Arizona Allspice

by Lewin, Renee

  She stands up straight, unaware she’d given me quite a view. “Okay,” she exhales nervously. I, too, exhale. “Let’s go see my brother.”

  Today is Thursday, May 17. It’s the day of our first and last chance to visit Manny while he’s locked up.

  “Bye, guys. Don’t look so worried, Laney,” Mr. Merjoy says.

  “Bye, Babies. Be careful,” my mother adds as she stands at Frank’s side.

  Frank had insisted that I should be one of the two people to visit Manny. He looked hurt when I asked if I could take his spot. He almost made me feel guilty. He said, “Of course you should go. I didn’t imagine it any other way.” He was sucking up to me, I guess. I’m sure my mom has made it clear to him I haven’t given their relationship my blessing. I don’t trust Frank Merjoy and I doubt I ever will.

  “Why are you so nervous? I promise nothing’s going to happen to you,” I assure Elaine as we get into her truck.

  “I’m not worried about my safety. It’s seeing him in that place. It’ll be hard for me to really see where Manny’s been sleeping every night. I’ll have all these images in my head to feed my worries. I need to see my brother, but I don’t want to see him this way. Does that make sense, or am I being silly?”

  “I understand completely,” I say with a frown.

  Elaine is even more uneasy once we arrive at the Pima County Jail. She admits to me that the outside of the building reminds her of the Palo Verde Mental Hospital. I don’t know what to say to comfort her. I’m freaked out as well. Inside, the officer leads us through several sturdy doors with electromagnetic locks and into a holding room where we are seated with other people waiting to visit their loved ones.

  “I think you should go first,” Elaine says as she clamps her knees together with her hands to stop them from shaking.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Go first and then, um, tell me if he looks okay. I don’t want any surprises, you know? I can’t really handle any surprises.”

  Is it wrong that I want to talk to Manny first? He’s my best friend and I haven’t talked to him at all the last few weeks. Elaine has kept communication with him off and on, but that’s her brother. She should have the privilege of seeing him first. She’s requesting that I go first instead and I don’t know whether agreeing to it would be a self-seeking move. She says it’s what she wants, though.

  “If that’s what you want,” I say, finally. “I won’t take long. I want you to have as much time as possible with Manny.”

  She nods in response and then starts nervously picking at her fingers. It pains me to leave her behind while she’s so distressed.

  When I walk into the visiting room there are twelve rectangular tables set up. I had expected to talk to Manny on the other side of bullet proof glass rather than in such an open area. At each table, an inmate and a visitor are seated, except for the table in the middle. That table has an empty chair on one side and a rugged, smiling Manny sitting on the other. His face, which he usually keeps clean shaven, is peppered with a beard and a trip to a barber would do his baby afro some good. I walk over to his table and sit, wishing I could hug him, but there’s a ‘No Contact’ policy.

  “You look different,” I comment. Manny raises a Black Power fist and we both laugh. I have yet to hear him speak. At first we just grin at each other. Then his smile breaks and he covers his eyes with his hand. He rubs at his eyes with his fingers to stop himself from crying. I manage to keep my eyes relatively dry.

  “You have no idea how good it is to see you walk in here, man. I can’t even tell that… Remember how I used to joke and call you Superman?”

  “Yeah. Of course I do. Manny, I’m sorry you”

  “Don’t even finish that statement. I can’t believe you’re trying to apologize to me. You’re insulting me, man. You make me sick,” he smirks.

  “But I’ve been rehearsing,” I say.

  “Let’s leave it in the past and thank God everyone’s okay and has learned from their mistakes. Let’s talk about the future.”

  “Elaine?”

  “Yes. Elaine. Give me an update.”

  “Okay, so, Elaine knows you let me read her journal.”

  Manny’s eyes widen. “Damn, Joey! Don’t you know how to shut up?”

  “As fate would have it, she read my journal, too. All of it.”

  “Yup. It sucks how that happened,” he shrugs.

  This time my eyes widen. “You knew?!”

  “Kind of, but what exactly was I supposed to do with that info?”

  “I don’t really know.”

  “So, I heard about my uncle and your mom.” He wiggles his eyebrows.

  “No comment.”

  “I see. Uncle Frank is a good dude, though.”

  “Let’s get back to what we were talking about.”

  “But grown folks need love, too.”

  “Dude…” I know he’s joking, but my stomach reacts negatively every time I have to think about my mother and Frank dating. “We don’t have a lot of time to talk so let’s get to the important stuff.”

  “Elaine?”

  “Elaine. She put me in the ‘friend zone’. It’s my fault. I stupidly agreed to it. I know that, technically, being her friend fulfills the plan that you and I have, but”

  “You want more.”

  I nod. There are three possible outcomes for what Manny and I have planned.

