Broken

by Christina Leigh Pritchard

it’s funny how much I want us to be one

  but never hear you say I’m hot

  it’s funny how much I love your smile

  but how seldom you use it

  it’s funny how I hate your style

  but that makes you lit

  it’s funny how much I need you in my life

  but am petrified to ask if you’d like me as your wife.

  ________________

  Indecision

  I try so hard to be your friend

  But you keep pushing me aside

  Whether I stay or leave will depend

  On if you make me want to hide

  Away my emotions from you

  Or bottle up my fears

  Cause this thing you do

  Makes me want to shed tears

  And run from before your face

  The rejection is more than spite

  Feels like being sprayed with mace

  And the stinging in my eyes ruins my sight

  Makes me blind to this abuse

  That I am going through

  Please stop this thing you do.

  ________________

  unable

  I just wanted you to hold my hand

  But you’d pull away

  I wanted a hug but you just shoved me in the sand

  “I love you too” is what I hoped you’d say

  but never heard it said back

  I tried telling you how I feel

  you responded with a verbal attack

  Now with others I don’t know how to deal

  Or know whom I should trust.

  You’ve ruined my life

  Thanks to you I’m unable to feel.

  ________________

  You keep telling me to keep it up

  that I do so well with taking care of them

  But it’s you we should be thinking about.

  I hate not knowing what to say to you

  And when the words are at the edge of my lips,

  I freeze and want to shout

  Cause it’s causing me so much pain

  To not burst into tears

  And tell you how much you mean to me

  How you made me feel like I was special when

  I thought I was worthless

  I keep wanting to buy you chocolate but

  You can’t eat it anymore

  I want to cry every time I pass it in the store

  I hate seeing you lying there

  I hate hearing the stupid gossip

  That some of your family doesn’t care

  I saw them crying

  I don’t know what to say to your son

  It hurts to see him cry

  It is killing me to watch kier cry too

  I wish I was the one

  In the bed about to die

  So that they could all still have you

  ________________

  Cup

  burning eyes

  holding in my pain

  why did she have to tell so many lies

  and what did he have to gain

  by leading me on

  when she was what he really wanted

  but now that my happiness is gone

  and each time he smiles I am taunted

  by the fact

  that my best friend

  used me

  betrayed our pact

  and into misery did send

  my life to a bloody sea

  infested with lies

  swarming with deceit

  filled with painful cries

  and him ready to eat

  all of us up

  but he'll never drink

  out of my cup.

  ________________

  TIME

  bad vibes

  race through me

  my feelings it bribes

  with what could be

  I just stare blank

  at my worst fears

  falling off a plank

  plunging into a sea of tears

  from my own face

  so many things

  could make me a disgrace

  time is what my heart sings

  ________________

  would it be alright?

  would it be alright to cry?

  I want to

  maybe then your words wouldn't

  make me wish to die

  are your intentions true?

  if yes

  then you'd be amazed at all I'd do

  and what I'd confess

  but if not

  then nothing for you

  is what I got.

  ________________

  Maybe

  maybe they will admit it

  before they're gone

  maybe their hearts will beat

  before a fire is lit

  and the electricity turned on

  for the anger it will eat up

  all those you love

  or at least numb all senses

  ________________

  May Become

  you died last night

  but I don't care

  out of mind out of sight

  I wouldn't dare

  miss your nasty bite

  I will just hatefully stare

  at your corpse with fright

  of what I may become

  ________________

  Break

  last night our eyes gently met

  while I watched your lips move

  I kept wondering why my stomach felt so upset

  Whenever you’d touch me

  Every time you’d smile I got weak in the knees

  Yet I don’t want to submit to you

  Cause each time the guy leaves

  You’re no different No telling what you’ll do

  I want to avoid the feelings creeping into my heart

  Cause you love her

  and this is tearing me a part.

  ________________

  why do I always seem to let you hurt me?

  ________________

  THE OATH

  I have a soft spot for them both

  But neither loves me back

  So I made today an oath

  To tie up my heart and never it unpack

  For guys as ruthless as them.

  Cause last night I learned they could be so cruel

  I hate how over me they rule

  But at least one tried to make my heart calm

  And sometimes I want to be his

  But he’ll never grasp my palm

  Or feel that I am all there is

  And there is more distance between us

  than I would ever admit upon paper

  so I will not fuss

  or get jealous

  cause I know that somewhere

  there is another

  who about me will care.

  ________________

  Smile

  you smile

  but I give you the cold shoulder

  you've been trying for a while

  but I seem to just get colder

  I look your way

  and meet your eyes

  then I don't know what to say

  without dropping my disguise

  exposing my fear

  and risking humiliation

  into a puddle of misery I peer

  for I cause so much aggravation

  making it seem like rejection

  when actually you've given my heart

  this awful infection

  that from me will not part

  I can't get you out

  from within me

  makes me want to shout

  if only you could see

  that it's not you

  I'm just scared

  and don't know what to do

  ________________

  Stars

  the waves hit the shore

  while I sit alone

  watching the one I adore

  unopened chairs

  litter the bea
ch

  letting all my cares

  float out of reach

  so many things

  stars can say

  without mouths

  yet under them we lay

  ________________

  gray skies

  over-grown weeds

  anger slowly dies

  and I think of deeds

  that may one day have fulfillment

  if you’re willing to stay

  yes will you wait

  for my heart to wash up to shore?

  or will I slowly become a bore?

