by Anna Antonia
One of which was no one else had ever come in my room.
Even the two men I hired to move the old furniture out hadn’t been in here. I’d taken apart the things that couldn’t fit through the door in one piece and left them in the hallway. The cleaning service also wasn’t allowed entry. I took care of dusting and vacuuming.
This place was mine and I was irrationally protective of it. Which was why it was strange I’d been so open to sharing it with Gavin earlier in the night. That was what I was trying to show him before I lost control to my carnal urges.
Gavin’s hazel gaze gleamed amber in the half-light.
“Are you okay, love?”
Dodge. Divert.
“Why do you ask?”
A small line bisected his brows. “Because I woke up and found you gone.”
“I’m sorry. I just couldn’t sleep.”
That answer should’ve satisfied him but it didn’t.
“Is something wrong, Paige? Talk to me.”
I knew how to form the words but they stayed stuck in my throat. My eyes suddenly filled with tears.
I’d never be able to tell Gavin what was wrong. It would stay my secret forever. The utter sadness of my situation bowled me over.
Horror blazed across his face.
“Oh no, love. Did I do something to hurt you again? Is that it? Was I too rough? Fuck, Paige! I’m so sorry! I knew I should’ve let you rest.”
Shaking my head, I swore, “No! You didn’t do anything to hurt me, Gavin. I promise.”
“If not that then what is it?” He reached out for me and then dropped his hand, as if afraid I wouldn’t welcome his touch.
Wiping my face, I shook my head. This wasn’t getting control. This was losing it forever. I had to focus and improve my mask.
“I’m sorry. It’s not anything you did, Gavin. I’m just…unsure…about tonight. Us. I’m sorry.”
It skirted so close to the truth, but the best lies usually did.
Gavin reached out and clasped me in his arms tightly. “Shh, love. Don’t apologize.”
Standing there in his embrace, I closed my eyes and buried my face in his chest. Gavin didn’t attempt to try to make me feel better with words. He simply held me as if he’d happily do it for as long as I needed him.
I knew then I wouldn’t let him go. Not willingly.
Fear of the future loomed over me like a guillotine. All it would take was one slip-up, one false step, and my life would split apart as sure as a sharp blade cutting through flesh.
Once again the specters of Patrick and Melissa came through to haunt me.
I wouldn’t let my relationship with Gavin, however long I had it, turn out to be anything like theirs. I’d be better than my blood and when the time came that Gavin wanted to let me go, I’d accept it with grace and dignity.
I wouldn’t manipulate, threaten, or coerce him into staying with me. I wouldn’t swear he was my life and then set about ruining us both. I wouldn’t promise Heaven and banish us both to Hell instead.
But Gavin would have to be the one to let me go. Not the other way around.
“Are you scared things are going to change, Paige?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Yes.”
“In what way?”
Maybe it was being in my room or maybe it was the soothing tone in his voice, but I found myself confessing a shameful truth.
“I’m afraid you’ll regret this. That you’ll see being with me was a very bad idea. That you’ll end up hating me.”
Gavin inhaled sharply and then let out a normal breath. I wouldn’t have caught it if he wasn’t hugging me.
“How could I ever hate someone as sweet and loving as you, Paige?”
He thought I was a good person. How tragic for me.
For him.
I could’ve asked Gavin a plethora of “What if?” scenarios but it was a waste of time. I already knew this couldn’t last forever. I’d just take what I could get for as long as I could get it.
Just pretend. It’s what you do best.
“I’m sorry I got all weepy.”
“Love, you’ve earned the right to be weepy tonight.” Gavin kissed the top of my head. “Better?”
Looking up at him, I smiled bright. “Much better.”
Still holding me to him with one arm, Gavin smoothed his fingers down my flushed cheek. “Do you want to talk about it some more?”
“Not really.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
Worry heavy in his gaze, Gavin asked softly, “So are we good?”
I squeezed his waist. “Yes. We’re great.”
Gavin brushed his lips across mine once. Then again. “I’m glad to hear that. I didn’t like waking up and not finding you there.”
“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”
“You better not.”
We kissed, passion sparking between us as if we hadn’t already spent half the night in bed. Pressing closer to him, I found it so much easier to feel good about this than feel bad about all the things I’d never be able to have.
Gavin liked me tonight. That needed to be enough for me.
My fingers went for his pants zipper when we broke apart, panting hard against each other’s mouth.
“How can I want you again so badly, Paige? What have you done to me?”
Slipping a hand through his fly, I reached for the smooth hard cock and gave it a stroke. Gavin rewarded me with a moan of pleasure.
“The same thing you’ve done to me I guess. Do you want to go back to bed?”
He groaned and took a step back. “Yes, but I’m not an animal.”
“I like you being an animal.” Greedily, I reached for him again.
Gavin held me off and nipped the side of my neck. “See if you feel the same in the morning.”
His whisper sent a shiver through me. Drugged with desire, I promised, “I won’t mind.”
