Broken Love

by Lucy Harvey

  In any time no matter where or when; I would find her. Any version of her no matter what shell her soul used to survive this time I would find her and my dearest Angel would forever be my home. I needed to figure out how to reveal my broken past and relive the wounds of remembering. My Angel thought I was ruining her, it was her that had broken me and I was starting to let myself believe it was for the better.

  I cannot live this life alone now that I have had her by my side. The pain in her eyes haunts me, with every word I use to cut her loose inside I’m screaming I’m sorry. I guess inside I am screaming ‘I love you Lily’.

  As I bask in my new revelation of how stupid I have been, I have loved her all along, my phone saves me from my dreaded epiphany. Once again saved by my perfectly time accounting brother.

  “Bro.” I abruptly answer.

  “Yeah I’m fine thanks, works the same as ever, the wedding planning’s are coming along pretty well, not long now. Thanks for asking, how are you?” Sarcastic bastard, although his light hearted presence was just what I needed to steady myself before the tsunami came. I was in love with Lily, had been since I very first laid eyes on her, what the fuck was I going to do about it.

  “Sorry Dixon my minds pretty occupied, glad to hear things are going good when did you want me to collect the rings?” The wedding was soon approaching and as best man it was my duty to provide the rings. I know Harley wanted to do some lame gesture of her cat wearing the rings into the ceremony but that idea was as daft as it was impossible, I guess I could not take too much offence coming second to a cat.

  “Yeah that was actually why I was ringing, umm, about that-” The hesitation in his voice drew me in and instead of fiddling with the loops on my over worn leather belt I rubbed my sweaty anticipating palms against my faded jeans.

  “Look Dixon if you want to use Harleys cat instead of me for your rings be my guest, just don’t blame me when some high maintenance flea bag stops mid isle to inappropriately lick itself.” The image had me chuckling but seriously surely he was not actually considering it?

  It was an honor to be asked to be Dixons best man, I knew he was surrounded by a vast amount of loyal friends who treated him way better than I ever did, and my money was on Tristan. I felt a sense of proudness when awarded with the responsibility.

  “No bro it’s not the rings, you know I would rather suck dick than have that thing anywhere near the wedding.” His laugh was cut short as I anticipated what he could be referring to. “I was just calling to see how you felt about Lily’s news. I know you ended things again but I know how crazy you actually are about her.” He unveiled forever unleashing the bombs of knowledge I was yet to learn.

  Then I realized what he has said.

  WHAT?

  “Dixon what the hell are you talking about? What news?” I began to pace the length of my bedroom, my heart beat racing my own legs.

  “Fuck, you don’t know? Ah man. I swear I always draw the short straw, Harley was adamant you knew-” Yes I bet she fucking was.

  “For fuck sake just spit it out Dixon.” I rudely interjected his waffling, this was no time for him to prolong.

  “She has been offered a job in New York, it’s a really big deal. Apparently she was head hunted after the article about her speech and the ongoing praise she has been receiving. She leaves right after the wedding.”

  I smashed my phone against the bedroom wall watching as it disintegrated into a million tiny particles reflecting the undoing of my own newly found heart. She was leaving me. No grand gesture would be enough to convince her I was something worth sticking around for, she needed me to reveal all the ugliness keeping me from her. I just wanted to protect her couldn’t she see that? It was time to unleash every ugly fraction of my past, relive the horror of that day and every day before or since. I wasn’t just going to have to remember the wounds, I was about to rip them open and coat them in salt.

  I had been so invested in the destruction of Viktor that I was failing to take note of other projects in my life. If I was doing my job right I would have known the New York department wanted to recruit Lily. The thought of calling them and ordering the position to be revoked crossed my mind but this was no time for games. Finally, I had to start doing it right, doing it her way.

  Falling in love with someone’s light was easy but being subjected to the darkness that haunts them and continuing to freely fall was something entirely different. I sent a silent prayer to the Angel who lit up my life, please heaven do not let it be too late.

  Do not give up on me just yet my sweet Lily.

  All I can see is Roman’s face, the last expression before he so willingly made me leave. I’m left deserted on my bedroom floor wrapped up in his clothes, a pathetic attempt to feel close to him. His name forever the last on my needy lips. I never imagined the end would come like this, it was me this time, this time I ended it. I guess I thought this change in tactic would make him realize he needed to let me in, it was the only way we would survive. The fact I know I am not something he will miss plunged the knife he stabbed into my chest deeper and deeper.

  I cringed at all the measly attempts to manipulate him into missing me. The lengths I went too in the first week of his departure to make him crave me like I will always crave him. It was me that left but that makes no difference to how I feel. He never wanted me at all.

  “How come we are jogging this route? You never take this route.” Peyton enquires as we end our stretching and start our run passing Roman’s empire as we go.

  The thud of his newly beating heart reverberates in my mind as I recall the nights spent resting my head on the safety of his bare chest. I tried to block out the side he had for only me to see. The proudness of meeting my father, being called worthy of me, having someone happy that he was in my life. I saw how it lifted him, even if my eyes were blinded from his fulfilment he sure made me aware of it in the gentleness of how emotionally he fucked me after.