  Outcome A: Manny convinces Elaine to move to Cali with him and find a place for their dad to stay. Whether I am in the picture would not matter.

  Outcome B: Elaine refuses to leave Cadence but approves Manny’s choice to leave for college. Manny shoots off to become more of a genius and I take his place at the PiCo factory as well as his place as Elaine’s protector.

  Outcome C: That’s the one where Manny leaves without Elaine’s support, Elaine wants nothing to do with me, and both he and I are left without her.

  “I used to be jealous of you because at least you were friends with Denise,” I confess to Manny. “Now I know what you went through and how you felt. It’s tough. You know the situation and you know Elaine. Tell me what I should stop doing and what I should start doing.”

  “Well, it’s important to remember that she likes you. She just doesn’t know it yet.”

  I bow my head and smile. “I hope so,” I nod.

  Manny chuckles at my bashful reaction. “Elaine can seem so sure and be so stubborn about a decision when in fact she doesn’t really know what she wants. A lot of the time she’ll figure out her reasoning as she argues with you. She doesn’t even realize that she does that. Anyways, the reason she reacts so stubbornly is because she’s scared. So stop feeling like she has the upper hand or that you’re the only one feeling vulnerable.”

  “Okay. Got it.”

  “But don’t start feeling all sorry for her because she’s scared deep down inside. You know that aggression you have out on the soccer field? Use that. Argue with her until she realizes you’re not going to be quiet until you get some answers instead of excuses. Stand your ground. Be aggressive,” he stresses.

  “Be, be aggressive,” we say in unison and laugh.

  “I can’t do that. Not with her,” I shrug. “I can fly off the handle about her reading my journal or keeping secrets, but I can’t argue with her about why she should care about me.”

  Manny exhales loudly. “Well, you go ahead and try it your way. And when that doesn’t work, do it my way. But remember you only have eight weeks to make it work.”

  “I know,” I say as I stare down at the table, feeling stressed out.

  “Hey,” Manny says to get my attention. “You’re the one. You are the guy who’s supposed to be with my sister. I don’t wish anyone else for her. Even though I’ve given you all this advice, don’t think all the work falls on your shoulders. Most of the work needs to be done by Elaine. Trust me. I’ll give her a talking-to.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I love you, bro,” Manny smiles. “See you on
the outside.”

  I swallow the lump in my throat and smile. “You know it, bro.”

  “Is he okay?” Elaine asks once I’m escorted back into the waiting room.

  “He’s beardier than he used to be, but he’s still Manny,” I chuckle.

  She surprises me with a hug before hurrying in to see her brother. When she comes back into the visitor waiting room 45 minutes later, she has tears in her eyes, but a dreamy smile on her lips.

  “How did it go?” I ask, standing up from my chair.

  “The first thing he asked was, ‘Where are your glasses?’” she laughs. “Then we talked about Daddy and Uncle Frank. Then he asked all these stupid questions about you,” she playfully pokes her finger into my shoulder as we exit the correctional facility.

  “Oh really? Like what?”

  “Questions that are too stupid to repeat,” she dismisses.

  Had Manny really asked silly questions? Or were they questions that seemed silly to her? Such as, ‘Does Joey have a chance in hell?’

  “Then I told him he was lucky guards were watching us because I wanted to wring his neck for giving you my journal and telling you my entire life story. Finally, I begged him to call me more often.” She quiets for a while and then giggles at her own thoughts.

  “What?”

  “I got a little emotional when time ran out and then Manny said the weirdest thing. I stood up from that table, crying up a storm and thinking I’d be so miserable missing him every day. He winks at me in the middle of me bawling and says, ‘Have fun,’ with this conspiratorial smirk on his face.”

  “I guess this means you’re going to Cesar’s party with me,” I say. Then, I forget to breathe as she chews on her bottom lip, trying to conceal a mischievous smile.

  ******

  This weekend, something mystical gave me a new awareness of myself. The midnight magic gave everything a satin feel. The sorcerer was the cumbia and salsa music that boomed from the speakers at Cesar’s house party, in his house naked of furniture. Neither awkwardness nor grudges made it past the front door.

  Marisol brought crispy, beef flautas for everyone to eat. God bless her. They were the best I’d ever eaten. Others brought lawn chairs and Coronas. Denise was there and took some pictures of me and Joey, and some of Joey with his buddies.

  So many people talked to me. It was like I was meeting all the kids from the neighborhood for the first time. I had wiped their slates clean of the past and I judged their characters by how they treated me that night. They did the same for me. They joked with me and showed me new dance moves I hadn’t learned. They asked concerned questions about my father and Manny and were interested in what I’d been up to the past couple of years. I got caught up on gossip as I traveled amongst cliques and crews.

