Moth to a Flame

by Antoinette, Ashley

  He stood up, knocking the chair over as he called for the C.O. to let him out of the room. He was itching to get out of prison. Being confined behind the steel bars and brick walls was slowly driving him insane. He had a score to settle with the woman who put him there: Raven.

  There was something about a woman’s betrayal that drove an incarcerated man to his breaking point. Mizan did not think of all of the bullshit he had taken Raven through or any of the moments that had provoked her to set him up. All he could think of was the look on her face as they were taking him into custody. Every day, he was stuck behind bars, his resentment toward her grew, and when he was finally able to let it out he planned on punishing her hard. Her biggest sin against him was the disrespect she had dished out to him over the phone. Raven was out of pocket and he was determined to get out of jail so that he could personally put her back in place.

  Three weeks had passed since Raven’s rendezvous with Ethic and she could not get him off of her mind. Although they avoided each other, Raven had been sick to her stomach wondering about him. She had picked up the phone to call him so many times, but her ego always forced her to hang up. If he wanted to talk to you he would call, she convinced herself. He doesn’t want you. The attraction that she had for him was ridiculous. Her emotions for Ethic were not something that she could sweep under the rug. She wanted him in the worst way. Making love to him was simply a teaser. She desperately wanted to feel what it was like to be his lady, but in reality she knew that she was not enough. No matter how hard she tried or how much she changed, she would never be on the same level as Ethic. The throne he sat on was too high, and his expectations of her unrealistic. Despite knowing all of these things, Raven still could not stop her heart from fein’n for Ethic. Her connection to him was magnetic. Her love ran deeper than he could ever comprehend. Ethic was her father figure, her brother, her friend, her potential lover, all wrapped up in one. He had so many charming qualities that she admired and his demeanor was exactly like her father’s. She had always been a daddy’s girl and since she did not have one, she wanted him to fill that void. She wanted him to be that and so much more. If she could turn back the hands of time and change his perception of her, she would. The first impression that he had gotten of her was that of a selfish, self-absorbed, spoiled young woman. But time, as it always does, had changed things ... it had changed her. She was trying to do better, but those lasting notions of her had stuck with him, and no matter what she did he would always judge her for what she had done in the past.

  As she sat in her morning class, her foot bounced busily against the floor as she chewed on the tip of her pen. Ethic had her distracted, anxious, and off her square. Her focus was all off because there was no room in her head for any thought that did not revolve around him.

  “Where’s your head at, ma?” Jacob asked, noticing the starry look in her eyes as he slid next to her, taking the chair right beside her.

  She smiled at him slightly and shook her head. “I just got a lot on my mind,” she replied.

  “Maybe you need to relax and have a little fun,” he said as he slid a small plastic baggie filled with powder over to her. Raven immediately recognized what it was. She had been fighting the urge to get blasted ever since she had come to Kansas City. Every day she told herself that she wanted it and it took everything in her to stay away from the addictive drug, but now that the temptation was staring her in the face, her mouth began to water. She was struggling with what she should do and what she wanted to do.

  “I don’t get down like that,” she lied as she looked around to make sure none of the other students were watching.

  “Come on,” he whispered as he grabbed the coke and walked out of the room.

  Raven didn’t move as she closed her eyes. Don’t go ... You don’t need that shit anymore. Life is better now ... You’ve changed, she tried to convince herself, but all the while her mouth was watering in anticipation of the drug. Unable to resist, she stood up and balled her fists. Her inner turmoil was unbearable and the devil on her shoulder was telling her to go for it ... that it would make her feel good. She sat back down abruptly, causing some of her classmates to turn around and observe her weird behavior. “I’m sorry,” she said as she stood again. “Excuse me, I’ve got to go,” she said as she clumsily knocked into people, gathering her possessions. Raven followed Jacob out of the room. She could not help but go along. She was stressing and she knew that the powder in Jacob’s hand would give her the relief she was craving. One more time won’t hurt anything, she thought. She looked around as he took her hand and pulled her into the bathroom.

