Arizona Allspice

by Lewin, Renee

  It’s natural for the two of us, being of the opposite sex, to flirt once in a while. Sometimes I even have a physical reaction to him hugging me or touching me or his eyes searching my eyes so openly. My stomach does a flip or my heart skips a beat. My skin tingles and surprises me. I’m restless when he’s not around. I guess I’m just really excited because I haven’t had a best friend in so long.

  I dismiss any bad thoughts immediately, of course. The thoughts about whether we can be more than friends. We get along so well, and he’s an attractive guy, so my mind often wanders. I know that we were meant to be just friends. If we were right for each other in that way, then I wouldn’t almost have a panic attack every time I think about it going further. I’m not ready to start a serious relationship with anyone right now. When the thought of being Joey’s girlfriend feels just as comfortable as the thought of being his friend, then I’ll know I’m ready. Until then, I’d rather not screw up what we have.

  Today marks the nineteenth day that has passed without me seeing my father. It’s May 21st, a Monday, a therapy day. I sit in Mr. Gerard’s room with my chin in my hand. I’m watching Joey keep a blank facial expression as Mr. Gerard bends, rotates and pulls on his legs to loosen the muscles that are painfully taut from spasms. It has been almost three weeks since I’ve seen my father and in each of those days there were moments of loss. Though I’ve been enjoying myself, I’m aware of my world being incomplete. As I become closer to Joey emotionally, I feel myself pulling farther away from my father. Maybe it’s the right thing to do, since Dad can’t be there for me right now.

  Uncle Frank visited Dad Saturday morning and he told me that he was doing well. I met Uncle Frank at the front door hoping Dad had given him a message for me. There was none. Manny has been calling again and he wants me to visit Dad; if not for myself, for him. I have mixed feelings about returning to Palo Verde, but now is as good a time as any. Being open to possibilities has worked in my favor so far. I inform Joey that I won’t be able to hang out with him after therapy because I’m going to visit Daddy. I’m stunned when he gazes at me across the therapy room and says, “I’ll go with you.”

  I can tell Joey is trying to keep my spirits up. He was extra silly during the drive to the mental hospital. As we walk through the revolving doors of the hospital, Joey is in the middle of an impression of Mr. Jeremy, the owner of the neighborhood convenience store. Joey imitates the drawl and the way he always pulls up on his belt loops.

  “Joey! My boy! El Fuego! You’re friends with Manny, right? Oh, it’s a shame what happened. That judge should be hawg-tied. Here, have ten of these packs of chewin’ gum. No charge. I see you’re here with Miss Elaine. Hello, Angel. God bless your father and your brother and I remember your beautiful mother. She kept that park spic and span when your Daddy was running it. He still has ownership, don’t he? Here, take my cash register. It’s an honor. Joey, is it true your momma’s dating Frank Merjoy? So, you’re practically Merjoy’s son now, eh? Here ya go. The keys to my Dodge. Enjoy yourself.”

  My abdominal muscles hurt from laughing so hard. Mr. Jeremy has been trying for years to bribe his way into being the owner of the Park.

  Joey’s energy level doesn’t change when we enter the building. Even when we go through security and when we walk past the windows in the hallway where you can see patients in various states of mental capacity. He doesn’t look uncomfortable or worried, so I don’t feel ashamed. As we walk down the hall, someone rounds the corner up a head, coming towards us.

  I nudge Joey with my elbow. “That’s him. He’s the doctor I was telling you about on the way here.”

  “That’s Dr. Agneau?” Joey says, disgusted. “What is he? Forty years old?” he laughs.

  “He’s only 27, now hush. Here he comes.”

  As Dr. Agneau walks briskly towards us with his perfect smile and light hazel eyes against a dark complexion, Joey takes my hand in his.

  I smile. “What are you…?” I begin to whisper, but Joey quiets me with a wink of his eye. When I look back at Dr. Agneau the smile has dripped off of his face.

  “Hello, Doctor,” I greet him.

  “Miss Roberts,” he nods. Then his hazel eyes bounce over to Joey. After scrutinizing Joey from head to toe, he says, “And you are?”

  Joey sticks his hand out and the doctor shakes it firmly up and down. “I’m her fiancé,” Joey says and he continues grinning though the doctor’s handshake comes to a sudden stop.

  “Visiting is only for immediate family members of our patients,” Dr. Agneau says and then drops Joey’s hand.

  “I’m just here for moral support, Doc.” Then Joey pinches my cheek. “I wouldn’t want my snugglebunny to come up here by herself.” I almost ruin the scene when Joey cups my face in his hands. “I’m gonna make an honest woman out of you, ain’t I?” I don’t answer because if I open my mouth I’ll laugh like a fool. Joey responds by squeezing my cheeks until my lips pucker out like a goldfish’s. “Ain’t I, sugarbutt?” I nod and Joey lets go of my face to hug me to him, proudly.

  The doctor’s top lip curls and then he rolls his eyes in my direction. “Your Dad will be very happy to see you. He’s been asking for you all day,” he says with a sour smile. He quickly continues walking past us and down the hall. I can’t hold it in any longer, but Dr. Agneau is still within earshot so I bury my face into Joey’s chest to muffle my laughter. His body is pulsing with laughter as well. Eventually I come up for air.

