Arizona Allspice

by Lewin, Renee

  The wind rushes past my face and whistles in my ears as it blows through the hollows of my hoop earrings. Shrubs and trees take on ominous forms in the darkness. Displaced stones scattered along the trail dig into my boots as I run. The trail is faster than taking the street. I run with my hands clenched tight until Raul’s trailer comes into view and I halt in the shadows. I hold my breath so that all I hear is the buzzing of the yellow light bulb that shines above their front door. As if surrendering to the power of my will, the light blinks off. Someone in the house has decided to call it a night. I will them to go straight to their room and fall asleep immediately.

  I wait a few minutes to be safe and then I walk towards the direction of Raul’s bedroom window. Half way there I see movement in a lawn chair under the awning. I freeze and search the dark with wide eyes. My eyes are playing tricks on me. Nothing is there. I step quickly to the end of the trailer. I wipe the drying tears from my face with the back of my fists. I tap on his window with my knuckles, five times in quick succession.

  “Raul!” I say a bit too loudly when the curtains part and his face appears. He smiles and then pushes the window up and open. “Raul,” I whisper, “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you call me?” My whole body is trembling.

  He shakes his head, not knowing how to answer. His jet black hair is messy atop his head and his dark brown eyes aren’t the same as I remember, not as soft.

  “Here.” I empty the contents of my hands into his. He eyes the steel rings in his hand blankly. “I don’t know. I don’t know why I brought those. I just want to help you.”

  He jangles the rings around in his hand. “I won’t need these.” The rings glint in the faint light of the half moon. “I’ve been sleeping with abuelo’s gun under my pillow.”

  Tears burst from my eyes. “No, Raul, no. I don’t want another person I care about locked up. I’m begging you. Don’t kill your father. Don’t throw your whole life away.”

  “I won’t have to do anything with it if I can get Mateo and I out of here like I planned.”

  “You can come stay with me.”

  “That’s not far enough, Elaine.”

  “You’re right.” I shift my weight nervously from foot to foot. “What did you have in mind?”

  “I’ve got this aunt upstate. It’s his sister. She knows he’s worthless. I’m going to take the Greyhound bus there and I’m taking my brother and I don’t care what happens to my mom anymore. I need to get it through my head that she don’t care about us so why should I worry ‘bout her? He might turn on her when he finds out we’re gone.” He slips a ring on his finger and then slips it back off. “But all I can do is hope she survives it.”

  “How are you getting to the station?”

  “Marisol might be able to work something out.”

  “Might?” I ask alarmed. He asked Marisol for help and all he got was a maybe? “Forget that. I’m giving you a one hundred percent guarantee right now that I’ll be here to take you and Teo wherever you need to go, whenever you need to go.” He nods slowly. His messy hair falls all over his forehead and I fight the urge to fix it, to run my hands through it like I always did. “I don’t want you staying here any longer, Raul.” My voice breaks. “I don’t want anyone to get hurt.” Raul reaches out of the window and cups my face in his hands.

  “No one will get hurt. I promise I’ll be careful.”

  “When can you leave?”

  “I still have arrangements to make. I’ll call you when we’re ready.”

  “But how will you call me without him knowing? I called and he answered.”

  “I’ll find a way to tell you.” We gaze at each other. Our eyes mirror the other’s concern. Raul leans forward across the window sill. I meet him half way. In the middle we rest our foreheads together and I shut my eyes.

  “I’m scared,” I confess.

  “Don’t be. Murciélagita, you’ve always been able to fly me right out of this place.”

  Somehow I found my way back home through the sinister night.

  ******

  I woke up this morning yearning for my ex-boyfriend. I’m having second thoughts about breaking up with him and I don’t know where this is coming from. Not from a place of reason, obviously. Since morning all I’ve been able to think about is him.

  My thoughts were becoming extremely annoying. If anything, Joey is distracting. I adjust my maroon corduroy vest as I walk towards Joey’s house which is near the heart of the development. I’m not wearing a shirt under the vest. It’s too hot. The time being 3 P.M., the Arizona sun is beating down full force. I didn’t want to call and ask Joey if I could come over because that would make me look pathetic. I figured I’d just drop by unannounced and say I was taking a walk and decided to check on him. I arrived at the door and turned the doorknob. It was unlocked so I walked right in like I usually do if I come pick him up to go to therapy. But today was Saturday. He had no therapy today. It wasn’t a normal Take Joey to Canyon Outpatient day so I shouldn’t have followed my usual routine. Otherwise, I would never have stepped into the house just in time to see Amelia and my uncle locking lips in the kitchen.

  I almost trip over my own jaw on the floor as I watch my uncle and Joey’s mother kissing so intensely they hadn’t heard me walk into the house. My legs begin moving backwards. Maybe I can sneak back out of the house without them seeing me. Then my cell phone rings. All three of us jump and stare at each other flabbergasted. The only sound is the loud chiming of my phone which I am too stupefied to turn off.

