Please Don't Tell My Parents I've Got Henchmen

by Richard Roberts

  All of a sudden she screamed, “I'm going to rip out your heart!” and slammed her fist into the target. Blackness rippled, leaving slices cut through the fabric when vision returned. Everybody on the playground turned to look.

  The meter didn't go as high as Sharky's punch, but it got close, about to my shoulder level and well into the orange.

  “Anyone else want to try? I know a few of you have super strength. No? Then we'll show off the top end. Cat, if you would?” said Bull. He straightened up, and waved an arm in gentlemanly invitation.

  She floated up in front of the target, and settled on her feet. The look she gave him was downright scared.

  “Don't be shy, Cat, my little girl. Give it all you've got,” he said soothingly.

  Wincing, maybe in pain from memories of years of public taunting from people like Marcia and Sue, Claudia pulled her fist back and drove it into the target.

  Metal screamed. The machine bent in the middle, ripped off the ground with large chunks of asphalt stuck to the bolts, and tumbled end-over-end across the court until it came to rest in a mangled heap.

  The holes in the ground made me look at Claudia's feet, which had sunk at least an inch into the blacktop, not by ripping it up, but just compression.

  Bull nodded philosophically. “That's what happens when I try to use one, myself.”

  Cheers and applause sprang up. Marcia sniffled, wiped tears out of her eyes, and clapped Claudia on the shoulder. “Beautiful.”

  Teddy got a lot of respect for filling the holes in the ground with his power, and watching Claire and Marcia stay upright, dodging spinning arms on the demonic merry-go-round in an agility competition was cool, but the strength test was definitely the excitement high point of the day.

  ower testing was the excitement high point of the rest of the semester, in fact. I didn't mind. School itself was taking up a lot of my attention. I had to get tip top grades on all my homework and quizzes if I wanted to be sure of the As that kept my dad from disappointment. That meant particularly close focus on my essays. Claire was in the same boat, and probably in deeper water, although it's not like she was any less smart than me at anything except math, where she was merely great.

  There would be time for villainy when summer started. I still had no confidence that we wouldn't get followed if we tried again during the school year. Cassie certainly hadn't let up trying to get me alone.

  I got away from that in the most embarrassing way possible. One day everyone left English class for lunch, and Mrs. Harpy left as well, on whatever mysterious errands teachers have. Claire had to hurry so that she could be fashionably late to the cafeteria. With no planning, Ray and I were alone in the room, more alone than anyone ever gets to be in school.

  It's not like we threw ourselves at each other. Ray drifted up to me, and we stood there for a second, arm to arm and hip to hip, feeling awkward but liking it.

  He leaned his head towards mine, and whispered, “I may not want to be a villain long term, but if you and Claire desire, I will happily rejoin the Inscrutable Machine after school is out. I miss the fun the three of us have.”

  “And I'd like a little more time, just the two of us,” I whispered back.

  It was the sappiest of sappy moments, and the kiss that followed was the kind of quick peck on the lips I wouldn't be horrified to give my grandmother. My pounding heart couldn't have managed anything more during school hours. It lasted half a second, tops.

  The exact half a second Cassie walked back into the classroom.

  Her head stuck in through the partly open door, she said, “Pe- woah. Sorry. Go back to what you were doing, please.”

  She ducked out again, and Ray and I had to spend a good sixty seconds standing silently in shame before we could even consider going out into the hall.

  Mortifying as that was, Cassie's attempts to pigeonhole me ended abruptly. When my best friends and I went out that weekend on a normal kids' fun outing to Melrose, no one stalked us.

  I liked that trip for the same thing that kept me from getting super crazy bored with the last couple of weeks of school. Doing normal things wasn't normal anymore. We went back to the comic book store, and the supervillain statues were people I knew. Someone had worked fast, and there was a statue of Bull sitting down next to Claudia, with his hand on her head. The likeness was not great, but Ray, Claire, and I had a spirited discussion of whether the seller was getting dangerously close to drawing the ire of the community with a reference to Bull's private life.

