by Anna Antonia
Breezy laughter, nothing to hint that Gavin nicked too close to the real me.
“I like the idea of going shopping with you.”
“Really? I thought guys hate shopping.”
“We do. You missed the operative key words of ‘with you’, love.”
“Ah. Important words.”
“Very.” He pointed out to a gorgeous two-story house with stately columns. “What do you think of that one?”
“Mmm…”
“I’m not going to offer to buy it for you if you say something nice. It was a one-time deal, Paige.”
“Well, in that case. I like it.”
“But…”
“I like the other one better.”
We continued our walk with Gavin pointing out one house after another. I got so at ease I nearly answered his question automatically when he asked, “Where did you grow up?”
“Haw—” I coughed hard. When I finally drew a clear breath, I said, “Sorry. I swallowed mosquito. What did you ask again?”
“Where did you grow up?”
Shit. I didn’t want to lie—yet again—but I couldn’t take the risk that he wouldn’t eventually put the pieces together if I admitted to Hawaii.
New York was out. Any place in the South was also out because I only passed through there, plus I didn’t have the correct accent. The Midwest was a big nope considering I’d never been—which left me one place.
“California.”
“Really? Whereabouts?”
Of course, he’d want details.
“LA.”
I visited it often enough because Melissa liked to shop on Rodeo Drive. Besides, LA was so big he’d never pinpoint anything to tie me to Hawaii.
“Did you like it?”
“It was fine. Warm. Lots of traffic.”
Gavin laughed. “You sound like an adult describing it. I take it you don’t miss being home much?”
“No. Not a bit.”
“So what about siblings?”
“No. Just me.”
It was challenging enough to invent a life. No way did I need to complicate it further by inventing a whole person like a brother or sister. The fact I even contemplated it said a lot about my moral compass.
“How’d you like being an only child?”
I didn’t.
It was lonely on the best of days and frightening during the other times. There wasn’t anyone to share the burden of growing up with Patrick and Melissa. No one to turn to, no one to comfort and lie to me by saying everything was going to be okay.
It truly wasn’t any wonder I clung to the fantasy of Gavin as a teenager.
“It was great. I got all the attention and didn’t have to share,” I lied smoothly.
“Holidays must’ve been fun knowing all those presents were yours.”
“Sure was.”
Wasn’t.
My father didn’t hold a lot of stock in holidays. At least not when it came to me. Melissa’s gifts overflowed the tree and then there was the private holiday trip they took every year.
Although if it wasn’t for Melissa, I would’ve went without. But I never went without hearing Patrick complain about how I didn’t deserve my gifts since I failed in some way or another.
The holidays were nothing nice for me.
“What about you, Gavin? Do you have any other brothers or sisters?”
“No. Just Adrian.”
“Are you close?”
“Not particularly.” He paused and then added, “I mean, we got along fine. No grudges or fights. It’s just he’s older than I am so that probably put a wedge from the beginning.”
I didn’t want Gavin to feel melancholy or regret sharing about his life with me. The best way to avoid that was to change the subject.
Inhaling deeply, I let out a happy sigh. “It’s so pretty, Gavin.”
He smiled, eyes brightening as he looked around us.
I could smell the dirt, the living green canopy above, and all the vines trailing over garden walls. It was a testament to the strength of the city. War, fever, and flooding had done its best to tear this place apart. But the trees still stood and the flowers still bloomed.
I’d like to think one day I could be as resilient as them.
“Don’t you just love it here? Look at all this! I can even smell the flowers in the air. Thank you so much for bringing me with you.”
“You’re sweet, love, but no thanks are necessary.”
“That’s why I like you, Gavin. You’re just so nice.”
“Nice, huh? That’s usually not a word used to describe me.”
“Now I don’t believe that.”
“That’s because you’re you.” Gavin swung my hand between us. “Aren’t you going to ask what I like about you?”
“Uh, sure.” I tried to sound upbeat and confident.
“Never mind the fact you’re incredibly beautiful and you dress like a dream, I love how strong you are. You don’t take any of my shit. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around you out of fear I’ll accidentally hurt your feelings.”
It was clear to me that every single word was meant as praise. Too bad the person he admired didn’t really exist.
I was extremely sensitive and hardly strong. While I enjoyed my clothes in the same way a child enjoyed dress-up, those outfits weren’t me. I was a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal.
So this was yet another bit of proof the woman he enjoyed wasn’t really me. I didn’t have the luxury of sadness since I created this problem myself.
Yet, I still feel sad. Would he ever like me if he got a chance to know the real me?
Gavin wasn’t finished.
“I admire you, Paige. You make me feel normal.”
“Normal? Me?”
“Yes. Normal. You. I don’t feel like I have to worry about you seeing my worst and judging me poorly for it. You know how I am and you still stay.”
This time my smile was genuine.
“You’re my favorite person, Gavin. Really. And your worst is still so good. You have no idea.”
“That’s not how I heard it.”
