Needing To Fall

by Ryan Michele

  “Now we’re leaving,” Lynx ordered as he picked me back up and carried me out of the house.

  I woke to Lynx taking very deep breaths in and out, my head lying on his chest, rising and falling with him. I could almost hear him counting in his head as his arms tightened around me. His skin had changed from normal to clammy with sweat.

  I lifted my head, and Lynx’s eyes shot open to me. He wasn’t lost like he had been three days before, but he wasn’t there, either.

  “Lynx?” I called out as he exhaled roughly, his lips moving with each breath. “What’s wrong?”

  Over those past days, Lynx had kept his eyes on me like a hawk, barely letting me out of his sight.

  I had needed twenty-one stitches in my hand after they had removed all the pieces of broken stoneware. The cut had sliced pretty deeply, but the doctors at the hospital had fixed me up as good as new. My shoulder and neck were banged up a bit, but nothing was out of place, just sore.

  I had called into work, even though I didn’t want to, because I wanted the money I earned. However, it was for the best. Besides, I would be back the next night. I would have to wear a plastic glove over my cut hand, though, so liquid wouldn’t mess up the stitches. That was going to prove challenging, but I could handle it.

  I had learned I could handle more than I had ever thought possible.

  “It was the blood,” he said roughly.

  My heart ached for him. I put my hands under my chin and rested it on his chest. If he wanted to talk about it, I would listen to every word and give him my undivided attention.

  “It was the loud crash, too, but when I saw you on the ground, bleeding, I was taken back to a place where blood was spilled everywhere. I was angry at the toy,” he said softly. I didn’t know what to think on that one.

  “I was. That’s why I threw it, probably smashing it to hell.” He wiped his face with his hand. “I need to buy Bray a new one.”

  I gave him a small kiss on his chest in hopes that he would continue, that he would let me into this part of him. I had a lot of Lynx except this. He had never cracked that door open to me, yet right then, he was.

  “I hadn’t had an episode since the one when you got out of the hospital. I thought, for some stupid reason, it had finally released me, that I was finally free from being thrown back in time, but I’m not.” He sighed loudly as he continued, “I don’t think it’ll ever go away, but Reign, I have to tell you I am so much better than what I was.”

  My heart constricted as everything I felt for this man steeled around my heart.

  “I was really bad when I got home. Any sound would have me on edge. It’s what landed me in the hospital so many times. You know what helped me?”

  “What?” I asked.

  His hand rubbed absently over my back. “Talking to other Vets who had gotten out and had the same problems as me, who had been through war, seen some of the same things I had. I hated that they had to live with it like me, but I was also relieved I wasn’t alone. I had someone I could talk to who would get it, who would understand. And, babe, I know you’ve been through shit, but until you’ve been in a war zone, you wouldn’t get it. I’m not saying that to be a dick, but it’s the truth.

  “War is its own entity. It changes you in ways civilians don’t understand. It makes you a different person than you were before you went in.”

  I wanted to ask in what way it had done that to Lynx, but it didn’t matter. The Lynx he was right then was the one I loved. Besides, if I didn’t have to dredge up any of the bad shit, I wasn’t going to.

  “I am who I am, babe.” He leaned up and kissed my forehead.

  “I love who you are, Lynx: the good, the bad, the sometimes scary.”

  His hand stilled. “I don’t want you to be scared of me.”

  “I’d never seen you like that, and it will take me some time to understand it, but I’m here with you. I’ll do whatever I can to help you battle back your demons. I didn’t fear that you would hurt me; I feared I wasn’t going to be able to clear the look in your eyes. That was what I was afraid of.”

  “You reminded me of what I needed to do, and I thank you for that.” Lynx kissed my head again then lay back down. “We may not be perfect, babe, but we’re perfect for each other.”

  I smiled, remembering I had said those words. They were truer than ever. “Absolutely.”

  He pulled me on top of him and kissed my lips softly and sweetly. As we made love, we let our bodies tell each other how deeply our feelings ran for one another. I felt it down to my soul that Lynx was the guy for me. I loved him, and he loved me, warts and all.

  ***

  “Damn, woman, that’s scary shit right there.” Andi placed her coffee mug back down on the table.

  We had just finished eating dinner, the two of us talking about what had happened since the last time we had spoken. I had told her about Lynx and what had happened at his sister’s. I needed someone other than Lynx to talk to. I didn’t know why, but I did.

  Lynx got me, and I got him, but there was just something about talking to your best friend that made it more freeing, more liberating.

  “I know.”

  Andi tugged her bottom lip between her teeth. “You sure this is good? You both have so much shit you’re dealing with. Are you sure it’s wise for you to get in this deep with someone who has problems as bad as you?”

  That thought had never crossed my mind.

  “As far as I’m concerned, we love each other, ugly bumps and all. Yeah, we have problems, but so do other people.” I grabbed my napkin, needing something in my hand, and I twisted it. “I think we understand each other better since we’ve both fought and are fighting to be free of it all.”

  “I’m happy for you.” A genuine smile lit up her face. “You deserve this, Reign.”

