by Nora Ephron
JESS Great. (he leaps into the street as he spots a cab) Taxi!
The cab SCREECHES to a halt, and Jess and Marie get into it and it pulls away, leaving Sally and Harry on the curb.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE
Another OLDER COUPLE, both Asian, sitting together on the love seat.
ASIAN MAN A man came to me and said, “I found nice girl for you. She lives in the next village, and she is ready for marriage.” We were not supposed to meet until the wedding. But I wanted to make sure, so I sneaked into her village and hid behind a tree and watched her wash the clothes. I think, if I don’t like the way she looks, I don’t marry her. But she looked really nice to me. So I said okay to the man, we get married. We are married for fifty-five years.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
EXT. THE SHARPER IMAGE—DAY—ESTABLISHING
INT. THE SHARPER IMAGE—DAY
One of those places with gifts for people who have everything. Harry and Sally are browsing through. He shoots a basketball into a mini-sized hoop.
HARRY I have to get this, I have to.
SALLY Harry, we’re here for Jess and Marie.
HARRY I know we’ll find them something, there’s great stuff here.
SALLY We should’ve gone to the plant store.
He picks up a pith helmet with a battery-operated fan in it and puts it on Sally’s head.
HARRY Here. Perfect for them.
SALLY What’s that?
HARRY Battery-operated pith helmet, with fan.
SALLY Why is this necessary in life?
HARRY I don’t know. Look, look at this. (indicating fan) It also makes great fries.
He spots something across the aisle.
HARRY (CONT’D) Oh, oh, oh.
He heads toward it.
HARRY (CONT’D) Good. Call off the dogs. The hunt is over.
He goes to one of those machines that allow you to sing the lead to the backup vocal and instrumental on a song.
HARRY (CONT’D) Sally, this is the greatest. (into the microphone) Sally, please report to me. Look at this. This is incredible. They’re gonna love this. This is a singing machine.
Harry puts in one of the cassettes. The INSTRUMENTAL for “The Surrey with the Fringe on Top” comes on.
HARRY (CONT’D) Look. You sing the lead, and this has the backup and everything. This is from Oklahoma! Here’s the lyrics right here.
SALLY (reading) “Surrey with the Fringe on Top.”
HARRY Yeah, this is perfect.
He starts singing giddily.
HARRY (CONT’D) “Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry,
When I take you out in the surrey,
When I take you out in the surrey
With the fringe on top.” (pointing to Sally) Now you.
She starts to sing.
SALLY (singing) “Watch that fringe and …”
Harry resumes singing, too, as the absurd and dizzy instrumental continues. They both get more and more idiotic.
HARRY AND SALLY (singing) “… see how it flutters,
When I drive them high steppin’ strutters,
Nosey pokes’ll peek through their shutters and their eyes will pop!”
Suddenly Harry turns pale and stops singing.
SALLY (continuing to sing) “The wheels are yeller, the upholstery’s brown,
The dashboard’s gen-u-ine leather
With isinglass curtains y’can roll …”
Sally notices something’s wrong.
The backup MUSIC CONTINUES as she stops, too.
SALLY (CONT’D) What? It’s my voice, isn’t it? You hate my voice. I know it’s terrible. Joe hated it….
HARRY It’s Helen.
SALLY Helen?
HARRY She’s coming right toward me.
The BACKUP VOCAL CONTINUES, as we see coming toward Harry a dark-haired, very chic woman, HELEN, accompanied by a tall, attractive man, IRA.
HELEN How are you, Harry?
HARRY (he swallows) Fine. I’m fine.
HELEN This is Ira Stone. Harry Burns.
IRA Harry.
They shake hands. It’s very awkward. Harry suddenly remembers Sally.
HARRY I’m sorry. This is Sally Albright. Helen Hillson and Ira.
IRA Sally.
HELEN Nice to meet you.
SALLY Hi.
A terrible moment.
HELEN Well, see you.
HARRY Yeah. Nice to meet you, Ira.
A smile, and they move on. HOLD on Harry, about to faint.
SALLY You okay?
HARRY Yeah, I’m perfect.
