Needing To Fall

by Ryan Michele

  I felt my body begin to relax—not fully, but enough for my leg to stop its action.

  Lynx slowed the truck in front of a ranch-style home with tan siding and brown shutters. You could tell they loved the place by all of the trees and bushes. Each one had their place like it was meant to be there. Each one was trimmed, and the dirt was covered with mulch.

  Lynx parked the truck as he said, “Come on, babe.” He gave my hand a squeeze and hopped out of the truck, coming over to my side then helping me out. He intertwined his fingers with mine and led me up the concrete walkway.

  I felt my insides shake. I didn’t know it was possible, but it was. I felt everything in me shake. I started breathing again, just as we got on the landing and the door swung open.

  A wide smile adorned a beautiful woman with long, dark hair and deep, brown eyes. I saw some similarities to Lynx in her, like her nose. She was slender, yet her jeans hugged hips I would love to have.

  “Brody!” she screamed, and I gasped. He had told me his name, but I had never heard anyone call him that before. It seemed surreal since he wasn’t Brody to me. He was Lynx.

  She ran out and wrapped her arms around her brother, and he gave her a one-armed hug, not letting go of me even when I tried to pull away to give them a moment. He wouldn’t let go.

  I had to admit I loved it. I loved that he liked having me close to him. That little gesture meant the world to me.

  “Hey, Bay.” Lynx pulled away and introduced us. “Bailey, this is Reign. Reign, this is Bailey.”

  The smile didn’t leave his sister’s face as she stepped close to me, and I instinctively took a step back. While I wanted her to like me, there were some things I couldn’t get past quite yet, and one of those was the touch of people.

  I quickly held out my hand, compromising on the hug I saw in her eyes she wanted to give me.

  She looked to Lynx who nodded, and she took my hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “Same here.”

  She released my hand quickly, making me wonder if Lynx had told her about me, if he had warned her about my issues. I really didn’t know how to feel about that, if I should be happy he had taken that initiative or sad that he had talked about my problems with someone else.

  “Uncle B!” a little voice came from behind Bailey before a little girl with light brown hair put up in the cutest, little pigtails pushed past her mom and came directly at Lynx.

  He let go of my hand, scooped the little girl up off the ground, and held her in the air as she giggled.

  “And who’s this? This can’t be my little Bray. No, this little girl is an imposter!” he said in a wonky voice that made the little girl laugh. “No, my little Bray is small. You are way too big!” He pulled her down against his chest, and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

  My heart skipped a beat. Seeing Lynx with the little girl made something in me want, really want to have my own family. I had thought about it a lot lately, but seeing that had sealed the deal.

  Lynx would be a wonderful father. Me, I would do the damned best I could. I wanted it. I wanted the happiness that little girl felt for her uncle and he for her. I wanted to see that every day.

  My heart warmed and thumped hard in my chest just as Lynx turned the little girl to me.

  “Reign, this little peanut is Braylynn. Braylynn, this is Reign.”

  She smiled at me. “Hi, Reign. You have a funny name.”

  “Braylynn Marie!” Bailey snapped at her daughter.

  I cut in, “You’re right. It’s nothing like Braylynn. That’s a beautiful name for a beautiful, little girl.”

  She giggled and squirmed in Lynx’s arms. “Come on! Mommy cooked.” She said it like it didn’t happen often.

  “I only cook when I have to,” Bailey explained with the same smile plastered on her face. It wasn’t fake or forced; it was genuine and I felt it. “I’m not horrible, but it isn’t something I enjoy.”

  “Sis, you’ll have to teach her how to cook, because Reign burns water,” Lynx teased.

  I smacked him on the arm, laughed, and then immediately stopped, feeling like I had done something wrong. Was it the laughing, joking, or that I was playing around with him? I didn’t know, but Lynx pulled me into him, still holding Braylynn; kissed my temple; and said, “Babe, relax.”

  I breathed out and nodded.

  We walked into the house, and it struck me hard. This was not a house; this was a home, a place where not only people lived daily, but a place where people lived.