  for city lights

  fast cars

  cloud your sight

  and you cannot see

  these bars

  holding me back

  from coming to you

  ________________

  Rocky Cliff

  I want to live in a house

  on a rocky cliff

  to always remind me of

  what it is I do

  I keep myself on edge

  hanging onto my deepest fears

  but if I were to let go

  fall into this abyss

  maybe I'd find eternal happiness

  if I get caught under a wave

  down I'll go

  knowing all I crave

  was given the answer no

  ________________

  I listen to you jabber

  in the distance

  you wondering if

  you should grab her

  but in just an instance

  the tide rises

  yes now you see

  the world has many surprises

  ________________

  a blanket of blue

  takes you to a sparkling light

  maybe there is a person

  filled with love

  waiting for me to find my way

  but as I look above

  at all the stars

  I know I must pay

  the price

  for loving a fool

  who in the end

  I will treat so cruel

  ________________

  with all the messages I send

  still I don't receive a reply

  Can someone open my bottle?

  or will I be alone

  as I say goodbye?

  ________________

  the drums play

  in the distance

  for any to hear

  clapping and laughter

  fill your ear

  but all at this party

  will be crying after

  they return home

  smelling of Bacardi

  doesn't anyone see

  the pain they numb?

  why must it be

  that all of us are so dumb?

  for if we knew where we stood

  we'd surely know

  exactly what we are to do

  ________________

  you stole my heart

  I'm floating on a wave

  but soon we will part

  two roads we pave

  shall we meet?

  this you must decide

  if so for me this would be defeat

  which is okay

  for I want to be with someone

  forever starting today

  ________________

  Maybe…

  Maybe I'll admit how I feel

  before your gone

  might even allow you to touch my heart

  may even let you turn me on…

  Or should I go numb?

  for my electricity I'd like you to start

  only you can fulfill my desire

  but I dread the thought we may part

  leaving behind this fire

  that burns through my flesh

  melting the ice around my heart

  leaving me heartless

  like globs of paint disguised as art

  is my emotions

  phony

  that's what I've become

  for hiding from pleasure is what I do

  fearsome

  of not being accepted by you

  ________________

  Dream

  This is a Dream

  Nights were restless

  Days painful to the eyes

  Felt as if life were just some big mess

  Of hateful pranks and lies

  Empty and rejected

  Afraid that I did not deserve to be loved

  When I met you this is also what I expected

  But you came at me with open arms

  And made me feel safe and wanted

  Sometimes I get scared

  That this is a dream

  And I will awake to emptiness and scream

  For you to come back

  But find you gone

  So I hold off from you just enough

  To allow myself to move on

  And it not be so tough.

  ________________

  like a dark blue

  my emotions are

  how I feel about you

  like an ugly scar

  you stick to my skin

  confusing me

  destroying me deep within

  ________________

  ________________

  what am I to do?

  Should I stay here with you?

  Your motives are unclear

  and when I see you with her

  I become full of fear

  Are you screwing with my heart?

  Or do you really want me near?

  ________________

  Thought…

  Just like I thought

  you pursue

  till what you're after gets caught

  they no longer matter to you

  well now I'm in your snare

  tangled and trapped

  but do you care?

  my life line just snapped

  look at me fall

  hitting rock bottom

  you never cared for me at all

  but look here I come

  wishing I could get you back

  but know how much pain

  I'll feel when you retreat from your attack.

  ________________

  I knew better

  they always leave

  they just want to see if they can "get her"

  so their motives deceive

  your heart

  and make you wonder

  if one day you'll just fall apart

  and melt under

  the very ground you walk upon

  never uttering another audible sound.

  ________________

  I know you love me

  you know I love you

  What would I be—or even do

  without you in my life?

  ________________

  I Wake

  I wake

  my thoughts on you

  I ache

  your words make the pain untrue

  I cry

  your shoulder I see

  Why?

  Do you always take care of me?

  ________________

  Snake

  You’re a snake

  slithering round me

  my innocence you wish to take

  you look so guilty

  standing there

  watching my every movement

  I feel your evil stare

  I’m so spent

  trying to impress you

  and realize how content

  my life is without you

  but somehow thoughts still linger

  in my mind

  so I will just turn off the ringer

  and hide behind these walls

  where nothing can touch me

  ________________

  Mine

  i am not sure why

  feelings creep up my spine

  whenever I see this guy

  Seems like I just want to make him mine

  but he is so—so
much like the moon

  always changing

  makes me hide inside this cocoon

  why can't he just be nice?

  why can't he just be a man?

  why does his heart feel like ice?

  why can't he just be a man?

  a moon changing always

  makes you wonder

  if he'll really stay

  but his spell I’m already under

  why can't he just be gentle?

  why can't he just touch me right?

  why does he seem mental?

  why can't he just touch me right?

  a thousand warnings I have heard

  but just sounds like nothing

  only chirpings from a bird

  for me he is what they sing

  I want him

  but then again I’m not sure

  Am I just another whim?

  A true talk this would cure

  but he won't be a man

  I’m too afraid to go to him

  but writing my fears that I can

  accomplish with the lights dim

  why can't he just be a man?

  why can't he just say he wants me?

  does he?

  This stupid moon

  turning me crazy

  into a baboon

  you are so lazy

  just tell me

  just tell me

  ________________

  he told me

  he does not want to be my man

  I am fearlessly

  going to do all I can

  to stay away from him

  He keeps checking the time

  I must be rather dull

  so being with him is thus a crime

  for anyone who will not be a man

  is not worthy of my touch

  feelings I shall avoid

  so his lies won't hurt so much.