Destined to Feel

by Indigo Bloome

  ‘That is correct.’

  ‘How will I get there?’ I live in dread of being stuffed into a suitcase with happy gas again.

  ‘You will be escorted there in an ambulance. This is the safest way.’

  ‘By ambulance. Is that necessary?’ I query.

  ‘Be under no illusions, Dr Blake. We are not the only pharmaceutical company interested in securing your unique results. There are other, shall we say, less scrupulous companies who, should they lay hands on you, would not be so accommodating of your requirements.’ She raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow in my direction. Jeez, I hadn’t even thought of that!

  ‘Your safety is our utmost priority, Dr Blake, so I would ask that you go along quietly with our requests. That way we can minimise any danger we may find ourselves in.’ This would be a great time for my James Bond version of Jeremy to come crashing through the door or window with his special agent troops and rescue me from this scene. Where are you, damn it? Where are these special teams you told me about? Do you really not care any more?

  ‘Are you waiting for something, Dr Blake?’ Yes, waiting for something that is just not going to happen. My bravado seeps away as I resign myself to my fate.

  ‘No. When will I be going?’ I can’t help dejection colouring my voice.

  ‘At the conclusion of this discussion, and once you have signed the required documents. I am sure you don’t want to prolong this process more than necessary. I, like you, want to be reunited with loved ones as soon as practicable.’ At this point, I’m glad to be sitting, as my body feels leaden at her words. Will I be returning to Jeremy’s love or his betrayal? My children feel every bit as far away as they physically are. For some reason, it is slightly reassuring for me to know she has loved ones as well. It gives her a more sympathetic side and I get the sense that she also wants this over and done with as soon as possible.

  ‘And the money?’ I have no idea what I will do with this ‘blood’ money but have no doubt it could be put to good use in a number of charities I’m involved in.

  ‘Will be deposited in a bank account in your name at the conclusion of your time with us.

  The details will be included in your exit package.’

  ‘And if I said no to being involved at all, in any of this?’

  ‘Let’s not taint such a fruitful discussion with such suggestions, Dr Blake. I believe we have both come to a very satisfying conclusion under unusual circumstances.’

  How can she sound simultaneously so polite and so threatening? Any sympathy I detected has vanished in her last statement. It’s as if her ‘loved ones’ could be a pit full of venomous snakes. In a businesslike manner she crosses out some parts of the contract and adds some handwritten notes presumably based on our discussion before placing the revised document and gold pen before me on the desk.

  ‘I can assure you, your involvement in this research will be of benefit to women around the world, most significantly the more than 40% who report lack of sexual interest or desire as a key factor impacting their lives. Now we have a very real opportunity to develop a solution that can benefit women and significantly enhance their sex lives which has to be a good thing, don’t you think?’ This is obviously a rhetorical question, she continues without a pause as if she’s delivering their marketing plan to an audience. ‘If all goes according to plan, we should be in a position to release this drug early next year. It is near perfect, Dr Blake, as you will experience in our laboratory.’

  I can’t imagine a sex life better than the one I have with Jeremy but being at the edge of a scientific breakthrough suddenly excites me, particularly one that may affect the lives of women so dramatically — if it does, in fact. Her words still linger as I pick up the gold pen and quickly scan her amendments. If Xsade’s purple pill targets female arousal, not just the physical aspects such as increased blood flow, just imagine the potential impact for both women and men alike?

  Good grief, this could change our lives as we know it. No wonder some companies are willing to take frightening risks.

  I can’t deny that there is definitely a part of me that is really intrigued to find out if it works, first hand. I think about my friend Mandy in the States, who recently paid thousands of dollars to have her sexual arousal tested at a specifically designed clinic. Although I suppose if women can have reconstructive surgery on their labias, it shouldn’t really be such a shock that there seems to be no expense spared either by corporations or individuals in some cases.

  Is this really what has become so important to us? I reflect on the impact that Viagra has had on our society. Men unable to achieve an erection due to drugs for HIV, anti-depressants or age, or even men just wanting to stay harder for longer, are suddenly able to engage in sex again, all due to the little blue pill. I have only had one experience of Viagra and it was when Jeremy and I were in Santorini and although it started very playfully, it didn’t end well, from my perspective at least. The memory pervades my mind.

