Arizona Allspice

by Lewin, Renee

  “No,” I plainly say. I do not want to spend my Saturday night uncomfortable.

  “Sure?”

  I nod then stand up from the grass and hold my hand out to him. “Let’s go.” I pull him up and we walk towards the truck. “And tell them I said thanks for helping Manny.”

  ******

  I step out of the Firebird and walk up the steps of my trailer balancing a large pizza box in my upturned hand. It was Sunday and Miss Amelia was working this evening at Bartolo’s Pizza Parlor so she gave me a friendly discount because I’m “dating” her son. Or maybe it was hush money. Either way, cheap pizza for me. Uncle Frank took my truck up to Duncan, the nearest city, to secretly buy a new refrigerator for Miss Amelia’s house. He could have just fixed the jiggly door handle on the old one, but he’s a generous man. As I climb my front steps I see something glinting, reflecting the glare of the setting sun. I bend down to pick the object up from the middle of the top step. It is one of Raul’s rings. I thought I’d given all of them back but I must have dropped one as I ran out of the house Friday night. I study the thick metal ring and realize I wasn’t the one who dropped it there. On the outside of the ring, written in black permanent marker reads: 2AM.

  At 9:47 PM, Uncle Frank came home. He whistled and laughed when he saw only half of the pizza left on the kitchen table. He said Miss Amelia got teary eyed over his present. He asked how I was doing. I didn’t tell him what I’d be doing tonight. I told him I was fine. I told him Manny still hadn’t called. He shook his head solemnly and went to bed. At 12:02 I wasn’t fine. Nothing could distract or calm me. What if something happened? How could I do this on my own? I walked three or four times from my bedroom to the bathroom feeling as though I would vomit, but nothing would come up. At 12:50 AM I knew I couldn’t confidently pull this off on my own.

  Joey would know what to do. He could help me.

  “Hey, Laney.” I can hear the smile in his voice.

  “Are you home?” I don’t want to interrupt any fun he’s having.

  “Yeah. Walked in half an hour ago. What’s up?”

  “I know you don’t like Raul, but I need you to help me do a favor for him tonight.”

  “No.”

  “You haven’t even heard what it is,” I say calmly, too shocked to be angry.

  “Elaine, just forget it,” he murmurs. “Don’t expect me to turn around and help the enemy.”

  “Enemy in what?”

  There is a long pause. “Soccer.”

  “That is such a dumb, selfish reason.”

  “Also, you’re my friend and I hate how he treated you.”

  “I appreciate that, but”

  “And I’m sure he can man up and handle it on his own.”

  My eyes sting with tears. He sounds so callous. I know he can get angry, but I thought his big heart preceded that. “Just because he’s not a girl you won’t help him?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying. It’s more than that.”

  “Look,” my words are taut, “He is having some bad dad issues and he and his little brother truly need some help.”

  “You said you didn’t have time for daddy issues,” his voice strains with pent up emotion.

  “When did I say that?” My nervous tension increases with his every word.

  “High school.”

  “Joey, this isn’t ‘Poor me, my daddy wasn’t there’ or ‘Poor me, my stepdad smacked me around’! What Raul is going through is deeper than that!” The tension inside of me releases. My rough breathing echoes into the phone. Then a swarm of guilt enwraps my heart. “Joey, I…” I hadn’t meant to dismiss the trauma Joey went through as a child, but that’s what I’d just done, out of anger. It was so insensitive of me. There is silence on Joey’s end and then suddenly a torrent of words in a voice straining back so much rage I can’t recognize it as it burns my ears.

  “Your dad never laid a hand on you. Never did. And you oughta thank God. Who knows how much more stubborn and self-centered you’d be if he’d really gotten the chance to smack you around. Or maybe if he had you’d be less of a bitch.”

  The line goes dead.

  I was right.

  Friends are fleeting. Learn to make it on your own.