  The pictures on the wall in the hallway showed smiling faces and special trips. Braylynn’s pieces of artwork were in frames like they were the most expensive paintings in the world.

  It was a place where people had built a life and were living it every day. I wanted that. I needed that.

  I was so stuck on the pictures I jumped when Bailey stood next to me and said, “I love pictures. Mal says I take so many every second of Bray’s life is documented.”

  “Mal?”

  “Malcolm, my husband. He’s in the living room.”

  I nodded absently, looking at a picture of Bailey, Lynx, and what looked to be their mother and father because they were spitting images of them.

  “That’s our mom and dad. It’s one of the last pictures we have of them.” The sadness in her voice was immediate, and I felt like shit for staring.

  “It’s beautiful.” I looked up and saw one with Bailey and a man in a raft. “This one looks fun.”

  Bailey’s eyes moved to the picture, the smile returning to her face. “Mal took me rafting. I told him he was nuts, but I had one of the best times of my life there. You ever been?”

  I shook my head. I hadn’t been out in the world to have any of these experiences, and I felt that loss. I wanted that. I wanted some memories: happy ones, fun ones. I deserved that. Lynx and I deserved that.

  “You should have Brody take you. He’s great at pretty much everything.” I admired the love for her brother that poured out of her. I also admired the pride in her words. If I had a brother like Lynx, I would feel the same way. “I’m sorry about the hugging outside. Lynx told me that touching doesn’t fly.”

  I turned to her, about to say something, but she cut me off.

  “Don’t say it’s okay, because it wasn’t. Lynx has been through a lot and knows more than he should.” I smiled at that. “But I should have listened, and I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable at all.”

  She was sweet, but I was happy that she got me. She didn’t know me from the person walking down the road, but she was trying. I was going to, as well.

  “I’m really okay.” I sighed. “It took a long time for my best friend to be able to grab my hand. It’s something I’m working through, but I’m just not the touchy-feely type.” I hoped I didn’t come out bitchy. I simply needed her to know I wasn’t ready for that kind of contact.

  “I’m a hugger.” She shrugged. “I got lost in the excitement, but I’ll do better.”

  “Thanks.” I gave her a soft smile, feeling like she really did believe it. I was happy she was giving me that, even though it was hard on her. She was pulling herself back, and that meant a lot to me.

  “Help me set the table?” She was letting me off the hook. In so many ways, she reminded me of her brother.

  “Sure.”

  We passed by the living room where Lynx was playing with Braylynn.

  Bailey stopped. “Mal,” she called, and the man in the recliner turned. He was handsome with an olive skin tone and dark hair. He wore glasses that were wire framed, almost looking like the kind Santa Claus wore. “This is Reign. Reign, this is Mal, my husband.”

  “Hi.” I waved my hand stupidly as Lynx looked up with a smile on his face. He loved that little girl with everything he had, and it showed all throughout his body.

  Mal didn’t get up from his chair; he just said, “Welcome, Reign. It’s nice to meet you.”

  “Same here.”

  “Okay, Reign is going
to help me in the kitchen.”

  I shrugged at Lynx. My help in the kitchen wouldn’t be much help at all, but I followed.

  The kitchen had white cabinets, cream walls, and a dark marble countertop. The floor was tiled in an intricate way that must have taken whoever had done it days. The large kitchen island was littered with food. I didn’t know whom she was expecting to be there that night, but there was no way we could eat all of it.

  Off to the side was a large, open dining area. The entire space was warm and inviting. The table looked as if the wood had been beaten over time, giving it a very rustic feeling. More pictures lined the walls, and I had to stop myself from going to look at them as the curiosity grabbed me.

  “Will you put the plates on the table?”

  I saw them sitting on the island. “Sure.” I walked around the space and picked up the plates that weighed a ton. They must be stoneware or something. I only knew what that was because Andi’s mom had a full set of them.

  Bailey went to the stove where the scents of whatever was on it wafted throughout the room.

  Taking a step, my foot caught on something that slid. I dropped the plates, trying to brace my fall onto the hard tile, and the shatter of the stoneware on the ceramic tiles was deafening as my shoulder slammed into the floor.

