guy who’d taken over Caleb’s body? Texting me, confronting Isaac…and now he was coming at me with guns blazing. I stared at his freckled face framed by those bouncy curls, at a total loss for what to say, and the next thing I knew, he stepped up to me, stood on his tiptoes, and pressed his soft mouth to mine.

  I don’t know if my lips opened in shock or to get more of him, but when Caleb ran his tongue along them, I gasped.

  “Don’t you want to kiss me?” he whispered into my mouth. My body was on fire with need for him. I was afraid if I allowed myself to move, I’d pin him against the wall and take my fill.

  When he started to pull away, I saw the hurt in his eyes and came to my senses. I pulled him close, and he relaxed when our mouths met again, this time with me taking a much more active part.

  The feel of Caleb’s wet tongue against mine blasted my brain clean of thought. I don’t know how long we stood there, tasting each other, before voices from inside the house pulled us apart.

  Isaac and Silvers stepped out onto the porch, deep in conversation about the cat. Lips red and swollen from our kiss, Caleb moved back and leaned against the house.

  “You have an appointment today, right?” Isaac asked after he’d seen Silvers to his car. I realized neither Caleb nor I had acknowledged the vet’s leaving.

  Caleb finally tore his gaze from mine to look at Isaac.

  “Yeah. Three o’clock.”

  “Okay. I’ll be ready.” Isaac looked from Caleb to me and back again before heading toward the main house.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Caleb

  “I don’t know what got into me,” I told Dana. I’d blurted out that I’d kissed Axel before my butt hit the couch.

  “Sounds like your libido,” she said when I didn’t offer anything else.

  I smiled shyly. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “You’re young. It’s natural.”

  I licked my lips. The rest of Axel’s visit had been spent with us playing Frisbee with the dogs. We hadn’t kissed again, but my lips still tingled from the memory. And I wanted more.

  “Do you think I shouldn’t have done that?”

  “Why would I?” Dana surprised me by asking.

  “Well, because…” I stopped, unsure, then came out with it. “Because I’m broken.”

  Dana put down her pen. “You’re not broken. If you like Axel and kissing him seemed the right thing to do at that moment, then it’s fine. Do you regret it?”

  I shook my head, unable to hold back a grin. “No. I want to do it again.”

  “As long as you don’t push and neither does he, the situation is as right as you feel it is. You said you two stayed outside all day. I assume that’s because that’s what made you most comfortable.”

  I nodded.

  “Axel seems to respect your boundaries.”

  “He does.”

  “Okay, then. I don’t see a problem.”

  I thought about bringing up the fight I’d witnessed, but I was afraid it would cast Axel in a bad light. I wasn’t worried about it anymore, so why mention it?

  “Let’s talk about the night of the home invasion,” Dana said, and I groaned.

  “Again?” I’d much rather talk about kissing Axel.

  During our last session, I’d finally gotten through the entire ordeal beginning to end—or at least all I was willing to tell. It had been brutal.

  “And you need to go through it again. We’ve discussed this,” Dana said.

  We had, and I knew she was right because even though talking about it felt like ripping my heart out of my chest, the nightmares had lessened since I’d opened up. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself back to that night.

  “Describe what you saw.” Dana stopped me when I got to the part where I’d gotten a better look at the living room.

  “I saw blood,” I said.

  “Where?”

  My heart jumped, and I realized that up until that point in the narrative, I’d been able to distance myself somewhat. Evidently, that wasn’t what Dana wanted.

  Annoyed, I gritted my teeth and said, “Everywhere.”

  She raised a brow.

  I took a deep breath and said, “The floor, the couch, the walls…everywhere.” I pressed my hand to my racing heart. “Her blood was fucking everywhere!” Hot tears spilled over my eyes. “Are you happy now? I’m crying. But you don’t seem to be happy until I’m a sniveling mess. You want me to tell you what she looked like? How—h-how dead her eyes were?”

  Dana remained placid in the face of my anger. “Do you want to tell me?”

  I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut, and pulled at my hair. The pain felt good, so I pulled harder. “No. No no no no no no no.”

  The couch dipped, and a tissue was pressed into my palm. I wiped my eyes with it and blew my nose, feeling drained as though I’d been running for hours.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” I said in a garbled, wrecked voice that didn’t sound anything like mine.

  “You’re doing a great job.”

  Astonished, I looked at her through my tears.

  “What? No, I’m not. I’m a mess!” I shook my head. “I can’t believe you said that.”

  “Caleb, for four years you’ve repressed these memories, and in the past couple of months you’ve gone from completely refusing to talk about that night to relating it to me beginning to end. The crying is good. It means you’re letting it all out and actually feeling something. All the horror that’s been trapped inside you for so long.” She rubbed my shoulder. “Don’t you feel better for it? Later on, after you’ve rested?”

  I nodded. I couldn’t deny that I did. But it was like getting through a fucking war zone to get there.

  “I don’t like talking about it,” I said needlessly because duh.

  “I know. Would it help if I told you I don’t like listening? What happened to you was horrific and watching you suffer is heartbreaking. But we’ll push through this together because you’ll be a healthier, happier person for it.”

