The Survivor and his Safe Place

by Rebecca James

  So damned hot.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Caleb

  Axel’s cock was thick and meaty, just as I’d imagined it. I’d only ever given one blow job in my life, and that had been a long time ago, my junior year of high school. And that time had been nothing like this. Evidently my hours watching porn had paid off because Axel really seemed to be enjoying himself.

  It’d been sensory overload when I’d straddled those muscular thighs and run my hands under his shirt. I loved the furry feel of his chest hair and the sound he made when I tugged on his nipple ring, like a wild animal eager to be let loose. There were so many things I wanted to do to him. With him. The fact he was large and could overpower me was as exciting as it was scary. I knew nothing about my reaction to him made sense; I just wanted him. Period. End of story.

  When the muscles in Axel’s abdomen quivered at what I was doing with my tongue, I sucked him down again, dying to taste his cum. He made a valiant effort to withdraw, but I wouldn’t let him, and when he spurted in my mouth, I felt like I’d won a prize. I swallowed every bit of his salty spunk before sitting back on my heels and grinning at him.

  I was proud at how wrung out he looked.

  “I didn’t expect that,” he said, panting.

  “Thank you for letting me do it.”

  Axel shook his head. “You got things backwards—it’s me who needs to thank you. That was…incredible. Fuck, Caleb.”

  “Was it really?” I had gone on instinct and what I’d seen on Hard Time videos.

  Axel pulled me back onto his lap and kissed me. “It was terrific. I didn’t know you wanted to do, uh, stuff like that with me.”

  “Of course I do. I’m a twenty-one-year-old gay man, and you’re hot as fuck.”

  Axel chuckled. “I think you’re hot too.”

  I knew I was grinning like a fool, but I couldn’t help it. “You do?”

  “God, Caleb, yes.” Axel cupped my face in his hands and looked at me in a way that turned me inside out. Somehow I knew Axel cared about me for more than just sex. I’d known it for some time and was sure it had something to do with why I trusted him now.

  “Does this mean we can do more?” I asked hopefully.

  Axel’s face clouded. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  I frowned, insecurity getting the best of me. Had I been wrong? Was I pushing myself on him? I moved off Axel’s lap onto the blanket. “It’s okay if you aren’t interested.”

  “Of course I’m interested. I’d have to be dead not to be,” Axel said, taking my hand. “But what about…” he trailed of.

  “What?”

  “Your recovery.”

  “What about it?”

  “Won’t fooling around with me set you back?”

  Unsure what he meant, I shook my head. “I don’t think so. I mean, I can’t go the rest of my life without sex.”

  Axel moaned and let go of my hand. He spent a few seconds tucking his cock back into his underwear before looking at me again.

  “I’ve scared you before. Won’t my…touching you and stuff—scare you? Or remind you of…things?”

  Axel was obviously uncomfortable trying to put whatever it was he was trying to say into words. Two splotches of color stained his cheeks.

  “Wasn’t I okay just now? I’m used to you,” I said. “I thought you knew that. I’ve invited you inside because I trust you. I can’t swear I’ll never have a flashback or something, I guess, but we can work through that, can’t we?” But maybe that was too much to ask. Maybe Axel didn’t want to take on me and my issues. I sucked in a shaky breath and started packing up the trash. “Nevermind. We don’t have to do this.”

  Axel grabbed hold of my arm, stilling my movements, but I couldn’t bring myself to raise my eyes to his.

  “Caleb. I’m just gonna come out and say this. Were you sexually assaulted?”

  My eyes shot up to his. “What? No!”

  Relief replaced the serious look on Axel’s face as he let out a breath, and I suddenly realized he’d been thinking all along that I’d been raped during the home invasion.

  The home invasion. Not it.

  My lips turned up. I really was making progress.

  “The guy never touched me,” I assured him, and although the memories immediately tried to force their way in, I pushed them back. I wasn’t going to let those fuckers ruin this.

