Arizona Allspice

by Lewin, Renee

  Finally, Year Five, the year I’m at now. Five years is a long ride. At the beginning of this year I had been bounced around to five different departments at the factory. After a particularly big meltdown involving a blowtorch I was placed on a probation period working on the Pony Express. I was in charge of getting the letters and packages from the postal services and getting them to their rightful departments at PiCo. I was doing well. Soccer was going well, except for when we played the Tormentas. They were always just a little bit better than our team, I reasoned. It had nothing to do with me hating Raul with a passion for still dating Elaine for two years and counting. No, because I’d completely and successfully erased those feelings when Miss Marna passed away. Sure I did.

  Suddenly, one night I had a dream. It is a rare occurrence that I remember any of my dreams when I wake up. I don’t think I can call it a dream. It changed everything. It was a message. Everything was so vivid and felt so real. I was at a funeral. They were lowering the casket into the earth and I was standing amongst the crowd of mourners. Dreaming about Miss Marna’s funeral wasn’t a nightmare in itself. For me it was a subconscious release. There was so much guilt over why I missed her actual funeral. In the dream I wore a new black suit and new black shoes and I could honor her respectfully. Someone’s arm was hooked in mine and they were giving it a sympathetic squeeze. I couldn’t take my teary eyes away from the casket. As the closed casket lowered further I saw the name on the marble headstone: Elaine Frankie Roberts.

  The wind was knocked out of me. My insides quivered. It felt like my legs were going to give out and I would fall to my knees, but that person beside me gripped my arm and pulled up when I started to dip and I was able to stand firm. My eyes were clenched tight as I tried to gain control of my grief. I wondered if I was the one that killed her. “Joey, don’t you blame yourself. Do you hear me?” It was hard to hear the person’s voice above the pulsing in my ears. I knew it was a woman’s voice. My mom, I figured. “Look at me,” she asked. I wiped at my eyes and blinked them open. I turned my head to see that Miss Marna was the one comforting me. “I’m sorry,” I managed to tell to her. She smiled sadly up at me. “You loved my baby didn’t you?” I nodded. “Then take good care of her.”

  I looked into her brown eyes and I was reminded of Elaine’s eyes. Sorrow started flooding over me and I glanced back at the coffin lowering and the inscription on the grave marker. Marna Elaine Roberts, it now read. I gaped at it confused. Then I felt the grip on my arm tighten. I glance over and it is Elaine, crying and hanging on to me. It’s really Miss Marna’s funeral and Elaine needs me and I’m right there for her. Tears are streaming down her face as she looks up at me and she’s still beautiful. Her eyes are brown jewels and her lips are achingly soft. I take Elaine’s warm hand and remove it from my arm so that I can hug her to me. She buries her face into my neck and grips the sides of my jacket with her hands and I hold her close like I always wanted to. I woke up from that dream with the warm sensation of her against me lingering. I got to work that morning in a daze and delivered the mail as usual to all the departments.

  The next day I went to work, and as I was sorting the mail I came across a large envelope addressed to Manny from Pasadena, California; from California Institute of Technology. I am smart enough to put two and two together. Manny was still interested in Caltech and he wanted to keep it a secret. Otherwise he’d have his mail come to the house. A dangerous idea began to form.

  For a few days I struggled with my idea. If I went to Manny with it, then wasn’t that breaking my promise to Miss Marna? The one about minding my business and staying out of her family’s life? But there is no such thing as coincidences. Using every scrap of courage I could find I talked to Manny on his lunch break. The whole time I was talking I was thinking I shouldn’t be doing this, something bad will come of this. But the dream…So I asked him, “What’s Elaine’s middle name?” He told me it was Frankie, after her uncle, and I almost hugged the guy. How could my own mind possibly make Elaine’s accurate full name appear on the headstone in my dream when I hadn’t known her middle name before? It was no dream, it was a message straight from Miss Marna. It was permission. I kept the dream to myself as Manny and I came to an arrangement and actually became good friends in the process. We would work together and complete our supreme task by August. We didn’t have any longer than that.

  It’s May now. The August deadline is three months away. Both of us are feeling the pressure. That’s why we argue so much. We’re just always trying to twist one another’s head on straight and encourage each other. I told Manny I was curious to know what Elaine was writing now-a-days. The next thing I knew he was sneaking Elaine’s journal to me. I fear for his life and mine if she ever finds out. I love every little story she writes, every little blurb, and knew my favorite lines by heart. Lines like, “The crowd cheered proudly, but he cried bloodied tears knowing the stained axe had ricocheted to cut away his innocence,” and “Who can love you, if your horror is your own freckled marrow?” and “The meanest souls were angriest with themselves.” It felt likethis is so sappylike Elaine had her hand right over my heart as she was writing and penned my heartbeat onto the page. Mostly she wrote fantasy which is a genre I would normally walk right past in a bookstore. Her writing cured me of that aversion.