  “Why did you do that to him?” I smile up at Joey. We’re standing very close to each other and his hand is still at my lower back. The warmth of his hand radiates through my entire body.

  “It’s not my fault he’s too dumb to realize there’s no ring on your finger.”

  “Okay. I have to be serious now. I gotta go in and see my dad.”

  Joey looks behind me at the window to the patient recreation room. He returns his stunning blue eyes to mine and he gives me a small smile. I can tell he’s apprehensive, but he wants me to be strong.

  “I’ll be right here if you need me,” he says.

  Fear begins to rise inside of me. I give Joey a warm hug to calm myself before I leave. As I walk into the recreation room, I wonder about how natural it was for me to be close to Joey. Past silent patients frozen in their own minds, others making a chorus of pained moans, and others who seem like today is one of their good days, I see my Dad sitting at a table by himself. He doesn’t look like he is having one of his good days. He’s slouched over and his knee is bouncing nervously. The doctor said Dad had been asking for me all day. He wants to see me. I smile. “Hi, Daddy. I’m here,” my voice trembles. He stands up from the table and hugs me. I hug him back for a long time, so relieved that he welcomes my visit, but when we pull away from each other his brows are furrowed with concern.

  “What are you doing, sweetheart?”

  “I heard from the doctor that you were asking for me. I thought maybe you wanted to see me.”

  He shakes his head. “What are you doing with that boy?”

  The nurse arrives to escort us to the visiting room. “I’ll explain in a minute, Daddy,” I answer meekly.

  “Joey and I are just friends,” I explain once we are seated on the loveseat.

  “I saw you in the hall, all over each other. Are you calling me stupid?”

  I’m suddenly ashamed of myself for being so inappropriate with Joey right in front of my father. “We were joking around out there. I’m sorry. That was disrespectful of me.”

  “I’ve never liked that kid. The way he always looks at you like you’re his possession. I thought you had more dignity than that. Your mother and I are very disappointed.”

  I guess he’s been “talking” to Mom again. Though I know it’s not really Mom that he’s talking to, it still hurts to hear those words.

  “This was all part of his plan to get you alone. I always knew he was up to no good. Now he has you cornered. No parents, no siblings. Just you and him. You and him. You’r
e not wearing your glasses, but don’t be blind. Don’t be ignorant, Elaine,” he urges passionately. He turns his head and stares wide-eyed at the vacant spot beside him. “She is not a whore!” he screams at nothing. “She’s my baby. She’s just making a big mistake. Big mistake. A big mistake.”

  I dig my fingernails into my palms. I am completely tense with anxiety. This is the worst I’ve ever seen him hallucinate. He asked to be in this hospital, but it doesn’t seem like he’s improving. All the disturbing Hollywood portrayals of mental hospitals spilled into my mind.

  “Has anybody hurt you?” I whisper to Dad.

  Silence. He peers past me, mute. The couch shakes as his nervous motions quicken. His knee shimmies from side to side. He taps the top of the couch methodically with his fingers.

  “Dad?” I struggle to keep my voice from breaking into a thousand inaudible pieces. “Have they ever put their hands on you?”

  My will to be composed collapses as I watch tears trickle down my father’s tired face. “They didn’t put their hands on me. Demons don’t have to touch you to hurt you. They just make pawns of your loved ones and make you sit back and watch.”

  “Manny and I are fine, Daddy,” I sputter. “I miss you, but you asked me to let you stay here.”

  “Take me out of here, Elaine. That Dr. Agneau is up to something. The way he smiles at me with his golden eyes. He has the eyes of a snake. The Serpent. Always watching and listening.” He stands up from the couch and snatches the potted silk flowers off of the end table. He strangles the bouquet and shreds the pink rose petals away from the stems. The soft petals flutter to the ground, and one of Joey’s poems plays in my mind like background music.

  “I can’t have a moment of peace with my family because of constant surveillance! Damn you!” Dad screams. He plucks the block of gray floral foam from the plastic pot and pulverizes the foam in his hands, searching for cameras, wires, recording devices. Then two large hospital workers march into the visiting rooms. I want to scream, but I can only tremble in my seat as I watch my father being strong armed by the male hospital workers in white uniforms. I try to stay sane in the insanity. If I scream and kick at the workers like I want to, they might have to take me away, too.

  “Laney!” he hollers as they restrain him and drag him away from me. Furious, Daddy tries to sink his teeth into the arm of the nurse. The hospital worker reacts swiftly. He grasps Dad’s chin roughly and pushes his head up and away from his arm. After struggling as much as he could, Dad gives up and goes completely limp in the sturdy arms of the two guards and melts to the floor.

  One man takes his legs and the other his arms and carries my father who begins moaning, “Noooo! I want to go hooome!”

  ******

  “Whoa, Elaine. Calm down. What happened?”

  “I have to get him out of here right now!”

  “Shhh. Laney, talk to me,” Joey rubs my shoulders.

