Arizona Allspice

by Lewin, Renee

  This could be the end of a five day hell or the next level of it. It all depended on what Joey wanted. If Joey wants to help me, he will help me. If he wants Manny to pay, Manny will pay. I can’t stop my hands from shaking as I rush to his bedside. His faintly freckled eyelids slowly flutter open to reveal his blue eyes. I find myself, not able to meet his gaze, looking at his slightly stubbled cheek, his strong chin, and his pink Cupid’s bow mouth. Miss Kinsley caresses his hand, patiently waiting to hear her son’s voice again. Then the first word out of his mouth is my name.

  NINE

  I lay in bed face up with my hands under my head, staring into the darkness and grinning like a fool, imagining Elaine maybe noticing I exist now that Raul wasn’t parading around in front of her with his golden skin and empty marriage promises. I can’t believe I didn’t make Raul swallow his own teeth today at the convenience store. I just got off the phone with Manny and he told me Raul was history. Elaine just came home from breaking up with him. She is finally free of that tool. Along with Manny’s congratulations, I’d received an odd warning to not trip myself up. It hadn’t made any sense. Why would I let anything sabotage the opportunity I’d waited two years for? Five years for? After ten more minutes of smiling and daydreaming, doubtful thoughts began to pop up and I understood Manny’s cautionary words.

  I should give her some space, I think. She should be left alone for at least a few weeks. Her heart had just been broken after being betrayed by a guy she’d dated for a reasonably long amount of time. I don’t want to be a rebound or something, if she even considers me rebound material. What if she really doesn’t find me remotely attractive? I mean, I’ve seen her eyes wander over my body before, but only if I’m wearing a shirt that’s kind of snug and its right there in her face. Back in high school she used to notice me when I walked into class. Then again, my red hair certainly draws a person’s eye to me no matter if they want to see my face or not. And was there any way to make freckles stop? I hate them. They look like bacteria multiplying on the surface of my skin or something. I know staying out of the sun would help, but I’m not going to stop playing soccer, that’s, like, a third of my life. This is Arizona. I can’t just escape the sun. And don’t get me started on my nose or my mouth or my ears or…

  There are the relentless anger issues, too. What’s sick is that I feel angry just thinking about my anger. Sometimes I justify that part of me by saying it’s beneficial. How good would I be at soccer or at protecting my friends and family if I wasn’t easily worked up and scary and intimidating? I want to be normal. I don’t like having to do dumb breathing exercises multiple times a day to stop myself from flipping out. I want to not scare Elaine. At the same time she can turn me into soft marshmallow fluff if I’m not closely monitoring my feelings so I get so defensive around her because she was, and still is, the one of two people who can hurt me the most. She always found a gap in my armor and pierced me. In an astonishing way that made me want to talk to her even more so she could help me strip off the armor and find the rest of the shrapnel in my side that I always ignore. Sounds scary, right? One afternoon around the middle of freshman year, the year in which pining for her attention had become a hobby of mine, I found her at her locker.

  “Elaine, this is the absolute last time I’m going to ask you to be nice and let me help you with the English project,” I smiled and she snorted, both of us knowing it wouldn’t be the last time. There was a trace of a smile on her full lips and I studied her fresh face. She didn’t wear any makeup at all and she was still pretty. I hadn’t seen her smile since before the rent thing. It had been a month ago and everyone had stopped harassing her by now, yet she didn’t seem any happier or any less happy. She dealt with it like a saint. If I had been in her position, with everyone ganging up on me, I would have exploded and a couple dummies at school would have found themselves knocked into a coma. I seriously admired Elaine for keeping her composure.

  She turned her face from the locker to me, feeling my eyes assessing her, and I watched her brown eyes behind her purpley glasses quickly lose their warmth.

  “What do you really want from me?”

  “Um, to work with you on the project,” I replied. My words sounded false to my own ears. I wanted more than just homework help. I was hoping she and I would hit it off and be good friends. That’s what I told myself at the time. I was in denial.