  ******

  I slam my cell phone into the headboard and the pieces explode onto the bed and floor. “What is wrong with me!” I growl from the deepest darkest part of me. I want to scream it until I have no voice to hurt anyone with, but Mom is asleep in the next room. I sit at the edge of the bed with my head in my hands. I shut my eyes and my fingers curl to pull hard on my hair. The hair is too short for me to grip it as firmly as I want to. It does not hurt me enough. I love her. How could I have called her that? “Manny, Miss Marna, I cannot do this. I’m not right for her. I’m not right.”

  An hour passes with me lying awake in bed, shivering above the covers and staring into the dark. Shame won’t let me sleep. I can’t face her after this. I’ll have to tell Mom why Elaine won’t be taking me to therapy anymore. The shame multiplies and grows and grows. I turn onto my side as my heart beats out of my chest. I brace myself for another panic attack. It never comes. I close my eyes and try to come to terms with the finality of this. It’s over. I hear a yelp of a strange animal outside. I open my solemn eyes to the darkness and listen. It sounds close by. Not right outside our trailer, maybe up the street. I hear it again, but it’s talking. It’s begging no, no, no.

  ******

  Mateo moves his little legs as fast as he can with his full backpack weighing down on him. He grips our hands as we hurry to the truck. I glance down at Teo as we run. He is such a sweet kid. Tears are streaming down his round face, but he doesn’t sob because he knows he must be quiet. We arrive at the truck and I pull the back door open. Raul lifts his little brother up by holding him under the arms and places him onto the back seat.

  “Don’t cry, Teo. We have to be happy. We’re going someplace safe and fun and you’ll get to play with all your cousins.” Teo nods. Raul wipes Teo’s face dry with the sleeve of his hoodie.

  “Let’s go,” I whisper nervously.

  Raul softly closes the door. I get into the driver’s side and Raul walks around to the passenger side. He opens the door and stops. “Wait. I forgot something. I’ll be right back.” Raul jogs back towards the trailer. I step back out of the truck and lean against the bed. As the seconds pass I grow more nervous. Through the window I give a reassuring smile to Teo. “It’s gonna be okay. I pr” My words are cut short at the sound of a door slamming. My eyes grow wide as Raul bounds out of the house, his monstrous father following close behind him. Raul is a great runner. He can make it, I chant in my head. The larger man grabs for Raul. He catches the hoodie of Raul’s jacket and yanks it towards him. Raul goes tumbling backwards onto the dirt road with a grunt.

  “No! No! No!” I cry. Teo begins to wail as his hazel eyes take in the scene through the back window of the F-150. Raul hops up from the ground as fast as he can with an aching back and with hands burning from digging into hard dirt and pebbles. He gets forward two steps before his father lunges forward, toppling Raul back to the ground and landing on top of him. Raul yells out in pain as his arms are crushed underneath his and Mr. Campos’ weight.

  “Please! Please! Let me go!” Raul pleads.

  “You thought you were going somewhere, huh? Thought you were leaving, maricón?!” He spits. The man knees him in the ribs as he straddles him and Raul cries out. I see the curtains move in a window of the trailer. Mrs. Campos is watching! She’s got to tell her husband to stop! Not giving up, Raul tries to wriggle free from the man on top of him, trying to pull himself along the ground with his fists. The man looks down at his son beneath him with an amused grin then pushes the boy’s cheek into the dusty soil. “You don’t get it, hijo. You’re not going nowhere. You’re mine. Did you forget?” Mr. Campos leans his pockmarked face down until his lips are at Raul’s ear. He begins to whisper things that I can’t hear, but my own ears burn w
ith vicarious humiliation. Raul’s body goes stiff. He stops fighting.

  “Raul?” I call out to him. I watch horrified as Raul begins to sob. His fallen tears mix with the dusty earth. “Raul!” I sprint towards them. I punch the man repeatedly in the shoulder, in the neck, anywhere. “You monster!” I scream. My fists bounce from the taut muscle of Mr. Campos’ back and he continues to whisper harshly into Raul’s ear. “Shut up! Shut up!” I shriek. Mr. Campos takes notice once I kick him hard in the thigh with my steel-toed boot.

