The Survivor and his Safe Place

by Rebecca James

  “Now you’ve got it too tight. Loosen it up,” Caleb said, laughing.

  When I’d gotten it looking as good as I could, I helped him in the kitchen. We’d picked up some food trays and sodas at the supermarket. I’d bought some champagne, too, and hoped it would be enough.

  “How come you don’t usually drink anything harder than beer?” Caleb asked as we finished getting everything ready.

  “My grandfather was a mean motherfucker and even worse when he drank liquor,” I said.

  “I’m sorry.” Caleb looked like he was going to cry. “He was mean to you, wasn’t he?”

  “Things weren’t good, but not as bad as I’m sure some kids have had it. My grandmother thought he was always right, so she wasn’t any help. She had a way of whipping me with words that was almost worse than the belt. Let’s just say as soon as I turned eighteen, I was out of there. I never went back.”

  “Until I asked you to,” Caleb said mournfully.

  “Hey, you didn’t make me do anything.” I cupped the back of his neck and kissed him on the head. His hair was soft and smelled of flowers.

  “I asked you to keep going back though.”

  I held his face between my hands. “Caleb. I love going there with you. You’ve erased all the bad memories.”

  “Really?” he asked, eyes shining.

  “Really.” It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him how I felt about him, but I held back. I didn’t want to do it when he was all nervous about having a party. I was pretty sure he knew anyway. And I was pretty sure he felt the same about me.

  The guests began arriving, and I nearly fell over when I opened the door to Hung, Blaze and Lake and found Tony with them.

  “Holy shit, where did you come from?” I asked, pulling the blond into a hug.

  “Cat dragged him in last night,” Hung said, ruffling Tony’s hair.

  I automatically looked around for Cane.

  “He didn’t come,” Hung said in my ear. “You should have heard Tony lay into him earlier. Epic.”

  Curious, I hustled Hung out back as soon as I got the chance.

  “Tell me about Tony,” I said.

  Hung lit a cigarette. “Basically, he told Cane he was back for good and didn’t want to have anything to do with him. It was Cane’s choice not to come tonight.”

  “Huh. Wonder what happened between the two of them?” I mused.

  “I’ve always figured Tony fell for Cane, and Cane broke his heart. Thing is, I don’t know why. Cane’s always looking at Tony like he wants to swallow him whole, and I’m not even talking the dirty way. It’s only when he thinks no one’s looking, of course.”

  “I agree. What I can’t figure out is why Cane doesn’t just be with Tony.”

  Caleb called out the door for me to get the music system going, and as more people arrived, the party got into full swing. I was proud as hell of Caleb. He played host, and if he was uncomfortable at all, he didn’t show it. He also didn’t seem to be dwelling on the fact it was the fourth anniversary of the murder of his family. Maybe he’d been right that he’d needed the party to keep his mind off the date.

  Around eleven-thirty, I was sitting outside talking to Matteo and Blaze. The night was frigid, but the heaters did their job and kept it toasty underneath the tent.

  Caleb stuck his head out the door. “Axel, where’re the other bottles of champagne? I can only find one.”

  “I bought six,” I said, getting up. “I thought that would be enough.” I followed him into the kitchen and looked in the pantry. “Shit, we’ve gone through them already?”

  “We won’t have enough for people to toast one another at midnight,” Caleb said, looking upset.

  I kissed him. “Don’t worry. I’ll make a run to get more. Won’t take me long.”

  “Are you sure? Because I want to kiss you at midnight.” Caleb glanced at the clock on the stove.

  “Twenty minutes tops.” I hurried to the closet and grabbed my coat, and on the spur of the moment, grabbed some gloves and a hat from somebody’s pocket. Riding a bike made a cold night even colder, even with a helmet.

  I had the champagne in my side bag and was back on my bike in record time, but it was closer to midnight than I would’ve liked. I didn’t want to miss bringing in the new year with Caleb, either. I arrived back at the shelter with only five minutes to spare and ran to the house with the bottles of champagne in a bag.