  “He wasn’t this bad when he was home. He’s never looked so tormented, Joey. Instead of letting him cool off, the guards came in and wrestled him until he gave up fighting.” I close my eyes to control my crying. Joey’s warm hands glide up and down the length of my bare arms. It soothes me. I roughly wipe the tears from my face with my hands and wipe them dry on my jeans. I take Joey’s hand. “Come on. Let’s go talk to someone and get him released.”

  “Wait. I think we should discuss this. “

  “We? He’s my father, not yours.”

  “He’s better off here where trained professionals can handle him. You’re not as strong as two men, Elaine.”

  “You don’t physically abuse someone for being sick!”

  “They didn’t abuse him. They restrained him. You want to live with the threat of your dad’s behavior looming over you, day in and day out?”

  “My mother didn’t throw him away when she was scared. That’s what you want me to do?”

  His gaze is serious. “Elaine, I am begging you not to bring him home.”

  “He’s coming home.”

  “If he comes back,” his voice is stern with anger, “then I’ll stop coming around.”

  “What?” I can’t believe he’s giving me an ultimatum. I’m supposed to choose him over my own father? As muddled as my father’s mind can be, his warnings were clear and true: Being so close to Joey was a big mistake. I allowed myself to become too trustworthy of him. I let go of Joey’s hand and step away from him. He shakes his head and shoves his hands in his pockets. His disappointed blue eyes burn into me in anticipation of what I’ll say next.

  “My dad needs to come home. Are you going to help me or not?” I give him one more chance to support me.

  He stands his ground. “I’ll be outside,” he says. He walks away from me down the long hallway.

  However beautiful the rose may be,

  The severed petals scattered on the floor,

  They cannot reattach like once before.

  ******

  She was never more beautiful. Watching her charm everyone and dance with Niko and Cesar was mesmerizing. She danced with me. She opened up, her warmth came through, and I was so happy that she was happy. The night of Cesar’s party and the few days that followed it held so many moments in which I had to talk myself down from flat out kissing her. I didn’t know that I could feel any stronger about her, but I did in that short weekend. She was so close. She was so close to taking one more step in my direction. Then it all blew up in my face.

  The hospital refused to release Mr. Roberts to her because he was in the midst of a psychotic episode, but firstly because he and Elaine had previously signed an agreement that he remain there for at least 4 weeks. “You win,” she said to me when she walked out of the mental hospital. Elaine wouldn’t let me come near her. I couldn’t touch her. She didn’t meet my gaze. I tried to explain myself on the way home. She cut me off and said, “I want to be alone right now,” even though we had a half hour more of driving to go. She cried the entire ride home. I sat helplessly in the passenger seat, my heart tortured by the sound of every sniffle she made.

  I gave her time to be alone and called her later that night. I called hoping our friendship could get back on track, not expecting her to agree. I was surprised she picked up the phone. I was elated when she listened to my explanation and accepted my apology. The only reason I’d given her an ultimatum was because I was afraid. I didn’t know what could happen to her if her dad was living with her again. I just wanted her to be safe. She consented to spending time with me the next day and I thanked God. But when I went over to her house the next afternoon, she wasn’t who I had been praying for.

  The old Elaine met me at the door. She was wearing those stupid glasses. I never realized how much I hated those glasses until now. She steps away from me when I near her. She stifles her smiles. She’s sarcastic and pessimistic. Our conversations are superficial. I’m her acquaintance now, not her best friend. When I spend time with her it’s like a doctor’s visit. I step into her office, not her home. It’s cold. There’s a barrier to protect her from…from me. She’s protecting herself from me. It hurts to know that.

  When I’m away from her, I miss her. I’m restless. I go back to her time and time again only to find that the Elaine I am yearning for is not there. I’m so pissed off I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m mad at both of us. I still love her. That will never change, but I’ve gotten a taste of the true Elaine I’ve always known was inside. I can’t just return to having a brick wall that I have to chip and chisel at it for hours just to get a glimpse of the sweet girl that she really is.

  She’s punishing me. She goes with me to all the places we used to go, with all the friends we usually hang out with, but treats me like she did in high school; like I’m stupid, immature, annoying and intrusive. She does it so slyly that everyone thinks she’s joking. Then I seem like I’m overreacting if I get mad. She is punishing me for wanting to protect her from her father. Is this how it’s going to be from now on? She can’t do this to
me. She’s pushing me to my limit. She’s pushing me to my dark, angry side. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be the me who is totally at peace with the world when she’s by my side. So, if this is my punishment, I want to know if and when my punishment will be over. And I have to know that the relationship that’s waiting for me afterwards will be worth this pain.

  ******

  I didn’t read the first letter until two days after it came. I was afraid it was a letter begging me to get him out of the hospital; something I couldn’t do and didn’t want to be reminded of. Two more letters arrived from the Palo Verde Mental Hospital before I could open the first one. The three letters piled up on the kitchen counter until my nerves couldn’t handle the guilt any longer. I tore them open and found each letter to be relatively the same: A father’s concerns for his daughter’s heart and mind.

  Dearest Elaine,