  Mr. Campos grimaces then slowly raises his soulless eyes. I freeze in fear as I watch him elevate himself off of Raul. Almost frozen with fear, I shuffle backwards as he begins to stand. He lifts his hand to smack me then he flinches. Confusion narrows his eyes and then he clutches his left shoulder. He stares at his own blood on his fingers.

  “Don’t move,” Joey says firmly as he walks out of the shadows. Without taking his eye off the sight on the BB gun, he steps closer to the three of us. His hair is rustled and his feet are bare. Raul staggers to his feet and limps to the truck to comfort his little brother who is still wailing. Mr. Campos and I are standing only two feet apart. “If you step any closer to her I will shoot your freakin’ eye out.”

  Mr. Campos snorts. “Tell this black bitch to”

  Joey pumps the gun and fires.

  “AH! DAMMIT!” The man clutches his face. He removes his hand and squints and blinks his right eye. The bb pierced the skin in the fold of his eyelid. Blood trickles down into his eye, blinding him. “My eye!”

  “Just another dent in your ugly face,” Joey spits and rests the gun over his shoulder. “If you complain to the cops about me, I’ll make sure you get drug tested and thrown back into the pen. I saw you score some pot this afternoon. J.T. is my next door neighbor.” The man scowls defiantly and clutches his bloody throbbing eye. I finally come to my senses and walk to stand very close beside Joey. He gingerly circles his palm on the back of my tense shoulders and presses me closer to him. “Are you okay?” I can only nod as he searches my face with deep concern.

  “Your hand is shaking,” Mr. Campos cackles with his injured eye squinted closed. “You scared? I know you’re ho is.”

  Joey clenches his left hand closed to stop the tremor he has dealt with since the accident. He steps away from me and starts moving towards the man twice his size. “You wanna find out the meaning of ‘shaken’? You slimy piece of”

  My stomach jumps. I grab for Joey’s arm. “Come on,” I plead and tug on his arm. His eyes still burning holes into the man’s face, he very reluctantly returns with me to the truck.

  Mrs. Campos finally comes out of the house. “Baby!” She comes to her husband’s aid as Joey and I hop into the truck. Raul is in the back seat hugging Teo close to him. I speed out of the park.

  “Where’s the gun?”

  “On the floor by my feet.”

  “Not you, Joey. Raul.”

  “Story of my life,” Joey grumbles. I hear him and swallow.

  Raul eyes the back of Joey’s head curiously. “I left the gun where my mom could find it. That’s why I went back into the house. I don’t have to feel guilty about leaving knowing he’ll need to take his anger out on someone. She can protect herself.”

  ******

  We reach the bus station. Raul, Mateo and Elaine step out of the truck, leaving me inside. I watch as Elaine gives Mateo a hug and kiss goodbye as she stands in front of the ticket booth. Then she smiles at Raul. He takes her hand and kisses the top of it. He says something and she nods. Then he steps closer and kisses her. She doesn’t pull away. My stomach drops at the sight. Elaine hugs the two once more and walks back to the truck. As she nears it her eyes meet mine through the windshield and quickly spring away. She gets into the truck and buckles her seatbelt. She starts the engine.

  “I might not ever see those two again, you know?” Elaine explains her actions. I say nothing. She pulls out of the parking lot and begins the thirty minute drive home. Finally, she parks in front of my house. I wordlessly depart from the truck. Elaine hops out of the truck and follows me. “Hey.” Elaine calls softly. I turn. I meet her eyes for only a second and then look down at the gun. The gun stands beside me like a cane under my hand. Elaine studies my face in the glow of the porch light. She steps forward, the length of her body almost touches mine, and slowly she presses her lips to my cheek. She pulls away. My eyes lock in on her brown eyes and both of us know that all is forgiven. Silent apologies are exchanged with the glance and there is mutual absolution.

  “Thanks,” she says gently. She looks down at her shoes, then turns and returns to her truck.

  “Thanks,” I breathe as I watch her truck rumble away.

  ELEVEN

  I hadn’t meant to pull the trigger. In the heat of the moment I pulled it twice. Maybe he got what he deserved, but I took that justice into my own hands. My soiled hands. I’ve physically abused the girl I care so much about. I’ve shot a man and gladly watched him bleed. I attacked my stepfather and I would have been glad to watch him take his last breath. All these things I am capable of.