  We’ve just arrived back at our hotel, all whitewashed walls and blue painted round rooftops, which is embedded into the side of a hill. The Greek islands are such a great place to relax and chill out away from the stresses of life. It is a big hike up the hill and we are both hot from the climb, even though we had been in the clear waters of the sea only ten minutes ago. I decide to jump in the small hotel pool, and Jeremy continues on to the coolness of our cave-like room.

  He’s been in a funny mood since our chat on the rocks. Maybe he is just preoccupied with his latest research project. I wasn’t sure how he’d react to me telling him about Robert and wanting to settle down. It’s obviously the furthest thing from his mind and I can’t say it didn’t sting a little that he doesn’t ever see us being together like that at all. I had always suspected we weren’t that way inclined, but I can’t deny I always had this nagging hope that one day…maybe, it might work out for us…when we were so good together in other ways. But we experienced such extreme highs, perhaps we wouldn’t be so good together in a more mundane day to day scenario. Anyway, at least now I know once and for all. He had his chance to say something and he didn’t, so I suppose our lives must continue on their separate tangents. He certainly seemed more intent on making the most of this holiday and having frivolous fun together, than seeming to want anything else longer term, and I felt he reinforced this by throwing me in the water. Always playing and mucking around. Oh well. I dry myself off and return to our room, knowing I have a little surprise for him that will hopefully cheer his mood and distract him from whatever is on his mind — maybe.

  ‘Hi, I’m back. What are you up to?’

  ‘Just packing some work papers away so I can focus fully on you for the rest of the weekend.’ Work, just as I thought.

  ‘Excellent. I have something for you but I want you to promise to use it this weekend.’

  ‘Sounds intriguing, particularly when you are looking so cheeky over there. But you’ll need to give it to me before I promise, sweetheart.’

  ‘Oh Jeremy, go on…why can’t you promise me without knowing, just this once…please?’

  My voice is pleading and to my great surprise, he seems to have a change of heart.

  ‘Okay. I promise. As long as you’re not trying to kill me.’

  ‘As if I would ever do that.’ I act like I’m mortally offended. ‘Thanks J. I can’t wait to see the impact it will have.’

  ‘Okay, now you’ve got me worried. What impact?’ I hesitate for a moment as I try to second-guess how he’ll take this.

  ‘Come on, Alexa, don’t go all shy on me now. What is it?’

  ‘Remember you promised?’

  ‘Yes, I promised.’ Excitement washes through me that he has promised me something but he doesn’t know what, very unusual for him.

  ‘Okay, just give me a sec.’ I race into the bathroom, rummage through my toiletries bag and locate a plastic bag with two little blue diamond-shaped pills in it. Hiding it behind my back I saunter out to the lounge room, a
wide smile spilling over my face. I wonder what he’ll say when he finds out, I muse.

  ‘Are you going to give it to me, Alexa, or do I need to wrestle it out of your hands.’

  ‘Hmm, as tempting as that sounds…here.’ I hand over the bag and wait patiently while he inspects its tiny contents.

  ‘What the? Where did you get these?’

  ‘They’re authentic, I promise, nothing dodgy. I just thought you might, well, we could experiment, see what they are like, what impact they have while we are here.’

  ‘Sweetheart, you want me to take Viagra? Since when am I not hard enough for you?’

  ‘Since never, Jeremy, it’s not that. I just thought it would be interesting for us to experience together… You promised remember.’

  ‘Yeah, I know. I just wasn’t expecting this.’ He holds the plastic bag toward me as if it is an unidentified specimen. ‘Where did you get them? Oh never mind, it doesn’t matter, anyway.’

  ‘So you’ll have one?’

  ‘I promised, didn’t I? I have to admit, I’ve always been interested in what impact they’d have on some one not suffering from erectile dysfunction. Which I’m sure you know that I don’t!’

  he states emphatically. I link my arms around his taut, tanned waist and reassure him of his virility with a kiss.