  “No, not here,” she whispered as she pulled away from him.

  “Relax ... nobody’s coming in here. Just hit one line. We’ll go back to your place to finish,” he responded as he sat down on the toilet seat and put a book over his lap. He poured the coke onto the cover and began to separate the coke in four equal lines. Raven’s eyes bulged in anticipation. She had not realized how much she had missed her high until she got on her knees and leaned over the book. All of the stress left her body as soon as the drug went up her nose. She didn’t save any for Jacob. Selfishly she consumed all four lines. On her knees with her head between Jacob’s legs, she smiled lazily as she looked up at him.

  He began to smile mischievously. “I thought you didn’t get down like that?” he asked. “Look to me like you’ve done this before, baby.”

  The cocaine was like the quick fix to all of her problems. All of a sudden Ethic’s rejection did not matter, and the stresses of her everyday life melted away. She felt carefree as she closed her eyes and enjoyed the rush. Now that she had wet her tongue again, her palette yearned for more. She licked her finger, picked up the cocaine residue that remained on the book, and then put her finger in her mouth. Her tongue numbed immediately from the potency of the drug. She wanted the cocaine to numb her heart and put her life on pause. At that moment she did not care about anyone but herself. No one seemed to know her pain or acknowledge her hurt. She was the one who had been deceived, had her young heart stolen, beaten, and betrayed. What about me? she thought.

  “You got some more?” she asked.

  Jacob nodded. “I got all you need, but let’s go back to your crib,” he said.

  Raven smiled as she stood. Her body felt shaky, but she was alert, as if she had just been thrown into a pool of cold water.

  “You a’ight?” Jacob asked. Her red eyes indicated that she was blown. He knew that the good-girl visage she put on was an act, and he eagerly led her to the parking lot, thinking that their get-high session would lead to sex.

  She hopped behind the wheel of her car and peeled out of the parking lot with Jacob in her passenger seat. The rush of the wind in her hair and the coke in her system made Raven feel more alive than she ever had before as she pushed the car to the limit. She didn’t care that she was on a city street. The speed only intensified her thrill. She turned on her radio and lifted her hands in the air, snapping her fingers as Keyshia Cole sang a song about love.

  “Wow, ma, chill out. Put your hands on the wheel,” Jacob stated with laughter as he watched her groove to the song. “You wild’n.”

  Raven put her hands on the wheel and glanced over to Jacob. It was obvious that he was attracted to her and at the moment his attention was much needed. For years she had felt like she was not good enough. Both Ethic and Mizan had a way of shitting on her. Jacob, on the other hand, boosted her ego, and the cocaine hindered her judgment as he placed a hand on her thigh. Her nipples poked through her shirt as his hand crept up her skirt. A tear slid down her face as she thought of what she was doing. She felt cheap. She called herself stupid. She was reverting to the old Raven, who made dimwitted decisions. She was trying to mask her feelings for Ethic and push him out of her mind by indulging in the only man who was willing to give her attention. Don’t do this, she told herself as she felt Jacob’s hand slide further up her skirt until he played with the silky hairs of her woman
hood. The cocaine made her clit swell in anticipation. You’re better than this, she lectured. You have worked so hard to get your shit together.

  She wiped the tear away and found the courage to speak up. “Don’t,” she whispered as she pushed his hand away.

  “What you mean don’t?” he asked. “You know you want to.” He ignored her request and leaned over to kiss her neck.

  “I’m serious,” she said as she moved her head and shook him off of her neck. “Come on, Jacob, stop.”

