The Comfortable Shoe Diaries

by Renée J. Lukas

  “I’m sorry, Nathan.” I nearly choked on the words.

  “It’s okay.” He winked just like his father and patted me on the back.

  Aunt Rita slapped her leg. “Sydney, you missed one hell of a party last night. Course the kids were bored, so they played this game on TV where they shot people’s heads off.”

  “I told them not to bring that,” Joanne moaned.

  “The next generation is not gonna know how to type or spell,” Aunt Rita said. “But they’ll sure know how to shoot the hell out of people and become first-class terrorists.” With that, she made her way into the bathroom.

  “Guess I better not tell her how many guns I own.” Mr. Hutchins gave his son a playful shove.

  “What’s going on?” Cabbot asked me. His wide, round eyes were so innocent and confused. And he shamed me most of all.

  “Just adults making things complicated,” I replied. “We like to do that.”

  “Why?”

  Good question.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  “The One That’s Getting Away”

  “Flight leaves at four!” Nathan yelled, frantically packing.

  “The boys will starve,” Joanne said. “I’m making them ham sandwiches!”

  “You’re putting an innocent pig between two slices of bread!” Aunt Rita called, as she soaked in the view on the deck with her vodka on the rocks.

  Seated beside her was Mom, who kept slapping at her legs. “These little bugs,” she complained.

  Then Mr. Hutchins came out to refresh Aunt Rita’s drink.

  “We could stay a little longer if you’d like,” he told her. “No sense in all of us leaving.”

  Bryan came out and hugged me immediately. I wasn’t sure if he was just sensitive or had a little too much wine.

  “It’s going to be okay,” he said softly. “She loves you.” Then he took a seat and stared at the tumbling water.

  “He’s right.” Aunt Rita grabbed my leg.

  “I don’t know.” I was lost in thought, not sure what to do. How could Ellie ever forgive me?

  I vaguely heard the chatter around me but couldn’t get out of my mood.

  “So, Bryan,” Mr. Hutchins began. “What’s keepin’ you from settling down?”

  Bryan stirred uncomfortably in his seat. “I don’t know. Haven’t found the right one, I guess.”

  “The right one,” Aunt Rita repeated. “It’s all because of TV and movies. They give you this image of what a perfect woman should be like. It’s a lie, I tell you! Real women have cellulite! And rolls of fat.” She displayed her lower belly, which wasn’t fat, and jiggled her sagging skin for emphasis.

  “Tell me your ideal woman,” Mr. Hutchins insisted.

  “Well,” Bryan said. “She’d have to have hair like Cher, eyes like Julia Ormond, legs like Tina Turner…”

  Mr. Hutchins sat back. “You ain’t one of them creepy fellas with body parts in your basement?”

  Bryan laughed. “No, all my basement’s used for is step aerobics.” He rolled up his shirt as Aunt Rita had done. Not an ounce of body fat on him anywhere.

  Mr. Hutchins and Aunt Rita both squinted, trying to understand him.

  “What do you think of the gays?” Mr. Hutchins persisted.

  “Oh, I’m not political,” Bryan replied. “I always thought the right to bear arms was just about wanting to go sleeveless.”

  I gave Bryan a knowing glance and went inside.

  Cabbot was commanding a fleet of navy ships in his video game and apparently had annihilated his brother, Tayler, who was crying again.

  “Enough of that game!” Joanne hollered. “Turn it off, Cabbot. It’s upsetting your brother.”

  “’Cause he’s a sore loser,” Cabbot teased.

  “I missed you guys so much,” I said, grabbing their squishy little bodies and squeezing them.

  “We were going to stay longer,” Nathan said. “At your place, but…”

  “You don’t know if you should go back there,” I finished.

  He nodded with a slight smile.

  “I don’t know, either. I guess she went back today.” I looked around like a lost puppy. Then Fran came over quietly and showed me a text message.

  It wasn’t too late after all.

  “You go get her,” Penny whispered.