  ‘I would never, ever say that about you, J. I just thought it would be fun while we are away and they’re obviously no use to me.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll take ONE tonight and see what happens. I hope you are prepared for the repercussions.’

  ‘I’ll do the best I can to accommodate your needs, Dr Quinn.’ A rush of lascivious anticipation settles in my bones.

  ‘Will you promise me something in return?’

  Oh, I knew it was too good to be true. ‘What did you have in mind?’

  ‘I think it’s only fair that if I am taking something to, um, how should I state it in medical terms…give me a full on stiffy for hours, then the least I can do is put you in the mood so you are more able to accommodate me.’

  ‘What do you have in your bag of tricks this time?’ I look at him dubiously.

  ‘How did you know? You must promise to choose at least one of the items…actually no, I think I know which one will go best with the Viagra.’ He returns from his suitcase with a small, stylish bag. Before he hands it over to me he says with a cheeky grin, ‘Promise?’. Thank goodness happy Jeremy is back and the moody one has gone.

  I can’t help but feel a little sentimental that this may be the last time I am in a position to promise Jeremy anything, after all these years. ‘Yes, I promise.’ He reaches into the bag and hands me a very cute decorated box with a funky purple egg in it that looks like it has been ever so slightly squashed in the middle and a narrow rectangular box with press pads.

  ‘No wonder you were so happy to promise me,’ I say sarcastically. His face explodes into a mischievous grin. I take a closer look. Luxury vibrating wireless egg, effective within a ten metre radius.

  ‘Oh no, not you with a remote control again? Honestly? You know what it did to me last time. I spilt drinks everywhere.’ I raise my eyebrows toward him knowing full well he can hardly contain his enthusiasm.

  ‘At least this time it is for use in your desired orifice, sweetheart. This way you will be able to directly track the impact the Viagra is having on me.’

  ‘And how is that exactly?’

  ‘I will let you know via remote control. As my erection strengthens, I will increase your vibrations so we are evenly matched.’ He looks thoroughly pleased with himself. ‘Oh come on, you were the one who was excited that I had to take the blue pill not five minutes ago. Now who is becoming the prude?’

  ‘Oh, all right, I suppose it could be worse. But what’s with your obsession with remote controls, Jeremy?’ He turns towards me and cups my cheeks in his palms and says seriously,

  ‘Nothing pleases me more than being able to control your pleasure, Alexandra.’ He kisses my lips so softly and gently, it makes me weak at the knees until I crumple back onto the bed beneath him. His tongue steadily pries open my mouth and the depth of his kiss is so impassioned I wonder if I am in some hot love scene at the movies. His hand slips through my bikini top and fondles my breast, his fingers flicking my nipples to attention. My butt crushes the new toy beneath us as we roll around, hungry for each other. ‘Be careful, Alex, I want to make sure this is in perfect working condition for tonight.’ He picks up the box as if it is injured and I’m not treating it with the reverence he believes it deserves. I’m left panting on my side as he decides to open it up. ‘Actually, I might just make sure it’s in full working order. And besides, you should probably be saving your energy, I have the feeling you’ll need every bit you can muster for tonight.’ He slaps my behind playfully. ‘Why don’t you have the first shower while I get this organised and I’ll choose what you’ll be wearing for dinner.’ I open my mouth to respond and promptly close it again. So what if he wants to decide what I’m wearing for dinner? I packed my outfits to bring on holiday, so he can’t go far wrong.

  ‘Sure, why not? Then you can have your shower and I’ll choose yours.’ I swat his behind in return and head into the shower as per the instructions of my bossy best friend. I can’t help but eagerly anticipate the night ahead.

  In keeping with our Grecian surroundings, we are both wearing white linen, which looks good given we’ve been touched by the Mediterranean sun. My dress is reasonably skimpy but not too short, thank goodness, and Jeremy has chosen a tan belt to bring it in around my waist.