  “I’m not going to have any problem fooling around, other than the fact that I don’t have much experience.”

  “And I’m the one you want to fool around with,” Axel said as though to make sure.

  I nodded, then groaned and pushed at my erection trying to saw its way out of my jeans. “God, yes.”

  Axel made a growly noise and looked around. “Come here.”

  I rose on my knees and whimpered as he reached for my zipper. Holding my breath, I let Axel maneuver my jeans to mid-thigh.

  “Stand up,” he said. I did, and before I could take another breath, he sucked me in from tip to base.

  I let out a strangled, “Holy shit!” and grabbed onto his hair. Cool air hit my ass just above where Axel’s warm hands gripped my thighs. His mouth hungrily pulled me in and out of its wet warmth, and the enthusiasm with which he went at me was almost sexier than the feelings his mouth elicited.

  My legs began to tremble. I was floating in pleasure, disconnected and clueless because Axel was slowly sucking out my brains through my dick.

  I didn’t last as long as Axel had, and his big hands held me by the ass, not letting me pull away as I shouted and shot my load down his throat. He caught me in his arms before my legs collapsed under me, and I clung to him, taking in his familiar woodsy scent and feeling more protected and cared for than I had in a very long time as he stroked my bare ass with callused hands.

  Tears pricked my eyes, and I let out a half sob, half laugh.

  Axel moved one hand to the back of my head. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded against him. “Really, really okay,” I croaked into his shirt. He kissed the side of my head and kept holding me until barking from inside the screen door brought us apart.

  “I think Duke’s jealous.” I wiped my eyes on my arm. Axel got up and let all three dogs out, and I watched them run onto the grass, pee, and then begin chasing one another. I was euphoric. I felt like I’d climbed Mount Everest.

  “Will you spend the night?” I asked impulsively. “Not to…you know, but just…I’d just really love to watch movies with you and sleep beside you. That is, if you want.”

  Although he had to think I was crazy—I had barely had him in the house and here I was asking him to spend the night—Axel grinned.

  “I want.”

  ****

  I fought hard to keep my cool. I don’t know what had gotten into me asking Axel to stay over. No, I did: the sex had gone to my head. I’d thought myself invincible in that moment of coming down from the high of my orgasm.

  Bringing him inside the house and sitting with him all evening watching movies hadn’t been terrible. After the initial discomfort, which Axel had pretended wasn’t happening, I’d been able to relax with Duke beside me. But how the hell had I thought I’d be able to get through this part?

  Nighttime was always the worst. It was why I lost so much sleep. I never took the sleeping pills that had initially been prescribed to me because I was terrified I wouldn’t wake up if someone broke in. The act of getting into bed and lying still in the darkness reminded me so much of that horrible night, it was a struggle not to catapult into a panic attack every single time I did it, which was why I spent a lot of nights sleeping, or trying to sleep, on the couch.

  But I couldn’t do that with Axel. He’d think I was even worse than I was. So, I’d led us to my bedroom and we’d partially undressed and lain down beside each other on the bed. A plank of wood would be a more pliant sleeping partner than I was.

  Maybe the reason I’d asked him was because I’d thought not being alone would be bette
r. But the sound of Axel’s breathing in the dark room was unnerving.

  “Caleb?” Axel suddenly asked, and I jumped. He was going to leave; I knew it. And I suddenly didn’t want him to go. How fucked up was that?

  His hand covered mine in the dark. “Tell me what I can do to make this easier.”

  I let out a breath. Squeezing my eyes shut, I counted to ten. God, Axel was a prince.

  “You could turn on the night light in the corner. By the chair.”

  I felt like a fool, but Axel didn’t comment on a grown man having a night light as he padded over to the wall and clicked on the small, plastic-covered bulb.

  “That better?” he asked.

  I could see his familiar face and smile now, and that made a huge difference. I sighed with relief.

  “Yeah.”

  Axel came back and crawled in next to me. Now that I could see him, I scooted closer, seeking his warmth.

