by Lucy Harvey
The first night I had spent with Roman he stayed but after that it had begun to feel like it was a hard limit for him. As though the first time had put him off. The mornings after Roman would leave me with the despising feeling of his empty spot still warm from his body. But it was never enough to drown out the connection of pushing each other’s limits or when we would draw each other into a sentimental trance discovering secrets our bodies failed to hide. I was beginning to chip away at the conundrum that was Roman.
“Make sure you call me as soon as you arrive, I will see you in a few days, goodbye Angel.”
My safety was always at the forefront of his mind. As we shared goodbyes I hung to Romans sculpted torso proceeding to moan like a love sick puppy.
“Carry on making sounds like that and you will never leave.” Romans smirking lips chastely kissed random spaces on my forehead then left with the rest of him as I started my venture home.
Coming home was always a nostalgic overload. I tried to bury reminders of the past and camouflage them with the excitement of Harleys brightly decorated future but the pain still lingered. I knew her news would bring happiness to so many people even if their initial reactions were apprehensive, anyone in a mile of Harley and Dixon could feel how deep their connection was. I was jealous of what they shared but never in a bitter sense. My skin warmed and gaze softened as my thoughts wandered to recent memories I had created with Roman, just maybe.
I pulled into my old welcoming drive way leading up to the large red oak door that once kept me safe from a world riddled with evil. Home was a safe and wholesome haven, like any other home it has held its fair share of memories I was desperate to dispose of but deep down at one point I was happy here. A real kind of happy.
Being the youngest of three and the only girl came with its pros and cons, my brothers were overbearingly protective but who could blame them. Chase and Cole were just a year older than I and although twins they could not be more opposite.
Chase an extrovert team player and practicing Lawyer and Cole a reckless, introvert aspiring rock star and part time music teacher at our primary school. No matter how different or protective they appeared to be they were still my world and in turn I was theirs.
Once inside I breathed in that familiar scent of vanilla my mother loved. When moving out I made sure my home too smelt like this so I would not feel so far away.
Skimming my hand along pictures framed by expensive materials decorating the wall of the inside of my childhood home I admired each and every one. My favorite photograph of them all stood proud and tall taking center stage on our mantelpiece. It was a portrait of my parents on their wedding day. My father with his firm hand placed so proudly on the blooming bump of my mother as she stood bewitchingly on her tip toes tenderly kissing his smug grin. They were childhood sweet hearts and my dad loved to tell their tale at any given opportunity, even if it was not an opportunity.
My father came from an extremely wealthy background and as spoilt as he appeared he portrayed himself as nothing but humble and sincere. Just like his father before and soon his son he was an international lawyer and being fluent in four different languages landed him an amazing career opportunity, the perks were of course incredible but they were never enough to fill the void of when he and my mother had to travel away. I guess that was always another reason why I was so close to my brothers.
Unfortunately my mother however came from broken home after broken home drifting to and from an array of foster homes as early as she could remember. She would never discuss life before my father but we all knew that’s where her demons were born.
“Momma why are you crying?”
I skipped over to my momma, she was huddled in a ball on her bed crying. She didn’t answer me but when she was like this she never did. I hated it when momma cried, she was too pretty to cry.
“But you’re too pretty to cry momma.” I told her.
I clambered onto the bed and wiped away her long golden hair before it stuck to her wet face, the tears were falling faster now and I wanted them to stop. I wondered if I would be as pretty as her when I grew up. We sat in silence for ages and ages and then momma took my hand in hers. Her grip was too tight and it hurt but she needed me and I was a brave girl.
“You’re my reason to live to Lily, I’m sorry mommy’s sad right now but you make me better ok?”
I nodded and smiled but inside I was sad. Momma was always sad these days. I heard her and daddy arguing about the doctors but momma wouldn’t go and now I just wished that she would.
“Why don’t you sing mommy a song sweet girl, make them go away.” She whispered.
I looked around because I couldn’t see any one. Who did she mean? I sang to her anyway though because I was her reason and she was mine. I knew what song to sing her, it was her and daddy’s song. Mommy always played it and now for her I would sing it.
“And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score…”
Her final foster family were the worst and at just sixteen she travelled to and from school covered from head to toe in an array of multi colored bruises tainting her pale skin I now wore. My father vowed that even appearing as broken as she did the first day he saw her the beauty of her soul shone so much brighter than the pain of her bruises and from that moment she was his. Later he convinced my grandma that she was the one forcing my mother to live with them, he saved her and in turn they made each other eternally happy.
It was another notch in the ever growing heart of hope I held for broken people. Love conquers all.
I was thankful of this alone time breathing in and suffocating from the past; I knew all my family were over at Harley’s parents as my friends had arrived earlier in the day. I dropped my bags in my old room; it was like falling into a time warp. This very room was my own personal prison, the place I would hide hours on end soaking up the lyrics of my emo collection of music or frantically racing into the safety of a book.