“Maybe not but I will.” Gavin lifted my roving hand and kissed the knuckles. “You’ve given me so much already, Paige. Let me cherish you.”
How could I deny him a thing? Especially when he said something so beautiful?
Still, I let out an aggrieved sigh. Just for the record. “All right then. We’ll just sleep. No funny business.”
“Cuddling is non-exempt. I plan on doing plenty of that.”
“Oh yeah? And what if cuddling turns into something more?”
Gavin zipped his pants up.
“You’re not fair!” I charged with a crossing of my arms.
He smiled and then looked around him. “What room is this? Is it your office?”
“Sort of.” Shyness flirted with my composure. “It’s my room.”
Gavin wouldn’t understand the significance and I wouldn’t explain.
Looking around him, he gestured towards one wall with his chin. “How many books do you have?”
“2,347 on the shelves. Another 637 boxed up in the closet.”
He didn’t do as much as raise an eyebrow. “And the dolls?”
“80 on display. 45 also boxed up in the closet.”
Gavin walked over to one of the lighted cases and bent down. I could see him studying the row of dolls. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d share the same opinion as my father.
I mentally prepared myself for the criticism when he pointed to a doll on the middle shelf, back corner.
“Tell me about this one.”
“That’s a Bob Mackie. Amethyst Aura. She’s part of ‘The Jewel Essence Collection’.”
“How long have you had her?”
I liked that he didn’t refer to the doll as “it” but rather “her”. A little thing for sure but it meant a lot to me.
“I got her about two years ago.” Joining him, I pointed to the other four dolls sharing the same shelf. “Those also belong to the same collection. They were released in 1997. Each doll represents a gemstone. I have an emerald, sapphire, ruby, and diamond.”
�
��They’re beautiful.”
“I think so too.”
“How about this one?”
Warming up to his questions, I spent the next twenty minutes or so sharing the history of my doll and book collection. Gavin soaked up everything, effortlessly making me feel as if my answers really mattered to him.
It was nice to be able to share and not have to censure much of myself.
Knowing I’d let my enthusiasm run away from me, I attempted to steer back the conversation to be more inclusive.
“Do you collect anything, Gavin?”
“Besides money and technology? No.” He pulled a book off the shelf and flipped it over. “I used to like these robot toys when I was a kid.”
“Transformers?”
“Yeah. I had a couple.” He slid the book back in its place.
Ever-sensitive to the moods around me, I sensed his sudden sadness. Wanting to make it better for Gavin, I struggled for something to say. He turned to me before I could.
“Thank you for showing me your room. I can tell it’s very important to you.”
“It is and you’re welcome.”
He returned my grin before asking, “Are you ready to go back to bed, love?”
I nodded, happily imagining another chance to put to practice all the wonderful things I’d learned tonight, when I remembered his promise to be less of an animal.
Except I like it when we’re animals. No thought. Just feeling.
“What’s that little pout for, Paige? Do you still want to stay up?”
“What? Oh…ah…no.”
Gavin tugged me to him by my hips. He drawled out my name. “Paige, what is it?”
“It’s nothing. Not a big deal. Just that you said we would only sleep tonight and well…”
“Well what?”
“Well, I’m horny.”
He threw his head back and laughed. “I’ve created a monster!”
I stood up on tip-toe and linked my arms around his neck. “Yes, you did! And you should take full responsibility for it!”
Gavin’s tongue licked the seam of my lips before sensuously sliding past them to tease my tongue. “I do. That’s why I’m taking care of you, love, so that way you’ll be ready for me tomorrow night.”
I groaned. “Tomorrow night? I really have to wait that long?”
“Yes, you do. I’ll make it worth your while though.”
“Do you promise?”
“Cross my heart and hope to die.”
I didn’t like his pledge even in jest. Once again I was reminded of how much this man meant to me. How was I going to handle a future without Gavin?
I was terrified to find out.
THIRTY
“Paige, pack your bags.”
I looked up from my computer screen with a smile.
“What for?”
“I’ve got a meeting in New Orleans and you’re coming with me.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.” Gavin stretched his arms. “It’s good to be the boss sometimes, isn’t it?”
“Very good, Mr. Hawthorne. Especially since I get to go on a trip.”
He stuck his tongue out and grinned. “Brat.”
“Only for you.”
I loved how open and relaxed he’d become around me. Gavin hardly seemed like the composed, intense man I met just a few short weeks before. He laughed more often than not and I’d quickly come to understand how much he loved to tease me.
I’d never had as much fun in my entire life as I’d had with Gavin in just the last week.
We were extremely careful to keep our burgeoning relationship out of the office. Professional courtesy dictated our interactions. Although he was friendlier, Gavin still went through periods where he barely spoke to me.
However, I understood his moods much better now.
Gavin resided in his head more often than not. His reaction to any problem was to digest it and work through the parameters in silence. What I’d taken as irritation was extreme focus.
His silence could be a protective shield but it could also be a haven. I loved being invited into that sacred space. I often counted the minutes until I was curled by his side and safe within the silent currents of Gavin’s thoughts.
