Let Me Heal Your Heart

by Lily Foster

  “Stop being so fucking cryptic. What happened between you and Mom? Why was she so unhappy, unhappy enough to do that?”

  He looked to me nervously before looking back to the road. He spoke slowly. “Your mother was best friends with my high school sweetheart, Maryann. Your mom was beautiful, funny and kind but Maryann, well…the only way I can explain it is like two pieces of a puzzle that just simply fit together. She was meant for me. Someone I could tell anything to, and she could be open with me, tell me anything, without judgment. She made me laugh every day, you know?” He smiled wistfully at the memory. “I made a terrible mistake one night. It was just after we’d graduated. There was drinking, a bunch of us down at the beach for a bonfire. Maryann had been gone for two weeks, staying with her ailing grandmother in northern Maine.” He paused before he said, “I was with your mother.”

  I grasped my head with my hands. “She got pregnant. With me.”

  My father said nothing for a long minute. “I’m a worthless man to say it, but I felt like my world had been blown apart. The day I was supposed to be catching a train to Boston to start college wound up being my wedding day.”

  I was seething but I wanted him to go on. “What happened to the girl?”

  “Maryann? She was crushed. You know, betrayed by her boyfriend and her best friend. Maryann left for school in Boston, where we’d been planning to be together, start our life together. She met someone else eventually. Married him. She lives in Marlborough now. Her children are younger, of course.”

  “Do you keep in touch with her?”

  “No. After she found out what I’d done, she never spoke to me again. I used to be hungry for every bit of news I could get about her, though. Constantly thought about what life would have been like. The great…what if.”

  “Must have been shitty for Mom,” I remarked bitterly.

  “It was. I think she’d always had feelings for me, even before that night, but I had nothing but resentment for her. I felt I’d been trapped and,” he held up his hand to stop me before I spoke. “That’s crap. For a man, the responsibility lies with him. That’s the fact. I was the one. I gave in to some fleeting temptation. I was angry at her when it was my fault, no one else’s.”

  “Did Mom leave a note?”

  He looked confused momentarily before he realized what I was asking. “There was no note. She had asked me to come home, to go pick out the tree as a family.” He looked over at me. “I’m sorry, Declan. I really am. I should have been so many more things to you and to her. That day, I didn’t come home. I was my usual, resentful, bitter self. She wanted me there and for that reason alone, I wouldn’t come.”

  “Why didn’t you just divorce her? She could have met someone who made her happy.”

  “I wanted to. I brought it up a hundred times. I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth before she’d threaten me.”

  “I’m sure she didn’t use me as a threat. It didn’t seem like you would have cared if she took me away and you never got to see me again.”

  His hands gripped the steering wheel. “That’s not true, although I’ve given you every reason to think that it is. It’s not true, Declan.”

  “It doesn’t hurt anymore, Dad. Don’t worry about it. I just want to know about Mom.”

  “You were always her baby and I was removed, an outsider in our home. It’s no excuse but I care about you a great deal, Declan. It was so hard when you were little. We fought constantly. She’d accuse me of calling Maryann, of seeing her secretly. I’d be afraid to leave for work. She’d threaten to hurt herself. You were just a baby.” He was shaking his head. “Everything was my fault. And while I accept that, I resented the feeling of being trapped. I felt so goddamn trapped.”

  When he went to say something else I interrupted, “Dad, let’s just drive for a while.” I’d taken in just about all I could. My head was spinning.

  When we pulled up outside the arena, my father asked, “Are you all right, Declan? With hearing all that, I mean.”

  I nodded. I was exhausted, the cumulative effects of the day’s events bearing down on me. “I’ll be no more than an hour, Declan. I’ll just park and I’ll be here waiting for you.”

  “Thanks.”

  I should have been nervous going in to talk to Coach but my hockey career was the last thing on my mind right now. Still, respect for the coach was something learned in pee-wee league and I didn’t take it lightly. “Coach?”

  “Banks. Have a seat.”