  “I’m happy, Andi. For the first time in my life, I’m truly happy. I want to live, not just breathe air. I want to live. I want to do all those things I missed out on as a kid and so far as an adult. I want to experience things and figure out what I like and what I hate. I want a family.”

  Her eyes began to water. “You deserve that.”

  “I watched Lynx with his niece, and it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever witnessed. I want that for me, for us.”

  “Then you need to take it. Don’t hold back.”

  “He wants me to move in with him.”

  She eyed me skeptically. “Hon, I hate to tell you this, but you already are living with him.”

  My brows drew together.

  “Seriously, Reign, you sleep there almost every night and have clothes at his place. What difference would it be to move in the rest of your stuff?”

  She was right. I had been sleeping there, eating dinner there, building a life with Lynx there, but something ate at me.

  “But I don’t want to leave you.” My words were hushed. I didn’t even know at first if she had heard me, but she had.

  “You’re not leaving me; you’re building a life, a home with someone who means something to you. Lynx is a stand-up man. He laid Drew to rest for you. Guys don’t do that shit unless they love you with everything they have inside of them. He does. Your moving in with him doesn’t mean we are cut off from each other. It just means we do lunches, dinners, and text often. I love you, Reign, and I want this for you.”

  Tears sprang in my eyes, and my nose did that weird tingle thing before I knew I was going to cry. I didn’t stop myself.

  “I love you, too, Andi. You stuck by me through everything, helped me when I pushed you away, stood by me when I spat ugly words at you. You never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself. You’re my light. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be sitting across this table right now, bawling my eyes out like a baby.”

  Andi’s tears came in a steady stream as she rose from the small table and wrapped her arms around me. I reciprocated as we cried together. This was what friendship was, what sisterhood was—unconditional, unequivocal love, a
nd I had it for her in spades.

  Andi pulled back, grabbing a tissue box and bringing it back. We cleaned our faces and then she got us some more coffee before sitting down.

  “Look at us, a big pile of tears and snot.”

  I laughed. “I’m all about the tears and snot these days.”

  Andi twirled her mug of coffee, staring down into the brown brew.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I met someone.” Her eyes fluttered up to mine, and I smiled.

  “You did?”

  “I’ve known him for a long time, but I never really took that step.”

  “Him?” I asked, confused.

  She laughed. “Yeah, you’re the only female I’ve ever had those feelings for, Reign. His name is Matthew. He comes into the diner at least once a week, maybe twice. I flirted with him, of course. Better tips.” We laughed. She wasn’t wrong there. “He’s asked me out several times, and I said no, but this last time, I said yes. We had a great time together, and I can’t wait for you to meet him.”

  My heart grew for my best friend. She had been the light, the sunshine for me, and now she was spreading it to someone she cared about.

  “I’m so happy for you.”

  “Me, too.”

  When my phone beeped, I looked down to see Lynx had texted me, I’m here.

  “Lynx is here.”

  Andi rose, wrapping me in a tight hug. “You should take some of your bags with you.”

  I pulled back. “What, kicking me out?” I teased.

  “Never, but it’s the right thing for you.”

  I nodded, went into the room, and packed two big bags, stuffing them full.

  Walking out to the truck, I was only balanced because the bags were level on each side.

  As soon as Lynx saw me, he jumped out of the truck and rushed to me, taking the bags from me.

  “I guess I’m moving in,” I told him.

  Lynx dropped the bags at my feet, picked me up in the air, and kissed me hard and deeply. “Best fucking news I’ve heard in a long time.”

  ***

  Wearing a doctor’s latex glove wasn’t ideal for working behind the bar. My grip on the bottles didn’t feel right, and I would be lucky if I didn’t drop anything. Plus, the pace at which I normally moved was slowed way down. No one complained, though, which was good, and I was pretty sure I got some sympathy tips along with it. Fine by me.

  I closed out my register and stocked the back just as the text from Lynx came in, saying he was outside. I smiled, feeling extremely happy.

  “Leaving,” I called out as I moved to the door, heading for my man’s truck parked in the front of the lot.

  The pitch black night was only lit up by the parking lot lights casting a glow on Lynx. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him deeply. Damn, I loved him.

  “Have a good night, babe?” he asked, helping me into the truck.

  “It was decent.”

  He nodded, shutting my door and getting in the driver’s side.

  “Tips were pretty good. I think the customers were taking pity on me.”

  He chuckled. “I bet.”

  Something was off with Lynx. He wasn’t lost in himself, and he wasn’t angry, but something wasn’t right. It made my insides constrict.

  “What’s wrong?”

  He smirked. “Sometimes, I hate that you know me so well.”

  “I do. Spill.”

  “I found your father,” he said, rocking me to my core.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, Reign. I’ve been digging. Your mother worked at a shit-load of places, or it wouldn’t have taken me this long. Sometimes, she only stayed weeks at a job then moved on to the next. It just so happened that when you were conceived, she had four different jobs during that time. I extended it out, not knowing if you were born on time or what.” I didn’t know any of that, either, so I was grateful. “Some of the men who worked there twenty-one years ago moved on to different jobs, so I had to track each of them down. Therefore, it took me awhile, but I found him.”