On the surface, our working relationship stayed the same. I was an efficient little pack animal, tireless and devoted. I never kissed him even when alone in the elevator. I didn’t brush my hand against his. I didn’t do so much as wink at him. I also didn’t grab his butt even though I was so tempted because damn! Gavin looked so good in dress pants.
After work was a different story.
Gavin and I spent every night together since our first. We left the building together, heading out to one fabulous restaurant or another before returning to home. Sometimes it was my apartment. Other times his.
We made love of course. Many, many times.
Gavin taught me so much about pleasure and how to extend it for both of us. It was a truly exceptional education and I never minded getting extra tutoring.
But we also did other things that didn’t involve getting naked or even partially naked.
We talked, watched movies together, and played card games. I learned Gavin was an incredibly patient man in all ways. He didn’t seem to mind teaching me how to play Poker, Blackjack, and even the child’s game of War.
He also never asked me why I didn’t know them either. I appreciated that more than anything.
My father thought games were a waste of time. He believed it would rot my brain and considering how stupid I was, I didn’t need to kill off the few brain cells I had left.
I’d never had to play cards in my interactions with people before now so I never bothered to learn. It was nice to simply do something for its own sake. Not to fit in so I didn’t raise flags about my abnormality. Just for fun.
I suspected he let me win more rounds than I deserved but I was okay with that. It was another example of how good a man Gavin was. He didn’t let petty things like ego influence how he treated me.
He seemed to take as much pleasure in being with me as I did in being with him.
This last week with Gavin was truly the happiest time of my life. Going on a trip with him to New Orleans was simply the cherry on top.
“We can leave tonight and be there in time for dinner. Sounds good?”
“Sounds wonderful. How many nights should I pack for?”
A naughty grin teased his mouth. “I’d say you should keep it light to non-existent for the night.”
I primly turned my head, making sure he could see the anticipation in my gaze. “And how many days?”
“Not including tonight—we’ll be there for two days.”
“Very good. I can be ready in half an hour once I get home.”
“That’s all the time you need?”
“Why? Is that too long?”
Gavin shook his head with a wry crinkle of his mouth. “Not at all.”
I pretended that I wasn’t affected by his reaction. I wasn’t upset with Gavin. Nothing like that. It was just another reminder that I misstepped.
The image I’d constructed here at Axis 3 was that of a woman who required at least two hours to decide what she was going to take and then the careful packing of her selections plus the backups along with the shoes and accessories.
Happiness dulled the edges if you were a liar. I couldn’t afford to be sloppy.
“When should we leave work?”
He consulted his watch. “In about twenty minutes.”
“Okay. I’ll be ready.”
“Great.”
I dropped my smile as soon as he was out of sight. If I wanted to keep this bit of happiness for as long as possible then I had to be more careful. There was the woman I created for Gavin and then there was the real me.
Those two versions could never fully occupy the same space.
***
Gavin picked me up at my place, stowing my three suitcases in the trunk in place of his
driver. He held my hand the whole way during the ride to the airport. His excitement was infectious. I found myself eager to see the Crescent City with Gavin as my tour guide.
“You’ve never been, Paige?”
“No, I haven’t. But I always wanted to go. Everything I’ve ever seen makes it seem so exotic and beautiful.”
“It is. There’s dangerous parts of town you don’t want to find yourself in, but the city’s beauty outweighs the risk of living there.”
“How many times have you gone?”
“I lived there for a few years.”
“Really? When?”
“A long time ago when I was a kid.” Gavin’s smile dimmed before returning. “Tomorrow morning I’ll take you to get beignets. You’ll love them.”
“I can’t wait.”
Leaning my head against his strong shoulder, I discovered another puzzle piece in the history of Gavin Hawthorne. I was positive his years in New Orleans had been spent with Melissa. It wasn’t just the ghost of sadness I caught lurking behind his smile.
Seeing it fit into a fragment of a memory I had. A fight between my father and Gavin’s mother.
“You’d still be in that piece of shit apartment if it wasn’t for me.”
“Maybe, but at least I’d be happy.”
“And you’re not happy here? You’d rather live in fucking New Orleans, is that it? If you can’t appreciate this life I’ve given you then go! I’m not stopping you.”
Strange that Gavin still had fond memories of the place where he lived with his mother considering how she left him. Then again, I knew that for all Melissa’s flaws she had a kind and caring heart.
Maybe Gavin remembered it too.
In a way, I envied his memories. I didn’t have any of my mother. I’d been taken from her when I was less than a week old. Patrick and Melissa were all I knew. Sometimes I wondered if Aricela Winters thought about me or if I was just part of a forgotten life.
Don’t be sad. It’s in the past and that’s where it has to stay.
We drove straight to the private jet hangar when we got to the airport. Gavin kept my hand in his as we got out of the limo. He still kept it when we climbed up the steps to the sleek jet.
“Good evening, Mr. Hawthorne,” a lovely leggy blonde greeted from inside the cabin.
