Jackson stumbled back and bumped into me. He quickly turned and grabbed my shoulders as I took my first step toward Chris.
"Mia, you need to get out of here." He urged me to leave.
Out of the corner of my eye, Nicholas's head snapped over at the sound of my name. Next thing I knew Nicholas was next to Jackson putting his hand on his shoulder.
"Let her go."
"But you don't know what he –" Nicholas gave him a look and simply said.
"Let her go, Jackson." He let me go.
Looking back over to Christopher, my heart thudded from the adrenalin. Swallowing all my fear and apprehension, I grabbed onto the invisible pull and stepped forward.
"I said to go away!"
I jumped when he screamed.
"Christopher," My whisper was shaky. He raised his head and looked at me, rage burning in his eyes.
Terror began to cut at me. I was wrong. I can't do this. He's going to launch himself at me. I shrunk back. Then his rage melted into something else. Guilt.
"Christopher?" Kneeling down three feet before him, I tried to keep my voice calm. His expression went blank and he stared blankly. He was lost and something deep inside me longed to find him.
There was movement behind me. Without taking my eyes from Christopher's, I put my hand out behind me.
"Don't!" The movement stopped.
Christopher's brow furrowed and he dropped his head back into his folded arms.
Inching closer I didn't say anything else. Finally close enough I could reach him, the fact that he could now reach me had also registered with the part of me fighting for self-preservation. My instinct screamed again for me to run, but the draw was too strong. Bracing myself for the possibility of an attack, I stretched out my arm...
Unclenching my fist, I placed my trembling hand on the top of his head. Immediately the tension melted from his shoulders. Quietly I released a breath, relieved he didn't pummel me.
Slowly I stood up to move closer, but he misunderstood my movement. Fumbling to his knees in front of me, he wrapped his arms around my legs and placed his head against my stomach. Impulsively I pulled my hands up on both sides until I knew what his next move would be.
Christopher's arm stretched out, his fingers wrapping around my wrist, placing my hand back on his head. I brought the other hand down to join. A loud gasp slipped from my lips when he locked his arms around me, lifting me up.
"Nicholas," Jackson hissed in the background.
"Stay still." He hissed back.
Christopher moved us across the room. Afraid Jackson was going to get in the middle of this I shot him a look telling him to stay back. Nicholas was holding Jackson in place. Relief washed through me. I had no idea what would happen if they tried to pull me away from Christopher.
Christopher lay us down on the bed, burying his face in my side. He relaxed, but could still feel some tension in his body.
"What the hell?" Jackson whispered.
"I don't know," Nicholas responded "But it worked regardless." He sighed heavily.
"Nicholas…" Una whispered. "What are we going to do?"
"I'm not sure yet." The pain and stress in Nicholas's words were heart wrenching.
Lying there with Christopher holding me like a stuffed animal, I tried to ignore the fact everyone one in the room was watching us. I knew they were analyzing everything, trying to make sense of it all. Hell, I'd been trying to figure it out since the first night.
Then the paramedic appeared.
Chapter Nine
El Paso had been a great way to end the concert streak. Nicholas pulled me aside after the concert to discuss what happened this morning with Mia and me, as well as talking about getting me professional help. I know what his idea of help is. We've tried it before. It never worked. He ended the 'get help' conversation with one last statement.
"She won't be on tour with you forever Christopher." He patted my back and walked away, leaving me to think. Out of the entire conversation, that was the one sentence on repeat in my head over and over again.
Arriving that night on the bus, I wondered if this morning would be the last straw for her, but she was there. Following my now familiar nightly routine, I showered, picked up Mia, fell asleep next to her, and left before she woke. She never said anything or complained, so I didn't stop.
Being the last person on the plane to Seattle, I scanned the cabin. Mia was in one of the middle seats. Choosing to sit in the back, we were in the air when my fidgeting started. Grabbing my notebook, I went to where she was sleeping. Even buried in an oversized sweatshirt, I could've told you exactly where her waist curved upward to her hip. Evidently, I needed to get laid once we got to Seattle.
