The Comfortable Shoe Diaries

by Renée J. Lukas

  “What…wh…how are you here?” I tried to move to him, to hug him as hard as I could. But the way he put up his hands stopped me.

  “No, Sydney, I’m sorry.”

  He took a few steps closer.

  “I had to come,” he told me. “I have so much to tell you, but these damn afterlife rules…”

  He looked around at or for something; I couldn’t tell.

  “Remember that box your mother gave you?” he asked.

  I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant. Shortly after he died, Mom gave me a box of birthday and Father’s Day cards he’d saved. I didn’t want them back. I wanted to think they went out into the cosmos and would reach him somehow.

  “I still have them.” He smiled.

  By this time, I was flooded with so many tears I couldn’t see or appreciate the moment.

  “Stop crying!” he hollered just like he used to when he was ordering us to change the TV channel.

  “Joanne!” I screamed. “Are you seeing this?”

  But she was talking to Nathan; they were all in some kind of weird bubble, or I was. It was like a science fiction movie.

  “I don’t have a lot of time, so listen to me.”

  Why did apparitions always say they didn’t have much time? Was there a mother ship docked somewhere, waiting to take him home?

  He laughed to himself.

  “You’re laughing,” I shouted incredulously. “Don’t you miss me? Isn’t this hard for you?”

  “I never left,” he said. “That’s the big cosmic joke. I’ve been with you through everything you thought I was missing, even your last job when you got laid off.”

  I put my head down. “Oh,” I mumbled. “You saw that one.”

  “Listen to me,” he repeated. “If I knew what I do now, I wouldn’t have wasted so much goddamn time worrying…always waiting for the worst. My own wedding…my mind was all over the place when all I wanted to do was look at your beautiful mother.”

  He took my hands in his rugged, furry, always larger hands.

  “Don’t waste your time,” he warned. He was so intense, like he used to be when he was talking about the “idiots in Washington,” only more so. “Don’t indulge your anxiety. It’s meaningless. It blocks life from getting in.” He gestured to his heart. “Listen to music and really hear it. When your friends talk, really listen. Don’t let the troubles wander in.”

  But there was a question I had to know the answer to. He must have sensed it because he smiled and said, “Dammit, almost forgot the reason I came here.”

  He looked around again.

  “Your wedding,” he continued. “It’s okay by me.”

  He started to turn away.

  “Wait!” I called. “Really? You aren’t upset that she’s a woman?”

  “She’s a nice-looking woman.”

  “But Dad—”

  “I never told you or your mother,” he said, “but when I was in the army there was a guy named Frank. We all kind of knew he was, you know. He was the kindest, bravest guy I ever knew. Everyone thought a lot of him.” There were tears in his eyes. “When you get over on this side,” he said, “you understand that all the crap everyone fights about doesn’t matter. It has no place here. When there’s love, it’s never wrong.” He was looking at Mom.

  He touched my shoulder. “Love is beautiful. The rest is crap.” Then he touched my head like when I was a child and turned away, walking down the beach but toward the stars at the same time.

  “Dad! Wait!” There was never enough time to say all that needed to be said, it seemed.

  Then he was gone.

  Remembering his words, a rare calmness came over me.

  It wasn’t long before the sky was completely black with only a few stars still hanging on. I turned around, seeing that most of my family was dozing off anyway. I was wearing a Cape Cod tourist-type T-shirt, one of the ones Ellie and I had planned to wear together. Joanne noticed it when I first came out with it on.

  “That’s why Mom thought Ellie hadn’t dressed up,” she’d said.

  It was time for me to put everyone out of their misery.

  “Well, guess this means lots of shrimp for everyone!” I clapped my hands, and everyone woke up. Buckets of chilled shrimp and gallons of cocktail sauce were all ready to be consumed.

  I had to face the fact that I’d blown it, destroyed something beautiful with the most beautiful person I’d ever known.

  Chapter Forty-One

  “Left of Center”

  As everyone except Aunt Rita made their way to the seafood snack bar we’d set up, I had no idea that Ellie was back in her motel room ordering the kids to pack to go home. Later I’d learn that she’d changed the channel to catch the weather before they left. She wasn’t coming back to the cottage.

  “Mom!” Matthew whined. After all, he was missing a SpongeBob episode that he’d seen only seven times.

  “I have to check the weather,” Ellie said firmly.

  At the same time, a reporter from a local news channel approached me behind the cottage. A bright camera light assaulted my face. “You’re the author of that blog, The Comfortable Shoe Diaries?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I answered tentatively.

  “Are you getting married tonight?” he asked.

  “Not anymore,” I said sadly.

  “What do you think about gay marriage?” The reporter, a young guy in his twenties, thrust the microphone at me. I could tell that he hoped for a contrary answer to make things interesting. But knowing my blog, he probably wasn’t expecting it.

  “I don’t believe in it,” I answered.

  The reporter was shocked.

  That was the live news that Ellie saw. She sat on the bed, completely broken. “Change it! I don’t want to see any more!” She threw the remote across the bed at Megan and resumed packing.

  The reporter got excited, the microphone was shaking under my chin. “Really? Why’s that?”

  “I don’t believe in gay or straight marriage, just marriage. When you love someone, you love them. Love isn’t an issue to be argued over. It should be a right for everyone. I can’t even believe we’re having this conversation.” With that, I trudged through the sand back to my guests.

  Mom confronted the reporter. “This is a private party,” she declared.

  He took his cue to get off the premises.

  “Well done,” Maddie said. “I always knew you were a romantic.”

  “You could learn from her,” Penny said.

  “How do you know I’m not one?” Maddie asked.