  Joey was never far off. We were occasionally separated as we started up conversations with others or danced with different people. Each time that I wondered where Joey had drifted off to, I would look up and meet his eyes across the room. It was like he and I were attached by an invisible thread. All it took were my thoughts to tug on the string and I had his attention instantly.

  I kept myself open and accepting. When I was offered a beer, I took it. When Niko asked me to dance with him, I gave him my hand. I practiced my new dance moves with Niko who passed me over to Claude. He and I got lost in the rhythm of the music until the song changed and Joey asked Claude to cut in. I didn’t hesitate to be Joey’s dance partner. My body tingled at the chance to do so.

  I discovered that Joey is a great dancer. Maybe the footwork he practices for soccer made him a master on the dance floor. I wasn’t surprised by his skill. I keep learning more and more great things about him that I was too stupid to see a month ago. Spanish dance is very fun but also sensual. I tried to keep the movement and distance of our bodies at a PG rating, but little by little Joey pulled me closer to him with his strong arms and his magnetic blue eyes. He spun me around and, realizing my backside would be pressed against him, I turned full circle to face him again. His searing hands would find my hips and I would tactfully shimmy away. He was fire and I was ebony kindling trying earnestly to avoid being consumed as I danced near him. Secretly, I wanted to be consumed.

  I truly wanted to let my body do what the music was calling it to do, but I wanted to preserve our friendship even more. I didn’t want to be a tease. I didn’t want Joey to think less of me afterwards, so I restrained my urge to discover what his body would feel like against mine and what his lips would feel like against mine. The power of the music twisted my admiration of him into something deeper than it was, more passionate than need be.

  Afterwards, we spent the entire weekend together. Saturday morning, Joey cooked a big breakfast for his mother and me. After Miss Amelia left for work, we stayed at his house the rest of the afternoon and entertained ourselves with embarrassing childhood stories, watching funny videos on the Internet and listening to each other’s favorite songs. He introduced me to artists fresh on the scene and I helped him appreciate the oldies. Marisol called me and insisted he and I come over and chill at her house. The three of us joked around and by the end of the night eight more friends, 11 people in total, were in her living room.

  At one point, the girls and I started reminiscing about the boy band we were all in love with when we were in middle school. Denise started singing one of their songs and all the girls joined in, laughing and snapping. Joey, Claude, Cesar and a guy named Jason started pop-locking to the music and trying to serenade us while singing off key. Of course Joey made it a point to send massive amounts of winks and air kisses to all the girls, most of which landed in my direction.

  Early Sunday morning, some of the soccer players were out on the field practicing for games that might not happen for months. All matches have been indefinitely postponed since the day Joey was admitted to the hospital. Still used to his old routine, Joey rose early to head to the field. He stopped by my house and asked me to come along. At the field, I sat down in the damp grass beside him and watched the soccer guys stretch and go through their drills. Joey encouraged his teammates and thanked rival team members for being patient with him.

  I gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. He acknowledged it by tilting his head to press his cheek to my hand and then turning his attention back to the activity on the field. I know he’s felt guilty about holding everyone up and there’s nothing he can do about it; the Bosses are adamant that they’ll wait for their favorite player to make a comeback. The biggest crowds always turned out when Joey was playing. He was the most entertaining player, both because of his talent and because of his explosive personality. I could tell Joey was miserable by the wayside of the action, but he’d be ready to play any day now. He really pushes himself during therapy and he’s not lazy when he gets home. He keeps himself moving whenever possible, even when it hurts.

  “Alvarez!” Joey suddenly shouted. “What are you doing?” he said angrily. Joey began to fiercely lecture one of his team members. I guess his mind went into team captain mode and he began to yell and cuss about the injuries that could have occurred as a result of Alvarez’s decision to show off during practice. As Joey got lost in his little rant, I realized I’d forgotten my hand on his shoulder so I gently removed it. I didn’t expect Joey would notice, but he stopped in the middle of his sentence to look at me the moment I did that.

  “What?” I asked quietly. I felt self-conscious as his bright blue eyes searched mine.

  He shook his head as if to say “Nothing” and turned his gaze back onto the player. “Just be careful next time, alright?” he said much more calmly. I guess I accidently snagged his attention and caused him to rethink his words.

  “Yes, captain.” Alvarez smirked and then saluted Joey like a soldier before going back to his dribbling.

  I laughed and Joey rolled his eyes and allowed himself to smile at the situation. I watched him smile and felt so much hope, love and pride for him. I love him. I love Joey for the caring, giving, funny
person that he is. I can hardly compare our friendship with the one I had with Raul. With Joey I’ve experienced the strongest connection to someone that I’ve ever felt. He’s the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person on my mind when I fall asleep. But that’s because we spend so much time together. I hope I’m not giving Joey mixed messages. I’m not trying to lead him on.