  Jacob’s grip on her thigh grew firm and Raven tried to pry his fingers off. He held on to her so tightly that the shape of his hand was left on her leg.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she asked as she wrestled him off of her while driving. Raven never even felt the car veer to the left; all she heard was the sound of car horns, but by the time she looked up it was too late. At seventy miles per hour, she crossed the center lane and collided into oncoming traffic.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Mizan loosened his tie as he walked out of the District Attorney’s office a free man. After turning state’s evidence he was a free man. He had told the police all he knew and had turned snitch on every hustler in the city he knew of; nobody was out of bounds. He figured that he was killing two birds with one stone by getting rid of the competition and negotiating his freedom. In return for the valuable information, he was given his life back. The D.A. publically dropped the charges against Mizan for lack of evidence. He would be the new hood star for beating the case, but in actuality he was a rat.

  Rich waited outside the county courthouse. When Mizan emerged they slapped hands and embraced slightly.

  “Welcome home, baby boy,” Rich stated.

  “Get me out of here, fam,” Mizan replied as they sped away. As soon as Mizan made it home he made his way to the kitchen and pulled a Corona out of the refrigerator. The flashing message button on his phone was blinking furiously and he pressed play as he began to walk out of the room. He paused when he heard a woman’s voice.

  “Hi, I’m trying to reach Mizan Simmons. My name is Donna Herring and I am a nurse at Con-centra Medical Center. A Ms. Raven Atkins has been in a car accident and we are trying to reach her loved ones. I found your information in her cell phone. She is badly hurt and we wanted to make sure that her family was informed of her condition. Please give me a call back when you receive this message. I can be reached at 816-891-0000.”

  Mizan smiled when the message ended. “You hear that?” he asked.

  Rich nodded. “What do you want to do? You want me to take care of her?”

  “Nah, I want her alive. Find out what city has the area code 816 and get to that hospital. Take one of the li’l niggas that ain’t afraid to make some paper. Tell them I got a job for ’em.”

  “Fuck I need to take a soldier with me for? I can handle it,” Rich assured him.

  Mizan shook his head in protest. “I don’t doubt that you can, but if Raven sees your face around her way, she’ll run. Take someone with you that she doesn’t know and make sure she comes back here in one piece. I want to see the look on her face when she sees that I’m out. She thought she could get away from me. She doesn’t leave unless I let her ... and I’m not letting go until she’s in the dirt.

  Beep! Beep! Beep!

  The sounds of the hospital machines filled the room as Ethic sat at Raven’s bedside. When Morgan’s school called him and informed him that she had not been picked up after classes had ended, he knew that something was wrong. He had ordered all of his lieutenants to hit the city until they found her. When he became aware of her condition he rushed to the hospital and he had not left her side since. Red eyes and stress lines revealed his worry as he leaned over with his face buried in the palm of his hands.

  “Don’t you think you should go and get some rest? You’ve been here for three days,” one of the nurses said as she injected morphine into Raven’s system.

  “I want to be here when she wakes up,” Ethic stated. “How is she?”

  “She’s still in critical condition. We’re doing all we can for her. She probably just needs time to heal. Her injuries are quite extensive. It’s probably better that she is sleeping, because the pain would be unbearable for her at this point,” the nurse revealed honestly. “Is there anyone else that we should call? Any family? We tried reaching some of the contacts in her cell phone before you showed up, but no one has called us back.”

  Ethic shook his head. “No, there is no one. I’m all she has,” Ethic stated. He had left his daughter and Morgan with Dolce. She had been calling him day and night, but he never answered. He knew that she would urge him to come home, and he did not know how to explain why it was so important to him that he stay. All he wanted was for Raven to wake up. If anything happened to her he would never forgive himself. To know that she had been under the influence of drugs disappointed him, but he knew that none of that would have happened if he had kept her close. He had brought her to Kansas City and then tried to keep her at a distance. She was his responsibility, and as he watched her fight for her life, he realized that she was his heart, as well. He had fought his feelings for her because he felt that he could not trust her, but he was slowly beginning to think that it was he who could not be trusted. He had played with her emotions and drew her in, then closed her out without explanation. He prayed that he had the chance to make things right with her. Ethic had never feared anything a day in his life, but when he looked at all the machines Raven was connected to, he knew that his greatest fear was losing her.