  As soon as I walked into the living room, time seemed to slow down. Hung turned and smiled at me, taking the bag from my arms and saying something like, Thank God you brought the booze. Foghorn and Cupcake immediately grabbed a bottle each and began filling glasses.

  Somebody had put the countdown on the television and, and the raucous partying in the city flashed on the screen while Morgan and Zeke helped Hugh and his date open bags of confetti. But all I saw was Caleb’s face completely draining of color as he stared at me. Eyes wide and pupils dilating, he looked at me like I was the monster I’d always secretly felt like deep down. I stepped toward him, and he let out an earsplitting, unearthly scream that seemed to rock the house.

  I froze, unsure. He backed up, pointing at me before falling to his knees. As Isaac ran to Caleb, I reached up to lift off the woolen ski mask I’d taken from the closet.

  Someone abruptly turned off the television, and the room went eerily silent except for Caleb’s heart-wrenching keening. He rocked back and forth on the floor, barely able to catch his breath, arms wrapped around himself. Had he thought I was someone else in that mask? I cursed myself for coming inside wearing it. I started toward him, but he jerked and skittered backward.

  “Stay away!” he yelled, face going red. Isaac crouched next to him, and Caleb turned and hid in Isaac’s shirt.

  “Caleb?”

  He peered at me, and the terrified expression on his face tore my heart out.

  Dante brought Duke out of the room we’d penned the dogs in, and the Great Dane lapped at Caleb’s face, but Caleb only stared at me with traumatized eyes.

  “Go outside,” Lake said to me, nudging me out the door. He stood out on the porch with me, shivering in the cold.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “I don’t know, but you being in there was making it worse.”

  “Check on him, please.”

  Lake went back inside. The sound of Caleb moaning broke me, and I pressed my fist to my mouth. I wanted to go to him, but he didn’t want me. I told myself it had nothing to do with me, but didn’t it? Caleb knew what I was capable of because I’d told him. He’d made excuses for me, refusing to recognize me for what I was, but look how easily I merged with the monster who tormented him.

  A couple of minutes later, Morgan and Zeke came out onto the porch with Lake.

  “Hugh’s looking at him,” Morgan told me, putting a hand on my arm.

  “Hugh’s a vet,” I said with derision. “Maybe I should call an ambulance.”

  “It’s a panic attack,” Morgan said. “He’s breathing okay now.”

  “What set him off?” Zeke wondered.

  “It was me,” I said bitterly.

  “I’ll call Dana.” Lake pulled his phone out of his pocket, but I was already walking back into the house. I had to see Caleb. Had to make sure he was all right. Now that he’d calmed down, he’d see it was me and let me comfort him I ached to have him in my arms.

  I was relieved that he had quietened. He still sat on the floor with Isaac, who was talking to him in a soft, low voice. I knelt down and put my hand on Caleb’s shoulder, wincing when he cringed away from me and clung to Isaac. If it had been the mask that had triggered him, it wasn’t what was causing the reaction now. My heart cracked.

  “Axel, you’d better go back outside,” Isaac said as Caleb began to moan and rock again.

  I got to my feet. Caleb was afraid of me. My presence worsened his fear. It was exactly what I’d never wanted. I backed out the door, turned, and almost tripped on the stairs in my hurry to get to my
bike.

  “Ax, man, don’t leave!” Zeke called to me, but I was already backing up the bike, gravel crunching under my wheels. I peeled off down the driveway as though I could physically escape the reality that had slapped me in the face.

  Caleb didn’t feel safe with me. Not really, deep down.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Caleb

  I opened my eyes to a dark room. I lay in my bed, wearing only my underwear. Someone sat beside me, and I reached for him.

  “Axel?”

  “It’s Isaac, Caleb.”

  I raised up on my elbows, hair falling in my eyes. Duke whined and wiggled up from the foot of the bed to nestle next to me.

  “How are you feeling?” Isaac asked.

  “Tired,” I said and swallowed with difficulty. My throat was sore. “Am I sick? Do I have the flu or something?” I put my hand to my head, but it didn’t feel hot. “Where’s Axel?”

  “He went home.”

  Something about Isaac’s voice was off, and I turned from Duke to look at my friend. He smiled unnaturally.

