Broken Love

by Lucy Harvey

  The girl had light golden hair contrasting against Romans ebony locks, but their matching eyes and her dainty arm around his shoulders showed me what I needed to know. She cared for him, she must have been a sister, and although fear was etched upon her face she appeared to be not much older than him. I gained some comfort in learning there was someone there before he found the Courts. I had no idea what his life before was like for him but I had witnessed the aftermath of his nightmares, the vacant stare and the backlash of his wounds.

  “Why does she look like me?” I questioned.

  Roman tensed and his warrior mask was back in force with more ferociousness than I had ever witnessed.

  “YOU DO NOT SPEAK OF HER. You fucking hear me? Shut your whore mouth you do not speak of her. No one speaks of her.” His bellowing voice glued me to the spot. Roman continued to shout at me through gritted teeth as I focused on how his knuckles began to turn white, the paper screwed into a tiny ball in his clasp.

  He charged for me and all I could do was watch the exploding vain in his neck. If he clenched his jaw any tighter his teeth would shatter in his mouth. The fact he was holding back tears began to brake me. No matter how petrified I was for what awaited me - my care for this dark soul foolishly outweighed that.

  My once unmoving legs began to scurry as his charge halted until he was just millimeters in front of me. His expression, his stance and even his scent radiated anger whilst mine portrayed fear.

  “Roman, you can tell me, I love you.” I tried to sooth but it was no use.

  The words that I prayed would bring him back sparked resentment deep inside him. The anger that was woven into his being and had now been set alight because of my unhelping mouth.

  My head was thrown back and crashed against the head of the bed. With his hands on my ankles he dragged me onto the solid floor. I was unaware of what hurt more, the uncompassionate treatment or the hardened thumps against my easily marked skin.

  After one swift violent jerk I was on all fours, Romans right hand tightened around my neck causing my flesh to burn as his remaining hand undid the zip of his jeans. Normally he would shut me up by wooing me with his affectionate embrace but now he was literally about to fuck every discard of sense left in me.

  Kicking back the heel of my foot I met the crease of his crotch freeing my jelly like body.

  If he was going to have me like this there was no coming back.

  If he was going to assault me without my consent there was no coming back.

  If he was going to continue to keep the reason for his intimidating and tortured demeanor away from me there was no coming back.

  I crawled away from his shouldering glare, once again he had gone too far.

  “Roman you’re scaring me!” I screamed through hysterical breathes, frantically rubbing at the painful burn newly appearing upon my neck.

  “What because I haven’t got my cock planted deep inside you you’re suddenly realizing what I tried to protect you from?” He bellowed. His muscles strained making his limbs shake.

  Roman continued to tease me and violate my innocence with his threatening persona. He was smirking but I could see through his front. The pain laced in his hooded eyes was unmistakable. Roman was just as scared as I.

  “I can’t do this anymore Roman. I can’t.” Every tear that has been held in or cried out joined as one and fled from my wary eyes.

  “I told you to trust me, you said you would fight for this.”

  “All I do is fight Roman, it is you that never fights for me and I cannot do it anymore. I deserve more than this and I know you want that too.” I whine through my distraught state.

  With that brave statement I watch his ulterior ego once again resurface. A shielded barrier casts over his eyes. He puffed in his chest planning which hurtful route to take, it was apparent the Roman I was trying to break through too was once again imprisoned in his own mind.

  “You’re a fucking liar and you know it Lily. You spout all this bullshit about this romance and eternal bond but you forget I know you. I see how you tremble when I grab your throat. When I fuck you like the whore that you are, that is when you truly want me. You are not scared you’re excited.” He tried to invade my personal space but I retort back, I cannot stand to be near him.

  “Lily, you are just as fucked up as me in every sense of the world.”

  I open my mouth to argue my case. Before I proceed with my trail of thought I realize that mentally I have already admitted defeat.

  “I am not saying I want grand gestures and endless words of affection, I just want you to be honest with me. Why can’t you admit you love me? Your outlook on life is so warped and dark, I have tried saving you but I cannot win this on my own.” My hurt became replaced with anger and disappointment, my confession was going through one ear and out the other.

  “Love you?” He let out a sadistic chuckle. “Surely by now you must realize there is no such thing. How can someone like me love something as weak as you?” He mocked.

  His eyes scanned my boy as his lips curled in disgust. Fragments of my heart wound and stab the remaining pieces.

  “Stop it, I know you don’t mean it. Don’t say something you’re going to regret.” I beg of him.

  “My only regret is believing you could not possible be so dumb.”

  And just like that we were through.

  I lashed out pounding my clenched fists at his stone like chest. Why was he doing this? He was pushing me away yet again. Just as I think we have reached solid ground I’m soon reminded that he is the one that likes to rip the floor from beneath me. I was never going to have solid ground with him around.

  “So what now? You shut me up by fucking me till I can’t process my own words? Tell me this is how I want us, how I need us? That you know what’s best for me? Oh and your famous last line of how I should trust you? Well I’m done.” I took a breather to steady my cries and make sense of my own mind.