  Ethic felt another presence in the room and he looked up to find Jacob standing in the doorway. Ethic straightened his posture and glared in Jacob’s direction. Here Raven was lay up in a hospital and Jacob had walked away from the crash with just a few scratches and stitches. Ethic also didn’t appreciate the hand print that was left on her leg. Jacob had left his mark on her when he grabbed her leg and it took everything in Ethic to keep his cool.

  “Did you give her the coke?” Ethic asked directly.

  Jacob knew of Ethic’s reputation and he was hesitant to answer. He didn’t want to see Ethic. A confrontation with him would prove deadly.

  Ethic smirked and shook his head. “I know she’s a grown woman and she did what she wanted to do, but I don’t want to see you around again. If I see you even look in her direction then things could get real bad for you, n’ah mean?” he asked.

  Jacob nodded and backed out of the room while Ethic turned his attention back to Raven.

  All of a sudden the monitor beside her bed went haywire and began beeping loudly, causing the nurse to rush back into the room.

  “What’s happening? Is she okay?” Ethic asked as the room began to fill with hospital staff.

  “Her blood pressure’s dropping! Her heartbeat is irregular!” Ethic heard the nurses call out.

  “Yo , what’s happening to her?” he asked again as he was pushed out of the room. He struggled against the tiny woman who was holding him back.

  “Sir, you have to let us work,” the nurse said. “I will keep you updated.”

  Ethic rubbed the top of his head frantically as he began to pace back and forth, looking through the tiny window on the door to her room every few seconds.

  They wheeled Raven out of the room and the pit of Ethic’s stomach felt hollow. He sat down in the waiting room and prayed. Before Raven’s accident, he had not spoken to God in so long, and it did not feel right calling in favors from him now. But eventually every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess, and it was Ethic’s turn to turn over his earthly power. There was nothing that he could do to make Raven better. He had to put his life in God’s hands. Help that woman in there God ... my woman. You just brought her to me. Don’t take her away so soon. Don’t do this to me again. Uncertainty lingered in the air and hours passed before a resolution calmed his nerves.

  When he saw the nurse wheeling Raven back into the room, he sighed in relief. He did not like this type of love. He had
not felt this much pain since the death of Bella’s mother, but out of nowhere Raven had opened Pandora’s Box. She made him weak.

  Ethic reentered the room and waited for the nurse to give him an explanation.

  “Her blood pressure dipped dangerously low and we couldn’t figure out why her heartbeat was irregular,” the nurse stated. “We ran a couple, tests on her to find out why and we discovered that she is pregnant. We were picking up the baby’s heartbeat and we have stabilized her blood pressure so that it is not a risk factor for her or the baby.”

  “Pregnant?” he stated in disbelief. “How far along is she?” he asked, trying to determine if the child was his or Mizan’s.

  “She’s very early in her first trimester. Not even four weeks in yet,” the nurse said. “This is the most dangerous time in a pregnancy, however. She is very lucky that she did not miscarry as a result of the car accident.”

  “Pregnant,” he whispered as his eyes became glassy with emotion. His heart swelled as he wondered if Raven would have told him. If someone would have asked him five years ago where he and Raven would be, he would have answered, “On two different coasts.” Today, however, she meant more to him than he could have ever anticipated. He moved his chair closer to the hospital bed. Reaching over to grab her hand, he felt connected to her in a new way.

  “Hmm ... hmm.”

  The sound came from behind him, and he turned around to find Dolce standing in the doorway with Morgan and Bella behind her. She raised her eyebrows in disapproval. Her irritation was evident on her face.

  “I need to talk to you,” she said as she stalked out of the room, her high heels stabbing the floor with every angry step.

  Ethic sighed as he stood and ushered the two girls out of the room.