  “I undressed you so you’d be more comfortable,” Isaac said, plumping up the pillows.

  I frowned. “What happened?”

  Isaac stilled. “Do you remember the party?”

  I stroked Duke’s soft fur and thought back.

  “The Christmas party?”

  “No, the New Year’s party. Here.”

  The last of the fog drifted from my mind. The party. Of course. “I rented a tent.”

  “Yeah, in the back yard. And space heaters.”

  I looked to the window. “Did Axel get back with the champagne?” Cold panic seized me. Why didn’t I remember the rest of the party? I turned to Isaac, frantically gripping his hand. “Did something happen to Axel?”

  “He’s fine,” Isaac said.

  I looked around the darkened bedroom. “Then why isn’t he here?”

  Isaac squeezed my hand.

  “Caleb, you had an episode. You got very upset. Started screaming. It had something to do with Axel.”

  That didn’t make any sense. I wasn’t afraid of Axel. I tried to remember. The door of my bedroom cracked opened, and Dante peered in.

  “Feeling better?” he asked me.

  I shook my head. “No. I want Axel.” I didn’t care if I sounded like a child.

  “Call him, Dante,” Isaac said.

  I watched Dante walk back into the hall. “I couldn’t have been afraid of him. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t remember.”

  “It’s okay,” Isaac said. “Lake called your therapist.”

  I jerked my head toward him. “I quit going to therapy weeks ago.”

  “Okay. Well, he called your old therapist because we were really worried about you. I’ve never seen you like that. It was terrifying. First, you couldn’t breathe, then you were crying and couldn’t stop. And you wouldn’t let Axel touch you.”

  I shook my head, tears filling my eyes. “That’s not true. That’s not what happened at all. Why would I do that? Why? He’s…he’s my safe place.”

  “Dana thinks you were triggered by the mask Axel was wearing.”

  “Mask?” I wiped at the tears sliding down my cheeks.

  “Axel went to get more champagne; do you remember that?”

  I nodded.

  “When he came back, he was wearing a black ski mask. I think it was Skitz’s. It was really cold out, and Axel had ridden his bike to the store.” Isaac paused, face full of sympathy as he waited for me to connect the dots.

  I stared at the wall, an image forming in my mind of a huge man removing a black ski mask. The smell of cookies. Canned laughter. My brother’s screams.

  I took a deep breath, pushing it all away. “The man who…who…who killed my family wore a black ski mask.” I shook my head. “Axel didn’t know that.” I was sure I hadn’t told him. But Dana knew, and she and Lake must have put it together.

  “Did you tell Axel that’s why I reacted the way I did?” I asked.

  “I think he might have figured it out.”

  “Then why did he leave?”

  Dante came back into the room, cell phone in hand.

  “He didn’t pick up.”

  I scrambled off the bed. “I have to talk to him.”

  Isaac stood. “It’s the middle of the night. You can see Axel tomorrow.”

  “No. You don’t understand! He thinks I’m afraid of him, but I’m not. It was the mask. If it hadn’t been for the mask, I never would have acted that way!” I started forward, but Dante stopped me.

  “Caleb, you’ve been through a lot. That was a really bad panic attack. You’ve been out of it for hours. Axel knows you need rest. I’m sure he’ll be back over here tomorrow.”

  “What time is it?” I asked.

  “After three in the morning.”

  “Oh, my God.” I sat back down on the bed. I was shivering, and Isaac wrapped a blanket around me.

  “Come on, lie down. Try to get some sleep. I’ll stay with you.” Isaac lay down beside me. I couldn’t stop the tears, thinking of Axel hurt and worried, and me not letting him near me. It broke my heart.

  ****

  I called Axel as soon as it was light outside. I’d quietly gotten out of bed, leaving Isaac sleeping, and gone into the other bedroom. The phone rang three times before I heard Axel’s voice and heaved a sigh of relief.

  “Caleb?”

  “Oh, my God, I thought you weren’t going to answer,” I said, flopping down on the bed.

  “How are you feeling?” Axel asked. He sounded odd.