  “Say it Angel, say it to me” Roman teased my breasts in the palm of his hands as I squirmed beneath him. I was growing more and more desperate but he wouldn’t touch me until I said it. I loved this game, he would relentlessly tease me until I gave him the words he longed to hear and in turn he would turn me as equally desperate craving his touch against my pulsing sex.

  “Please Roman, touch me.” He trailed kisses down my stomach nipping my skin marking his territory. His firm hands gripped my trembling legs as he spread them wider.

  “Wrong Angel” He was so close to my entrance that I could feel his hot breathe against me, I cried out trying to buck my hips towards his face. He was good at this.

  “No one makes me feel this way.” But I was better. He dug his fingers into my legs gripping me with such force I fisted the bed sheets determined not to crumble. He needed me to admit ownership but I could see how desperate he was to lick and fuck me to remind me I was his, he said I would always be his.

  “Oh two can play at this Lily.” He pulled his hands back placing one finger in his mouth as the other delicately released his erected cock. Pulling his finger from his mouth he rubbed it along my swollen pink flesh skimming all around my clit missing the pressure point to my undoing each time. I lifted my head to catch him palming his own arousal, the sight of me mercilessly begging for him drove him wild.

  “Roman, nothing feels as good as us, nothing ever will.” I gave in and he ploughed his throbbing erection into my tight opening as I clenched around him. Before he would continue to slam into me forcing me to my release, instead he entwined one hand with mine kissing the softness of my skin before placing it over his beating chest.

  “This is what you do to me sweet Angel, this heart beats for you, because of you. I live for you.”

  The discussion between his fingers and my skin was the most intimate conversation of all, connecting us in ways that words never could. But it was all a lie. And now he was gone. I was just another game to him, spearing me to my finishing whether emotionally or physically.
He was caught up in the illusion he manifested and my heart was just an unworthy sacrifice. What was the fascination in braking me down till I was nothing but a shadow of my former self?

  Looking back I cringe at how naïve I was, ignoring every sign from my own instincts; I took a chance on something doomed from the word go. Like running into a field of gun fire wearing anything but a bulletproof vest. But with each time I placed him on a pedal stall he kicked me down showing who he really was.

  I know Roman sees every single scar left from his constant disposal of me so why? I’m left believing I need him like a heartbeat despite the constant backlash of his evil core, I need to run far away from him and get rid of him for good. He will be back around soon enough to reclaim whatever is left of my broken existence but this time I am the one who is running away.

  I would be fine hiding in the darkness. It is when I am met face to face with my downfall that I so easily crave to surrender. He lures me into a false state of wanting; making me so confused and frustrated I forget every reason I should run and focus on the one that keeps me around.

  I am taking a step back from my own mind. I am letting go of everything. I am letting go of Roman. I am moving on.

  So here I am now. I stand and stare at the dissembling portrayal of who I once was in the reflection of the hotel mirror. Staring into eyes that I no longer recognize, a vacant smile masking my crumbling soul. It was my best friend’s wedding, a day that should have been filled with nothing but the most sincere happiness. Happiness was no longer an emotion I was familiar with.

  “Wow, Harley, you look like a princess.”

  “Harley you are beautiful.”

  “Flawless sweet girl.”

  The day of Harley and Dixons wedding had soon came around. As the blushing bride-to-be stepped out of her dresser we welcomed her with an array of uplifting compliments, she truly was the most beautiful bride I had ever seen.

  The dress itself was a sweetheart mermaid design accentuating her hour glass figure. The Purity of the ivory complementing the glow of her naturally tanned skin. Harley’s signature brunette curls surge down her open back. With minimal makeup creating a natural finish, she truly was glowing.

  “I feel like a princess.” Harley squealed bouncing on the spot with excitement trying to avoid tears.

  “You look amazing, the venue looks amazing and I know I look amazing so come on lets go get your ass hitched!” Peyton chimed in twirling in her bridesmaid dress.

  Peyton, Albie and I were the bridesmaids each styled identically. Our halter neck dresses were a pastel pink complementing the theme of the wedding. Each flaring out at our waist and tapering in just above our knees. The wedding planner had done an incredible job of pouring everything Harley into every aspect of this wedding.

  We all began to take our place, excitement was radiating through everyone accept me. This was the first time I would see Roman since I forced him to leave, since I told him it was the very end, no magic spade was enough to dig himself out of his own dug hole this time. More than that, I was about to walk down the aisle towards the very reason I spent the last few weeks in complete isolation from the world with no energy to live a life without him. He in turn had made no attempt to contact me. Roman had given me up almost easier than I had fallen in love with him. I steadied my breathing and regained my composure as the symphony of the brides entering song began to play.

  That was the rare obscene beauty of being broken. After life derails you can cling to the tiny rays of dismantled hope; praying in some way some form you will survive because you cannot brake what was never whole to begin with. Right now I was thankful for enduring every disrupting event of my life because it helped me put one foot in front of the other now when all I wanted to do was collapse.