  “Well you know what, you are not the only one that gets a say in this, now it’s my turn. I’m done. I’m done holding on and fighting for who I thought you were because you are ruining me. You will never let me all the way in.”

  It was as though I had stolen the tiny glimpse of remaining light from his eyes. I knew he could sense how adamant I was. If he was going to carry on this game then I was ending it.

  Surely this is where he fights for me? If he just lets me in, tells me he loves me then we can try. That hope was the very thing keeping me from falling to pieces. His defeated tone snapped me out of my silent pea.

  “Lily it is you that has ruined me.” He loops his fingers around my form arm. At first he gently stroked my skin but all too soon I’m cringing from the pain of his grip. Roman drags me through the house leaving me to fall to the floor.

  “Just get out.” His contrasting broken tone pushed me out the door faster than I could carry myself.

  Once reaching the cold breeze of the welcoming midnight air I became aware of my lack of clothing. I quickly pulled on my coral summer dress and slipped my feet into my chucks. I didn’t wait a second longer to fasten my laces, I just ran.

  Roman had truly gone too far.

  As I raced through the streets that led me back to my safe sanctuary the numbness of my overused limbs calmed me, I focused on this different outlet of pain souring through me so I did not lose my mind to the previous events.

  I couldn’t go back, I didn’t see him as the monster he was trying to unleash but I knew this was way out of my depths. He needed space and I needed clarity, a recipe we would not create together.

  Water blurred my eyes. My screams begged for release. I ran as fast as my robotic legs would carry me with no sense of direction, not a single clue where I was going. I heard it before I saw it. I didn’t plan to keep running but I couldn’t stop. As though I was being called to the light and I lacked the power to fight it.

  Crash.

  I could feel the events unfold in slow motion. In my mind I would replace the
sound of a horn and the halt in traffic with a symphony. An oncoming car swerved to miss my fleeing body. The tail end swung around with enough force to knock me off my feet and crash landing.

  The impact of the collision set me into a whirl. It isn’t enough to fight away the demons. It isn’t enough to help me escape.

  I sat in A&E desperately trying not to let my mind go back to the events of today. Luckily I escape the collision with a minor concussion. None of my bones have been broken just tainted with marks and bruises. The doctors say it’s a miracle, that I’m lucky to have no serious damage. I inwardly sigh and think of all the damage on the inside.

  The waiting room continued to fill and empty at an erratic pace and I sat alone. I focused on a couple sat before me, the man was trying his best in attempt to sooth his heavily pregnant wife. It was beautiful. Watching the proudness evidently written all over his face as he took every insult and out lash from the girl in pain.

  If I could put money on the soon arrival of that baby I would. The way the lady bent and screamed in pain made me pray their joy would be here soon. An unwanted feeling of resentment crawled into the pit of my mind. I would never get to share this with the man who had my heart.

  And so another one bites the dust. This is getting all too familiar silly girl.

  Just like clockwork they reappear. When there is no one there to pull me out of the wreckage, they appear ready to hurt me. Their words are like stones, they slowly chip away at my stable foundation. Soon I will fall.

  “Peyton open the fucking door before I put it through!” Roman had been frantically punching and banging for the last twenty minutes, every angered thump spinning me on an axis.

  My phone had been left in my bedroom without charge since yesterday. As soon as Peyton heard what had happened she came straight over to assist me in my recover, I tried to tell her I was fine but I know she has been watching too much Greys Anatomy.

  Harley offered to come over straight away but I knew how busy she was. There was nothing she could have done for me, I was too busy trying to find things to keep Peyton occupied. I knew that if Harley heard of my minor accident then so would Roman.

  Peyton rolled her eyes and groaned in frustration as she lunged for the door.

  “Keep banging like that and I will literally feed you your own pork.” She screamed when face to face with the intruder.

  Even in the isolated state of my own depression I could not help but giggle at her choice of words. From a young age I had come to appreciate and almost rely on that lack of human filter.

  “Peyton please, I know she is in there I just need to see her. Please?”

  The smile was stolen from my face even quicker than it appeared. It was the first time I had allowed myself to even hear his voice. His plea sounded sincere almost desperate but I promised myself I would not willingly allow myself to board the train to our destruction again. It was well and truly over.

  I left my refuge on the couch gingerly creeping to the living room door to get a better angle of their conversation without blowing my cover in turn.

  “Why? So you can push her away again? Fill her head with broken hope? Do you get some kind of sick enjoyment out of this pathetic cycle? Now you tell me why I should try and convince my best friend to be put through that?” With one hand on her hip the other flew around in front of Romans face as her index finger occasionally pushed into his broad chest. I envied her confidence.

  She stood with broad shoulders as Roman appeared before her slumped and rugged. Peyton had her arms now strongly folded against her chest whilst he dragged his along his sides fisting his hands. I wish I could hold so much control like she did. If I was to be looking into those eyes I knew it would result in me being manipulated back into begging for him.

  As I peeked at Roman now he did not look like that domineering pompous git so adamant with breaking me. He almost appeared human. A broken and desolate human.