  I let out a loud cry as pain radiated up through my arm and shoulder blade. My hand hurt, too, and when I looked at it, I saw blood. Shit, I had cut myself. I had ruined their plates and hurt my damn self. I looked to my feet where a dog with wheels and a red pull cord lay sideways. A toy. Crap. Reign, you should have looked for toys. Kids, dammit.

  “Oh, my God!” Bailey screeched as she ran to me and kneeled down beside me. Her hands moved as if it were killing her not to touch me.

  I gave her an out. “Can you get me a rag?”

  She jolted up and ran to the counter as the blood poured out of my hand. Shit, it must be deep.

  “What happened?” Lynx came storming into the room like a thundercloud ready to clap. His eyes looked different, almost removed as he stared down at me. The spark that I had come to love in Lynx wasn’t there, and that scared me more than my hand bleeding.

  “I’m okay. I tripped.” I sat up on the floor, my shoulder hurting, but not showing it at all.

  “Dammit!” Lynx yelled, spotting the toy on the floor. He went to it, picked it up, opened the back door, and threw it hard into the night sky.

  Panic arose in me. This was one of his attacks. The sound of the fall and the sight of my blood must have set him off. Shit.

  Bailey rushed up, giving me the towel, just as Lynx was there, pushing Bailey out of the way. I felt horrible as she stumbled backward before finding her footing.

  Lynx was in a robotic state, like he was working on autopilot, doing what needed to be done, yet he wasn’t really there with us. He was somewhere else.

  “Lynx,” I said softly, getting no response from him as he inspected my hand.

  He pressed as I tried pulling my hand away from the pain, but he held it firm.

  I sucked in deeply and tried again. “Lynx.”

  Again, nothing.

  Scared wasn’t even the word at that moment. Try petrified that I had lost my man. I had to get him back. It was my turn to help him. He had been my rock since I had met him, so it was my turn to pay him back. The fact that I loved this man made me want it even more. He needed to fall, and it was my turn to be strong and be his shelter.

  “Lynx!” This time, I yelled until his emotionless eyes looked at me, but they weren’t really looking at me. They were looking through me, which made the hair on the back of my neck rise. “Lynx, I need you to breathe with me. I’m gonna count.”

  He didn’t respond.

  I cupped his chin with the hand that wasn’t hurt and pulled him close to me. “Breathe with me,” I ordered. “Now! One” I sucked in deeply, waiting him to mimic me, but he was still lost. “Lynx, I said one!” I yelled right in his face.

  He sucked in a breath, but his eyes still weren’t there.

  “Two!” I yelled again, and he followed. “Three!”

  He did it again.

  As I got to ten, I began lowering my voice as the fog he was under began to lift. It was the strangest thing to see him change right before my eyes from not being in the room to being right there with me as he blinked his eyes rapidly.

  “Oh, shit.” He shook his head. “I had an attack. I’m so fucking sorry, babe.”

  The fear radiating from him took me off guard. Lynx didn’t have fear. He was strong and knowing.

  “Did I hurt you?” He was scared he had hurt me; that was where the fear was coming from. Dammit.

  “Lynx, I tripped over a toy and fell.”

  “And cut yourself.” His attention moved to the towel on my hand that was now covered in blood. “Shit. Fuck. I need more towels, Bay.”

  Bailey, with tears falling down her cheeks, immediately got more and put them down next to me.

  I felt so bad for her. Lynx hadn’t meant to push her. I hoped she understood that.

  Mal came to the door with Braylynn in his arms, but Bailey rushed over and ushered them out of the room.

  “I’ll be okay, Lynx,” I tried to reassure him, regardless of the pain coming up my arm and the cut. I wasn’t going to tell him that, though.

  “You’re bleeding badly, Reign. You’re going to need stitches if the wound is as big as I think it is, judging from that plate.” He nodded his head to the shards with my blood on them. “You probably have shit in your cut that will need to come out.”

  I moved my hand to his cheek, bringing his attention back to me. “I may need stitches, but I’m going to be just fine. People trip and fall all the time. It’s okay, Lynx.”