“Well, then you heard wrong.”
Gavin slung his arm around my shoulders. “Are you sure I can’t buy you that house?”
“Positive.” I poked him in the side. “But maybe one day I’ll invite you over for lemonade after I get settled in.”
He leaned down and kissed my cheek. “You’re just about the sweetest girl I’ve ever met.”
I smiled, wondering if what wasn’t true now might be true later.
THIRTY-FOUR
It was my last week at Axis 3.
I tried not to get mopey about it. I knew the end before I began. I also didn’t harbor any hopes or ambition to displace Caroline. So really there was no reason to dread the end of each day or count it off as I did.
“Today’s my last Monday.”
“Today’s my last Tuesday.”
“Today’s my last Wednesday.”
It wasn’t all that bad. Gavin seemed to dread the end date as much as I did. We spent the entire week at his place instead of going to mine. He encouraged me to leave my clothes and things by saying, “It’s not like I don’t have plenty of room.”
I resisted for a day. It wasn’t that much of a hardship to get me to bend, especially when Gavin encouraged me with kisses all along my naked back.
I knew better than to think we were getting really serious. But it was harder and harder not to let myself daydream. What if this was real? If it was then it looked like Gavin didn’t just see me as a pleasurable diversion.
What if he liked me too?
To hell with later. I was too happy to care about the consequences of my life.
Gavin popped in my office, arms full of what smelled like Chinese.
“Hungry?”
I stood up and smiled, ecstatic to see him even though we’d only been apart for an hour. “Starving.”
“Then I got here just in time, didn’t I?”
I
cleared a spot on my desk so he could set the containers down. “I’m supposed to get lunch for you, Gavin. Not the other way around.”
“Says who?”
“Says PA protocol.”
“That protocol sounds silly.” He took off the top of my Lo Mein and fried rice. “I say we should throw the book out.”
“That sounds like a plan but considering I’m only here for another day…”
“Day and a half.”
Taking a bite of my food, I moaned softly with pleasure. “This is so good.”
“I love how much you love food,” Gavin mused with a faint smile. “You even got me to break away from my chicken salad.”
I beamed with joy. “What can I say? I love to eat and wanted to share.”
“You know the only place to get this is here.”
“Well I’m going to miss it.”
“Is that all you’re going to miss?”
I propped my chin on my hand. “Hmm…let me think about that for a minute.” I winked. “Well, there is Stan the Mailman.”
“I don’t blame you one bit. He’s good people.”
“And I’m going to miss that plant in the lobby. You know, the one on the receptionist’s desk?”
Gavin nodded sagely. “It’s the first thing I say hello to in the morning. Scintillating conversation that one has.”
“Let’s see…mmm….is there anything else?”
He took a bite of his eggroll and shook his head. “The mailman and the plant are hands down the two best things about Axis 3.”
Giggling, I reached out with my foot and rubbed his calf. “Oh yeah. There is one more thing.”
“I’m all ears.”
“There’s this one guy I know. Maybe you’ve met him.”
“Most likely. Tell me more about this guy.”
“Well, he’s pretty tall. Really hot. Has great eyes.”
Gavin looked upwards, as if deep in thought. “I know a guy like that. He’s bald, right?”
I shook my head with a teasing grin. “Nope. He has a full head of hair. He’s kind of reserved, but really great when you get to know him.”
“Reserved, huh? He doesn’t sound so awesome.”
“Trust me. He is. Awesome isn’t a big enough word to contain him. He’s beyond awesome.”
“Sounds like a diva to me.”
My foot connected with his shin. Harder this time.
“He’s not a diva. He’s simply wonderful. One of a kind and one of the best.”
“Really? That good?”
“That good.” I put down my fork, all kidding aside. “Gavin, I really appreciate the chance you took on me. I understand better than ever how hard it was for you to break out of your routine with Caroline. You gave me a fair shot and although we had some bumpy times, I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.”
An unguarded expression of pleasure lit his face before he turned away and cleared his throat. “I’m glad you found something good from your experience.”
Although the words were delivered gruffly, I knew what I saw. I touched Gavin with my sincerity.
How nice it was for something to come out of my mouth and be 100% truthful.
Satisfied that I’d expressed my feelings properly, I continued eating my food when Gavin blurted out, “You know nothing’s going to change between us, right?”
Of course it was, but I didn’t tell him that.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, even though you’re not going to be working here as my PA, we’re still going to be seeing each other. I mean it. This isn’t a fling for me.”
Murmuring his name, I scanned beyond his shoulder to make sure no one had walked by.
“Be careful. Someone could’ve heard you say that.”
“So.”
“So?” I dropped my voice to a whisper. “I thought you said you wanted to be discreet.”
“I did. Now it doesn’t matter.” He gestured to my meal. “Eat your food, love, before it gets cold.”
Gavin surprised me. I didn’t expect him to be so blasé about the risk of our relationship getting out. I guess he was right. I only had less than two days left. It didn’t matter anymore.