  He doesn’t like shapeless clothes on me whatsoever. He looks hot with his shirt unbuttoned just past his pecs. You can get away with that on Greek islands without looking sleazy and he looks anything but. His hair has grown since I last saw him and it’s hanging tousled and wavy around his face, its darkness framing the intensity of his smoky, green eyes. He looks like an Aegean sex god and I could honestly take him right now, but he reminds me that we have a dinner reservation.

  ‘So when are you going to take it?’

  ‘After the entrée at dinner, just in case the impact is too fast.’

  ‘Do you think we should try and last as long as we can out and about? I wouldn’t mind going for a boogie.’

  ‘You think you’ll last that long with this inside you?’

  ‘Oh, that’s right.’

  ‘We should try it now.’

  ‘I thought you already tested it?’

  ‘I mean inside you. I’d hate for it to malfunction.’

  ‘I suppose it’s better to sort out any issues in the privacy of our own room. How far is the restaurant?’

  ‘Just up the road.’

  ‘Okay then, hand it over.’ I wait for him to give it to me and he looks at me with a twinkle in his eye.

  ‘Allow me.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Please?’

  ‘Oh, alright then.’

  ‘Great, place one leg up on the lounge. Do you need lubrication?’ No, not after my thoughts about how hot Jeremy looks just moments ago, I’m raring to go.

  ‘I should be fine.’ I lower my knickers to provide him with direct access.

  ‘Okay, ready?’

  ‘As ready as I’ll ever be. Jeez, the things I do for you.’ He slides it carefully between my thighs into my vulva and I feel the pressure as he moves it higher, into position.

  ‘Hmmm, ready as always, Alexa.’

  ‘If I wasn’t starving, we wouldn’t be leaving this room, Jeremy’.

  ‘Such little patience, sweetheart. I’m sure you’re a stronger woman than that.’

  He places my leg back on the floor. ‘How does it feel?’

  ‘Fine, at the moment.’ He takes the control out of his trouser pocket and I eye it dubiously.

  ‘Just testing and I promise I won’t start it again until I take the “innocuous” blue pill.’ He presses the button and a low vibration stirs within my core and it feels good. Slowly the intensity inc
reases and Jeremy’s eyes are absorbing every reaction of my face. It feels really good. ‘Okay?’

  ‘Hmmm, indeed, good choice.’ The vibrations continue their journey of intensity until I quickly grab the control out of his hand. ‘Yes, all working. No problem, no malfunction. Just go easy on those high levels, or I won’t be able to speak, let alone walk.’ He turns it off.

  ‘Great, perfect. We’re ready to go then.’ I place the pill in my handbag for safekeeping along with the remote control. He stares at me in disbelief.

  ‘It’s only fair, J. I will give them both to you after entrée, like you said.’

  ‘Well, let’s get a move on.’ He sounds as anxious for our night to begin as I am as his arm sweeps around my waist and I’m escorted out the door. I can’t help but do pelvic floor exercises with each passing step, ensuring my purple friend is snug and tight within me.

  We quickly devour vine leaves and stuffed eggplant for entrée, both excited to explore the next phase of our evening. Jeremy orders a shot of ouzo to mark the occasion with an elaborate

  ‘Cheers’, which our waiters applaud, and I discreetly hand him the pill. ‘Is it okay to drink with Viagra?’

  ‘We’ll find out, I suppose.’ He downs it in one gulp with his water.

  ‘And the remote?’ He places his hand on my leg under the table so I can give him the control and I fumble and miss. The waiter comes scurrying by and quickly retrieves the control, handing it into Jeremy’s outstretched palm. ‘Thanks very much.’ He smiles without any embarrassment whatsoever and places it smoothly in his pocket. I close my purse and take a quick gulp of my vino to distract me from our table antics. I decide it might be sensible to go to the bathroom now, before the sensations begin. I excuse myself from the table.

  ‘You will be leaving everything intact, Alexa.’ It’s a statement not a question.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘You know I will be able to tell immediately?’

  ‘Yes, Jeremy, you have gone through with your end of the deal so I will follow through on mine.’

  ‘Thank you, don’t be long. I think I’m starting to feel something.’ Oh dear, I move quickly to the ladies.