  “Um, what are you doing here, Elaine?” Uncle Franks asks.

  “I was, I was looking for Joey. I’m so sorry. Oh gosh. I’m sorry Miss Amelia. I just walked right into your house. I’m so stupid. I’m really sorry.”

  “You don’t have to apologize, Elaine. We should have been more careful,” Joey’s mom assures me. My phone keeps ringing in my back pocket.

  “I’ll just leave you two…” I trail off and start heading to the door.

  “Wait,” Miss Amelia calls.

  “Yes?”

  “Joey’s at the field. Please don’t tell him about this. I know him. He can’t take this kind of news right now.”

  “Of course. Okay. Bye.” I quickly step out the door and bound down the front steps. My phone is still chiming. I pull my cell phone from my back pocket. It’s Joey. Does he have impeccable timing or what? My shoulders slump with the weight of this additional secret.

  “Hello?” I answer, trying to sound upbeat and normal.

  “Um, hi, it’s Joey. Are you okay? You sound…tired.”

  He can still hear it in my voice? “I’m fine. I’m just worried about a friend of mine. What are you doing at the soccer field? You’re not supposed to be doing anything soccer related. Remember?”

  “How did you know I was at the soccer field?”

  “Your mom told me.”

  “Well, it’s my body. I know what it can handle and what it can’t handle.”

  “Tell me you didn’t try to do one of your awesome overhead kicks or something.”

  “No. I sat morosely in the grass and watched the lucky people play.”

  I frown. “Good.”

  “What’s going on? Are you having secret conversations with my mother?”

  I respond with a tired laugh because it’s true. “Why the phone call?”

  “I was walking home and I thought I’d drop by. Your truck is here so I thought you were home. But you weren’t. So I declared I would wait for you forever. But after two minutes I got annoyed. So I’m calling to complain.”

  I smile. “Uh huh. Sorry, but you’ll have to wait two more minutes. Bye.”

  “I will not!” Joey huffs. I hang up and stick the phone in my pocket. When I reach the house Joey is sitting on the front step wearing a baby blue soccer shirt and black soccer shorts, tapping his foot impatiently. He sees me and his foot stops moving. I pause because of the look he’s giving me. I laugh it off and start walking towards him again.
His eyes keep falling onto my bare shoulders.

  “How have you been feeling?”

  “How have I been feeling?”

  “Since the panic attack and all.”

  “Oh.” He chews on his bottom lip. “Yeah, I’m good. Thanks.”

  “You walked from your house to the soccer field and then back to my house all by yourself?”

  “Yep.”

  “Cool. You want to go for a walk with me?”

  Joey looks down at his legs. “Remember that whole ‘I know my body and what it can and can’t handle’ schpeel?” He raises his eyes. “I can’t walk too much farther today.”

  I nod and swipe my moist brow with the back of my hand. “It’s really hot out anyway.”

  “We could go somewhere shady like around the lake, if you don’t mind driving down there.”

  “No, I don’t mind. I love Amo Lake. Let’s go.” I hold my hand out. He grips it with a grin and I help pull him up from the steps. I walk and he limps to the truck and I drive us to Amo Lake.

  I swear the temperature is always perfect at the lake. I inhale the refreshing breeze as the green grass tickles my palms. Joey sits next to me in the grass. Framed by a clear blue sky, Joey’s blue eyes shine with a surreal light. His red hair lies close to his head since it is still short, but it gets wavier every day.

  “Who’s the friend?” He stretches his long sun kissed legs out in the lime green grass.

  “Hmm?”

  “The friend you said you were worried about.”

  I can’t say it was him I had been concerned about so I tell him the friend is Raul. My mind keeps looping back to him and if I talk to someone about it I could get some peace of mind. I don’t really have any other friends besides Raul, so really I had no choice but to name him. I hug my knees to my chest as Joey acknowledges the lake with a long pensive gaze.

  “I don’t mean to sound impolite or critical, but I never understood why you dated Raul for so long.”

  I want to yell at Joey. I want to defend Raul however I can. It hurts to hear the way Joey snorts out his name. However, why I stayed with Raul so long is something I need to face. If I don’t understand why I stayed, what’s to stop it from happening again with someone else? I take a deep breath of the lakeside air. Joey speaks again.

  “I know you never slept with Raul, or anyone, so what is it that made him so appealing?”

  “How do you knHow do you even know that?” I sputter as my throat constricts with embarrassment. “What are you? A stalker or something?!”

  Joey’s face turns visibly pale and his eyes widen. “I just, it just came up in conversation one day when I was talking to your brother. Manny told me. I’m sorry. I should’ve…Sorry.”

