The Survivor and his Safe Place

by Rebecca James

  I lifted my head and said, “Patience,” before taking him down my throat.

  Caleb cried out and shot into my mouth, hands gripping my hair and knees pressing into my shoulders.

  “Oh, my God,” he breathed out when I’d crawled up beside him on the bed and pulled him into my arms. “That was unbelievable.” Caleb nuzzled my neck. I was hard as a brick but content to hold him as he came down from his high. I kissed his head and nosed at his soft curls much the way the horse had done earlier while Caleb’s breathing slowed.

  “I can’t believe I’m here with you,” he murmured with a soft sigh.

  “I feel the same way,” I told him before tilting his chin and kissing him deeply.

  Caleb pulled back and looked into my eyes. “I know I was scared of you at first, but I want you to know how safe you make me feel. I could never have gone on this trip if you hadn’t been with me.”

  My heart turned over. He couldn’t know how much those words meant to me. I’d spent a lot of years scaring people on purpose and feeling tough for doing it. Frightening Caleb, however, had made me feel like the worst kind of scum even though I hadn’t meant to do it. I’d never imagined then there would come a day when I would no longer cause that reaction in him, much less have him think of me as a protector. I never again wanted to see that panic on his face when he looked at me.

  “I’m glad,” I managed to say then cleared my throat. “But don’t sell yourself short. You’re very strong, Caleb.”

  I jerked when he wrapped his warm hand around my dick.

  “I want to make you feel good, Axel. As good as you just made me feel.”

  “You always make me feel good,” I told him seriously.

  Caleb began slowly tugging on my cock, and I closed my eyes and groaned.

  “You promised to fuck me,” he said.

  When I hesitated, Caleb stopped working my dick and looked me in the eyes. “I told you—none of my problems have to do with sex. I want to be connected to you that way more than anything.”

  Already on the edge of my resistance, his solemn words broke me, and I surged toward him, attacking his lips with hungry, open-mouthed kisses and pressing him into the mattress.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Caleb

  Any question I’d had that accompanying Axel on the trip to New Jersey had been the right thing to do evaporated as I lay beside him on the bed, both of us naked, his big cock in my hand while he kissed the life out of me. Axel was so large and muscular, he overpowered me, but I wasn’t afraid. Being with him turned me on in a way I’d never experienced before, and I wanted him to fuck me hard.

  I’d been worried about what Axel’s reaction would be when I’d shown him the plug, but the heat that had flared in his eyes had dispelled my misgivings. And, God, his tongue on my ass had felt amazing. The wet slide of it up my crack, and the little swirling plunges…

  Fuck, I wanted him. I whimpered into his mouth, and his kisses turned soft and dreamy before he pulled away and whispered in my ear.

  “I’ll be gentle, I promise.” He turned me so I was on my back and spread himself over me, but the weight of him didn’t make me panic. Instead, it had the opposite effect: it made me feel secure, wanted, and cherished. Nothing could be so perfect. He kissed me again, drawing out moans from deep in my chest before letting up and looking down at me.

  “It would probably be best to do it from behind since it’s your first time,” he said.

  He was probably worried doggy style would seem impersonal to me.

  “That’s the way I’ve always fantasized about it—me on my knees and you taking me from behind,” I said.

  Axel’s eyes flared and he groaned, grabbing the base of his cock and squeezing it as though trying to keep from coming right then.

  Encouraged, I nudged him over and flipped onto my stomach, cool air hitting my naked back. I knelt on the mattress and spread my legs, tilting my ass up in invitation. I heard Axel’s quick intake of breath, and then his fingers were rubbing lube over my hole. He breached me with one and then two fingers. Having his thick digits inside me was incredibly erotic, and I closed my eyes and moaned at each careful slide. The plug, as well as Axel’s oral attention, had done the job of opening up and relaxing me, and I melted into the bed as he slowly fucked me with his fingers. They dragged over a spot that sent tingles cascading up my spine, and I groaned. He did it a few more times, until I was squirming on the mattress and begging him to put his cock inside me.