  “Look, I’m not some weak lamb that needs a guy to tell her she’s worth something, so can you find some other chick? I’m not like Morghan or Natasha or any other chica that goes here.”

  She was using Spanish words. I liked that. “Yes. I know that.” She cut her eyes at me. “What?” I said confused, “Am I wrong for noticing that you’re not like them?”

  “You’re wrong for noticing that and still having the nerve to try to use me for a simple little English project!”

  I shook my head tiredly. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that it’s not like that.” I gave her a sincere look.

  She blinked. “For your information, your charm doesn’t work on the intelligent.” The warning bell rang and she quickly stuffed her things into her bag and shut her locker. “I don’t have time to chat with you and I don’t have time to deal with any of you boys in this town and all your little ‘Daddy Issues’.”

  My mouth went dry. Daddy Issues? She joined the bustle in the hallway, towards her next class. My jaw clenched and I could feel indignation rising as heat in my hands and up my neck. She wasn’t going to throw that at me and just walk away. Who told her about that? Was her mother gossiping about me or something? That was private information. I strode quickly through the busy hall towards her and planted myself in her path, causing her to stop in her tracks. “What do you know about my father?” I grilled her.

  The anger in my voice didn’t register in my mind until her palms flashed up at me to maintain some distance between us. The glare she gave me didn’t show any fear, but that one protective move of putting up her hands was enough. I recoiled from her, horrified at myself, and took two steps back. I was even more stunned when she then took one and a half steps closer to me. I could smell her sweet smelling body lotion. I could feel the warmth radiating from her body.

  “You want to hit me? Do it right here where everyone can see it, you coward,” she spat.

  Shame slumped my shoulders. “I wasn’t going to hit you. I would never do that,” I said, barely intelligible and hardly convincing. I wanted to hit something. But not you.

  “I know you wouldn’t. Not with your loving fans around. The only thing I know about your father is that I’ve never laid eyes on him. Were you seriously going to get all ticked off and defensive over someone who obviously doesn’t matter?”

  He does matter. Too damn much. She was right. How stupid was I to stand up for the man who abandoned me? I tugged firmly and nervously at the curls at the nape of my neck as I looked anywhere but at her; at the floor, at a locker, at a trash can, the one I once threw her broken glasses in. I wonder where she buys them. Maybe she orders them special because I had been looking around for those glasses right after I’d broken them and I couldn’t find it anywhere in town which was extremely frustrating.

  “I’m not sure why I’m wasting my breath, but you in particular enjoy bothering me all the time so hopefully I can send you off with a bit of wisdom and guidance, neither of which you have, and we could make this goodbye forever.”

  I even asked your mother and she didn’t know. She said you keep it a secret which made me want to find those glasses even more. I wanted to make a pilgrimage to the place and study it and, in turn, know another aspect of you.

  “Joey? Hello? Are you even listening to me?”

  Every word. I nodded and went back to admiring her as she lectured me. She’s actually taking time out of her day to talk to me. Does that mean she cares a little?

  “Everybody in Merjoy seems to have Daddy Issues. Either he’s not there or he is and doesn’t care to be. For s
ome reason, that’s an excuse to be a jerk or a philanderer. I say what your dad does is not an excuse. I say screw him and live your life, but what do I know? I’m the one who’s getting along just fine, and yet they ask me what do I know? Obviously I know enough.”

  Obviously. She was living under the same roof as Mr. Roberts and she seemed more confident and in control than I was about the situation and it wasn’t even my mother to worry about.

  When I found out later that Elaine actually didn’t know what was going on between her mother and her father at all, I was pissed off. I knew that if she somehow put the pieces together down the road she would feel guilty and responsible for not protecting her mother. It was best to tell her while it was happening so she wouldn’t feel like a horrible self-absorbed daughter later on. Or to just not ever tell her.