  I took it as a good sign that he didn’t look angry. “Coach, I’m very sorry for missing practice today, I—”

  “I have no time for bullshit, Banks. Did you have a legitimate emergency?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Do you have anything else you want to tell me?”

  I paused for a moment. “Last week I didn’t have a stomach virus. I needed to take it easy at practice because I’d bruised my ribs in a fight.”

  He looked up and nodded. “Is this going to affect the team?”

  “No, sir.”

  “Did you have your ribs looked at or did you diagnose yourself?”

  “Um, I just…they don’t hurt so bad so I figured nothing was broken.”

  He shook his head. “Banks, you’re a good kid. I knew that day-one when I started scouting you. Keep your head on straight. You’re the one…the one the scouts are already coming to see. They’re going to be blowing smoke up your ass about turning pro early and if you start taking that shit to heart, start thinking you’re above the routines and the rules of this team, then I’ll show you the door—cut you loose right now. I care more about respect, commitment and teamwork than I do about winning. Am I making myself clear?”

  “Absolutely, sir.”

  “Good. Now go see Mitch…make sure those ribs are healing all right. You’re starting against UMass when we come back from break. I want you ready, son.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  “How did it go?”

  “Good.” I wanted to smile in relief but now that I was back with my father, all the shit that he’d told me was coming back at me, fucking with my head.

  “When do you have to be back down for practice?”

  “I get a week. I’m coming back New Year’s Day. First practice on January second, game at UMass on the seventh. I’m starting.”

  “That’s good.” He smiled at me. “It’s the opposite of being benched.” About half an hour into the ride back he said, “Declan, the point of me telling you all that before was just so that you’d understand how sorry I am. I’ve needed to apologize to you. And I’m sorry it’s taken this long and I’m sorry I’ve needed someone else to show me how to do the most basic things when it comes to being a parent. Things as simple as talking to my son and making an effort.”

  “Diana?”

  “Yes.”

  Again, my urge was to shoot something back about not wasting his time, and that I was too old, too far past the point of needing any parenting. Again I made a conscious effort to talk, even though it hurt a bit, physically hurt to be kind towards him. “She’s seems like she’s good for you. You look better.”

  “She is good for me. Sometimes I don’t want to even want anything this good because I feel like I don’t deserve it, deserve her. Needing people, it makes you feel weak sometimes, you know?”

  I just shrugged. “Not if you both need each other.”

  He nodded then and swallowed. I’m sure this level of heart-to-heart was a lot on him too. We rode the rest of the way in relaxed silence. My thoughts were drifting from my mother, to memories of my parents together, to Anna, and to Tess. I’d called Anna three times since leaving this morning and each time I’d gotten her voicemail.

  I was going to her.

  I didn’t anticipate that one of the richest families in the country wouldn’t have their address listed. And it was late by the time I’d driven round trip, Boston to Cape Elizabeth, twice in one day, but I had to call. I had to call someone who most d
efinitely did not want to speak to me. “Hey, Fiona.”

  “Save the pleasantries, Declan.”

  “Fiona, please,” I pleaded. “This morning was a fucking disaster. I did break up with her, Fiona. I broke up with Tess.”

  “Good for you,” she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “Are you looking for a pat on the back? You only grew a set of balls after she heard you messing around with Anna. You’re really a stand-up guy, Declan.”

  “I need to see Anna. Please, Fiona, just give me her address.”

  She didn’t speak for nearly a minute and then she read me the address. “Declan, I wouldn’t go there expecting a warm reception.”

  “I’ve just got to see her.”

  The next morning I was walking out of the house at nine and stopped in my tracks when I saw Tess standing in my driveway, leaning against her parents’ car, dressed only in a thin, long-sleeved tee shirt. December in Maine wasn’t tee shirt weather, even for me. “Tess,” I said, taking off my sweatshirt and handing it to her, “put this on.” She took it and held it to her face, taking in the scent before she shrugged it on.

  “Declan,” she croaked and then shook her head, looking down at the ground where she was absently kicking the pebbles.