Everything was just as I had left it although even if my mother wanted to redecorate she was never around long enough to see it through. Part of me was thankful for the survival of my safe haven but a bigger part of me wanted to burn every shred of it to the ground. I was an ill girl when I held myself captive in these four walls. I knew my mother felt guilty for gifting me with her genetic bipolar illness but I knew either way I was always supposed to be different.
I neatly tucked my belongings into my former dust covered wardrobe then sloped on the bed before starting the procedure of getting ready. I checked my phone for any connection to Roman – nothing. I guess being corporate owner of your own companies came at a price especially seeing as how much time I abducted of his lately. He was probably just busy I comforted myself.
“Willy, wow, fuck you’ve grown.”
I was met by a deep inviting voice. My eyes were still directed at my feet as I smoothed out my dress, last minute regretting my outfit choice – this was a personal trait of mine, maybe a sign of my deep infested insecurities I guess.
I had finally arrived at Harleys parents ready to attend the party. For the occasion I had opted for a white tube dress cutting off just under my knee – I knew my father would appreciate the classiness of my outfit, if he had a glimpse of the things I had been wearing during my time away at Uni I think he would have died a million deaths by now.
“Hello anyone in there?” The voice continued.
The questioning tone brought me out of my own judgmental haze. It was Harley and Shadows older brother JD, the fact he was the first one to welcome me helped me regain my calm composure. All of us kids grew up like one big distorted family but out of everyone we were always closest. His nickname stood for Jude Drew but I used to call him my very own James Dean and he would call me Willy because that’s just how much of an immature wind up merchant he was and apparently still is.
As JD pulled me in for a reacquainting hug I liquefied in the safety of his arms.
I really was glad to be home.
“James Dean, well well well, puberty finally kicked in huh?” I chastised him, he brought out the playfulness in me and I was forever at ease in his presence. He pulled me in tighter resting his once inviting lips against my temple.
“I could say the same to you Willy, look who’s finally grown tits, mm pretty nice ones at that?” I pulled away from his embrace and swatted him on the arm. “Come on in or your dad will kill me if I keep you to myself any longer, but Will, you and me have got some big catching up to do.” He warned.
Willy was my nickname and no it was not just because he had a speech impediment that meant he couldn’t pronounce my name. Instead of consoling a pre-diagnosed bipolar episode of mine he would make them disappear, distracting me by saying I was acting like a Willy lacking attention. Anyone else would probably have been offended but the way he taunted me and acted the same with me as the others made me feel more normal. I know our parents were secretly rooting for the news of our wedding but that would never be on the cards.
I was emotionally unstable and JD was emotionally unavailable. Two paths that were not meant to cross. The perfect ingredients for an endless friendship.
JD was one of the most beautiful human beings I had ever met inside and out. He was the closest thing I had to sanity, always there to steer me in the right direction. I often wondered myself why we never chose to cross that line emotionally. Was it because he knew just how deep my demons led that he knew best to keep me at arms-length. He will always have a part of me, my first, something I would share with no one else because I trusted him unconditionally.
“Here’s my baby girl.” My father bellowed from the other side of the living area.
I ran into his welcoming arms trying to keep the emotional overload ricocheting inside at bay.
“It’s so good to see you daddy.” I confessed into his chest.
My father held me with both hands and drew back his head to study me. I could tell by his eyes he was relieved I didn’t have an indecent dress on and for once chose to portray myself in a respectable light. Little things like that would show him I was better.
“Rose, our girls here.” Shouting over his shoulder he caught the attention of my mother.
“Baby you’re home.” She enveloped me in a tight squeeze snatching me from my father’s embrace.
“Mom it’s so good to see you, you look so well.” And she did. It was reassuring to say the least, we were both here and we both appeared better.
“How are you Lily, taking your medication okay?” She said it quiet and softly enough for no one to hear but I began to wish I had arrived earlier and done the whole reunion thing at home.
“Of course I am mom, I promise.” I reassured her because I was. Not the full prescribed amount because it just made me sleepy but I was still taking it and working extra hard to keep myself under control.
“Now where is that future husband of yours? I swear he was just here.” My dad took off and with-out needing to ask I sensed he was in search of JD.
“Will he ever learn that JD and I are just friends?” I giggled to my mom who had not taken her eyes off me. They appeared glazed and lost, I was past deciphering weather her expressions were good signs or bad because you could never fully dictate what was going on in her mind. I guess the same as mine.
“I’m so very proud of you Lily, you know that don’t you? I know I’m the reason you don’t come home much and I just need you to know that I’m sorry and I -”
“Mom, we do not need to do this here, it is okay I promise.” Reaching out I took her hand in mine rubbing my thumb against her dainty knuckles.
I did not anticipate just how deep and unsettling the reunion would be but this was no place for a heart to heart of such. I started to feel guilty about staying away from home for so long. Thankfully my father was back in time to defuse the situation with JD lingering at his side.