Jabbing her with my pen to wake her, she growled her displeasure. We talked and bickered about the song. Telling her I would set up time for her to record her part when we got to Seattle, I left before she could say a word about it. Smirking I knew she would hate me telling her what to do.
Returning to the back of the plane, Nicolas' words filtered into my mind. She won't be on tour with you forever. Anxiety started gnawing at my gut. What did I plan on doing now that we were no longer sharing a bus? Were my newly restful nights a thing of the past?
When the plane landed in Seattle, everyone started to exit. Walking down the stairs, I caught sight of Mia removing the hood of her sweatshirt and raising her face to the Seattle mist. A look of relief and relaxation painted her natural face. The little one, Laney, interrupted my musings. She ran up and dragging her off, smiling like a crazy woman.
We arrived quickly to the hotel and I went straight up to my room, agreeing to meet the guys for dinner later. A few hours and a shower later I was sitting in the restaurant at the hotel with the guys and some other crewmembers.
Someone rubbed his or her foot up my leg and toward my thigh. Looking across the table from me, I saw Stacia, groupie extraordinaire, smiling seductively. I gave a knowing look, remembering my evident needs.
We sat around for a couple more hours in the restaurant talking about this tour and past tours; however, the conversation eventually dwindled down and I excused myself to my room.
After a quick stop by the restroom, I went to the elevator. Stacia was perched against the wall practically eye-fucking me. She pushed the elevator button. When the doors slid opened, she fisted my shirt, pulling me in with her. She smacked the 'close door' button hard and then my floor number. This time she didn't have to ask, she had done her homework.
Licking my mouth first, she moved to my neck all while rubbing up against me. My back against elevator wall, I grabbed her ass roughly. She moaned.
We awkwardly made our way to my room and she started removing my clothes. Directing us toward my bed, my anticipation for release grew. After pushing my pants down, she dropped to her knees taking me into her warm mouth. The talent of her mouth had me at full attention within a couple of minutes.
Standing quickly, she pushed her dress off her shoulders, letting it slide to the floor. Once she removed the remaining satin and lace, she shoved me onto the bed and crawled up my body. Hissing filled the room at the contact and grinding of our bodies.
Stacia raised her hips once and settled on my hips. The rocking and lifting of her body on top of me sent familiar sensations through my body. Grabbing her hips to set the rhythm I wanted, I closed my eyes as she moved above me. Then, out of nowhere, everything collided in my head.
Sitting on my bed, knees curled to my chest, I listened to him berate her over and over. The thud and the scream made me run from my room and rush to her side. His large, heavy hand found me first, dragging me back until he could throw me in the closet. He slammed the door shut, moving something in front of the door to prevent my escape. Curling into a ball on the floor I covered my ears to block out the sobbing my own cries. The stagnant smell of the closet was hauntingly familiar. Fear coursed through my veins.
The door slowly opened and there she was, reaching for m – battered an
d bruised. Grasping onto her, we hurried to my room, locking and blocking the door. Curling into her side, she tried to soothe my trembling. Then the pounding started and his screaming. Oh God, his screams.
The thumps grew louder and his screams were deafening. She grasped on to me tightly, shielding me. Then a louder noise went off and ringing filled my ears. Her hands clasped around my head and over my ears. Looking directly into her sad red eyes, I could see her sorrow.
With the collapse of the door and the dresser screeching across the floor, he crashed into the bedroom. She shoved me off the bed to the floor, jumping off the bed. The blaring roar exploded around my head again. She screamed.
"Run Now" and that's what I did…until she screamed again. "No! Please don’t!"
I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave her. Running back toward her screams, I got back to the room as the explosion roared through the air. All I saw was red.
Wiping my face, I looked down and saw my mother at my feet in a pool of blood. Falling to my knees sobbing, I pulled her lifeless body into my lap.
"Look what you did!" He pointed the gun at my head. "That was meant for you! This is your fault! You should never have happened!"