  Finally, the sound of the condom wrapper ripping open signaled the big moment, and my heart jumped. Seconds later, Axel’s cock pressed into my body, stretching me impossibly wide.

  I hid my face in the pillow, not wanting Axel to see that it hurt, but he must have figured it out because he paused. I experienced a moment of panic that he would withdraw, but all he did was softly instruct me to breathe and bear down.

  I obeyed, and my body opened up a little more for him. Unlike with everything else, with this, I felt in complete control. Pretty backwards, I knew, considering Axel was a much larger man about to ass-fuck me into oblivion, but I trusted him and knew he would stop the moment I asked him to. Knowing that sent a rush of desire through me that allowed me to take in even more of Axel’s length until the rough hairs of his pubic area scratched my ass.

  God, I was stuffed.

  “Okay?” he asked, voice tight. I nodded, and Axel began peppering my shoulders and back with soft kisses and warm flicks of his tongue, sending shivers down my spine and making my toes curl. Experimentally, I squeezed my body around his cock, and Axel groaned. I expected him to start pounding me, but he continued kissing and licking my skin, his warmth and scent surrounding me.

  Eventually, when I’d sunk into a fog of bliss and pleasure, Axel pulled out a small amount and then pushed back in. I grunted, fisting my hands in the pillow and pushing back against him, chest flat against the mattress and knees widening so my dangling cock touched the bed. I wiggled and smiled when Axel gasped and cursed. I did it again, and he bent down and nipped the top of my ear. When he traced his tongue along the rim, I moaned and squeezed my ass around him again. I wanted to stay like that forever, but I also wanted more.

  “Go ahead,” I urged him breathlessly.

  Axel rose, pulled out of my body until my rim tugged the head of his cock, then slowly slid back in, swiping over that place inside me that sent tingles down my spine.

  “Oh, God, more,” I groaned, and moved with him, our bodies undulating together like waves against the shore. A thrum of pleasure built in my core, lifting me higher and higher until, like Daedalus, I was weightless and flying, each thrust of Axel’s cock sending me spiraling closer to the sun.

  “Oh, my God, ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod…” My fingers clutched at the sheets.

  “You feel amazing.” Axel’s warm breath tickled my ear. He pushed my hips down, and his big body enveloped me like a warm quilt, pressing me flat against the bed, so deep inside me, we were one. The sudden angle change sent bolts of pleasure skating up my spine when Axel moved, and I cried out.

  “God, Caleb.” Axel’s voice broke, and his slow rhythm faltered. He wrapped one arm around my waist and, leaning his weight on the other, began fucking me fast and hard, our bodies slapping together loudly in the quiet room.

  Suddenly cut free from my tether to the world, I spiraled upward and abruptly hit the sun, my body splintering into a million pieces in a bright explosion. The sounds of Axel barreling toward his release were muted by the buzzing in my brain.

  I felt when Axel filled the condom, cock twitching inside me as his big body jerked against my back.

  “So sweet,” he murmured after collapsing on top of me.

  “Oof,” I managed under the weight of him.

  “Oh, sorry.” Axel eased up, grabbed the base of the condom, and pulled out.

  I sighed.

  “That was so good,” I said sleepily, propping my head on my folded arms and watching Axel tie off the condom
. Christ, his cock was big, even when spent. No wonder my ass was sore. “I want to try riding you next time.”

  Axel moaned then tossed the condom onto his pile of clothes, and pulled me into his arms. We lay together for a while, dozing, until my stomach growled. Axel chuckled.

  “Sounds like you worked up an appetite. I could do with a snack too. I’ll go fix something.” He kissed me before leaving the bed.

  I closed my eyes and drifted some more, listening to Axel rattling around in the kitchen. I was warm, safe, and very, very comfortable. I wanted to feel like this forever.

  I was falling hard.

  Long, muted seconds went by. Eventually, a sugary scent—familiar, cloying, and deceptively innocent—filled my nostrils. My stomach rumbled in appreciation even as the rest of my body tensed and my heart shifted into overdrive.