“So now that your sisters getting hitched are you going to be popping the question to our Lily any time soon?” My dad chuckled playfully elbowing JD in his rib cage. Okay maybe I was not so glad of his return.
“Oh Stan you know I’m not good enough for Lily. I’ll be forever trying to live up to those book expectations and the stress of not being good enough will push me to drinking and she’ll start complaining that I don’t spend enough time with the kids, then I’ll get fired from my job and come home to find that she has had to have an affair to fill the void I put in her.” I doubled over in hysterics along with my parents, this is why we loved JD, this reason alone.
“And dad if you must know I’m seeing someone, Dixons brother actually, he was going to come tonight but couldn’t get off work.” I proudly stated.
As I lifted my head to gage their reactions my parents both appeared pleased and congratulated me with the usual ‘you should bring him to dinner’ speech with silent warnings to be careful laced in their eyes. But as I turned to JD his face held no expression at all.
“I’m pleased for you Wil, hold on two secs I’ll be back.” He glumly interjected and then left.
I did not see JD for the rest of the evening nor did I receive anything from Roman. Who ever said ‘men are from mars and women from Venus’ hit the nail on the head because I would never be able to fully understand the male species?
The celebrations were drawing to a close and I made myself busy by helping Dixon collect rubbish in the dining room. The décor was modern and extortionate, everything had a place and everything matched. It was clear to see where Harley got her habits from. I grabbed a pink broom from the cupboard at the far end of the room and began to sweep the various objects on the floor until I created a large pile of party streamers and crumbs.
“So I hear you have been spending a lot of time with Roman.” Dixon interrogated. I had been waiting for this interrogation.
“Yeah I guess you could put it like that.” I replied through my smirk.
Any chance to flaunt my entanglement with Roman.
“I’m glad he has someone like you around Lil, plus he has never been so open about being involved with someone. I’m glad he’s told Odette as well, hopefully that will mean she’ll keep her claws off him tonight.” Dixon let out a hearty laugh but immediately stopped when registering my reaction.
He was with Odette?
He lied to me.
I had never confronted Roman about his connection with Odette, I didn’t need too, I saw just how intimate they were from five minutes of stalking the internet. Instead of playing into his hands I tried my best to continue an adult conversation with Dixon as best as I could, desperately trying to maintain my cool composure.
“I wouldn’t get your hopes up.” I grunted. Literally grunted. My ‘cool composure’ plan worked well for all of two seconds.
“Shit, you didn’t know did you? I’m sure it’s nothing.” Dixon leaned forward lacing his muscular arm around my shoulders, how I wished his brother would be such a free spirit like him. He was trying to comfort me now because even he knew he would not appreciate being in this situation.
Deciding to not let Roman upset me I carried on helping his much better brother clear up. Dixon never had any problem with sitting with Harley and her girlfriends in school or college so we had all grown exceptionally close to him. It reiterated the amazement of not knowing he had a brother. Although, I probably knew too much about him as it was, his sex life and his abnormally wide penis refrained me from the ability of being able to completely look him in the eyes.
“Right I’m gonna go freshen up, thanks for helping me with that Lil. When it comes to Roman just be patient and I’m here if you need advice, if anyone knows how to kick his ass then it’s me.” Dixon scruffed up my hair like he used to do as a teen then left me to ponder my own thoughts.
I grabbed my phone and text Roman a deep meaningful message to show he was not going to get one over on me and no way was I about to share him.
Me - FUCK YOU. P.s I hope Odette likes how I taste.
There, that was sure to give him
the message. I turned my phone off and chucked it to the bottom of my clutch then headed to my parent’s house. It was only nine forty five in the evening and because the engagement celebrations had started early that day our parents had all retired for tea’s, coffees and funny stories that held no humor at all. The rest of us proceeded to carry on celebrating in the local town center agreeing to meet out front at ten thirty sharp.
I strolled along the street before reaching my childhood home singing songs about broken love attempting to occupy my mind with anything other than Roman. After the other night and showing me off in front of our friends like I actually meant something I thought this could be the start. But I realized that I would never be important to him, not in the way that he so effortlessly consumes me.
“Finally, she returns.” Once again that welcoming voice broke me from my self-induced trance.
“JD what are you doing here, oh and thanks for bailing on me, you know I hate people.” I began to ramble and he pulled me in for a hug.
JD slumped onto the steps leading up to my porch and I perched next to him letting out an exasperated breathe.
“So I guess my dad’s still pretty adamant we’re getting married.” I laughed prodding my elbow into JD’s side.
“Not now they know you’re in a relationship, speaking of, start from the beginning.” His whole body turned to face me as he gazed at me with a wary expression in place.
“Ugh, I don’t want to talk about it. Why do I always fall for charm? Like if there’s an idiot then so be it Lily will pick them. I just thought this one was different you know?” JD studied me as I began to fill him in on every detail about Roman and me, careful not to miss a detail of the constant hot and cold signs I was willingly putting myself through.