  There was an Inscrutable Machine Compendium on the shelves. For some reason, I just couldn't look at it, but Ray and Claire thought it was hilarious. Instead, I dug in the back issues, and found an old, old one for Goodnight. It was Bull's wife Irene, alright. There were even photos of the two of them together. Their rivalry was as big a topic as Gabriel and Lucyfar's, but nobody had clued in that they were romantically involved. She looked exactly the same in all of the photos as she did now, just in different gear and a variety of colors to match any occasion.

  We ate at that burger place without a sign nearby, and as we sat down with our food, Claire's phone buzzed at her.

  She didn't have it set to make noises for much, and even she had her eyebrows raised in curiosity when she pulled it out. “What could be so important as to- oh, you guys. Come here, quick.”

  So we crowded around her, and on the little bitty screen watched a news anchor presenting wobbly video of a badly lit tunnel, and at the end of it, Bull and Claudia beating chips out of the wall like living jackhammers. Some of those chips were as big as Claudia herself.

  The tiny, tinny voice of the anchorman said, “…confirmed as the retired supervillain Bull, at one point believed to be the strongest person in the world. The teenager's identity is unknown. We apologize for lack of on-site commentary, but the noise is overwhelming our microphones. What we know is that Bull arrived with the girl at the construction site of the in-progress Pink Line, and asked permission to help with the digging. The police are saying that since the two seem to be performing a public service, they will not get involved, but cannot rule out a superhero showing up to bring in a wanted man like Bull.”

  She turned off the sound again, and we watched Bull and Claudia on what had to be the most unique father-daughter outing in human history. It was hard to tell from the bad video, but they seemed happy.

  Stuff like that got me through the last couple of weeks of May, with its tests, and more tests, and still more tests. The same itchy feeling that drove me to Jupiter was back, but I just had to stick it out a few more days. No way was I making forcing the school to call the semester off early a habit.

  On the very, very last day, when Ray didn't show up to Geometry after lunch, it wasn't exactly surprising. Our tests were done. As a matter of pride I wasn't about to play hooky, but if he did, it was none of my business.

  It was catching. Cassie wasn't in last period computer class. That class was a perfect way to wrap up the school year, showing off the little game I'd made, entirely without my super power, where a little X in a window hopped over rolling Os.

  About ten minutes before class ended, a teacher I didn't know came in with a cart full of boxes. While she laid them out on his desk, Mr. Geisser said, “Boys and girls, I've enjoyed our semester together, and I have one more thing for you before you go. With the permission of the school district, our school has collected these pamphlets for various summer workshops, clubs, and camps in the LA area. Since a number of children have decided to be open about their super powers this year, we've included brochures for super powered options.” Dropping into the informal, he sat on the edge of his desk and gave us a bit of a sly smirk. “Those of you with no powers, I suggest you take a look, anyway. Some of the super powered camps take regular humans, because that kid who can breathe water in your brother's class has the same limitations as the rest of us in every other way.”

  Tesla's finger-against-the-nose pose! Kids jumped at those boxes like attacking hye
nas. I had to fight to make sure I got at least one of most of them. Ray and Cassie were going to regret skipping out early, which was probably why the teachers did this at the very last minute.

  The class liked the pamphlets so much, not everybody ran out the moment the final bell rang.

  Summer vacation!

  HA!

  Time to hook up with Claire, find out where Ray went, and waste our afternoon, but in a totally free way, until it was time to call my mom for a pickup.

  Ray and Claire were not outside. Well, it might have taken them some time to make sure they'd cleared out their desks and lockers. I waited until the rush turned into a trickle.

  They did not arrive.

  We had not actually technically made arrangements. I'd just assumed we'd get together. It was a pretty safe assumption, usually.

  I sent a text to Claire. It only said 'delivered,' not 'read.'

  Maybe they were at the club? Somebody might be hanging around there, and Claire and Ray were way more into the tournament than I was. They had to be, Claire was keeping score.

  I strolled around onto the playground. Bingo! I didn't see my closest compadres, but a bunch of kids were hovering around the fence, watching Marcia and Charlotte go at it.

  They were much, much better than I remembered. When Charlotte sent beads under Marcia's foot, she stomped down, shattering some of the beads and sending others flying around. Before they could reassemble, she leaped forward, throwing one of her crazy punches.