  “Everybody stay where you are!” I announced, running out the door.

  “Wait,” Fran called. “You saw what she said. You think it’s a good idea?”

  “Yes.” With that, I ran down the road toward Falcon’s Roost, a small hotel just a few blocks from the cottage. I knew Ellie was staying there. Memories flashed before my eyes, and I’d begun to walk faster until I was doing a slight jog.

  Suddenly all of the things I loved most about her came tumbling into my mind like the waves. I loved the way she’d dance with me in the kitchen early in the morning, even though she was tired and had to wake the kids. I loved the way she always lost her keys and her phone every morning. I even loved the way she yelled that the floor needed sweeping, yelling just because she was tired and later apologizing. I loved how she tried to eat potato chips in bed and sneak her arm as quietly as possible into the noisy bag while we were watching TV. And most of all, I loved the way I could slide into her arms at the end of the day and feel like everything was going to be all right.

  Then I thought of all the things I’d started to love about our emerging family—how Matthew yelled “Sandwich!” and hugged us together. I loved how Megan would call from her bedroom, “Sydney! I have a grammar thing to ask you.” I felt needed. I remembered how, on my birthday, there were hushed sounds and whispering outside the bedroom as the kids worked on homemade cards for me. And I loved how we’d be watching a movie in the family room and Cookie would jump up in between me and Ellie, so she could steal a piece of each of our laps. That was the stuff life was made of.

  Surely after all the good times and all of the snow I’d shoveled for her, Ellie could find room in her heart to forgive me.

  Seriously out of shape, I started sucking the air. When I looked up, I saw the perfect thing. The thing that was going to change everything. I begged the woman who was driving to let me climb inside for just a moment. I gave her careful instructions, and when she parked, I jumped out and ran up the stairs to room 206.

  I pounded on the door. “Please! I was an idiot. You’re all that matters! I want to marry you!”

  A couple from Indiana had just pulled up and was taking bags out of their station wagon. They looked shyly at me.

  “I hope he says yes,” the man said with his thumb up. And they disappeared behind another door.

  Ellie finally opened her door and I stretched out my arms, with the UPS truck behind me in full view. “You’re still my UPS!” I cried.

  “Don’t make a scene.” She yanked me inside as I waved goodbye to the UPS driver.

  “You do care.”

  I followed her out to the back deck.

  Matthew’s eyes were big saucers watching our every move, while Megan pretended not to care. She looked up at me occasionally, while banging the remote control on the bed. It wasn’t working, and she was no doubt missing an important show.

  Ellie closed the slider to the back patio.

  “Last night I blamed myself,” she said. “For surprising you. I should’ve given you however much time you needed. People don’t do surprise weddings. It’s never a good idea.”

  “But it is! I am ready! What I was…worried about…it doesn’t matter now.”

  Matthew was pressed against the glass, trying to hear every word.

  “Please give me another chance?” My eyes were blind with tears, and I squeezed her hands as hard as I could. She pulled away fast.

  “Ow, you dislocated my thumb.” She made her pouty face. She grumbled and sighed. What was the verdict? I was on trial for my life. I didn’t realize how serious until it became obvious she wasn’t going to answer me right away. “You want to know the real truth
? Why I brought you here to surprise you? I picked a place that meant something to us. But I made it all a surprise because I didn’t…I didn’t think you’d ever ask me. I heard all the things you said about marriage, gay marriage.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  Tears streamed down her face. “Would you have asked me?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe eventually.” Wrong answer.

  “See didn’t want to wait anymore. But my biggest fear was that you’d say no. I never, ever thought you’d run out over some stupid thing Nathan said. And then I thought for sure you’d come back. But you didn’t come back. That was the worst. I’m not sure I can forgive you. God, I felt like such an idiot!”

