Arizona Allspice

by Lewin, Renee

  “She’s gonna go hang out with Frank for the rest of the day.”

  “What did you tell her?”

  “That you were spending the night.”

  “Oh gosh! This is humiliating.” I slump back down to lay flat on the bed and cover my flaming face with my hands. I’m jolted when I feel Joey’s talented mouth sucking on my neck. “Joey…I don’t want to do this, um, right now,” I manage to say between breaths.

  “I know.” He kisses me on the chin and quickly on the mouth. “I’m sort of glad my mom dropped by because this is not how I imagined our first time,” he says.

  I raise an eyebrow. “Don’t lie.”

  Joey blushes slightly. “Okay, so maybe I have imagined it this way once or twice.”

  I burst out laughing. Joey buries his face in a pillow and laughs along with me. “Ideally, I wanted it to happen in the near future,” he finally says. “In someplace that was our place or at least our place for four days and five nights, on an island somewhere, maybe,” Joey’s eyes gleam. I throw my arms around his neck and hug him tight. My stomach flutters like a flock of butterflies. He’s talking about a honeymoon. It was always my hope to give myself to my husband. I am so lucky that Joey is an honorable guy who respects that. Maybe in a year or so, my dream will come true. Today has felt like a dream already.

  We remain in bed the whole day, leaving only to grab some fresh fruit from the refrigerator. Snacking on plums and pears and feeding each other strawberries, we relax in the opulence of the love between us. We talk for hours and hours, hanging on to each other’s every word and delighting in the slightest contact of our bodies as well as the incredible intimacy of our kisses, until at last we fall asleep. I stir awake in the middle of the night. Through heavy eyelids I admire the full moon glowing in the curtainless bedroom window. I remember one of Joey’s poems. Bright moon mirrored in my dark eyes. Wish that I could feel that bright and full. I don’t have to wish for that any longer. I feel just like that moon. Joey does too. I smile, snuggle back into his chest and fall asleep.

  ******

  “Okay, time for a goalkeeper drill! That means you, Max!” I chuckle as our goalie jogs quickly to the center of the goal. “We’re going up against Los Exterminadores this weekend! Their goalie is nothing to laugh at! Nor is their footwork! Max, we’re going to come at you from every angle! I need my forwards to step up to this line! Push the ball to the left, to the right, straight ahead, switch it up!”

  I walk along the edge of the penalty box and point out a spot for them to stand on. Once each has a soccer ball, I blow the whistle and one by one they charge towards Max, using their dribbling skills to confuse him as to where they will kick. Max deflects or catches every single ball. Max shrugs his shoulders at his own impressive display while all the forwards’ shoulders slump in disappointment. The servers turn around to me, waiting for their punishments.

  “Good, Max. The rest of you, don’t sweat this. We’ve got plenty of time to sharpen up. Just try harder next time. Stay focused. Okay?”

  None of them answer. They stare at me puzzled. Worriedly, they look to their teammates to the left and the right of them. Both my eyebrows go up when they start whispering to each other in Spanish. Finally, I clear my throat to get their attention.

  “What’s the problem, guys?”

  Niko steps forward. “Uh, Joey?” he refers to me by name rather than as his captain, “Are you feeling alright? You know, in the head and all?”

  I guffaw. “I’m fine! Where is this coming from?”

  “It’s just that you’re being sort of…nice,” he gulps.

  “Really? Was I a mean captain before today?”

  “No! No,” all the team members respond suddenly.

  I laugh. “I’m just feeling good for once. Don’t be startled.” My team gapes at me with question marks on all their faces. I try to stop it, but a grin spreads across my face. I shrug. “She loves me.”

  Suddenly, I’m surrounded by my loud, giddy team. “No way!” “You’re a goner.” “Congratulations!” “God, help you!” “Yeah! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” They laugh, whoop loudly, pat my back, slap hands with me and imitate the sound of a cracking whip. Cesar ruffles my hair and gives me vague, but profound advice: “Be careful.”

  ******

  “You’re doing it, baby! You’re driving!” I smile proudly. Joey has maneuvered the truck up and down the streets of the trailer park without the neighborhood or the vehicle incurring any damages. The breakthrough occurred when I realized that he could use the same method he used in soccer to help him with driving. We first walked around Merjoy, hand in hand, so Joey could memorize the length of our streets. With a rough count of the number of steps it took to traverse the neighborhood, Joey was able to match his mental count to what he was visualizing. I was shocked to see how well it worked for him. Pretty soon I could get him driving down Main Street!

  “Cool,” Joey says mostly to himself as we cruise around the park. He circles it a few times before riding up to my house and parking. “Thanks, Laney. If it wasn’t for you I would never have thought to use what I do for soccer to help me with driving.” He leans towards the passenger seat for a kiss. I allow him.

  “You’ll use any excuse to kiss me, huh?” I chuckle.

  “I can’t help it. It’s like I’ve been starving. I can’t get enough of you.” His eyes bore into mine and I feel my skin grow hot. “Besides, I need it. It’s my own form of holistic medicine.”

  “In what way?”