  Stop Lily – don’t even go there. This is most likely a new found role to spice up his mind games. A new angle to bring excitement to our deranged entangle.

  I drew in a deep breathe composing my new found strength inspired by my friend. I would not look at him like that, I knew what he was capable of. But even this newly discovered brave version of me could not be immune to what he was about to say.

  “I am not intentionally trying to brake her, it is her that is trying to change and brake me. Why can’t she accept me like I am? I know I am not good enough for her but I can give her more than anyone else I’m damn sure of it.” I knew for a fact he could but it was the knowledge that he wouldn’t. I studied closer as he lowered his heavy unkempt head into his fidgeting hands.

  “She’s mine. She has been mine since I laid eyes on her that night and every night since. She gives as good as she gets, please just let me see her? I have not eaten, slept or even fuckin’ breathed since yesterday. I just need to know she is okay after the crash, please?” He shook his head in defeat it was clear Peyton was not moving. “Just tell her I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it better. She’ll know what that means.” Roman retreated from my door and walked away defeated.

  It appears that even my trash mouthed best friend was at a loss for words at his dumfound speech, what hope did I have?

  She’ll know what that means.

  I knew exactly what it meant.

  But it was too late.

  I had no idea how it happened or why I felt like the way I did and continue to do so. All I do know is that there is something beautifully captivating in the way that Lily so simply exists. I would never get over that.

  Lily left me believing I cannot continue to go on without some part of her with me. I need her with me. Her healing hands are opening my eyes every day, the way I lived before was a measly attempt at life and Lily makes me crave more. I do not want to continue to take and use the things continuously offered to me. I want to give her the stars. Everyone knows she is just about done with my pathetic indomitable ass as I carry on dragging her through my warped mind.

  But I will never let her go.

  I need to believe there is one last chance.

  Why am I holding on? Why can I not just let her go and be happy? I will never be able to be the man she needs but I am selfish enough to make her believe she wants and needs me. I have lived my whole life avoiding the need to rely on the existence of someone else to make me happy, I feel lost but what can I do? Now I’m here without her and instead of being thankful that I have been set free from the thing I have always avoided; I am wracking my brain for a grand gesture to trick her to come back to me.

  Everything was alright since Lily lit up my world. Before my life was colored by a dim grey, now it’s a storm of multi-colored chaos. She showed me the true beauty of all colors, even the beauty in the coldness of blue. Now I am running out of reasons to run or places to run too, my feet, my mind and my heart are always leading me back to her. I wonder if she will ever know how it feels to have to let her go. How without her I am so desperately alone.

  I know she is waiting for me to return and grovel and let her in but I cannot. Can I? The confessions and insight my Angel is so desperate to hear are words I lack the power to string together.

  When I hear the words I use to cut her free it brakes me. Stealing the light from her eyes brakes me. Leading her to believe it is some fault of her own that I cannot be who she deserves brakes me. It hurts so much to hurt her, would letting her learn the real me hurt this much? My weakness brings her pain, her weaknesses bring me hope - finally I found a way to be happy.

  When we would depart before she would scream and shout, the display of affection letting me know I would have some way back. Now when I look at her she is silently broken. I would give anything now to steal back the words I regret each time I say them. Somehow I know it’s not the end, I will find a way to trick her into coming back to me. I won’t manipulate her I will just love her. She’s made for me. Somehow I will make her see how happy she ma
kes me.

  Before when I would kiss her I wanted her to taste the hate in my soul. I wanted everything in my existence to frighten her away, for her to be aware of the darkness. But now, I need her to taste the hope in my new found heart. The very heart she blessed me with.

  This heart will always beat for Lily, without her it has no reason to beat at all. For I am hers and she is mine, two broken souls healing with time. Each with a piece of the other embedded in its existence. Our souls have spent a lifetime travelling this earth in search for that magnetic force pulling us back together where we belonged. Where we have always belonged.

  All I can think of is the last time I saw her. I have drank endless bottles of JD to forget that agonizing look that haunts me. I can’t.

  Fuck. I had finally pushed her beyond return. She believed it was the end. An eclipse formed in her eyes where until a few minutes ago hope hid. Before I knew it I was walking away from her but I would always be back.

  For in whatever way she was created I was created in that deformed way too. My blinded mind was now subconsciously sketched with the memories of feeling whole since her soul had been bared to mine and I could not fathom surviving without her.

  Like a moth to a flame I would follow the light that will always take me home to her. I will not stop finding her until my feet can carry me no longer, I won’t stop because I am exhausted but fall because I will be cradled in her arms as I reach my one desired destination. I had been trying to run from our destiny for too long. She was my victory. I will once again fall into the arms that belong to her, the other half of my newly found heart, the other half of my soul, my Angel.

  Before I was man enough to admit I needed her I believed love would only make me weak but now I would crumble for her. All the pain will leave and I will be built anew with only the positivity of her portrayal of me. For home is not a place or a memory or even a familiarity, home is the connection and the reward of finding her.