Harry looks like one of those cartoon characters who’s been struck on the head with a mallet.
HARRY (CONT’D) She looked weird, didn’t she? She looked really weird. She looked very weird.
SALLY I’ve never seen her before.
HARRY Trust me, she looked weird. Her legs looked heavy. Really, she must be retaining water.
SALLY Harry.
HARRY Believe me, the woman saved everything.
CUT TO:
EXT. PLANT SHOP—DAY
Sally is paying for a plant. Harry is just staring blankly into a ficus. Sally approaches.
SALLY You sure you’re okay?
HARRY Oh, I’m fine. Look, it had to happen at some point. In a city of eight million people you’re bound to run into your ex-wife. So, boom, it happened. And now I’m fine.
CUT TO:
INT. JESS AND MARIE’S APARTMENT—DAY
A nice West Side floor-through with a beautiful fireplace and a great deal of furniture—about twice as much furniture as is necessary, as a matter of fact.
Marie and Jess in sneakers, jeans, baggy shirts, are clearly in the middle of some sort of dispute. Harry is still distracted. There are a few unpacked boxes—some books, a couple of ashtrays, a glass, etc.
JESS It works. I like it. It says home to me.
MARIE (to Jess) Okay, okay, we’ll let Harry and Sally be the judge. (to Sally and Harry) What do you think?
Marie points to a large wagon wheel that’s been made into a coffee table with a round plate of glass over it.
Harry looks at Jess, who’s glaring at him.
HARRY It’s nice.
JESS Case closed.
Jess smiles, victorious
MARIE Of course he likes it. He’s a guy. Sally?
Sally crinkles up her nose.
JESS What’s so awful about it?
MARIE It’s so awful there’s no way even to begin to explain what is so awful about it.
JESS Honey, I don’t object to any of your things.
MARIE If we had an extra room, we could put all your things in it, including your bar stools, and …
JESS Wait, wait, honey, honey, wait, wait. You don’t like my bar stools?
Marie looks at him. Of course she doesn’t like his bar stools.
Jess turns to Harry for help.
Harry, we now see, has wandered away and stands by the window and he’s staring out like a forlorn figure in a Magritte painting.
JESS Harry, come on. (beat) Someone has to be on my side.
No response from Harry.
MARIE I’m on your side. I’m just trying to help you have good taste.
JESS I have good taste.
MARIE Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor, but they couldn’t possibly all.
Harry stands up, looks around the room.
HARRY You know, it’s funny—we started out like this, Helen and I. We had blank walls. We hung things. We picked out tiles together. Then you know what happens? Six years later you find yourself singing “Surrey with the Fringe on Top” in front of Ira.
SALLY Do we have to talk about this right now?
HARRY Yes, I think that right now is actually the perfect time to talk about this, because I want our friends to benefit from the wisdom of my experience. (he’s becoming more and more upset) Right no
w everything is great. Everyone is happy. Everyone is in love. And that’s wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you’re gonna be screaming at each other about who’s gonna get this dish. (he picks up a cracked ashtray) This eight-dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of “That’s mine, this is yours.”
SALLY Harry—
HARRY (to Sally) Please. (to Jess and Marie) Jess, Marie, do me a favor. For your own good. Put your name in your books. Right now. Before they get mixed up and you don’t know whose is whose. Because someday, believe it or not, you’ll go fifteen rounds over who’s going to get this coffee table, this stupid wagon-wheel, Roy Rogers, garage-sale coffee table.
JESS I thought you liked it.
HARRY (still shouting) I was being nice.
Harry slams out the door.
Sally looks at Jess and Marie.
SALLY He just bumped into Helen.
Sally goes out the door, leaving Jess and Marie.
MARIE I want you to know that I will never want that wagon-wheel coffee table.
CUT TO:
EXT. JESS AND MARIE’S APARTMENT—DAY
Harry is sitting on the stoop. Sally comes down the steps.
HARRY I know, I know. I shouldn’t have done that.
SALLY Harry, you’re going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have every moment that you have them.
HARRY Oh, really.
