Let Me Heal Your Heart

by Lily Foster

  His eyes widened. “All that time with Boy Wonder and you never did it?”

  “No,” I said, smiling. “I’m a freak.”

  “I take back the ‘Boy Wonder’ crap. I have nothing against Jonathan. He was always good to you. I always got the feeling he wasn’t too fond of me, though.”

  “He thought I had a thing for you. And given that he was probably frustrated with some aspects of our relationship…” I shrugged.

  “Got it. So you met a guy at school, became a woman,” he held his hands up defensively, laughing as I went to swat him. “So what went wrong?”

  “He had a girlfriend at home. He broke up with her yesterday but I know it’s only because he got caught. She showed up on campus and I was in his room.”

  “Shit. Was there a brawl? Did she come at you?”

  “No, but a friend told me later that she’d heard our voices. I was gone because he…asked me to sneak out the ground floor window. I felt like…that was the morning after we’d been…and he…I felt…dirty.” I couldn’t talk, get a full breath in, or stop the tears then.

  “What a piece of shit.”

  “It gets worse,” I sobbed.

  He was rubbing my back then. “Whenever you’re ready, honey.”

  “He sent one of his friends over with a note for me. He didn’t even break away from her for the one fucking minute it would have taken to see me in person. The note, Jeremy, was exactly what Drew wrote to me after he’d killed Will.”

  “Wait. What?”

  “Word for word. Same paper, ripped out of a spiral notebook. Similar handwriting. It freaked me out. I basically went catatonic, I think. Vince came and got me.”

  “That had to just be a weird, fucked up coincidence, Anna.”

  “I know it was. I just can’t stand that I’m still so out of control sometimes. It’s been nearly four years. You think I’d be better. That I’d be able to control myself. Not freak out or try to sexually assault my good friends,” I said, poking him in the ribs. “It’s just that my life feels upside down again, Jeremy.”

  “Do you love him?”

  “I love him.”

  He took a deep breath. “We all make mistakes, Anna. Every guy fucks it up sometimes. But make sure this guy deserves you. You have to be number one, no fucking excuses.”

  After we sat for a few minutes, him holding my hand, he told me he had to go. “Before you go back to school you’re coming out with me and Carolyn.”

  “Oh, yeah, sorry about that. You said you had a new girlfriend and I still tried to maul you. That was a new low for me,” I said, laughing. “Her name’s Carolyn?”

  “You know her, Anna. Carolyn Harris.”

  I smiled. “Since when?”

  “It’s pretty recent. I really like her, though. She asked me about you, told me she saw you over the break.”

  “I was glad she reached out to me. I’m happy for you, Jeremy. She seems great.”

  “Yeah, she is.” Jeremy paused and then said, “Carolyn makes me feel things, Anna. She’s not like a…what did you used to call Jonathan? A comfy sweater?”

  “Your point?”

  “Comfy sweaters are nice, they’re easy, Anna. But they don’t make you feel anything. Feeling everything…shit, it can hurt.”

  I nodded and then a moment later I asked, “Jeremy, we’re ok? What happened—”

  He held up his hand before I could go on. “It’s cool, Anna. What happened here today is between us.”

  I nodded and he smiled at me before leaving and closing my bedroom door behind him.

  I did a lot of thinking over the break.

  I didn’t return any of Declan’s calls but I did text him back a few days after Christmas, basically asking him to stop contacting me for now. I did it nicely, telling him we’d talk when we got back to campus in a few weeks. He wrote back once more asking if Dylan had given me the gift and I answered yes, but that I hadn’t opened it yet.

  I couldn’t bring myself to unwrap the small box. It was like it was radioactive or something, like it had the potential of destroying me. I’d shoved it far back into the top drawer of my desk, out of sight.

  Christmas itself wasn’t the happiest affair. I spent the morning with my mother, feeling guilty when I left to go back home, knowing that she wasn’t seeing her boyfriend until the next day when they were flying out to Nevis for the week. Typical mother, she had the nerve to look pouty and hurt as I left, even though she had basically left me alone for the majority of my childhood.