  What is that scent she’s wearing? It’s driving me crazy. It’s sweet, but it’s not fruity. Nor is it a flowery smell. It’s sort of earthy. It’s sugary. Maybe it’s brown sugar. No, it’s honey! Honey and vanilla or something, like in a dessert. I bet she tastes good. Her lips would taste like a cinnamon roll. And if I kissed her right there on her neck it would taste likeWhat is she? Candy Land? No, but she looks so…delectable.

  Elaine paused in the middle of her sentence then and her eyebrows went up, slight disbelief in her eyes as she realized how intently I was staring at the soft brown skin above her collar bone.

  Did I say that “delectable” part out loud? No I didn’t. I can’t talk and chew on my lip at the same time. Can she tell what I’m thinking? I bet it’s written all over my face. She knows what I’m thinking! Oh no, my face is getting hot. Don’t get angry with her, Joey, she’ll never speak to you again if you do. My cheeks are getting hot, but I’m not angry, so I’m blushing. I’m blushing? What the…I haven’t blushed since, since, I don’t know! This is so not attractive. This is too embarrassing. Breathe. Breeeathe.

  A smile began to form on her lips that made my heart jump and the next second it was gone again and she went back to serious mode. “All I’m saying is you could stand for some, no, a lot of improvement.”

  I nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly. I did have a lot of baggage to work on.

  “Good luck and goodbye forever,” she finished then walked away to class.

  Of course it wasn’t goodbye forever. I was bothering her again two days later, after I had time to recover from it all. I pulled my hands from behind my head on the pillow and lay them across my chest. I closed my eyes because staring into the dark was making my eyes twitch. Even when I’d had all those thoughts about wanting to be with her, some dreams as well, I was in denial most of Year One. I chalked my feelings up to hormones, curiosity, and my competitive nature. It was just a simple high school crush. I was young and afraid of how serious it all felt. I was writing embarrassingly flowery poems about her, for God’s sake, and still I told myself I was just being a hornball. I was eager and daring that year. I bounced back from each of her little sucker punches and came back for more.

  I started to worry during Year Two. The crush didn’t just go away like I’d expected. Reading every book Miss Marna ever mentioned Elaine had read was not just curiosity. Fantasizing about the future, family get-togethers and all, wasn’t just hormones. Finding myself jealous of her own twin brother because he got to hug her whenever he wanted was not just my competitive nature. I slowly admit to myself that I might love this girl. I felt really desperate and I didn’t like the feeling so I told myself it was admiration and a little lust mixed together. But when she would read her work aloud in our English class it got deeper. When I got a smile out of her it got deeper. Lust doesn’t get deeper. Admiration can only account for so much. It became clear to me that she was incredible. Me? I wasn’t even close.

  I’d watch her talk to these two people, Village Kids, this girl and some dude who were really smart, boring, valedictorian prototypes. I’d see her talking to them in class, giving them the time of day. I started to question my value. Was I not smart enough, my aspirations not high enough? Was I not reserved enough? Too much of a boisterous soccer-playing brute? I was an idiot jock to her and someone like Elaine didn’t have time for mediocrity. I needed to work on it, that’s all. If I wanted her I needed to step up my game. I was frustrated about the abuse Miss Marna was suffering, and that Elaine was living in that environment. I wanted that man in jail. But, what kind of person would I be to want Elaine out of that violence and at the same time want her to be with me? I wasn’t exactly stable. I scared myself sometimes with my hotheaded reactions. As the years passed, I got more explosive so I never quite knew what I was capable of.

  For that reason, I needed all these people to surround me in my life. If I had soccer friends, and school friends, and party friends, and I was still needed by a lot of girls in town then it meant I wasn’t so bad. People still thought I was a cool person. Lots of friends were an assurance that I was okay, so I gave my time to anyone at all. Even some people who didn’t have two brain cells to rub together. I knew that Elaine probably despised the folks I associated with. Elaine didn’t need anyone. I wanted to be like her and I was working on that. By the end of that second year nothing had changed enough for me; neither on my part nor hers. I’m not sure what I expected to achieve with no real plan and an absurd goal of becoming perfect.