  “It’s not okay. I never want to see you hurt. Ever, Reign. And then I just …” He ran his hand through his hair, pulling away from me, and I dropped my hand. “I’m so damn sorry.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m happy I could help you. That’s what we have, Lynx. You’ve helped me so damn much, and now I got to return it. While I hate that you have to go to that place in your head, if you had to do it, I was glad I was able to help you.”

  My heart bled for him. The pain all over his face was laced with embarrassment, something I never wanted him to feel.

  “You listen to me, Lynx.” I turned my tone from calming to demanding, catching his attention. “You don’t hide that shit from me, just like I don’t hide that shit from you. We are a team. We fight back the darkness together. You don’t get to take on all my shit and then not expect me to take yours, as well. That is not how this works, Lynx.”

  “We need to get you to the hospital,” he interrupted me.

  I knew we did, but he wasn’t listening to me, and I wasn’t going anywhere until he did.

  “Not until you get it through that skull of yours that we do this together. We build a life together. You think I won’t see more of that same thing? I know I will. You think I won’t have downs and want to stay in bed all day? I will. It is the vicious cycle that plays in our lives, and I refuse to let it win. I won’t allow it to. We deserve better. We deserve our happy, and I’m fighting for it, so I need you to do the same.”

  His forehead came to mine as he continued the pressure on my hand. “I love you so damn much. I don’t want this shit to tear us apart. My shit. I’ve gotten better, but it happens sometimes.”

  “Then we talk about it and deal.”

  “Okay.” He breathed out as his shoulders slumped, and I knew I had my Lynx back.

  “Now, would you take me to the doctor so I can get some help?” I said it as cute as I could, trying to lighten the mood, but Lynx wasn’t fully to that point. I looked at Bailey. “I’m so sorry about the plates and dinner.”

  “Stop that right now. It’s my fault for not checking for Bray’s toys. I didn’t …” She paused, the words caught in her throat as she cleared it. “I’m so sorry, Reign.”

  “It’
s okay.”

  “I’m taking her,” Lynx said, picking me up in a bridal hold.

  We passed the living room where Braylynn was sitting on her dad’s lap, crying.

  “Wait,” I told Lynx, and he halted. “Let me down. I need to talk to Braylynn.”

  “No, we need to go.”

  I fully turned to Lynx. “I know that, but she’s scared, and I’m not leaving her when I know that. I spent my entire childhood being scared, and I refuse to do that to anyone, especially a child.”

  Lynx waited a beat then set me on my feet. I felt a bit woozy and the room spun a bit, but I made it over to her and kneeled down on the floor so our faces were level.

  “Braylynn?” I asked, and she opened her beautiful, brown eyes filled with tears spilling over. “Hey, honey. I’m all right. Your Uncle B is going to take me to the doctor and get me all fixed up. There’s no need to worry. Everything is just fine.”

  “Blood,” she said.

  “Yes, that’s what happens when you cut open your skin. I’m sure you’ve had a scraped knee or two, right?”

  She nodded.

  “It’s the same thing. I need to go get it checked out, but there is no need to be sad or scared.”

  “But …” she sobbed. “I didn’t pick up my toys when mommy told me to.”

  Ah, so that was what it was.

  “You know, sometimes we forget things. We get busy and things slip our minds. We don’t do it on purpose, but it happens, and we take it as a learning lesson.” I wasn’t quite sure where all of this was coming from. I sounded like a combination of Wrestler McMann and Lynx. Scary.

  “I’ll pick them up, promise.”

  “That’s good, but no more tears, okay? It’s all going to be just fine.” I tried to soothe her and felt the urge to touch her knee in reassurance, so I did. That was the moment I had a little five-year-old in my arms, her arms linked around my neck as the panic kicked in.

  It took me long moments as I breathed and breathed.

  “Let—”

  I cut Lynx off, “No.” He stopped speaking as I finished breathing and wrapped my arm around the little girl. “See? Going to be just fine.”

  She nodded her little head, her pigtail coming in contact with my lips, and it tickled. Finally, she dried herself up and let go.