  The smell of sugar cookies. Canned laughter. My brother’s screams.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Axel

  I caught myself humming as I took the cookies out of the oven. They were the slice and bake kind that I liked even better than homemade. I hoped Caleb liked them too.

  I paused for a moment, leaning against the sink. Being inside Caleb had been life-changing. He was it for me. We’d just made love, and the experience had meant more to me than any sexual experience I’d ever had.

  A sound from the bedroom drew my attention, and I turned off the oven. I’d thought Caleb might have gone back to sleep, but evidently he was up and moving around. Tossing the potholder onto the counter, I headed for the bedroom to tell him the cookies were ready.

  When I reached the doorway, I didn’t see him. I turned to look down the hallway, but the bathroom was dark.

  Where had he gone?

  As I was contemplating looking outside, a whimper from the closet sent me hurrying across the room.

  “Caleb?” I said softly. I slid the door open, and my heart turned over when I saw him huddled in the corner of the small area, head buried under his arms. I hesitated. Obviously, he was having an episode of some kind, but what had brought it on? He’d been fine all day. In fact, I hadn’t seen him panic in weeks. Had it been wrong to leave him alone in a strange room? Had I made a mistake allowing him to come with me in the first place? Had the sex triggered him in some way? But no, he’d insisted his issues had nothing to do with sex.

  I crouched outside the closet, and, keeping my voice low and soft, I said, “Caleb, it’s me. Axel. Can you tell me what’s wrong? Did something happen? I made some cookies for us to snack on.”

  Caleb whimpered again and clutched at his hair with his hands.

  “Caleb, please. Talk to me. What’s got you so upset?” I tentatively brushed a finger over his arm, and he jerked away from me.

  Fear and hurt spiked in my chest at the reaction.

  “Should I call your therapist?” I asked him. “Caleb. Should I call Dr. Woods?” I looked around for his cell phone and was about to check his jeans pockets when Caleb lifted his head and looked at me, eyes slowly focusing on my face. His face was wet with tears.

  “Axel?”

  “Yeah, baby, it’s me.”

  My heart lurched as he unwound his limbs and crawled out of the closet and into my arms, sending me backward onto my ass on the floor. Wrapping his limbs around me, he sobbed into my neck, breaking my heart in two. God, and just twenty minutes ago we’d been wrapped in each other’s arms and happy.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” I stroked and kissed his head, so happy that he was no longer shying away from me.

  “The sm-smell,” Caleb said brokenly, clutching at me. “Make it go away.”

  “The smell?” I asked and sniffed the air, but all I smelled was the sugar cookies. Was that what he was talking about? “You mean the cookies?”

  Caleb trembled against me. “Make it go away. Please.”

  I started to stand, but he tightened his hold on me. “Don’t leave me!”

  “I was going to put the cookies outside,” I said, settling back onto the floor and holding him tightly. He was shaking hard. “Why do you hate that smell?”

  Caleb didn’t say anything for a long time. I stroked his back and murmured comforting words in his ear, waiting until he was ready.

  Finally, he murmured, “That smell was all over the house. Mixed with the smell of bl-blood.”

  I shuddered, heart climbing into my throat. Christ.

  Horrified, I tried again to get to my feet, this time while keeping Caleb in my arms. I managed it and sat on the edge of the bed.

  “I’ll make it go away,” I said, tugging his arms from around my neck. He whimpered and grasped me more tightly until finally I stood and, snatching his clothes from the floor, carried him down the hall and out the front door. Devon Lawrence’s truck was gone, and the horses grazed in the pasture. I stood in the weak autumn sunlight, holding Caleb until he calmed.

  Finally, after several long minutes, Caleb loosened his hold on me and slid to his feet on the grass.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, wiping his face with his bare arm. I’d pulled on my clothes earlier before going to the kitchen, but Caleb was still naked.

  Pressing my palms to his cheeks, I made him look at me. “You never gotta be sorry for something like that, you hear me?”

  He nodded, and I kissed him, tasting his tears, before helping him into his shirt and jeans.