Fear, extreme pain, and utter agony flooded me. My mother fell from my arms when he slammed me back against the wall. He leaned down and cradled her in his arms.
"Don’t touch her!" I launched myself at him…
"Christopher! Christopher stop!" Stacia slamming her fists against my chest pulled me out of the nightmare.
Tears were streaming down her cheeks while she feebly attempted to pry my clenched hands off her hips. I let go and tried to shake off the aftermath of the horror. She scrambled away from me.
"What's wrong with you?" she sobbed.
Her face filled with terror and bruising was already forming on her hips. Standing to go to her, to make sure she was okay, she flinched back.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean –" I tried to reach toward her.
She backed away until her back pressed against the closed door. Taking one more step toward her, her mouth opened wide.
"Don’t Come Near Me!" She point a hand up. "Stay Away!" Yanking the door open, she ran from the room.
Grabbing my jeans, I slipped them on, stumbling as I ran after her to explain and apologize.
"Stacia, wait! I didn't mean to –"
She sobbed harder and screamed louder for help when she saw me. At the sound of her pleas for help, I stopped in my tracks. Slowly, I dropped to my knees, remembering her pleas, my mother's pleas and sobs.
Lifting myself from the floor my eyes landed on a newspaper lying in one of the doorways. The date caught my eye. Feeling the darkness claiming me, I ran back to my room and slammed the door shut. Going through all of my things, I tried to find the pills.
Where are the damned pills?!
"Fuck!" I dropped back to my knees. Panic gripped my chest.
Those bruises were on her because of my hands. Pulling my hands to my face, I slowly rocked back and forth, as images flashed through my mind. Emotions ripped through my body. Guilt, anger, and rage, pure unavoidable rage filled every limb. Standing I caught a glimpse my reflection in the black TV screen. My fist cracked the screen.
Blood immediately started to seep from my knuckles. In the bathroom, I tried to wash my hands. My reflection made me pause. The red marks on my chest from Stacia's attempt to escape me were clear. It looked like an animal had clawed my skin. No, I was the animal, the monster.
An animalistic scream roared from my chest. "I will not be like him! It wasn’t my fault!"
My reflection still taunted me. 'But it is your fault. The blood is on your hands', it said back. I smashed the mirror with my fists. Storming through the room, I smashed and flipped anything in my path. Pounding and screaming came from the other side of my door. Grasping at my hair, I tried to pull the image out of my head.
The thumps grew louder and his screams were deafening. Her grasp on me tightened, shielding me, protecting me.
Backing up against something, I slid to the floor waiting for the noise, waiting for the smell, waiting for my turn. To pay for what I had done.
Jackson was the first to rush to me but I didn't want him to get in the way when it was my turn. I shoved him away roughly. Nicholas halted his next approach and tried to talk to me. I don't want them here. What if they become my fault too? I shouted for them to leave. They were stubborn, stupid, and relentless.
Fuck, go away! Run! Please!
"Christopher it will be alright," Nicholas tried to step closer.
"No it won’t! It never goes away!" He stopped. "It’s my fault she’s gone!" The sobs poured from my chest. "It’s my fault!"
"No Christopher, nothing was your fault." Nicholas tried to get close again.
Burying my head, I didn't want to hear them, didn't want them here. They didn't know what I had done. If they did…
"Christopher?"
Jackson? Not again. Fucking leave before it's too late.
"Get the fuck away. Get out!" Not allowing him to touch me, I slammed my head back repeatedly, trying to get rid of the horror. Jackson's presence appeared again.
"Get out! All of you!" A red haze blurred the outline of his body. "I said to go away!"
Just let it be my turn, please let it finally end. I deserve it after what I've done.
"Christopher." The voice was soft, feminine. Why won't they leave?
It was her. She looked terrified. She cringed back a little because of me. She was here. She spoke again.
"Christopher?"
Waiting for the images to come or for her to disappear, I could only stare. It had to be a hallucination. She couldn't be here. What sane person would willingly walk into this?