  I walked over to her and took her elbow. I felt badly but I also felt resolute, strong in my convictions that I had made a good decision. No matter what happened with Anna, I didn’t want what I had with Tess anymore. “Tess, it’s going to be all right. You may not believe me but this has nothing to do with her or anyone else.”

  “She’s beautiful and she’s rich, Declan. I get it.”

  “Should I be insulted? What exactly do you get, Tess?”

  “I can’t compete.”

  “Like I said, this doesn’t come down to Anna. I need to do this. It might make me a selfish prick but I don’t want to feel responsible right now, responsible for anyone.”

  “So that’s it. Everything we were and now…we’re just done. I’m nothing to you.”

  “You’ll never be nothing, Tess. I’ll always care about you.”

  “You’re killing me, Declan.”

  “Tess, please. You’re making this so hard.”

  I hated this. Hated to see her sad. Hated knowing that I was the one who did this to her. That resolve I had a few minutes ago was crumbling until she said, “You think you’re so special, right? Don’t you wonder why she isn’t scheming her way in between any of your other friends’ sheets? Why she’s so hell bent on taking you away from me? That rich, privileged bitch….Anna Cole,” she sneered when she said the wrong last name, “wouldn’t care a thing about you if you weren’t on your way to the pros, Declan.”

  “I’m done,” I said as I walked around her and got into my truck, slamming the door behind me. She was walking towards me when I peeled the car into reverse and turned out of the driveway. I knew exactly who wouldn’t be happy unless I was basking in the glory of a pro hockey contract. Tess had never realized how transparent she was.

  Even speeding at the rate I was, it was a little over four hours driving to Connecticut. It was Christmas Eve. I had the small box in my pocket.

  I told Dad I wasn’t sure about tomorrow. He was invited to Diana’s for dinner. He would be meeting her two sons for the first time and I think he was hoping I’d be there as a buffer. With any luck I figured I would be spending Christmas with Anna. Without said luck, I’d be poor company for anyone else.

  When I saw the house number on the stone pillars, I didn’t realize I still had nearly a half-mile’s drive ahead of me. As I got out of my car, the massive double doors opened and a guy a few years older than me stepped outside. It was her cousin, Dylan, and he didn’t look friendly. “She doesn’t want to see you.”

  “I don’t want to upset her but could you just tell her I’m here?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “I don’t think you understand what happened. I would never write her a note like that if I knew—”

  He laughed but it had a nasty edge. “I don’t think anyone’s that sadistic. I think that was just one very messed up coincidence. The exact same words, signed with a D, and if a forensic handwriting specialist saw it, they’d swear Drew wrote it himself. Just missing the blood and bits of grey matter.” He swallowed and looked away for a moment then. “Like I said, she doesn’t want to see you.”

  “Please, I just need to talk to her.”

  As I started to plead my case again, Dylan’s attention shifted to another truck pulling up the circular driveway. A big guy, taller than me and built like a lumberjack, got out and strode over to Dylan with a big grin on his face. Dylan’s expression changed. “Jeremy. Shit, it’s been a long time. How are you?”

  “Never better.”

  “That’s what I hear. You have to see if you have some time to give our guy an estimate on what we discussed over the summer.”

  “I’m on it. Is she home?”

  “Anna’s upstairs. She’s been waiting for you.”

  The guy gave me a smile and a head nod and moved right past me. Who the fuck was he? Jeremy, right, the guy who let her hide out when he was legal and she was jail bait. Dylan looked back to me then, ready to dismiss me. I stood my ground. “I’m not leaving until I see her.”

  His stance relaxed and he shook his head, sympathetic. “Look, man, just go home. She’s not ready for this, ok? Anna…she needs to be here with us around her now. She needs time. Just go home.”

  I dug the box out of my pocket and handed it to Dylan. “Will you give this to her?”

  He took it, nodding, and then closed the door in my face.

  Anna

  “Jeremy!”

  “Anna,” he said, looking at me with the warmth and kindness of a true friend. He looked down then and his eyes popped open. “Where are your clothes?”