  Sadly, Ellie was realizing a side of me I tried to push way, way down—the flaky side. Mom was right. She knew I liked to run away and give up when things got hard. In high school I was in a play. But I had trouble remembering my lines. So on opening night, I quit. The director told me I was more of a failure to quit than to go out and try to do the lines. He thought he was inspiring me to stay. But I took the safe route. And I had felt like a failure ever since.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said. But it was one of those times when “sorry” just doesn’t mean anything. “It wasn’t because of what Nathan said. Not really. But what it was doesn’t matter now!” After a long pause, watching her wipe her face, I finally said, “Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll be there tonight, at the cottage. I told everyone to stay one more night. If you decide you don’t want to marry me, take the kids and go home. I’ll get the message and come for my things tomorrow. If you do decide to marry me, please get the kids and show up at the cottage at seven. And I’ll have a minister from…somewhere. Okay?”

  She was expressionless. “When things get hard, you run away.”

  “Not this time. I promise.” I took one more look back at her sad blue eyes before leaving. My heart was pounding. I could only imagine how she must have felt last night. I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to put me through the same pain. But there was really no more to say.

  As I headed back to the cottage, I did feel hopeful that she hadn’t left the Cape completely after last night. Since she’d gotten a place nearby, it seemed as though she was still holding out hope for me, which gave me hope. I would know soon enough.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  “Maddie as Hell”

  When I came back to the cottage, I saw a strange SUV in the driveway. Standing in the living room was Maddie. I wanted to cry.

  “You’re a day late,” I joked.

  “From what I hear, I might be on time,” she said. She came over to me and gave me a big bear hug. “I’m so sorry.”

  She didn’t look much older, just a little tired around her eyes and the same full cheeks. She’d been experimenting with blond streaks in her hair. She looked good. She wore a cream sweater and a leather jacket. Everyone watched us.

  “What made you come up?” I asked.

  “Penny told me you guys were getting married.”

  There was an awkwardness between us, like just getting to know each other again.

  “I was an idiot,” she blurted. “A jealous idiot.” She hugged me again.

  “Is there gonna be a wedding?” Nathan called. “We canceled our flight.”

  “I don’t know yet,” I answered. I went for a walk outside with Maddie. We ended up at a convenience store that was always closed. We stood on each side of an old ice machine.

  “Why the Cold War?” I finally said. “You were jealous?”

  “I’ve always been a little mad at anyone who was happier than I was,” she admitted.

  “But you’re never happy.”

  She laughed ironically. “I was once. See, about twenty years ago, I moved to New York to be a dancer. I’d gotten a callback for a Broadway show. I was so excited that I ran through the street. I couldn’t wait to get to my one-room apartment and call my family back home. I ran right into the middle of the street and got hit by a taxi. It messed up my knee and no more dancing.”

  Wow. This was the secret I’d never known. I was flattered she chose to tell me.

  “I’ve always kind of resented anyone who got to follow their dream. When I went into medicine, it was because I knew I’d have steady work, not ’cause I wanted to help people. And shouldn’t that be the reason you do it?”

  “Yeah,” I answered. “I think so.”

  “And there’s another thing.” Maddie looked down. Whatever she had to say, this was going to be the hardest part. “I knew you’d leave when you and Ellie got together. The thing is, I’ve always liked someone for years, but it’s never worked out. And it’s not going to work out. I think it all just reminded me of that.”

  “Who? Who do you like?”

  “It’s tough to say. We’ve been friends for years, but I’ve never had the guts to tell her.”

  Heat spread up my spine. It couldn’t be. Whomever it was, I didn’t want to know. “Some things are better left unsaid.” I covered her mouth with my hand.

  “Not you, you arrogant jackass!”

  I was so relieved and a little insulted at the same time. “Well, who? You can tell me.”

  “No, I can’t. She’s someone you know. You have to keep a secret.”

  “Oh, come on! Now I have to know.”

  Maddie was dying to spill it, to release her burden. “Penny,” she said.

  “Really?” I screamed. “Why haven’t you done anything about it!”

  “Why do you think I’m always teasing her, making fun of the online girlfriends and telling her she’s not smart?”