  ****

  I couldn’t believe I was doing it. Even as I got into Lake’s car, and we drove down the driveway, stopping at the mailbox at the end.

  “Want to back out?” Lake asked.

  I shook my head. “No.” I was going to do this.

  Lake pulled out onto the county road, and my stomach clenched.

  Pretend you’re going to one of your appointments, I told myself. But Lake wasn’t Isaac behind the wheel, and my subconscious knew it. I practiced counting and breathing while Lake kept up a commentary about something to do with squirrels and what colors they came in. By the time we were exiting, I was somewhat calmer than I had been when we’d started the journey.

  “Zeke and Morgan’s house is unreal,” Lake said. “And I come from money.”

  “You do?” I asked, looking at him with new eyes. Not that it mattered, but I guess I hadn’t pinned him that way. He’d said
he was on the outs with his family, so maybe they didn’t like he was gay.

  “Yep. But that’s over with. Now, I’m about as poor as they come. I have a tiny apartment over a deli and barely scrape by most months.” He sighed. “I probably should just do what Blaze’s been trying to get me to do and move in with him, but it feels like giving up to me.”

  “Move into the clubhouse? But wouldn’t that be, well, weird? With all the bikers there, I mean.”

  Lake chuckled. “You don’t know the half of it. But I’m used to them now, and I spend most of my nights there anyway. I’m paying for an apartment I barely use.” He frowned. “And now I’m using Blaze’s argument against myself.” He sighed and shook his head.

  I hadn’t paid attention where we were going, and looking out the window, I could see we’d entered an opulent neighborhood full of fancy houses with perfect lawns, albeit small ones.

  “Zeke and Morgan live here?” I asked in awe.

  Lake pulled the SUV, which I knew belonged to the Hedonists, into the short driveway of a two-story brick colonial with long windows and black shutters and a small, columned porch. As I sat staring at it, the front door opened and Morgan stepped out, barefoot and dressed in an old pair of jeans and a lilac T-shirt that said Dance It Out on the front.

  “I thought you’d never get here,” Morgan said, hugging me and then Lake.

  “We’re five minutes early,” Lake said, but Morgan was already ushering us inside where gleaming hardwood floors and tasteful furniture told me either Zeke or Morgan was quite the decorator. My money was on Morgan.

  “Zeke’s playing poker with the guys, so we’re here alone,” Morgan said, ushering us into the living room which somehow managed to be welcoming and elegant at the same time.

  “Your house is awesome,” I said, only marginally uncomfortable in the strange place. This was nothing like the house I’d grown up in. Ours had been a middleclass split-level with well-used furniture and stained carpeting my mom had tried to hide with fake Orientals. Unease trickled down my spine as memories of my mother fought their way to the forefront. Spotting a big tabby cat sitting on a table by the window, I walked over to make friends with it.

  “That’s Chester,” Morgan said. “He was hanging around when we moved in, so we kept him. Zeke protested a little, but Chester quickly won him over. Now they’re besties.”

  “He’s a pretty cat,” I said, running my hand along the animal’s long body and up his tail, tugging just a little before starting again at his head. Chester’s purring vibrated against my palm.

  “Let me show you around,” Morgan said, and began a tour of the place. By the time we came down the back stairs by the laundry room, I was a little lost before I spotted the kitchen up ahead.

  “Just one more room,” Morgan said and opened the door to a large dance studio with three mirrored walls and a dance barre.

  “Wow,” I said, walking over to look at a dozen framed photographs displayed on the unmirrored wall. “These are all of you.” I glanced at Morgan.

  “Christmas present from Zeke,” he said. “They’re all me playing principal roles.”

  I looked from one to the next.

  “That’s the prince in the Nutcracker,” Lake said from behind me, pointing to one. “And Albrecht in Giselle.” He touched the edge of the frame of another. He continued to the next. “Swan Lake, right? When Morgan looked impressed, Lake said, “I attended a lot of ballets when I was younger.”

  I studied the photographs, amazed at the graceful and difficult-looking positions. “You must be seriously limber,” I said, and both Lake and Morgan laughed.

  “Yeah, I guess I am,” Morgan said.

  “Something smells really good,” Lake said when he exited the room.

  “Lasagna. I’ll bet it’s ready.”

  Lake and I trailed after Morgan, who went straight to the oven in the big kitchen and peered in.

  “Nearly done. You want beers? Or I have soda.”

  “Soda, please,” I said. “Decaffeinated if you have it.”

  “Same,” Lake said. We helped fill glasses with ice, and once we had our drinks, we walked together into the living room.

  “How are things going with Ax?” Morgan asked me once we were settled.

  “Good. I’m glad you guys got us texting.”

  “You think it’s going anywhere?” Lake asked.

  I couldn’t help the smile that pulled at the corners of my mouth.

  “Something happened. Spill,” Morgan said, scooting to the edge of the big arm chair.

  Excitement bubbled within me. “We kissed,” I said, remembering the exquisite feel of Axel’s mouth on mine.