SALLY Yes. There are times and places for things.
HARRY Well, the next time you’re giving a lecture series in social graces, would you let me know, ’cause I’ll sign up.
SALLY You don’t have to take your anger out on me.
HARRY Oh, I think I’m entitled to throw a little anger your way. Especially when I’m being told how to live my life by Miss Hospital Corners.
SALLY What is that supposed to mean?
HARRY I mean, nothing bothers you. You never get upset about anything.
SALLY Don’t be ridiculous.
HARRY What? You never get upset about Joe. I never see that back up on you. How is that possible? Don’t you experience any feelings of loss?
SALLY I don’t have to take this crap from you.
Sally storms back to the building. Harry follows.
HARRY If you’re so over Joe, why aren’t you seeing anyone?
SALLY I see people.
HARRY See people? Have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe?
SALLY What the hell does that have to do with anything? That will prove that I’m over Joe? Because I fuck somebody? Harry, you’re going to have to move back to New Jersey because you’ve slept with everybody in New York, and I don’t see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you. Besides, I will make love to someone when it’s making love, not the way you do it, like you’re out for revenge or something.
HARRY Are you finished now?
SALLY Yes.
HARRY Can I say something?
SALLY Yes.
HARRY I’m sorry.
He walks over and gives her a hug.
They walk back up the steps toward the house. Jess passes them, coming down the stairs carrying out the wagon-wheel coffee table.
JESS Don’t say a word.
CUT TO:
INT. JESS AND MARIE’s APARTMENT—NIGHT
It’s all furnished now, very comfortable, not lavish. A corduroy couch, lots of books and records, a couple of quilts hanging over the backs of chairs. No wagon-wheel coffee table. A game of Win, Lose or Draw is in progress. Sally’s team consists of Harry, Alice, and Jess. EMILY, Harry’s date, is snuggled up against him. Alice’s husband, GARY, Marie, and JULIAN, Sally’s date, are part of the other team.
Sally is feverishly drawing what is supposed to be a baby.
JESS It’s a monkey. It’s a monkey. Monkey see, monkey do.
Sally shakes her head no and keeps drawing.
JESS (CONT’D) It’s an ape. Going ape.
ALICE It’s a baby.
Sally nods yes.
JESS Planet of the Apes.
Sally writes the word “BABY” on the paper. She continues to draw what looks like a big mouth.
HARRY Planet of the Apes. She just said it’s a baby. How about planet of the dopes?
JESS It doesn’t look like a baby.
Sally now has drawn what looks like arrows on lines coming out of the mouth.
HARRY It’s a big-mouth baby. Mick Jagger as a baby.
JESS Baby ape! Baby ape!
ALICE Baby’s breath.
HARRY (overlap) Rosemary’s Baby’s mouth.
JESS “Won’t you come home, Bill Baby?”
ALICE (overlap) Kiss the baby!
HARRY Melancholy Baby’s mouth!
JESS Baby fish mouth!
JULIAN Fifteen seconds.
ALICE Baby boom!
Sally is getting frustrated, can do nothing but draw more arrows out of the mouth.
JESS Draw something resembling anything!
ALICE … Kiss the baby …
HARRY (overlap) Baby spitting up. Exorcist baby!
ALICE “Yes, sir, that’s my baby.”
HARRY “No, sir, don’t mean maybe.”
JULIAN That’s it. Time’s up.
SALLY Baby talk.
JESS Baby talk? What’s that? That’s not a saying.
HARRY Oh, but “baby fish mouth” is sweeping the nation.
GARY Final score: our team, 110, you guys, 60.
SALLY (to Julian) I can’t draw.
JULIAN No. That’s a baby, and that’s a baby talking. You’re wonderful.
He puts his arms around her.
MARIE All right, who wants coffee?
Sally and Julian kiss. Harry looks on.
JESS I do, and I love you.
ALICE Do you have any tea?
MARIE One tea.
Harry holds up his hand.
HARRY Industrial strength.
EMILY I’ll have tea also.
SALLY I’ll help you. (to Julian) Decaf?
JULIAN Yeah.