  I overheard Mr. Hutchins asking Nathan about what the reporter had said.

  “I do an online blog,” I explained.

  “You write about bein’ gay?” Mr. Hutchins asked.

  “Different experiences. What it’s like from this side of the fence.” I shrugged, trying not to make a big deal out of it.

  “So you’re tellin’ everyone on the Internet you’re gay?” He couldn’t get past that.

  “There’s lots of blogs like that, Dad,” Nathan said, trying to change the subject.

  Joanne put her arm around me. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

  “I deserved it. I should’ve trusted my heart sooner. Then none of this would’ve happened. I’m an idiot.”

  “No, I’m an idiot.” The crowd parted as she pushed her way through the center. It was Ellie. What I didn’t realize was that my interview had been live on TV.

  “I’m the idiot,” I repeated.

  “You’re both idiots!” Aunt Rita shouted. “Get married or go home.”

  “I heard what you said,” Ellie told me softly. “Thanks to a broken remote I couldn’t change the channel fast enough to miss the best part.”

  My mind raced trying to remember what I’d said.

  “I think I understand you a lot better.” She threw her arms around me tightly.

  Whatever I said, I was so happy that I’d said it. Whatever it was.

  “It’
s like watching Gays of Our Lives,” Bryan sighed.

  Aunt Rita put her arms around me and Ellie. “The trouble with young people,” she stammered. “You all want guarantees on everything, like when you shop for a blouse. The material they use is crap, so you know the damn thing’s gonna tear. You can’t get a guarantee. You pick it up off the rack, get a feel for it, and it either grabs you or it doesn’t. If it does, go with it. Don’t think too much. Just get it and take it home.”

  Her drunken logic made sense.

  “I’m sorry, Ellie,” I whispered. “The minister’s gone.”

  “Your Aunt Rita used to be a notary,” Mom said. “She can do it.”

  Aunt Rita looked suddenly scared. “Only in Florida.”

  “Oh, come on,” Joanne said. “Better a member of the family than someone we don’t know.”

  Aunt Rita said, “I’ve married people, sure. Of course, with two women, I don’t understand it. But I can do it.”

  Mom hesitated. “But Rita, haven’t you had a bit too much?”

  “Not nearly enough,” Aunt Rita muttered to herself.

  Then Mr. Hutchins followed closely behind Aunt Rita, holding her arm to steady her. As each new wave crashed over her feet, she let out a little cry at the sudden bursts of cold. The tide was coming in, getting closer and closer to the back deck. We really had to do it now or never.

  My sister stood beside me, a little emotional because she could finally do something like this for me. Matthew, Megan and Bryan stood beside Ellie. She needed the support; it must have been bittersweet, knowing that a portion of her family believed she was going to hell. Matthew was dressed up in a nice suit, holding up the rings and grinning. Megan held a small bouquet and gave me a nod of approval that, for me, was worth a million dollars.

  “Are you guys okay?” Ellie asked her kids.

  “Uh-huh,” Megan said. “Just hurry up. Mosquitoes.” She waved her hand around.

  “Yes!” Matthew replied emphatically.

  “You like Sydney, don’t you?” Joanne asked.

  “Yes,” Matthew answered. “But it’s better if they get married because we’ll get three Christmases now. At Mom’s house, then Dad’s, then Uncle Bryan’s.”

  Bryan laughed. Apparently, his holiday parties were legendary. It was too bad he couldn’t remember most of the

  Aunt Rita, with Mr. Hutchins holding her up, balanced in the rushing water, still screaming as the freezing water nipped at her ankles. Family and friends kept shooing the nighttime bugs that were attracted to the tiki torches we had set up on the back porch.

  Penny touched Maddie’s leg. Maddie jumped, thinking her intentions might have been different. But she was only smacking a bug on Maddie’s thigh.

  “I now pronounce you…” Aunt Rita stammered. “What do I pronounce you?”

  “Married!” Ellie exclaimed. And we shared a kiss that lasted forever. I lost all track of time and place. She’d given me a kiss that really made me see the stars.

  I glanced out at the beaming crowd. Mom was emotional. Maddie put her jacket around Penny’s shoulders. Morgan and Fran held hands tightly. Bryan dabbed at his eyes, while Nathan tried to sneak a crab leg. My nephews didn’t understand the meaning of this, but they were happy to be involved in any kind of party that involved food.

  Shortly after, Mr. Hutchins approached us. “I didn’t know what to get folks like y’all,” he said. “I asked around town, and I got a lot of the same answer. I don’t know if they were just jokin’.”

  I could see that he was earnest, really trying. So I patted his arm to let him know I appreciated it.

  He reached into his shorts pocket and pulled out a gift certificate to Home Depot. Ellie and I started laughing. Then Fran and Morgan came over and laughed too.

  “So they were kiddin’ me,” Mr. Hutchins said.

  “Oh no,” Fran replied. “That’s right on the money!”

  “Thank you, Mr. Hutchins,” I said. “We’ll use it for sure.”

  “We need a new toilet,” Ellie declared.

  “You’re so romantic,” I laughed, hanging on to her arm.

  Mr. Hutchins turned to everyone. “They just got married and they want a toilet for a weddin’ gift? Y’all are weird.”

  “You have no idea,” Maddie said with a smile.

  It wasn’t exactly as I’d imagined it. Or as Ellie had imagined it. But then again, nothing in our lives had been planned so far. Many things had happened that no one ever expected. And that was okay. Part of learning to relax, for me, meant letting go of whatever I thought was supposed to happen and just letting it be.

  Once again, my heart had shown me the way. And it was right.

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