  “You okay to stay out here while I go air out the place?” I asked, and Caleb nodded. I went inside and got his shoes for him and then opened windows while he sat on the porch steps. I tossed the cookies along with the pan I’d found in the cabinet into the trash can out back and got rid of everything that might smell like cookies before returning to the front porch with two water bottles and sitting down beside Caleb.

  “Sorry,” I said, handing him one of the bottles. “I never would’ve made them if I’d known. Is there anything else that might trigger you that I should know about?”

  Caleb shook his head. “That’s the problem: I don’t know.” He wiped his eyes with his hand and looked off into the distance. “My mom had baked cookies that night. The whole house smelled of them. It seems crazy, but I don’t think I’ve smelled them since. Not even at Christmas.”

  I thought about that. “Isaac loves chocolate, and so does Dante. He probably never makes sugar cookies. I’m sorry,” I said again.

  Caleb turned to me, his eyes wide. “You don’t have to be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who’s sorry. I turned a wonderful afternoon into a nightmare.”

  I put my arm around him and pulled him close. “You just scared me. I didn’t know what was wrong or what to do to help.”

  “I’m okay,” Caleb said, attempting to smile but failing as more tears trickled down his cheeks.

  “We can drive home, if you want. We don’t have to stay here tonight,” I said.

  “No!” Caleb pulled away. “I want to stay. Please, Axel. I’m fine. Really. What we did—it was so beautiful. I’ll really feel like I ruined it if we go home.”

  “Okay. We’ll do whatever you want.”

  We stayed outside a while, visiting the horses and taking a walk around the farm until I was sure the scent of cookies had dissipated. It had been so easy to forget how fragile Caleb was. I wanted to kick myself, although there was no way I could have anticipated the smell of cookies baking would have set him off like that.

  Back inside, I built a fire in the fireplace and dug out a box of cheese crackers shaped like animals from the bag of food I’d brought with us. Caleb had taken the sheets off the furniture while I’d gone for wood and found a blanket in the closet. We wrapped up in it and snacked while watching the flames dance in the grate. Outside the now-dark window, a barred owl hooted from the old elm at the corner of the house, a sound I’d heard many, many times when I was a kid.

  It was weird being back. I kept expecting my grandfather to come around the corner and demand to know what I was wasting my time doing. But the longer I sat in the li
ttle living room with Caleb, the less I thought about my grandparents and the more I began to appreciate the quiet as the fire snapped and popped in the grate and Caleb’s warm body shared the old couch with me. No cars roaring by. No sirens. It was even quieter than nights at the shelter, where you could occasionally hear traffic from the nearby county road. Hard not to appreciate that kind of silence.

  Maybe there was a little bit of farm boy left in me yet.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Caleb

  “Axel promised we’d go back soon,” I said, settling more comfortably on the couch in Dana’s office. I’d almost canceled my appointment. I was tired of rehashing what had happened to me over and over again, but a part of me wanted the therapist’s stamp of approval when I decided to quit.

  Dana sat in her regular spot in the chair across from me, looking fresh and seasonal in a sweater covered in embroidered fall leaves. She pushed her Kate Spade glasses farther up her nose. “Sounds like you had a really nice time. Have you seen Lake and Morgan lately?”

  I shook my head. “I’ve been too busy at the shelter and with Axel.”

  “Nurturing friendships is important. You should make time for them,” she said.

  I shrugged, feeling as though she was hinting I spent too much time with Axel. Or maybe I just wasn’t looking forward to telling Dana about my episode at the farm.

  “I, uh…” I took a breath and tried again. “Something happened on the trip. I freaked a little. But Axel talked to me, and I snapped out of it.”

  “I expect you to have setbacks, Caleb. It’s okay.”

  I frowned. “I’ve been doing really well.”

  “Yes, you have. But you can’t control your subconscious. As long as there are things bothering you deep inside, they’re going to come out eventually.”

  I made a frustrated motion with my hand. “It was a fluke.”

  “Tell me what happened.”