  Charlotte had also improved. She moved like a marionette, dark and angular, but floating on skates made of beads, changing directions in the blink of an eye so that Marcia flew past her.

  Instead of overcommitting and falling over, Marcia threw another punch, and another, turning and lunging several times in sharp succession. Even growlingly angry, she had picked up some control.

  Approaching cautiously, a mixture of feeling sheepish and not wanting to get hit, I said, “I hate to interrupt the finals…”

  They stopped in an eye blink. Charlotte spun upright, and Marcia's rage disappeared. The former rolled up to me next to the latter, shaking her braids. “These? The finals? There's at least half a dozen fights to go. We'll have to get to them in the fall.”

  Marcia shrugged. “Some of the kids are upset. Sue thinks I was robbed. But we're the two top contenders, and we had fun getting here, so who cares?”

  Similar disappointment betrayed itself in the kids around the fence. With the fight off, they drifted away.

  “Have you two seen Ray and Claire? Ray disappeared right after lunch, and now Claire isn't answering her phone.” I checked again. Nothing. I sent her another quick 'Where are you?' text, and one to Ray. Zip.

  Jacky flowed up. She had on a blouse and skirt, but other than that wasn't pretending to look human today. Her legs melded together into a puddle that flowed along the ground. Having seen that translucent face close up many times, now, I could tell she looked worried before I heard it in her voice. “Have any of you seen Barbara? She gave me this, and then disappeared. I turned my head, and she was gone. We had plans.”

  We looked down at the sheet of looseleaf paper she held out. I unfolded it, and together we read:

  We have Reviled. If you want him back, Bad Penny will have to fight us.

  I grooooooaned, slapping a hand to my forehead. Well, they finally got me.

  “That doesn't seem like Barbara at all. That seems like the exact opposite of Barbara,” said Marcia.

  Charlotte tilted her eyebrows at a confused angle. “Isn't this getting personal?”

  Her short black hair bouncing, Marcia waggled her head from side to side, and did the same with one hand. “Holding a teammate hostage is fine, especially for a fight. Kidnapping him in his civilian identity might be personal, but they know she won't complain. Things get weird around the edges. My father is always complaining about it, but I've yet to find anything he doesn't have a deranged, hateful opinion about.”

  I leaned back reflexively from her sudden bared-teeth grimace and clenched, shaking fist. Criminy. There were still no shortage of personal issues in need of fixing among my classmates, that was clear.

  Claudia walked up to us, as quiet and mild-looking as ever, and looked over my shoulder at the letter. She sighed, the kind of disappointed sigh that would stick knives of guilt into my gut, if I heard it from my parents. “I'll handle this.”

  I jerked the letter away. “What? No.”

  Claudia just blinked at me, dark eyes unreadable.

  Some guilt jabbed at me being harsh to Claudia even for her own good, but I turned and gave her the one-fist-on-my-hip pose anyway. “You don't want to do this, and it's not your fight, so don't. Where's Bull?”

  She took a half-step back, and pointed a finger meekly off to the West. “At the beach, renting us a boat.”

  “Ooh, for what?” asked Marcia, all eager curiosity.

  “Well, I… I like animals, and he's too heavy to swim, so we were going to go out on a boat, and I would scoop sharks and whatever else I could find out of the water, and we would… would look at them and throw them back.” She stammered it out like she was admitting to murder, eyes darting around.

  “Ooh, now I wish I could come,” said Marcia.

  Claudia fumbled in her pocket. She was wearing the kind of loose shorts that wouldn't be too hard to dry out after flying around underwater, in a deep tan color not much different from her skin. Old habits die hard, and Claudia's colors always made her blend. “I'll tell my father that I'll be delayed a half hour. I'm the judge. This is what I signed on to stop.”

  I reached out, slowly so as not to spook her, and laid a hand on her shoulder. Looking directly into her eyes, and hoping she didn't have laser vision I hadn't heard about yet, I said, “It really is fine. I give you permission. Just go, and don't look back.”

  She did. I had regular reminders of how strong Claudia was, but only occasionally did I get to see how fast. She disappeared from under my hand so suddenly, I had to look around to spot the rapidly shrinking dot she'd become in the sky.