  “Are you sure it’s him? Because after Drew and Devin, I can’t deal with it not being right.” That wasn’t exactly the truth. I could deal with it. I just didn’t want to go down that road again. I knew I was stronger than before, but I still didn’t want to go through that heartache.

  Lynx put the truck in drive and headed toward his place. “He’s in Seattle, Washington. His name is Weston Cheeseman.”

  “Cheeseman?” That was an odd name.

  “Yep, be happy you were stuck with Owens.” Lynx chuckled. “He runs a software company, has a wife of thirty-one years, two sons, and one daughter.” He paused. “They are twenty-five, twenty-two, and nineteen.”

  The weight hit me hard. He was a cheater, too. He was with my mother while he was married and had children at home. That rock settled in my gut like a boulder.

  “He wouldn’t want to know I exist,” I said softly.

  We pulled into the drive, and Lynx cut the engine. I didn’t move from the seat.

  “He wouldn’t want his wife and kids to know I’m part of him.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  I raised my brow questioningly at him. “Seriously? You think he wants his wife of thirty-one years to know he stepped out on her when she had kids at home?”

  “Babe, dig down deep. I can see it in your eyes. You don’t know what this man would think or feel. You can’t put that judgment on him right know, because you don’t know.” He was right, but I still felt it. “He’s legit, babe.”

  “You’re positive?”

  He rubbed his hand over his face. “I did something.” He paused as I waited. “I have a friend who owed me a marker.” I knew about those all too well. “I had him get Weston’s DNA.”

  “You did what!” I screeched, and it echoed throughout the cab of the truck.

  “He didn’t hurt him, just broke into his house and got me some of his hair from a brush and a fork he used to eat with.”

  I sat there, flabbergasted. “Is there anything you can’t do?”

  “Nope. I’ve paid my dues and helped many people out. This helps you out, and I’d go to the edge of the earth to help you.”

  My heart warmed through the shock.

  “I took your hair from your brush and a fork from your breakfast one day and had DNA tests run. Babe, I wasn’t going to tell you any of this if it didn’t come out positive. I wouldn’t put you through that unknown.”

  I loved this man more than words could say. He so got me.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  He grabbed my hand and brought it to his lips. “Love you, Reign. Always know that.”

  I nodded.

  “Got the results back today. Ninety-nine point nine percent positive.”

  My knee started bouncing. I couldn’t stop it as the adrenaline started pumping through my veins. My father. My dad. Would he want to know I existed, or would it be better to let it go, like I had with Devin and Drew?

  I fought back the wave of darkness that threatened me, keeping it only at my feet. I was strong. I could handle this. I would handle this.

  “Do you want to meet him?” he asked, as if it were every day you found the father you never knew. He was so casual and at ease, and I loved him for it. I needed that. I needed to be reassured that it was going to be all right.

  I dug down inside myself. “I do want to meet him, not that it would change anything in my life, but it would be nice to know. Then again, he has a family, and I don’t want to be the cause of problems within it.”

  “You can’t put that on yourself. He made those choices. He’ll have to talk with his family. You have every right to meet him.”

  I remembered Wrestler McMann and I having this discussion about my mother and her choices. This was the same thing, but it still curled my stomach.

  I challenged, “Isn’t that hypocritical, Lynx? I mean, I’m not telling Devin about Drew, because I don’t want it messing up his
life; but I do this to Weston Cheeseman’s family?”

  “There’s one huge difference, babe.”

  I sucked in a breath, knowing in my gut what he would say.

  “Your father is alive; Drew isn’t.”

  I let out the breath. It sounded as if a balloon was let go, and all the air squealed out of it.

  Why did my life have to be so difficult? I had just found my sliver of peace with Lynx, and then another thing dropped in my lap. I was getting tired, really tired of having all of this, but I refused to go down. I wouldn’t go down without fighting for what I wanted and what I needed.

  “I want to meet him.”

  “Good. We leave tomorrow.”

  I had never been on an airplane before and almost walked right out of the airport, but Lynx held my hand, giving me the strength I needed until I was able to dig it up myself. I was still pissed at him for springing this flight on me so suddenly. His let’s-rip-the-band-aid-off scenario still knifed at me. I had thought I would have some time to come to terms with knowing the name of my father, yet the next day, I was flying to meet him.

  “It’s going to be fine,” Lynx said next to me. I had made him sit by the window. There was no way I wanted to look that far down from the sky.

  I tried breathing to stop the incoming panic attack, but I ended up needing to close my eyes and count. It helped with takeoff, and so far, being in the air was fine. It was like being in a car expect up thousands of feet with the clouds whizzing by.

  “I’m still pissed at you.”

  “Good, focus on that and breathing.”

  I glared at him, and he laughed.

  “Babe, he knows we’re coming.”

  That got my attention.

  “You didn’t tell me this. What happened to always being honest?” I clipped out.

  He clutched his fingers together. “I called after you decided you wanted to meet him. He’s skeptical that you’re his daughter, so I had to bring the papers with me.”

  “And tell him you had a guy break into his house? You can’t do that. He’ll have you arrested!” The panic overtook me then, the breathing not working. I put my head against the seat in front of me, trying to stop the swirling around me.