  “Does the light bother you?” I asked.

  “Are you kidding? I sleep on a couch in a houseful of bikers most of the time,” he said through a yawn. “I could sleep anywhere.”

  “I wish I could,” I said quietly.

  Axel ran his hand through my hair. It felt amazing. My mother used to do it, but instead of making me feel sad thinking of her, it made me feel good. A long time had passed since someone had been affectionate with me in that way.

  Like me, Axel had stripped down to his T-shirt and underwear to sleep. Fuck, he had a great body. Big, broad, and unbelievably muscular without being disgustingly so.

  I could feel the heat from Axel’s body beside me, so different from the normally cold sheets.

  How could this situation be both calming and terrifying at the same time? Although I had to admit it was more calming than terrifying since Axel had turned the night light on.

  Guys my age had boyfriends or girlfriends who stayed over. They had one-night stands with people they barely knew. Why shouldn’t I? Dana would tell me not to rush, but she wasn’t the one who’d been putting their life on hold for the past four years. I was tired of going slow.

  Going from standing still to a dead-out run, more like it, a voice in my head said. I knew it was true, but that didn’t change my mind.

  Relaxing next to Axel, I thought about the evening. We’d watched a rom-com and then a sci-fi movie. Then we’d walked the dogs in the moonlight. I hadn’t been nervous with Axel beside me. I considered that the added level of intimacy in my relationship with Axel was probably helping me keep it together, transforming his presence from something I’d once managed to tolerate to something I both wanted and needed.

  I jumped at a loud yowling outside my window, and Axel gripped my hand reassuringly.

  “It’s okay. Just a cat,” he said.

  “Is it dying?” I looked toward the dark window.

  “No. Fucking.”

  Another yowl sounded from the woods, this one longer and more unearthly than the last.

  “Doesn’t sound like she’s enjoying it much,” I said, trying for humor even though my heart was beating out of my chest.

  “She’s probably not, considering cats have barbs on their penises,” Axel said.

  I looked at him.

  “What? You’re teasing me.”

  Axel tucked his hands under his head, making his pecs stand out even more. “No, really. That’s how they stay connected when they’re mating. I read somewhere the barbs are made of the same thing as fingernails.”

  “Oh, my God.” I sank back into the mattress. “Nature’s weird.”

  The weird yowling came again, and I scooted closer to Axel. Lying there, the clean scent of his skin near my nose, I had the sudden urge to lean in and lick his armpit. I refrained, but the idea lodged in my mind along with a list of other kinky possibilities.

  “What are you thinking?” I asked Axel after a few moments of silence.

  “Just that I can’t believe I’m here,” he said.

  I couldn’t help smiling. “I can’t believe it either.”

  He turned his head on the pillow to look at me. “You know you can say the word and I’ll go,” he said. “No hard feelings.”

  “I know. If I didn’t, I don’t think it would have been so easy to ask you to stay. I trust you.”

  Axel looked at me a long moment. “I’m glad,” he said. He hadn’t made a move to touch me other than to hold my hand, and maybe that was what gave me the courage to reach out to him. Tucking one arm under my head, I lay on my side and placed my other hand on his chest, enjoying the way the dark hairs growing there felt underneath my palm and fingers. I wanted to play with his nipple ring but was afraid of starting something I couldn’t finish. I didn’t want to be unfair to Axel, who, like most of the world’s adult population, would be accustomed to easily moving from foreplay to sex without the interruption of traumatic freak-outs.

  When Axel’s soft snores filled the room, I lifted my gaze to his face, amazed at the odd intimacy of the moment. I studied his ruggedly handsome features. Manly and tough, he was exactly the kind of man who had turned my head since the day I realized dicks did it for me. He was also the type that had consumed my nightmares since the night my life drastically changed four years ago.

  What was I doing lying in bed beside this man? Did I really expect to be able to sleep with him there?