  Back at the Coles, the air was festive and bright but I was mopey. My father was acting like an ass after having four glasses of wine before dinner had even hit the table, his new girlfriend looked appropriately appalled, and even Kasia and Dylan seemed to be on edge around one another. Margot fluttered around, entertaining the guests, which included a few European business associates. With everyone mired in their own misery and Margot occupied in her attempts to make everything fabulous, no one noticed me slip upstairs right after dinner.

  I lie on my bed thinking for hours that night. Did I miss him? With every fiber of my being, yes. But what Jeremy had said hit home. I had to be the only one, number one in his life, no excuses. I couldn’t shake the feeling that if Tess hadn’t caught him in the act, he might have kept this shitty charade going, at my expense. When Victoria came by and told me that Tess had heard me and Declan arguing in the room, I was initially relieved. Now, though, it made me question everything. Maybe he loved her still. I believed him when he told me he loved me, I did, but I didn’t have faith that he was devoted to the idea of the two of us together, no one else. I also couldn’t shake the feeling of shame and fury that came over me every time I recalled him gesturing towards the window when he asked me to leave. No matter what sweet bullshit words he’d paired with it, the fact remained that he’d asked me to sneak out like his mistress, the piece of ass on the side that he had to hide from the wife.

  The conclusion I came to was that I needed to focus on myself and I had to be alone to do it. With all the Declan drama over the past few months, I’d been neglecting some things that had once been important to me. That stopped today.

  I spent the next three weeks taking stock and setting goals for myself.

  I ran every day to clear my head. I increased my distance and my speed, moving my runs from slow and contemplative to a more competitive pace. The physical workouts were good for me; I needed all the endorphins I could get.

  I started researching summer internships, toying with the idea of staying in Boston or New York if I was lucky enough to find a firm willing to take on a first-year undergraduate with absolutely no experience.

  After telling Dylan about my plans, he arranged for me to meet Kate, his friend Darcy’s sister-in-law, an architect who was up and coming in Manhattan. Kate and her husband, a well-established general contractor, were in the middle of a massive project, remodeling a boutique hotel in Soho.

  I expected to just meet her briefly that day but Kate had a different idea of what my visit would entail. I was handed a hard hat at nine a.m. and didn’t stop until we broke for lunch at two. In five hours I got more of an education than I had in an entire semester. Being on-site, actually seeing structural concerns rather than reading about them, was entirely different. It was the most exciting day I’d had in months and it renewed my passion for design. Kate and I talked nonstop over lunch about everything from design elements to building department issues. She suggested that I apply for a summer program at The Cooper Union and laid out some ideas for the portfolio I would need to present. As we started getting ready to leave, she said, offhandedly, “Anna, if you’re willing to be in New York for the summer, I’d love to have you on. You could be part-time with me if Cooper Union works out, full-time if it doesn’t”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Don’t you want to, you know, see my work?”

  She smiled at me. “I already have. Anna, with this job and a
baby, I have no time to play tour guide on my job sites. I invited you here today because I’ve already seen your freehand work. I had Dylan bring some of your sketchbooks over. I want you with us this summer because you have talent. Also, I do think you’ll learn a hell of a lot more with us than you would with some stuffy firm perched high atop the city in some lofty office building. Being on-site all the time, seeing how the plans we draw come to life through the construction phase, is really learning. It will be a true working experience for you. Think about it.”

  “I will, I mean…I have. If you’re serious then I want it.”

  “Great. So get to work on that portfolio. Don’t be too disappointed if you don’t get it, Anna. I got accepted entering my senior year. There were some younger students there but it was mostly upperclassmen. It’s definitely worth a shot though.” She looked at her watch then. “Oh, crap, it’s three-thirty. I’ve got to run, Anna. Darcy’s had Rebecca and James all day, she’s probably exhausted.”