  I learned some interesting facts talking to Manny. Sometimes he told me more than he should have. For instance, the fact that Elaine is still a virgin sort of slipped out of his mouth one day. I just saw Elaine as more perfect and I was a tad less disgusted with Raul. Don’t get me wrong. I was spittin’ mad when our team lost to his, but I committed significantly less misconduct during the game once I knew that. Easing up on Raul only lasted a week or so because then I found out he’d said he wanted to marry her! No way would she leave him if she truly thought they were getting married! That’s what almost every girl wants: A wedding day. Then I found out he hadn’t become some upstanding gentleman defending Elaine’s honor. He was cheating on her and she was allowing it! I made it my duty to bruise the guy’s shins whenever possible.

  Manny had my back, Elaine despised me, and Raul was with her: The good, the bad, and the ugly.

  I roll all the way over in bed, onto my stomach, and rest my chin onto my fist.

  I never thought Elaine would leave Raul in time. My wish has come true. Now what? I need to remind myself of why I was fighting, why I need to stay focused and not trip myself up. I reach out my hand and click on the lamp, then pull out my journal from between my mattresses. I find a pen lying around, scribble the date on the next available page and write my first poem in two years. It said all the things I hope to say to her one day.

  5/21/2011

  So many little things about you

  They add up to one big thing

  That pushes the smile out from behind my heart.

  Used to be that big thing about you

  Made me feel small, like

  My offering would never be enough

  For a girl like you, as beautiful as you.

  And that my problems I tried to make little

  Would always be too big of a thing

  To burden you with. Day after day

  I tried not to think of him with you.

  I held a lot back, trying to do the right thing

  By letting him reveal himself to you.

  It’s crazy, trying hard not to disappoint you

  Knowing you misunderstand and even

  Despise me anyways. All because

  I’m holding out for the day when I say it all to you,

  And you can look back and see I always,

  Will always, think of you first.

  So many times I tried to forget you and never could.

  At last I see why I never quite gave up.

  Yesterday you saw the truth and left that person

  Who hurt you. Damn him, I knew he would.

  I can step in now, I have another chance.

  So you can learn all the
little things about me

  And maybe you’d love them like I love you

  And I’d never have to hide anything

  because my heart would be so full

  Nothing could hide behind it.

  ******

  “God in heaven, you are light, you are love, and you are forgiveness. I am unable to forgive myself so I ask for Your mercy. I’m not asking You to spare me any punishment. Let Your will be done. I pray that You have mercy on my family. May Joey have good health and my dad and my sister be kept safe in Your arms, God. They need You more than I do. They are living every day in the face of my consequences while I sit here sheltered from the sight of the pain I’ve caused, from their disappointed faces, from the sight of Joey laying in a hospital bed, from the hurt in his mother’s eyes. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I want to change it so badly. I want to go back and change it, but all I can do is pray. Give peace to my fitful mind. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

  “Mom, if you can hear me up in heaven, I miss you every day and I hope you can forgive me, too. When you left I was supposed to use those lessons of kindness, respect, and restraint that you raised me with to be the man of the house. I fell and pulled the family down with me. I knew better. Like you always said, ‘If you know better, then do better.’ Momma, Joey told me you were one of the strongest people he’s ever known. I hope I can find half the strength inside me that you had.”

  ******

  “Let me bring that over for you. You don’t need to maneuver through this field.” I smile up at Elaine as she stands on the steps at her back door with a bag of Doritos and a six pack in her hands. I can’t tell if my breathing is weird because I’d just been running or if I’m being dorky and excited to see her. She’s wearing her well-fitting jeans and a shirt with a vest over it and her glasses on and her hair up in a bun like she’s done for the four and a half years I’ve known her and I’ve never been bored with her wardrobe. Although, I wouldn’t mind if she let her hair down. I’ve always wondered how it would frame her face, fall across her cheek, brush against her neck.

  “Thanks. I thought you guys might be thirsty or something. So…here you go.” She holds the thoughtful provisions out to me.

  “We appreciate it, Laney.” As I take the chips and beer from her hands, my fingers brush against hers. “See you later.” I smile then spin around and start jogging back to the makeshift firing range that Manny and I have set up. A small laugh pops out of my mouth as I head towards Manny, careful to hop over the rocks hidden in the grass. She didn’t correct me for being familiar and using her nickname, Laney, and that makes me feel so freakin’ hopeful I contemplate running back towards her.

  Then Elaine is standing over me and her hair is down. I must be dreaming. Now I don’t have to wait until she comes out of her shell to see what her hair would look like down. It’s soft, jet black and shiny and it falls past her shoulders. It’s just how I imagined it would be. Yeah, since it is my dream it would look the way I want it to. I don’t want Elaine to be sad in this dream. I want her to be happy. She looks scared and she won’t look me in the eye. Please smile at me Dream Elaine.

  What kind of lousy dream is this?

  “Elaine?” Her eyes meet mine and they are big, brown and watery behind her glasses.

  I want to wake up now. I don’t like this.