  “Maddie, that’s what guys do. They pull a girl’s pigtails on the playground when they like her. Why can’t you just be nice to her?”

  “Have you ever been in a routine with someone so long it would be weird to change it?”

  I could see her point. “You should tell her, though, before she meets—”

  “Miss Topeka, I know.” She kicked at the crunchy, stone-filled ground. “She’s always been there, you know? I thought she was so cute I couldn’t figure out how to tell her the moment it went from friendship to this scary shit. And now she thinks I’m some old curmudgeon, so she probably wouldn’t want me anyway.”

  “Stop it right there. Don’t assume anything. She may like you too but doesn’t think you could like anyone since Holly. You have done a good job convincing everyone of that.”

  “I know she likes me, Syd. I just don’t know if she could like me, you know?”

  I put an arm around her shoulder. “It’s so nice to see this side of you.”

  “Keep it to yourself, okay?”

  “I’m glad you came.”

  “Me too. Forgive me?”

  “Yeah, but you better come visit. We have a great house. Well, Ellie does.”

  “So what the hell happened last night?”

  “Nothing,” I replied. “Cold feet. I just hope she shows tonight.”

  “She won’t stay mad at you. I couldn’t.” Maddie gave me a smile as we headed back.

  I watched the purple sun fading away and felt the eyes of my family on my back. If Ellie didn’t come, I’d be the biggest jerk in the history of my family. My feet started sinking into the sand, along with my self-esteem. Joanne stood beside me, clutching the blowing, nearly withered flowers she’d been holding for half an hour. There was pity painted all over her face.

  “You want to go in?” she asked softly.

  “No!”

  “I need a drink,” Aunt Rita grumbled behind me.

  “You have to wait!” Mom scolded her.

  The only thing worse than Joanne’s pity was the face of the preacher I got at the last minute. Ryan Aldrich, a gay minister from the same nondenominational church, had shown up bright and bubbly in his rainbow bowtie and sunny disposition. As the minutes ticked away, his brightness had begun to fade just like the actual sun, and I’d begun to feel like I’d just wasted his time.

  “Women are notoriously lat
e,” he said, still trying to be cheerful. He kept fussing with a lock of unruly hair that fell into his eyes from the wind. He was getting more annoyed with that than the lack of a wedding ceremony. “Dammit! I wish I had my hairspray.”

  “I have some,” Bryan offered.

  Ryan studied his hair like a scientist. “No, sweetie, I have a special salon-strength kind. You can’t get it in stores.”

  “So do I.” He’d met his match.

  Ryan raised an eyebrow.

  Great. I was hoping to get married today, not be caught in the middle of Hair Wars, the lesser-known, gay version of Star Wars. They began talking. Bryan might meet his true love tonight, I thought. At least some good might come out of this.

  Chapter Forty

  “The Great Beyond”

  When it grew dark, Ryan politely excused himself, and Joanne escorted him to the door. But I refused to leave my spot. Call it hope, blind faith or just not wanting to look stupid, I held my spot.

  Suddenly, there was a figure moving down the beach.

  That’s what I need, I thought sarcastically. A strolling couple will punctuate my final humiliation. But as I looked closer, it was one person. Still embarrassing.

  As the figure emerged from darkness, there was something so familiar about the person’s walk. It was a man. He flipped a few stubborn strands of hair left on his head back with his hand, just like my dad used to.

  We had home movies with Dad swimming laps, and when he’d reach the edge of the pool, he’d flip his thinning hair back.

  “Dad?”

  He looked younger, the way I remembered him from childhood.

  I immediately turned around to see if anyone else was seeing this, but they were still muttering amongst themselves, trying not to look at me.

  “Mom! Look! It’s Dad!” I shouted.

  But she wouldn’t look at me. She was too busy arguing about Aunt Rita’s drinking.

  “She can’t hear you,” Dad said calmly. And that was the strangest thing. Dad was never calm. Ever. He never spoke calmly or had this aura of peace about him that he did tonight.