  “Did I ever tell you that the tremor in my hand stops when we kiss?”

  “I don’t know if I believe you.” I give him a seductive smile.

  He smirks. “Only one way to find out.” It was hard to focus on anything else, but as we kissed I managed to open one eye and peek at his left hand. It was as still as stone.

  “I need you at the game this weekend,” he whispers and brushes my ear with his lips, sending a chill down my spine.

  “I’ll be there.”

  “Are you going to bring your blue umbrella? That’s how I always knew where to find you on the sidelines.”

  “You used to watch me sitting in the crowd?”

  “Yeah. When you weren’t looking.”

  “I’m sure that distracted you.” I frown slightly. I brush his hair from his forehead and kiss it. “Stay focused this time,” I urge.

  He nods. He was always amazing on the field, but this time around, I know he’ll be focused, like a bullet.

  Just as I predicted, week after week his team prevailed, bringing them ever closer to the finals. The weeks have been full and lovely. Spending time with my brother, Joey, Uncle Frank, Auntie Amelia, and all of my old and new friends has made every day bright. I wish Daddy could come home. All this happiness is healing.

  ******

  “You are so sexy when you speak Spanish. Speak Spanish to me.”

  “I think you need a Latin girlfriend if that’s what you want,” she pouts beneath me, feigning sadness. “I know a few Mexican girls that you could”

  I silence her with a kiss. “No, no, no. I know what I want,” I smile against her lips and allow more of my weight to press her into her bed. Her fists tighten around my shirt sleeves. We’ve been doing a lot of this lately. A lot of pretty-closes and could-haves. I suck and nibble on her neck. She moans. “Please?” I ask again.

  Her eyes flutter open and she stares up at me. “Te amo, mi corazón,” she says slowly and breathlessly. “Tú eres mi tierra y mi cielo.” She bites on her bottom lip, and then whispers, “Mi fuego.”

  My mouth goes dry. I feel my body react. I find her hands, intertwine my fingers with hers, and bring her arms up above her head. Her eyes widen slightly. When she tries to pull her arms down, I apply more pressure to her wrists.

  “Where are you going?” I smirk. She’s breathing hard. I wonder if she’s as turned on as I am. I lower my mouth to her full lips. I tease them open with my tongue. I feel her start to writhe be
neath me. She’s rubbing against me and it’s driving me crazy. She tries to jerk her hand out of my grasp, but I just hold a little tighter. Out of nowhere, Elaine knees me hard in the thigh. In shock, and slight pain, I release her hands and she starts punching and slapping at me. Speechless, I just take the kicks and the punches, putting my arm up to block a few of them that come near my face.

  ******

  I panicked. I wasn’t thinking rationally. I didn’t remember that Joey would never hurt me. I just felt like he had too much control and that I was trapped. His hands kept getting tighter and tighter and I exploded. I fought with my eyes clenched shut and tears running into my hair. Once I realized Joey wasn’t pressing me down into the bed any longer, I opened my eyes.

  “Elaine, I wasn’t... Baby, I was kidding, okay?” Joey says in a soothing voice, but I can tell that he’s in shock as he sits in the middle of my bed.

  “I’m sorry,” I stifle a sob. He crawls back up to lay beside me and I watch him smooth my hair down and dry my tears. His blue eyes are apologetic and then suddenly Joey’s face goes blank. He stares at me for so long I memorize his irises. “Someone did something to you, didn’t they?”

  How did he know? Was ‘Stupid Little Girl’ written all over my face?

  He swallows. “Oh God,” he mutters mournfully and looks away. He turns his back to me and sits at the edge of the bed. I turn my head and bury my face in the pillow. Bile travels up my throat. The humiliation yanks at my gut.

  “Was it your father?” he finally says.

  My fist clenches. “No,” I say through gritted teeth. Why can’t Joey get it through his head that my Dad would never hurt me?

  “Who was it?”

  “Some guy at a party.”

  Joey stands and starts pacing my bedroom. “I need to know where this ‘some guy’ lives because I need to break every goddamn bone in his body!” he shouts and slams his fist into his hand.

  “You’re angry,” I respond weakly. My hands are shaking.

  “Damn right I’m angry! I’m gonna bash his face in, Elaine,” he says, his voice full of intent.

  “Why? Because it’s his fault you can’t get any?” I accuse, trying to divert his attention.

  “No! For hurting you. You know that. Don’t you?”

  I nod.

  “I was supposed to protect you, Elaine.”

  “You didn’t even know me then.”

  “I don’t care!”

  “You’re scaring me,” I plead.

  He freezes. “I am? Okay...okay.” Still pacing the floor, he takes a few deep breaths and shakes his arms out in an attempt to convince me he is levelheaded. I don’t buy it. “I’m calm. Tell me who it was.”

  I’ve been holding onto this secret for so long, I have to force the syllables out of my mouth. “Richie,” I sputter and wait for him to explode. He doesn’t move. It feels like he’s looking through me. “He tried to rape me, but he was not successful,” I add. “If it makes you feel any better,” I roll my eyes. Joey only shakes his head at my attitude. He chuckles darkly.