Which reminded me—I needed to figure out where I was going to turn my professional attentions next. Did I want to go back to programming or did I want to pursue PA work?
Truthfully, being a PA only mattered to me because it gave me a chance to get close to Gavin. I didn’t want to spend my time twisting my life to fit someone else’s schedule.
Programming it is then.
As if he read my mind, Gavin asked, “Would you like to stay here?”
“Pardon?”
He gestured above his head with his chopsticks. “Axis 3. Would you like to continue working here?”
I absolutely would!
My overflowing enthusiasm dwindled to a parched puddle. As lovely as that would be, I couldn’t insinuate my life into Gavin’s. Not permanently. Only the knowledge we’d part ways allowed me to justify my subterfuge.
Staying here in whatever capacity went against my set of rules. I couldn’t forge a path at Axis 3 and risk my father finding out.
Fear yawned before me like a black pit.
Just the thought of Patrick discovering I’d been working for Gavin…it was too terrible to contemplate for long. Granted, he didn’t know I knew about Melissa and her son, but it wouldn’t take much for the secret to come out.
And then all hell would break loose.
Patrick Brookstone was a vindictive man on his better days. When provoked? He was a tornado of fury destroying everything in his path.
Was it unnatural I gave this much attention and thought to my father? Undoubtedly. But until Gavin, he was all I knew about men and only a fool would take a threat like Patrick Brookstone lightly.
I may have been a liar and a coward, but I wasn’t a fool.
There was really only one way to answer.
I smiled and cheerfully said, “Thank you so much, Gavin. I really appreciate your offer but I have to decline.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s better this way.”
“For who?”
“For the both of us.”
The corner of his mouth turned into a hard frown. “Not for me.”
“I don’t get it.”
“I like having you here, Paige.”
“That’s so sweet of you, but it’s not the best thing for either of us. Really.”
Gavin pushed his food away and leaned back in his chair. I had his full attention.
“I’ve already told you my feelings on the matter. There’s no ‘us’ regarding the issue. It’s simply ‘you’. Tell me why this wouldn’t work for you.”
It was difficult to keep my pleasant expression.
“For one it would be favoritism.”
“Not so. Temps find full-time employment during their assignments all the time.”
“True, but usually in the same position they were hired for. You’d have to create a position to fit me.”
“Not necessarily. One of my VPs is without an assistant. You’d fit nicely there.”
“I don’t think so. That sounds too much like you’re passing me around to your friends.”
Now what the hell inspired me to say that? Was I trying to provoke him so he’d get mad at me and withdraw his offer?
Sounds like “yes” to me.
“Paige, that is completely out of line. I’m offering you a permanent job. That’s it. And just so you know, I’d never share you like that. Ever. What’s mine stays mine and I consider you mine.”
Turning away from his steady stare, I took a dainty bite of rice to cover up my discomfort and yes, my shame.
“I know. Bad joke on my part. I’m sorry. I know you’re not that kind of man.”
“No, I’m not.” He picked up his chopsticks and plucked a piece of beef. “If you don’t want to work here anymore just say so. Don’t try to cover it up with false altr
uism.”
I didn’t have to say anything. I should’ve just let it go.
Instead, I reached out and touched his hand. “Gavin, I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m not being completely honest.”
I felt him stiffen. Glancing at his expression, I saw it was placid. I’d never know he was wary if I wasn’t touching him.
“Go on.”
“I loved working here for you. More than you know. But that’s just it. I liked working for you. I’m not interested in being anyone else’s PA. And just so you know, this isn’t some kind of play on Caroline’s position. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea.”
“But I did anyways because you weren’t open and truthful with me.”
I slid my hand away. “You’re right. I wasn’t.”
Gavin reached for me, entwining his fingers with mine. “I get this is all new for us both. We’re trying to find our way with each other. But I need you to know something about me—I don’t deal with lies. Either directly or by omission. That’s why I need you to be straightforward with me, Paige.”
My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. For just a split-second, I’d flirted with the idea of coming clean. Gavin confirmed what I always knew about him.
He’d never, ever forgive me for lying to him about my identity.
Seemingly unaware of the quiet desperation hiding behind my mask, Gavin continued explaining himself.
“I’m not telling you this to be controlling, Paige. It’s just I’m not that great at expressing myself or picking up on the finer nuances between people. I try, but a lot slips through the cracks. It’s always been easier for me to remove myself emotionally from people so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.”
Treading where I didn’t belong, I asked, “What about your exes? Was it easier with them?”
He took several moments to think about my question. “A bit. We were friends first. I knew them from school and so there was a familiarity there to cushion things. They already knew my personality. I wasn’t so strange because they were used to it.”
“You’re not strange, Gavin.”
He waved me off. “You don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings, love. I know what I am and I know what I’m not. What I’m trying to get at is this kind of relationship is new to me, Paige, but it’s so important.”
“Why?”