"Don't!" She shouted, but her gaze didn't falter from mine.
Dropping my head in shame, I waited for the guilt and rage to surface again. She would leave if she knew what I had done, what I was. I was no better than he was.
The lure of her closeness washed over me, and then her hand rested on top of my head. Relief filled me. She sighed and moved.
No not yet! Don't go yet! Please be real.
Scrambling to my knees, I wrapped my arms around her. Reaching for her hands, I made contact with one and placed it back on my head. Her other hand joined. Calmness coursed through my body. Her body twitched, but I couldn't let her go. Knowing the bed would be easier on her than standing. I locked my arms around and lifted her. She gasped as I carried her across the room.
Once on the bed, I just needed silence in my head. Burying my face in her body and scent, the horror was gone. She made it better.
The tugging on my hand surprised me, and I pulled away quickly. Rage about to unleash again, her hand, soft and warm, touched my face, stopping me. Drawing my head back, my eyes met her kind, dark eyes.
"It's okay Christopher. Let him look at your hand."
Drowning in her haunting eyes, all I could do was nod.
"Okay?"
Her thumb rubbed slowly against my cheek. There was still tension in her voice. She was still afraid I would hurt her or someone. Burying my face, I let the pulling, poking, stinging, and burning in my hands continue.
With on last sharp sting in my arm, everything silenced.
* * * * *
Once the paramedic gave him the shots, I waited until his breathing slowed. Running my hand through his hair one time, I began to remove myself from him.
"Mia," Nicholas spoke in a hushed tone.
Wiggling out from Christopher's hold, I stood from the bed. Stumbling slightly when my equilibrium protested my vertical ascent, Nicholas grabbed my arm to steady me.
"Thanks," I whispered.
"Jesus Mia," he shook his head in disbelief, "if anyone should be thanked it's you." Pulling me into a tight hug, a soft whimper escaped him. Rubbing his back lightly, I tried to comfort him.
Once Nicholas released me, I looked around and saw everyone looking at me, confusion in their
eyes. Serena pulled me into a protective hug, not letting go of me.
"Nicholas –" Una broke through the silence.
"Una, I know, I'll deal with it all." Nicholas snapped. He sat next to Christopher on the bed, placing a shaky hand on his son's arm.
"No Nicholas," Una placed her hand on his shoulder. "I will get things taken care of in the hotel and see if we can move the next concert to a later date to give you time to decide what you would like to do."
Nicholas turned to her with a look of relief and appreciation. "Thank you Una."
Tears glistened on her cheeks, she walked away motioning for Xander to follow her. He moved quickly to her side and they left the room in a huddle of hushed words.
"Mia?"
Using the last of my strength, I look up from Serena's shoulder. I wasn't sure what Jackson was going to say or how he was going to react. He furrowed his brow.
"Thank you." Leaning toward me, he kissed my forehead. I just nodded slowly and buried my head back into Serena.
"Let's get you out of here" she whispered and pulled me along with her.
After climbing into bed and spooning with me, something we hadn't done since I was very little, she spoke.
"Are you okay? Do you need anything?" she rubbed my arm.
Shaking my head, I let exhaustion swallow my consciousness.
The next day I woke unsure of how long I'd been asleep. Serena was still behind me, but at some point, Laney and Kat joined us. Laney was lying at the end of the bed watching TV and Kat was in front of me. Laney turned from the show she was watching when I sat up and stretched.
"Hey there sleepy head," she smiled and rubbed my foot, "You hungry?"
My stomach grumbled in agreement.
Laney jumped up and left the room. Kat wrap her arm over my shoulder. I was waiting for the questions to start, but they didn't and I was thankful. I still wasn't sure what the hell happened or why I was so drawn to help him.
It should've terrified me, he should terrify me, but I wasn't afraid of him. There really was no rationale behind this, no reason. Truthfully, I didn't even know where to begin explaining any of it. Moments later Laney wheeled in a silver cart full of silver dome covered dishes.
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