  Axel’s chest rose and fell underneath my hand as his breaths became deep and even, their soft huffs the only sound in the room other than Duke snuffling through a doggy dream in the corner. The Great Dane hadn’t even tried to climb onto the bed with us, simply settled in his own bed like my sleeping with a man was the norm.

  And just like that, I began to calm. The dark house didn’t seem so scary with Axel beside me. I wasn’t listening for every noise outside or downstairs. He wasn’t a stranger; he was a man who had been very kind and patient to me over the last several years and someone I was very attracted to. Remembering the intense look on his face as he’d sucked me off, I thought there was a chance he was equally attracted to me.

  I don’t know how long I lay watching him, but it seemed only moments later when I woke to sunlight and Duke nosing under my hand. I blinked and sat up. Axel and I had both turned during the night to face the edges of the bed, and I twisted to stare for a moment at the broad expanse of Axel’s back before quietly climbing out of bed and taking Duke downstairs.

  After all the dogs had done their business, I put on some coffee and watched the morning news. By the time Axel trudged down the stairs, back in his clothes and looking a little sheepish for having slept so late, I was on my second cup.

  “I just put on some fresh coffee,” I told him.

  “Sorry. I don’t usually sleep so late,” Axel said. “Your mattress is great. Did you stay in bed all night?”

  I nodded, extremely proud of myself. “I slept really well, which isn’t usual for me. Normally I notice every little sound.” I looked into my cup, embarrassed. “I guess having you here made me feel safe. I think that’s why I asked you in the first place.” I looked up. “I mean, other than just wanting to be with you.” My cheeks got warm.

  “I slept good too,” Axel said, smiling. He headed for the kitchen, and I heard him puttering around. He returned with a large mug of coffee. “Want me to top yours off?”

  “No. This is my second cup. Any more and I’ll bounce off the walls. Did you find everything you needed?” I’d put out creamer and sugar earlier.

  He nodded and sat down beside me. He’d made some effort with his hair, and I suddenly realized how awful I had to look. Setting my cup on the table, I tried to smooth down my unruly mop of curls.

  “Do you work today?” I asked.

  Axel nodded into his cup. “For the next five nights.”

  I wanted to ask him to come over every night after work and sleep with me, but that would be weird. I’d come on pretty strong already, and the man had a life.

  “What?” he asked, smiling.

  I shook my head. “No
thing. I have a therapy appointment at one today.” Dana was going to be surprised to hear what I’d been up to. Of course, I wasn’t going to tell her all about the sex stuff—just that Axel had spent the night and how well I’d slept.

  “You need a ride?”

  “Isaac usually takes me.”

  “I can do it. I don’t have to be at work until five.”

  “On your motorcycle?” I asked, unsure.

  “Well, yeah. Unless maybe you don’t like the idea of riding one.”

  I actually found it kind of exciting.

  “I have another helmet,” Axel added.

  “Okay.” I smiled. “Sounds fun. Oh, but you’ll have to wait for me. The appointment’s an hour long.”

  Axel shrugged. “I’m sure I can find something to do. Then we can go to lunch.”

  I hoped he didn’t see me stiffen. Could I do lunch in public? I wanted to, badly. I was on the mend, doing many things I hadn’t for so long. Axel made me feel safe. Surely I could sit down in a restaurant with him.

  “Okay,” I agreed, promising myself I would do my damnedest to make it happen.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Axel

  The past twelve hours had left me reeling. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. Between sleeping beside Caleb and having him ride bitch on my bike, I was feeling all kinds of possessive and protective. I didn’t know how he’d feel about that, so I tried to rein it in, but it was hard.

  After watching Caleb walk into the building that housed his therapist, I parked my bike and entered a nearby book store, finding a quiet space to sit and read. I’d loved reading when I was younger but had given it up when I’d moved away from the farm, no longer having the time to lose myself in a book. It had been a means of escape, and once I’d become a man, there were other ways to do that. I found a book on true crime and had been reading a while when my phone vibrated. I looked at the screen.

  Pine Bluff.