  “Oh my God, you prude, I was just at a yoga class.” Big giant lie. I was wearing tiny black spandex shorts—like barely covering my ass cheeks tiny—and a tight white tank that did little to mask the shape of my breasts.

  I was lost.

  I was gone and the girl who had taken my place wanted this. If it wasn’t going to be with Declan then it had to be with someone. I felt angry, sexy, powerful and weak all at once.

  If it came without love, without affection, then so be it. I needed it—the lips on mine, stubble raking over my skin, the tug on my hair, the suck-bite on my nipple—rough but good.

  Jeremy averted his eyes, shrugged his shoulders and collapsed onto one of the oversized bean bag chairs. “So, how’s college life, Anna?”

  “Good. It has its ups and downs, like everything else. I missed seeing you over Thanksgiving, Jeremy.”

  “I love being my own boss and everything, running the show, you know? The only downside is that when something goes wrong, it’s on me. I was stuck in Stamford, up to my ass in cable wires that entire weekend.”

  We spent the next twenty minutes just catching up, me sitting across from him on the floor, my back against my bed frame. He said at one point, “There was some guy here when I pulled up. Dylan looked like he wasn’t happy with him. Younger…around your age.”

  I nodded, and looked away as I forced the tears to stay inside. “Maybe it was someone from school that I really don’t want to see.”

  “Got it. Are you all right? I mean, really, Anna,” he said, reaching over to touch his rough, callused hand to my cheek. “Are you all right?”

  I closed my hand over his and then slowly moved to him and crawled onto his lap so that I was sitting astride him. He leaned back a bit, surprised, and held my hips with both hands to prevent me from getting any closer. “No,” I whimpered. “Jeremy, don’t push me away, please.”

  He moved one hand back up to my cheek. “What is it, Anna? Talk to me.”

  I didn’t meet his eyes, instead I settled myself lower onto him. I could feel him, growing huge and hard, the thin fabric of my barely-there shorts providing no barrier whatsoever. My head fell ba
ck as I took in a breath. God, I wanted this, wanted him. “Anna, what the hell are you doing?” he said as he grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him.

  “I’ve missed you, Jeremy. I want you,” I pled.

  His hands slid up the sides of my ribcage, slowly skimming the sides of my breasts, and then he stopped abruptly, taking in a ragged breath. “Anna,” he said softly as he went to move me off him. He was strong but I was persistent. I laced my hands in his hair and kissed him but he didn’t return the kiss. He pulled back and looked at me evenly then, all traces of tenderness gone. “Is this what you want?” he asked as he took my hips roughly in his hands and pulled me down as he thrust up into me hard, three or four times. “You want me to stick my dick in you, Anna? You want me to use you, hurt you? And you want to use me like I’m nothing, like I have no soul?”

  I scampered back then, crashing into the foot of the bed opposite him. I covered my face with my hands, ashamed. I sensed Jeremy standing, moving towards the door, but then he stopped. I looked up to see him turned away from me, his hand on the doorknob. He spoke in a low voice. “Anna, you know how many of these rich older women have come on to me? And how many girls in high school came at me? Girls wanting to date the bad boy, to annoy their daddies or just to say to their friends that they took a walk on the wild side? I’d fuck ‘em and I’d tell myself I was having the last laugh, but I knew I was being used. They didn’t give a shit about me. They would never lower themselves to be with someone like me.”

  “Don’t say that, Jeremy,” I whispered, crying.

  “I know that’s not how it is with you, Anna.” He moved back beside me and sank next to me on the rug. “You don’t want me, though, Anna. You’re hurt and you’re asking for more pain. Don’t do it.”

  “Too late for that.”

  He pulled me into him and kissed my head. “Can you please put some clothes on so we can talk? I’m strong, Anna, but you have a woman’s body now, you know?”

  When I was securely covered in sweats and a hoodie, I sat on my bed next to him. “I slept with that boy you saw downstairs.” When he didn’t say anything, I said, “He was my first.”