ALICE Cream.
EMILY (to Marie) Where’s the bathroom?
MARIE Through that door, down the hall.
Emily and Harry kiss as she heads away. Sally notices this.
Jess and Julian are at the drawing board, examining Sally’s “baby” drawing.
JESS Never looked like a baby to me.
JULIAN Which part?
JESS All of it.
HARRY Hey, Jess, you were going to show me the cover art for your book.
JESS Oh, yeah, yeah. It’s in the den. (to Julian) Look, uh, Julian, help yourself—have some more wine, whatever you like, okay? (to Harry) I like saying it’s in the den. It’s got a nice ring to it.
INT. KITCHEN—NIGHT
Sally and Marie go about getting the coffee ready.
SALLY Emily’s a little young for Harry, don’t you think?
MARIE Well, she’s young, but look what she’s done.
SALLY What has she done? She makes desserts.
INT. DEN—NIGHT
HARRY Does Julian seem a little stuffy to you?
JESS He’s a good guy. You should talk to him, get to know him.
HARRY He’s too tall to talk to.
INT. KITCHEN—NIGHT
MARIE She makes 3,500 chocolate mousse pies a week.
SALLY Emily is Aunt Emily?
INT. DEN—NIGHT
JESS He took us all to a Mets game last week. It was great.
HARRY You all went to a Mets game together?
JESS It was a last-minute thing.
HARRY But Sally hates baseball.
INT. KITCHEN—NIGHT
SALLY Harry doesn’t even like sweets.
MARIE Julian is great.
SALLY I know. He’s a grown-up.
INT. DEN—NIGHT
JESS Emily is terrific.
HARRY Yeah. Of course, when I asked her where she was when Kennedy was shot, she sa
id, “Ted Kennedy was shot?”
JESS No.
CUT TO:
INT. HARRY’S BEDROOM—NIGHT
Harry in bed reading, trying not to look at the last page, but finally he can’t help himself. As he flips to the last page, the phone RINGS. He reaches for the phone and answers it.
HARRY Hello.
SALLY (through filter) Are you alone?
HARRY Yeah. I was just finishing a book.
SALLY (through filter) Could you come over?
HARRY What’s the matter?
INT. SALLY’S BEDROOM—NIGHT
SALLY He’s getting married.
HARRY (through filter) Who?
SALLY Joe.
INT. HARRY’S BEDROOM—NIGHT
HARRY I’ll be right there.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE SALLY’S APARTMENT—NIGHT
Sally opens the door. She wears a bathrobe. She is crying and looks terrible.
SALLY Hi.
HARRY Are you all right?
SALLY Come on in.
Harry follows her inside and closes the door.
INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT—NIGHT
SALLY (through tears) I’m sorry to call you so late.
HARRY It’s all right.
She goes on sobbing, then pulls back and gives a huge wheeze.
SALLY I need a Kleenex.
HARRY Okay.
SALLY Okay.
Sally starts into the bedroom.
INT. SALLY’S BEDROOM—NIGHT
Sally enters the room, looks for the Kleenex. Harry sits on the bed.
SALLY He just called me up. Just wanted to see how you were. Fine, how are you? Fine…. His secretary’s on vacation, everything’s all backed up, he’s got a big case in Newark, blah blah blah, and I’m thinking, I’m over him, I really am over him, I can’t believe I was ever remotely interested in any of this, and then he said, “I have some news.”
Sally starts to cry again.
SALLY (CONT’D) She works in his office. She’s a paralegal. Her name is Kimberly. He just met her. She’s supposed to be his transitional person, she’s not supposed to be the one. (beat) All this time I’ve been saying he didn’t want to get married. (beat) But the truth is he didn’t want to marry me. He didn’t love me.
HARRY If you could take him back right now, would you?
SALLY No. But why didn’t he want to marry me? What’s the matter with me?
HARRY Nothing.
SALLY I’m difficult.
HARRY You’re challenging.
SALLY I’m too structured. I’m completely closed off.
HARRY But in a good way.
SALLY No, no, no. I drove him away.
Crying even harder now.