  I wrap my arms around my legs and bury my face into my knees. Manny told him? You can’t just tell a friend all your business and your family’s business if you’ve only known them for six months! Manny is too trusting and too open. I’m going to beat him up the next time I see him. I lift my head from my knees. Apparently Joey had been staring at me the whole time, wondering if I was crying or not. I’m not. When I look up he looks away. I hurt his feelings pretty bad. I know he worried about it and felt weird about it; about admiring me from afar for so long. I was angry that he knew my personal information so I lashed out. But that’s who I am. I’m a hurtful person and he needs to know that to move on.

  “You don’t need to be sorry. It’s Manny who needs to keep his mouth shut. Hey,” I say to get him to look at me. “I want you to ask me those questions because I’m truly trying to learn from my mistakes.”

  He massages the nape of his neck. He lets the hand fall back into the grass and watches a bird step from the bank into the water. “Why did you let Raul cheat on you?” he asks carefully.

  “Raul was faithful to me in another way. He told me his secrets, things that no one else knows about him, all his dreams and fears. I was the only one he confided in. I cherished that.”

  “He confided in you because he knew you didn’t have anyone else to tell.” His words needle me. “You’re defensive, closed off, cautious”

  “Are you done listing my flaws?”

  “I didn’t mean it that way,” his voice softens. “You’re honest, too, and smart and modest and he is just not.”

  I chuckle. Honest, smart, and modest? I’m sure he means to say crass, dorky, and repressed.

  “You just don’t understand him,” I shake my head. “I don’t blame you. Not many people do because they don’t know the hell he went through as a kid. I understand him and he understands me, but a lot of the time he doesn’t understand himself.”

  “Is that the excuse he gave you? I don’t understand myself so I can’t be responsible for disrespecting you in every way possible? That’s bull. He used you, Elaine.”

  “It’s my excuse as well. And I used him, too,” I counter. Joey’s eyebrow peaks skeptically. “I wanted to get back at all the people who treated me wrong. Going out with El Capitán of the Park Kids did just that.” I smile remembering the jealousy or surprise on all the Park Kids’ faces when they first saw me on Raul’s arm. “I had him. In a way no one else did. Those girls he slept with thought they were getting the best part of him because, after all, he is attractive. He’s charming, he has a great smile, a nice body”

  “I know what he looks like. Thanks,” Joey grumbles.

  “Anyways, I had the best part of him. I had his heart. He cared about me.”

  Joey rolls his eyes. “I still don’t want you to settle for that.”

  “Besides, I never thought guys were capable of keeping it in their pants. Especially not sports jockeys.”

  He smirks and lazily scratches his chest. “You know what they say about soccer players. Soccer players can do it for 90 minutes, in 11 different positions, without their hands.”

  My mouth falls open. “You are so…!”

  He laughs. “Come on. I’m kidding. I know lots of guys, soccer players included, who can and do, as you say, keep it in their pants.”

  “Can you count them on one hand?”

  “Uh, yes.”

  I snort. “Do they live in this town?”

  “Yes.”

  “Who?”

  “I’m not going to name names. But, I can tell you that I’m one of them.”

  “Wait a minute, wait a minute. When I said ‘keep it in your pants’ I didn’t mean not cheating on your girlfriend. I meant”

  “Never gone all the way. I know.”

  I stare at Joey more confused than surprised. He’s a virgin? He’s never slept with any of the dozens of girls I’ve seen him hang out with? “Why?” I ask dumbly.

  His answer is coarse. “I don’t want to get some girl knocked up. Kids aren’t for me, okay? I’d ruin them.”

  “You’re good with people and you’re high energy. You’d be a great dad.”

  “No. Just thinking about that kind of responsibility makes me nauseated. I couldn’t handle it. I’d probably skip town or something stupid.” He crumples a blade of grass between his fingers and I frown because he thinks he is his father. “Helping my friends is different than helping a child. They’re adults. They have grown up problems. With a baby you have to be, like, gentle. You have to be delicate and patient. I’m a hothead. I don’t have any of those qualities,” he says bluntly.

  “Hmm. Gentle comes easy when you love the little sucker.”

  “You want to have kids someday?”

  “Of course.” I smile.

  He shakes his head. “How can you be so sure?”

  “It’s pretty much the only thing I’m sure of.” I smile sadly.

  “What about you? Why haven’t you?”

  It took me a second to realize he was talking about my virginity. “I had an eye-opening experience when I was a teenager.” Joey gives me a questioning look. I don’t want to elaborate on being sexually assaulted at a party when I was fourteen-years-old. I’m not that weak-minded little girl anymore. No need for an
yone to think I still am. Joey’s cell phone rings, “Excuse me, Laney,” and saves me from revealing any details. As Joey falls back to lie in the grass and smiles and chats with whoever called, I sit cross legged and wallow in the pitiful jealousy I felt the instant he’d answered that phone to talk to someone other than me. Joey’s phone conversation fades into background noise as I focus on the faces of the yellow poppies shuddering in the slight breeze.

  Joey finally flips his cell phone closed. “The girls and some of my players, Niko and Cesar, want to hang out with me in a few minutes. You want to go to Niko’s and chill with us?”