  She handed me a card with her cell phone number scribbled alongside the firm’s number and email address, and then she was out the door. I sat there for another fifteen minutes, basking in the feeling of being excited for the future and feeling proud. Kate had seen my sketches and she believed I had talent. That type of validation made me swell with pride and happiness.

  I spent every day between Christmas and New Year’s researching the requirements for the summer program online and trying to get an idea of what to include in the portfolio that would accompany my application. I decided on one urban design that would incorporate landscape, transportation and urban renewal elements into the plan, one floor plan for a home that focused on sustainability, and then one design that I hoped would make me stand out. I decided on using the plans I had drawn two years ago for the interior cabin of a sailboat Uncle Vince was having built for Dylan. The original design was pretty amateur, but using what I knew now, I spent a week revamping it. I had until February first to submit my application, so I had my work cut out for me if I was going to have most of the work completed before returning to school.

  With the exception of New Year’s Eve, I spent every day during the rest of the break locked in my room, working. I stood firm when Margot and Vince tried to strong arm me into coming down to Palm Beach for a week. I’d done that once before and hob knobbing with a bunch of entitled prep school brats, I’d decided, was not for me. Margot relented, only because she could see that I was hard at work and excited about this project, rather than sitting at home wallowing in despair. Instead, she arranged for a very swanky dinner to be served on New Year’s Eve. I invited some old friends and all of my dorm mates who lived within a reasonable distance to come spend the night with me.

  It wound up being Fiona, Danielle, Colleen, Lauren and her sister, Laney. Laney had just received her early admission notice and begged her sister to tag along so that she’d know a few faces on campus next year.

  My two closest friends from high school, Sarah Donnelly and Chloe Barnes also came. They were both at NYU, rooming together freshman year. I remembered feeling that I might have made a mistake last summer, deciding to come to Boston alone. I had come to rely on Jonathan and my girlfriends so much that I worried I’d be unable to cope without them. Had it been a rough couple of months? At times, yes, but I’d also had so many great moments. Looking around the room, I was thankful for all the new friends I now had, friends I might not have made if I didn’t branch out on my own and take a risk.

  I had briefly considered inviting Victoria because she lived only a few towns over, but I didn’t. I was feeling better and I knew I had to just give the whole Declan thing a rest. At this point, it was just better if I didn’t have any more reminders of him or of that last day with him.

  It wound up being a mellow but fun New Year’s Eve. There was a lot of champagne and a lot of laughs. Sarah and Chloe really hit it off with the girls, which made me happy. They made plans to come up for a visit this spring.

  Dylan called me ten minutes before the ball dropped and Vince and Margot checked in a little after midnight. Jeremy and Carolyn had stopped by that morning to hang out for a while before leaving for his ski house. Jonathan and I had spoken and I was happy to hear that everything was going well with him…and his new girlfriend. Even my mother called, with a steel drum band playing in the background, to tell me that she loved me. I stopped for a moment at some point that night and thought to myself that, despite everything, I had a lot to be thankful for.

  Chapter Eight

  Declan

  The scouts were at UMass, the scouts were at the Harvard game, the scouts were there at our rematch with UNH. Coach called me over after every game. Even though I knew what his opinion was on going pro early, he gave me the courtesy of every opportunity that was coming my way.

  It was a little overwhelming, being told how great you were, having them compare you to some of the people you’d idolized your entire life. To be told you dodge checks like Gretsky or can put the puck in the net like Robitielle, LaFleur and Hull, it’s hard to keep your head on straight. Coach was good at being the voice of reason, though. He’d ream my ass at practice, calling me out for every misstep. I didn’t resent it because he knew how to balance the criticism with encouragement and I knew that in him, I had a true source of support.

  Our last game before classes started back up was at U Maine, a sort of homecoming for me. My father and Diana were coming, Diana’s younger son was going to be there, as a U Maine student rooting against me I’m sure. Half of my hometown had tickets, from what I’d heard.