  “What a coincidence. My father’s name. Richard screws the girl over and goes on his merry way. The story of my conception come back to haunt me,” he nods. “Shit!” he exclaims, angry again. “Just let me hurt him back! I know it scares you to see me angry, but if I don’t get this rage out, then I’ll cry like I’m twelve again!” His eyes widen a bit. “And I’m not ever going back to that.”

  “Then go outside and kick the ball around.” I scoop a soccer ball up from the floor by my bed and toss it to him. He catches it, digs his fingers into it like it’s someone’s neck and then bounces it from one hand to the other as he studies me. I raise my chin and don’t avert my eyes because I want to look strong and not ashamed. He walks towards me, kisses me very tenderly and then leaves. I don’t know where he’s going; to the field or to go look for Richie. One hour turns into two. Two into three.

  ******

  When I return to Elaine’s house, I’m exhausted. I am so drained I almost fall asleep while walking. Elaine is sleeping when I slip into her bedroom.

  I had seen it in other girls’ eyes; a wariness and shame that only came from one thing. I knew just by looking at those girls that they had been through hell. When I saw it in Elaine’s eyes I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t handle it.

  “Where did you go?” She asks groggily once I wake her up by whispering her name a few times.

  I’d made some phone calls and it turns out that Richie had only been in town the weekend of Manny’s party to visit his parents in Cadence Village. He was back at Colorado State now. Basketball scholarship. I had no choice but to run myself ragged at the soccer field. “To the field,” I answer.

  She surprises me with an appreciative kiss. “Thank you, thank you,” she says, relieved, and buries her face into my neck. I can’t believe she’s thanking me for not doing anything. I feel so useless. I feel like a worthless, cowardly, sorry excuse for her man.

  “You don’t have to try to fix it, Joey. You can’t. You, Denise, Marisol and one other person know about what happened to me. We’ve all moved on. Let’s keep it that way.”

  “Manny knows?”

  “No. The other person that knows got pregnant and moved out of the state. The girl who was my best friend, remember?”

  “Why didn’t Denise and Marisol say something to me about that guy? I would have kept him away from other girls in the neighborhood.”

  “Because they didn’t see it as a problem back in middle school. He was a senior in high school and popular. They thought I should have been grateful. They’ve probably forgotten about it by now. And, in a way, I should be grateful to Richie.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “If Richie hadn’t done what he did, maybe I wouldn’t have decided that I wanted to save myself for the right person. I wouldn’t have saved myself for you.”

  I hug her to me and squeeze her tight. All the bad things in her life that I couldn’t protect her from have made her who she is today and I love her and wouldn’t change a thing about her. When we get married one day it’ll be the first time for both of us. It’ll be perfect. “Can I sleep here?” She nods her head against my chest. “I’m not too smelly?” She just chuckles and shakes her head. I pull the warm covers up over both of us and snuggle close. Her warm body smells like vanilla and honey. I drift off to a good dream.

  ******

  As always, the temperature at the lake is perfect. Joey decided that it was a good day for a swim. I agreed but I have reason to believe this is only a plot to see me half naked. The wildflowers have blanketed most of the area so it takes a few minutes to find a patch of grass. To Joey’s amusement, I insist we find a clearing so as not to crush the flowers with our picnic basket. The ground was bursting with color: yellow, red, violet, pink, orange and cream flowers, each of them with the red soil as their backdrop. Joey’s copper hair fit right in. It had grown back after two months, but he cut it short on me. I made a mistake and told him that he looked more mature with shorter hair, manlier you could say, and now I’m afraid I’ll never again see him with those gorgeous curls again. I suppose I have a few tricks I could use to change his mind.

  I sigh, taking in the perfection of the view. With all this natural beauty around me, I start to feel more and more self-conscious. I watch Joey pull his shirt off with ease and I frown. He’s got the perfect body. He stands there, waiting for me to take off my jeans and shirt in the broad daylight which hides nothing.

  Nothing.

  “I’m a little pudgy in the midsection area,” I circle my pointer finger above my clothed stomach.

  Joey chuckles. “No you’re not. And even if you were, I wouldn’t care.”

  “But you work out and stuff and compared to yours my body’s not toned, and”

  “Elaine, stop. I love you. I’ll meet you in the water, my Allspice Aphrodite.” He smirks. He can tell that I’m blushing. Out into the water he goes. He splas
hes his head underneath like a seal and then resurfaces, blinking the water out of his eyes with a grin on his face. “Come on! It feels great!”

  I am being so stupid right now. What am I going to do? Hide from him for the rest of my life?

  ******

  As I wade around in the lake, I watch Elaine staring down at her toes in thought. Elaine can be shy once in a while. It floors me every time. I’m not used to seeing her unconfident. It’s the other way around for me. I used to be self-conscious but now I don’t care because I know she loves me. I think maybe Laney believes if I see what she thinks are physical flaws then I’ll pack up and leave. That’s just silly. I look down at my own pecs and abs. I don’t want her body to be like mine! I want her to be her; feminine, curvy and soft. Hasn’t she noticed that I can’t keep my hands off of her?