  I hear the all too familiar sound of my mother’s crying. I quickly turn my head to find my mom standing on the right side of my bed. I feel a shooting pain in my head from the motion of turning it, like I’ve been under a jackhammer. I feel her squeezing my hand. I want to wake up now, but I feel my heart trying to beat out of my chest. I feel the throbbing ache in my skull, Mom squeezing my hand and crying, so many pairs of eyes on me, a man in a white coat, he’s a doctor, and those are nurses, and this is a hospital bed, I’m awake, I’m in the hospital, there’s something really wrong, Elaine is crying. God…

  “Joseph, baby. Just take a deep breath.”

  I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I don’t want to see. I don’t want to feel. I hear Elaine’s voice“Joey?”and in a matter of seconds I’ve pushed everything down. I open my eyes to focus on her. I am trying to ignore the fact that my whole body feels foreign to me. Elaine is going to ask me something. She needs me. I can hear it her voice. I’m good at being useful. It’s my one strength.

  “Manny is in jail.”

  He’s been arrested? What for? He’s Mahatma Gandhi compared to a lot of guys. He doesn’t look for trouble. Trouble must have come to him. Maybe Raul came back to start something because Manny told Elaine what he’d said.

  “Raul showed up didn’t he?”

  “Well, yes.”

  I should have mopped the floor with him at that convenience store.

  “Joey, I wanted to know if you would give the police your statement. If you told them this was an accident, Manny could come home,” her voice shakes.

  “Of course I will.” Her wet eyes widen a little before she gives me a big smile. Why is she shocked? Did she really think that I’m so mean I wouldn’t help get her brother out of jail? I hope she doesn’t think that now. Even though my head is killing me and I feel woozy, I want to sit up, but my arms start trembling when I try to. They’re trembling so badly I can’t push my upper body up from the bed. I give up and lay back down. My leg muscles feel stiff and painful. I’m itching to stretch them out but I’m too tired to do more than shift them around under the covers.

  “You’re okay? You can move your legs and your arms?” Mom says excitedly.

  I nod. “A little. I just feel tired, Mom.” She surprises me with happy wet kisses all over my cheek and then kisses my hand on top of that. I’m worried at how ecstatic she is over the fact I can move my arms and legsWhat happened to me?and embarrassed over her display of affection. I glance at Elaine who gives me a shy smile, then at the doctor and nurses who simply stare, and then bring my attention back to my mother. “Mom,” I complain.

  “Just because your girlfriend’s standing here, now you’re ashamed of your Momma’s kisses?”

  “Girlfriend?” Elaine looks just as shocked at my mom as I am. I feel my cheeks get hot. “Mom, don’t say that. You’re embarrassing her now.”

  “Hey, I should be the one angry with you. Don’t you know that I love you and you can tell me anything? I thought you told me everything,” she says sad-eyed.

  “I do, Mom. You know I always try to talk to you first.” I squeeze her hand.

  “You’ve been dating this young lady for months and didn’t utter a word to me about it Joey. Why?”

  Is she crazy or am I? And Elaine isn’t protesting. She’s quietly chewing on her bottom lip and looking down at her hands.

  “Maybe you don’t remember. The doctor said that could happen.”

  “I don’t remember?” I say skeptically. I remember a few months ago very clearly. I might not remember how and why I’m in a hospital bed right now, but I know Elaine is not my girlfriend. Unfortunately. How cruel would that be if we’d been dating and I couldn’t remember our first date or our first kiss? “No. I’d remember something like”

  “Maybe I can jog his memory, Miss Kinsley.”

  Elaine gazes into me. Her brown eyes silently convey she needs my help and unintentionally tell me she’s afraid. What else do you want from me, Elaine? I’ll give you everything. Whoa, what is she doing? She’s moving her face closer to mine. Is she gonna kiss me? I want her to, but my mouth feels disgusting right now. When did she get that scar on her lip?

  This is an alternate reality. Nothing makes sense, everyone is similar, but with different hairstyles and scars and she wants to kiss me when she couldn’t stand me before. We were dating for months. I can’t remember any of it. I want to remember. She’s leaning over the railing of the bed. Now she’s inches away. She glances at my mouth and my heart races, but then her eyes trail over to the side of my face. Maybe she’ll give me a peck on the cheek. Her face is beside mine, her
cheek an inch from mine. I can’t see her eyes anymore, but the side of her neck is near and I can see the sweet brown skin. I can’t think at all when I finally feel her warm breath at my ear. I close my eyes as her voice whispers to me, “I need you to play along. Pretend we’ve been dating. Please. I’ll explain later.”

  Happy? Hurt? I don’t know which I feel the most. I know I feel both. I guess there’s always some hurt on the way to happiness. I was right. We aren’t dating, but we have to pretend we are. A voice inside me says dreaming or playing pretend would be the only way Elaine would get close to me. Another part of me says this is an opportunity. She needs me for something and this something includes me being her boyfriend for a while, so if I have any common sense at all I shouldn’t complain. I feel cold air at my cheek and open my eyes to see Elaine standing over the bed. She’s nervous waiting for my reaction. I know that if she was sitting down right now her knee would be bouncing up and down like crazy. I know that. But she doesn’t know me. This may be my only chance for her to get to know me. I smile up at her. “Yes. I remember us.”