  “I’m okay. I was only afraid of you because I was triggered by the mask,” I rushed to tell him. “It was just like the one h-he wore.” I cleared my throat. “Jefferson. I’m fine now. Please come over.”

  Isaac walked past the room, glancing at me before going downstairs.

  “I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Axel said.

  My bottom lip trembled as a sense of dread filled me. “Why not?”

  “Caleb, we gotta be honest, here. I’m not what you need.”

  I caught my breath. “What do you mean? That’s not true! Of course you’re what I need. You’re everything I need.”

  I heard Axel breathing, but he didn’t speak for a long moment. Finally, he said hoarsely, “You were terrified of me. And you should be. I’m exactly the kind of man you don’t need in your life.”

  Anger curled in my gut. “What the fuck, Axel? Of course you are! I had an episode. Don’t punish me for it!”

  “That’s not what I’m tryin’ to do.”

  “Feels like it to me,” I said petulantly. Why was he acting this way? I lost it, sure, but I got over it. “Don’t you understand that seeing you in that mask took me back to that night? It didn’t have to be you wearing it; it could have been anyone.”

  “I don’t think that’s true. I think you’ve had to face the violence in me and that, combined with the mask, is what made you so afraid of me. I don’t want to be someone who brings turbulence into your life. You’ve had enough. You deserve peace from here on out.”

  My hand holding the phone was shaking; the other was clenched in a fist. “You’re wrong,” I said. “So wrong. I need you. I told you what you are to me.”

  “Caleb.” Axel sounded broken. “Don’t make this harder. Please.”

  “You’re just afraid,” I accused him. “You just don’t want to be the boyfriend of a freak.”

  “No, Caleb—”

  “I get it. I have to hang up now.” I disconnected and rushed back to my bedroom, flinging myself on the bed. I heard the front door close, followed by the sound of Duke tramping up the stairs. Seconds later, he jumped onto the bed and licked my face. I had my face buried in his fur when I heard Isaac come into the room.

  “Are you okay?”

  “He broke up with me,” I said. “He says he’s not what I need, but I know the truth. He saw how crazy I am and doesn’t want me anymore. Who could
blame him?”

  “Axel isn’t like that,” Isaac said, sitting on the bed and running his fingers through my hair soothingly. “He’s being an idiot, but that will blow over. Dante’s gone to the clubhouse, and he’ll talk to him. Everything’s going to be okay.” He continued petting my hair. “Shh, calm down now, you’ll make yourself sick. Why don’t you let me fix you something to eat?”

  I shook my head. “You can go home. You don’t have to stay with me.”

  “I don’t want to leave you like this.”

  “I’m fine. I want to be alone.” I sat up and wiped the tears from my face. “Really.”

  Isaac looked unsure. “If I go, will you take one of your pills?”

  “No.” I’d been prescribed something to calm me down when I needed it, but I rarely took them.

  I put my hand over my madly thumping heart, feeling physically ill. I just wanted Axel. Only Axel.

  But he didn’t want me.

  “Why is he doing this to me?” I asked, the question ending on a squeak. I buried my face in the dog’s fur again.

  Isaac moved off the bed and returned a moment later with a bottle of water and something in his hand. “Come on, take one. You didn’t sleep all night.”

  I gave in and took the pill.

  “I’m going to walk the dogs,” Isaac said. “You rest.” He left me, and I stared at my dark phone for a long time before lying down and closing my eyes. Exhaustion took over, and my senses shut down.

  When I woke up sometime later, groggy and a little disoriented, I stared at my phone a long time before calling Axel. It went straight to voice mail. I got up, took another pill because I wanted to escape and forget, and walked downstairs and into the kitchen just as Isaac was coming in the back door.

  “Hey. You okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I said. “I thought you went home.”

  “I did for a while. I’ve been in and out.”

  “You can go. Really. I think I’m just going to eat a little something and go back to bed.”

  I looked out the window to see the sun was setting. I’d slept most of the day.

  “Are you sure? I don’t mind staying.”

  “I’m sure. I’m exhausted. Did Dante see Axel?”