  I could feel his gaze burning straight through me but I would not look at him. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of my searching eyes. I mask my face with a smile and fought to channel the happiness for my best friend and bury the brokenness of my love deep somewhere I could forget even just for this walk. I felt stunning thanks to the hours of primping putting my hair and makeup into an immaculate condition. My man made self-created tan rewarded me with a pretty glow and the weeks of surviving on Ben and Jerry’s had done wonders for my breasts and behind. He was going to regret ever letting me go.

  “Dearly beloved we are gathered here today...”

  I watched vigorously as Roman took center stage in preparation for his best man speech. I remembered how honored he felt when Dixon had first asked him, it was rare moments like that when he appeared human that cemented his hold of my heart. His chest sagged as he let out a deep husky sigh and demanded silence from the roaring crowd. Nice to know some things had not changed.

  “I would like to take a minute to congratulate my knuckle-head little brother and his beautiful bride on their special day, we are so happy to welcome you to the family Harley. This day has been a long time coming, either that or we were going to have to issue a restraining order because of how obsessed you both were with one another.”

  Laughter erupted amongst the surrounding guests whilst Roman turned his stance and directed his gaze on me, he tensed before continuing to deliver his speech.

  “From a young age I have watched you together. You have both grown as your love continued to do so with every passing day. I was always puzzled by your attachment and could not comprehend the idea of having that with someone. Until recently. Someone once told me that Shakespeare said ‘Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.’”

  The words pouring from his mouth were flying all around me. All I could hear was that quote. The quote I had lived by, he was using it in his speech, what was he playing at? I was far past reading hopeful signs through his mixed up signals, I just wallowed in the realization he would stoop so low and mimic me like this. His glare continued to burn through me.

  “Loving someone can be hard but you make it look so easy. Knowing there are guys out there who would kill to be in your shoes. Knowing they see the true magic in her smile, the light that glimmers in her eyes could lead even the most broken of men into a hopeful daze. Knowing there are others than can offer her all the love and magic in this world or even the world itself but by some stroke of luck she chose you. Even when you push her and test her, even when you expose the ugliest parts of your soul she chooses you.”

  Tears streamed down my face as I bit my lip to stifle my cry.

  “Dixon and Harley are not only lucky that they have a love that has grown stronger through every attempted alteration but they are lucky because they chose to accept the vulnerability of opening up to someone and live through it. To fall in love is easy but to let someone love you back is the scary part.”

  I wanted to run and scream, his words were like daggers in my tender chest.

  Why? Why? Why was he doing this?

  It was just another game to him that sick animal. He had spent the entire course of the shady affair we shared convincing me there was no such thing as love yet there he stood proudly projecting the beauty of it.

  The sincerity laced in his eyes appeared genuine and his face looked pained rather than smug but I knew him, I knew he liked these games. He finally tore his eyes from mine and proceeded to end his gloriously disturbed speech.

  “So here is to you Dixon and Harley, may your love never alter and to everyone else, drink as much as possible, my dad’s paying.” He smirked then raised his glass to the roof signaling for everyone to follow.

  The final charades of my heart came crashing down; splintering my deflating soul as they descended. Women wept with joy at his beautifully constructed pile of bullshit he called a speech as men headed to the bar taking advantage of the free booze. I was stuck in time reeling over the catastrophe that had just taken place. I was sure I was done fighting for Roman. I was done fighting against him. I was done full stop.

  The day was a sequence of bittersweet exchanges, trying to convey my happiness for the newlyw
eds whilst trying to stay out of reach from Roman. So far I was doing well, I had not drowned my sorrows with a bottle of wine, nor had I ambushed him or attacked him. I had however mingled with friends and families and paraded around as though everything was just dandy.

  “They look beautiful don’t they?” Peyton pulled me from my loneliness induced trance as she swooned over Harley and Dixon’s first dance.

  Harley clung to her new husband as he effortlessly carried her around the dance floor stealing heartfelt kisses and exchanging whispers for only each other to hear. The song that they had chosen for the moment was “Turning Pages – Sleeping At Last”. The lyrics were enchanting and took me back to a place of the past where it became their song.

  Harley had accused Dixon of cheating on her due to his suspicious behavior, she stormed through our high school corridors crying as he chased after her. When he finally caught up with Harley he presented her with a watch that was embedded with their initials and the date he first laid eyes on her. Not the date they got together but the date he first saw her, he swore from then on he was under an intoxicating spell and he knew every moment after would be lived to see her smile.

  “You cannot just buy me off with gifts Dixon, show me you are sorry or that’s it.” Harley demanded, I knew she saw the sincerity in Dixons gift but she was always curious as to how far he would go for her. I think he would kill, the boy who would refrain from harming a fly would kill to protect his girl.

  Dixon pulled his mp3 and Beats speakers out of his rucksack then stood on a bin that was turned upside down.

  “This is how I feel about you Harley, how I will always feel about you and I want you to know it.”

  With that he began to awkwardly sway and sing along to the dedicated melody. Harley watched in awe as other girls jealously pondered. Most of us pointed and laughed at the uncomfortable display of affection.

  “I've waited a hundred years