  Fiona had even texted me that day, wishing me good luck and warning me not to let her down. We sent a few exchanges but I held back from asking about Anna. Every time she came to mind, and it was often, there was a flash of pain. Seeing Fiona’s name on my screen brought on that same ache but it also gave me some hope; if her best friend wasn’t cutting me off entirely then maybe Anna hadn’t closed the book on me.

  That night was one of those magical nights. The moment I stepped out onto the ice, I felt this aura, like I was in an entirely different zone. Focused, able to communicate without saying a word to my teammates…leading them. Skating so fast and so hard that my lungs burned. And while the tenderness I’d been battling in my hammy stung, I never once felt fatigue. Maine was playing to kill and I felt their goons breathing down my neck every minute I was out there, but I was unstoppable that night.

  The hat trick was mine, the crowd was behind me, and I owned the night.

  It’s an odd feeling, being the center of something, everyone wanting a piece of you. The locker room was mayhem; the teammates that had become my family all high on the adrenaline of an unexpected win. We had not only beaten Maine, we’d thrashed them, embarrassed them on their home turf.

  Exiting the locker room, I was mobbed with well-wishers. My dad stood off to the side with Diana while I fielded back slaps and words of congratulations from high school friends and the other guys from my neighborhood, ages twenty to seventy, people who lived and breathed hockey. And then there were the girls; girls from my high school, random girls from UMaine, also Paige and a few of her hometown friends, who had traveled all the way from Concord. I knew Fiona was there with her brother and few other people but she didn’t stick around, just texted me one simple word: perfection.

  I was glad Fiona hadn’t stuck around to see this spectacle because the scene outside the locker room and especially the scene at the house party thrown by my teammate, Jamie Bertrand, was borderline lewd. Every person was passing me shots and the beers were flowing. At midnight I’d decided to rein myself in so that the night didn’t get away from me. I was glad that I did. I turned out to be the one babysitting a few of them, stopping Brandon from being dragged into a basement room with some overly-made up townie and her friend, and stopping Paige from leaving with some random douchebag. And that was after I’d stopped her from forcibly trying to undo my pants and give me a hand job in the middle of the crowded living
room. It was that kind of party.

  Warner, oh captain my captain, plopped down next to me at one point, handing me a beer. “This is what it’s going to be like, Banks. Get used to it.”

  “What’s that?”

  “The pros. Crazy. Every night. On the road, the women, the adoring fans…it gets crazy.”

  “What are you planning to do next year, Warner?”

  “I’ve got feelers out, got an agent and all, but I’m not entirely confident at this point. I have an all or nothing attitude about it, though, you know? I don’t want some mid-level league experience like the ECHL. I’d maybe play in Europe for a year or two but if I’m in the states and it’s not NHL, then I’m out of this game.”

  “Yeah? You could walk away?”

  “Declan, I have a three-point-eight GPA. I’m a finance major graduating from one of the best undergraduate business programs in the country. I don’t see working for some Wall Street firm making a shit load of money as something bad, do you?”

  I had heard Warner was brilliant, with some kind of encyclopedic memory, but managing a three-eight with our schedule was really impressive. He put my first semester, hard won two-nine to shame. “No, I guess not.”

  “Me neither, but I will miss it. I’ll miss being on the ice at five in the morning, that peaceful time when no one else is at the rink yet. I’ll miss the feeling of robbing some guy of the puck, the breakaways, the sound the puck makes when it slaps off my stick. And I’ll miss all of you guys, feeling like I’m the leader of something that’s important, you know?”

  I nodded. “I don’t know what to do, Warner.”

  “You’re different. I don’t know what I’d do if I were in your shoes either. Smart says mature, get more size, develop more as a player, and get yourself a four-year degree to fall back on. But you’ve got the big guys calling on you. You’re not going to be living in motels traveling through the shit leagues. They want you at the show. The money will be there now.”