  Having thrown away the incredibly easy solution to my problems, I turned back to Charlotte and Marcia. “Which is not to say I couldn't use help. My supervillain teammates are out of action. It looks like I could use superhero teammates for a rescue mission.”

  Marcia gaped at me. For a moment, the old her was back, sassy and sarcastic stare, prima donna pose with one leg off to the side. “Oh, please. Are you asking me to help you save your boyfriend? Because I am in. I am so in. I could not be more in. Let's do this.” She wrapped her arms around herself and shivered in ecstasy.

  My expression probably mirrored Charlotte's.

  She leaned just a little away from Marcia, fighting down the creeped out stare, which resulted from witnessing one of Marcia's crazy fits. Just like me, she'd seen too many of them, and how stable Marcia mostly behaved, even when she didn't look and sound like it. Pushing the creepiness aside, she set her face stiff and serious, and lowered her head. “Thank you for this chance, Penelope. Fighting was always just a tool to save people. Tell me where to go, and I will go.”

  “Isn't that obvious?”

  assie, Teddy, Laverne, Sue, Olga, and Rocky all stood in the big domed room of my old base, watching the elevator expectantly. Cassie looked triumphant, almost manic. Crawling shadows covered Sue, hiding her expression. Rocky, of all things, had a full suit of power armor made of water-filled glass tubes. The kid was actually pretty good. It was probably not as ridiculous as it looked.

  Ray stood by the back wall, eyes zoned out, wobbling in place. Barbara sat next to him. Her eyes kept changing color, and bloody red tear stains touched the edges of them. More red stains marred her nostrils. Her elaborately dyed hair, usually shiny and carefully combed, hung limp and messy. Her black lipstick was also smudged, but that was because she kept kissing the skinny rag doll she held, between pulling out pins and sticking them back in. It had so many pins stuck in that she had troub
le finding spots to kiss.

  She looked like her older sister. That made her, by far, the most dangerous thing here. Hopefully, we were ready for that.

  Barbara didn't react when I walked in from one of the many tunnels leading into this main room. The others did, but I held up a hand to forestall them. “Just a minute. I have to get my things.” Passing right through the middle of them, I went to the footlocker I was using for storage. I tucked Dad's boxing glove gun into my belt, tucked my handcuffs into a pocket, and strapped the flight boxes onto my forearms and ankles.

  “What about your real equipment? Your Bad Penny equipment?” asked Cassie, her air of triumph fading fast.

  “I can't use Bad Penny's gear. I'm the hero here.” The buckles required a lot of fiddling. They had to be completely secure, or trying to fly became a briefly funny and lengthily painful disaster.

  Teddy jerked to attention, stung. “I thought we were the heroes!”

  “Can't be. You kidnapped someone. I'm here to rescue him. That means I'm the hero, and I have to use my hero gear.” That was not one hundred percent true. I had the Push Rod in the back of my belt, and my cursed pennies in my pocket. I was just barely willing to give up my teleport bands for this confrontation, but hero or villain, I had no intention of being beaten in a fair fight.

  Cassie raised her fist, chin lifted in defiance. “Hero, villain, it doesn't matter. Your cohorts in crime avoidance cheated us, and you were in on it! We joined that tournament for a chance to fight the big cheese, and if we'd played by your rules, that cheese would be uneaten. Now we devour it!”

  Between the swirling pipes of his helmet, Rocky looked lost. “What?”

  “No, I liked it,” Laverne told him, giving Cassie an almost inaudible golf clap.

  Teddy pouted. “It does make us sound like villains.”

  I walked all the way back to the tunnel I came in before whirling around, whipping out the Push Rod and extending it to one side. “I've been called Bad Penny. I've been called Penultimate. Those names do not matter. I am Penelope Akk, and you have stolen the man I love from me. So great was your cowardice and perfidy that you needed six of you, six villains, to hope to be able to face my power and my genius. Fools. As if I was the only protector of justice in this school! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!” My voice rang in this domed metal room, and suddenly I knew why the weird little base was like this. Perfect for giving speeches.