  Does she know by now how I feel about her? After the stupid thing I said in the car about her choosing Raul over me, maybe she figured it out. Or after the disgusting things I said to her on the phone, maybe she won’t ever imagine love as a possibility.

  ******

  “Hey!” I beam and wrap my arms snuggly around Joey’s torso. I pull away and he looks at me stunned. “You ready to go?” I ask. He runs a hand over his lengthening red hair and nods. I had expected at least a smile back, but he remains pensive as we get into the truck. “Joey? Are you okay? I’ve never met a person who frowns when I hug ‘em.” I get a quick smile out of him. No verbal response. My loud thoughts fill the uncomfortable silence of the trip to Canyon Outpatient. Was he embarrassed about what he’d said to me last night in retaliation? Was he hurt because he’d watched the farewell kiss shared between Raul and me? He was so selfless last night. He shouldn’t feel guilty, ashamed or unworthy.

  “Whatever you’re thinking, about me or about you, I want you to know that you’re wrong,” I blurt out before he walks into Mr. Gerard’s therapy room. He shakes his head, never lifting his eyes to look at me, and opens his mouth to speak, but I won’t allow him to protest. “Whatever you’re worried about, the thought is not warranted.” Guarded, he lifts his chin and meets my eyes. His pink lips move slightly into an incalculable expression. Maybe he’s amused because I’m totally misinterpreting him. “Last night, I couldn’t have done it without you. I owe you,” I add.

  “For what?”

  I study his furrowed brow. My own expression mimics his. “That was you outside Raul’s house last night, wasn’t it? You’re acting as if it was somebody else that saved me from that monster. You saved me, Joey. That means a lot to me. Apparently that wasn’t such a big deal for you. I don’t know, I guess you do that kind of thing all the time and you’re used to it by now.” I shrug. “Maybe I’m just another case like all the other girls.” Joey’s jaw clenches but his eyes soften. “But that doesn’t make it meaningless. Not for me, and it shouldn’t mean so little to you. You should be proud of yourself. You should be…good to yourself.”

  Joey rubs his mouth with his fingers. His hand falls from his face. “I don’t know how to do that.”

  “I have a suggestion.” I smile conspiratorially.

  “What?” he asks with a slow smile.

  “Ice cream.”

  ******

  “This Thursday is visiting day at the county jail.” A spoon laden with strawberry cheesecake ice cream passes her lips into her waiting mouth. She pulls the spoon out clean and swallows the cold dessert. “It’s the only time anyone will get to see him while he’s in jail and they’ll only allow two visitors. Can you believe that?”

  I shake my head. I cannot imagine how hard it is for Manny to be isolated, away from his family. “How is he handling all of this? Does he seem okay?” I take a mouthful of
my own chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

  Elaine looks down into her half empty carton. “He hasn’t called.”

  Then my mother walks into the house. “Hey ya’ll!”

  “Hi, Miss Amelia.”

  “You’re home early,” I say. She walks over to our dining room table, the family table that seats only two, where Elaine and I are seated.

  “You know Mr. Bartolo and his wife just added a baby boy to their family. Well, the baby’s running a high fever and Mrs. Bartolo rushed him to see a doctor. Mr. Bartolo closed the shop to go with her and make sure his little boy is okay. I could have run the shop myself, all the years I’ve worked there, but his shop is his baby, too. He won’t let it out of his sight.”

  “Mr. Bartolo is sexist, Mom. That’s why he won’t let you fill in for him.”

  “No he’s not,” she dismisses. “He’s just really protective of the things that he loves. Sound familiar?” she smiles knowingly. I narrow my eyes at her for only a second and then have to laugh because she’s right, as always. I talked to her this morning about the confrontation I had last night with Raul’s father. I left out the part about disrespecting Elaine prior to that. My mother and I glance at Elaine. She gives us each a fleeting smile and returns to playing with her melting ice cream. “I think I’ll take advantage of this small vacation I’ve been given. I’m gonna go for a walk. How about you guys?”