  “No way! Already?” Morgan asked.

  “You’re a fast mover.” Lake leaned back on the couch and crossed his legs. “I’m impressed.”

  “When did this happen?” Morgan demanded.

  “The other day when he came over to see me. We were out on the front porch.”

  “And he just kissed you?” Morgan’s dark eyes grew wide.

  “Actually, I kissed him.” At the shocked looks on my friends’ faces, I was filled with pride.

  “And he kissed you back?” Lake asked.

  “Of course he kissed him back,” Morgan scoffed, then looked at me. “Right?”

  I nodded, my face going hot.

  “Is he a good kisser?” Morgan asked. “I’ve always imagined he would be.”

  “I’m telling Zeke,” Lake teased.

  “Don’t you dare. He’ll think I’ve been fantasizing about Ax, and I haven’t. I just think there’s something really…I don’t know, deep, I guess, about him. You know, the big, domineering man with the kind heart. It’s quite the combination.”

  “I know, right?” I said, unable to stop myself from grinning. We all laughed, and in that moment I felt more normal than I had in years. It felt so good, I thought I’d cry with happiness.

  A ding from the kitchen had Morgan checking on the lasagna, while Lake launched into what a great kisser Blaze was, which led to a discussion of sex when we all sat down to eat.

  “The tips of your ears are red,” Lake said, and Morgan elbowed him. “Well, they are!”

  “Are we embarrassing you?” Morgan asked me. “We can change the subject.”

  I shook my head quickly. I wanted to hear everything they had to say. “No, no. It’s fine. I-I feel like this is…like I’m in a…regular situation.”

  Amazingly, they seemed to get what I was trying to say.

  Lake smiled and cut into his large square of lasagna with his fork.

  “Well, I’ll start off by saying that Blaze fucks like a…I don’t know, racehorse? Is that a thing?”

  Morgan and I both cracked up. “Does that mean he’s fast?” I asked around a bite of garlic bread.

  Lake’s eyes widened. “Hell, no. I just mean hard and steady. Just the way I like it.”

  I suddenly found it difficult to swallow my food and had to take a drink.

  “One of my favorite memories is me sitting reverse cowboy on Zeke in front of a mirror in the bedroom of my old apartment,” Morgan said. “Watching us like that was so erotic.”

  I realized my mouth had fallen open, and I snapped it shut and finished chewing.

  “I’ll bet Axel’s good in bed,” Lake said slyly. “Got any plans to try him out?”

  “Christ, Lake, they’ve only just kissed.” Morgan rolled his eyes. To me he said, “There’s no hurry.”

  I knew that was true, but I also wanted to be with Axel that way more than anything. It was as though I were two people, and I found myself trying to explain that to my new friends.

  “Part of me is just like any other twenty-one-year-old,” I said. “I want to jump him and do all kinds of dirty things. I’ve always loved tough-looking guys, and I still do, despite…” I trailed off.

  “That makes sense,” Morgan said. “You’re still you, after all.”

  “Yeah. But another part of me is scared. Not o
f having sex exactly, but of messing it all up.”

  “Have you ever done it before?” Morgan asked, and I shook my head.

  “How would you mess it up?” Lake asked. “The way Axel’s been pining after you for years, I’m sure whatever you guys did would be fine with him.”

  My insides warmed at that, and I smiled at Lake.

  “I guess I’m just afraid I’ll have a flashback…to that night. And I’ll freak.”

  “That’s why you should wait until you’re more comfortable,” Morgan said.

  “I guess all the porn I’ve been watching doesn’t help matters,” I said, and Lake sputtered on his sip of soda.

  “Dirty boy,” Morgan teased, and our conversation turned to how we all watched Hard Time porn, and Hung’s huge dick, and then how Nick was now his assistant. I didn’t know Nick, but Lake and Morgan’s stories about him had me cracking up.

  “I need to get Isaac to ask him to Sunday dinner. Julianne has a standing invitation, but so far she’s been busy carting her kids places and hasn’t been able to come.”

  Before I knew it, Zeke walked in the door, and I realized it must’ve been pretty late. Time had flown by without my even realizing it.

  Morgan gave Zeke a long, deep kiss that had the biker growling low in his throat and Lake and I readjusting ourselves in our pants.

  “We’ve been talking about porn all night,” Morgan said, pulling his husband closer and laying his head on Zeke’s shoulder. “I’m horny as hell.”

  “And that’s our cue to leave,” Lake said, standing up.

  Morgan laughed. “Sorry, not sorry. My gorgeous man is home, and I can’t wait to get him naked.”

  The tips of Zeke’s ears turned red, which was kind of funny.

  After thanking Morgan and saying our goodbyes, Lake and I climbed back into the SUV.

  Leaning back in the seat, I couldn’t help the smile that spread over my face. I’d survived my first evening out with friends since it had happened.

  I couldn’t wait to tell Dana.

  And I definitely couldn’t wait to see Axel again. Maybe going out on a date wasn’t totally out of the question. Maybe I’d ask him.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Axel