  Now Year Three, on the other hand, I worked on finding any inclinations I felt to be with her and beating every last one of them to a pulp and then chaining down and locking up that desire in the cellar-like darkness behind my heart. I hated her for making me feel weak, stupid, volatile, and not good enough. If I dared use rational thought to conclude it wasn’t her fault I had low self-esteem, I would get angry with myself for defending her and take it out on an unsuspecting opponent.

  Wailing on an opponent wasn’t a release anymore. I didn’t enjoy myself on the field and I didn’t come off of it any less mad. I blamed her for ruining soccer for me. Who was she to look down her nose at my passion and my friends? I was resentful of how, without showing me a hint of fondness, she’d managed to wrap me around her little finger. Lots of bonfire parties had me on the guest list that year, the blazing fire the antithesis of what I felt for the random girl I found myself making out with. It took my mind off of things for a while, but only for a few weeks at a time. Some betraying thoughts would pop up and I’d throw a fit and stomp them back down. I spent that year running away.

  I turn over onto my side and slide my hand underneath the cool pillow. I feel my hair under my cheek. Uncomfortable and annoyed, I lift my head and brush some curls away from my face before I lay back down.

  Year Four was anguish. I don’t know how I came out the other side of it unbroken. I’m not so sure that I did. Elaine chose Raul that year. I’m not going to get into the list of reasons Raul wouldn’t be good for any girl, but the list of reasons he wasn’t good enough for my girl was infinitely longer. He is the poster boy for dumb, big-headed, perverted soccer jocks. How could Elaine mistake me for that and not see it was true about Raul? Raul was the opposite of who I was; thought the opposite of what I thought, looked the opposite of how I looked.

  My friends probably just thought I was vain and feeling myself the way I started staring down my reflection in any available mirror. Seeing them together, it hurt more than any turndown she’d ever given me to my face. My mother told me she saw Elaine smiling with him at B’s pizza parlor. Miss Marna told me her daughter was happy. If Raul made her happy then so be it, I said. It’s not like I had dibs on her or something. Still, the thought of Raul’s hands all over her, man, it turned my stomach.

  My world really shattered when Miss Marna passed away. My first thought was Mr. Roberts had done something to her and I was very prepared to do something to him in return. But, it wasn’t him. It was me. The way I treated her…I put extra stress on her. She was desperate for me to keep her secret and I just led her to believe I would tell her kids. I wasn’t going to. I wanted Miss Marna to finally ask me to
help her get out of the situation. Instead, she wanted me to help her stay in it. I was upset. I ignored the notes she left outside my window. I watched her crying. I saw her begging. I did nothing. No wonder her heart couldn’t take it. It felt like mine couldn’t take it anymore either. When I learned the news of her passing, the earth stood still and all my hope evaporated into the atmosphere.

  I couldn’t get out of my bed the day of the funeral so my mom, of course, was worried. I tried to tell Mom the whole story starting from the first year, but I wasn’t really in my right mind. I could only articulate bits and pieces of it. After crying with me for a moment, she recommended I stay away from Elaine and the rest of Miss Marna’s family. It wasn’t healthy that I was blaming myself, she said. She was right. I wasn’t healthy. My mind wasn’t right. Something had broken. I asked for it to happen, didn’t I? I wanted her kids to know about their father, right? They knew now, and they would know forever that their dad was sick and their mother was dead.

  I should have shut my mouth. Just like the rent thing that happened, I should have minded my own damn business. When I was able, I visited Miss Marna’s grave and I gave her my word that I would stay out of her family’s life. Thinking back, I started sabotaging myself. When I got a job at PiCo, the way I was destroying their property was a repeated request to be fired. I sabotaged the wins of Las Chupasangres and the friendship I had with my teammates. Guess I didn’t want to feel like my life was going along any better than Elaine’s and Manny’s. They weren’t going off to college either and they were the only two people in town other than Mario who had the merit.