What Could Have

by D. C. Stone

  Tony scoffed. “Yeah, like kissing Anna in the back of a van was romantic. You should talk, man.”

  Lucas scrubbed his hand over his face in frustration. Exhaustion plagued him. He hadn’t slept a wink, stayed up all night playing the entire scene over and over in his head. Every time he’d reach the part where he saw tears in Annabelle’s eyes, ones she refused to shed in front of him, his stomach rolled. He was sick of hurting her. Tired of wanting her so bad.

  This was exactly why he didn’t want to cross that line with her. And it was nobody’s business what happened between them, but his and Annabelle’s. “Point taken. But look, I don’t know what’s up today. I haven’t had a chance to talk with her.”

  Liar.

  “Damn, maybe you got some issues in the sack if you leave that kind of scowl on a woman’s face the day after.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “No thanks.”

  “Jesus! Do you quit?”

  Tony grinned and crossed his arms. “Nope. I can go all day. Matter of fact, I plan to today. Especially after the topic at this morning’s breakfast.”

  He did a double take on Tony. “What topic?” Anything to get him off the topic regarding Annabelle.

  “I don’t know.” Tony shook his head. “You might not be able to handle this, you know, being such a freaking romantic and all. This is a big boy conversation.”

  “Suck my dick, Tony. Just spit it out.”

  Tony’s grin flashed and his hands motioned around in the air as he spoke. What the hell had him so excited? “So you know how in basic they taught us that only tighty-whities were quote on quote acceptable forms of underwear in uniform?”

  Lucas nodded. “Yeah?” Where the fuck was he going with this?

  “Well, the same was true for the females, but apparently now that we’re out of basic training, they have decided to go back to their original ways, if you know what I mean.”

  Lucas drew his brows tight. “Huh?”

  Tony rolled his eyes. “Dude, meaning thongs, G-strings, whale tails, commando. A few of the females have agreed to help out with the bet as long as they get half the winnings.”

  “Do what? A bet? What the hell are you talking about?” Was it just him or was this shit going over his head?

  “Oh, don’t get your panties in a bunch. It’s just something to have fun with. Everyone is trying to spruce things up a bit before graduation. All we have to do is guess who is wearing what. A right guess gets you a point. Whoever gets the most right, wins the pot. Well, half of it. The girls get the other half. We’re going in twenty a head. You in?”

  “Oh man, you need to be some kind of careful. You ever hear of sexual harassment, bro?”

  Tony swatted the words away. “Whatever. The question is, are you in?” He grinned and glanced over Lucas’ shoulder. Lucas arched a brow and turned to see Annabelle.

  “She in on the bet?”

  “Yup.”

  Damn. Lucas groaned. No, it wasn’t due to the fact that she was participating in the bet. He gave her credit for just playing along with the guys. It was a total Anna thing to do, sexist bet or not. She’d play along so she could be a part of them, blend in to the crowd. He didn’t think she realized, though, that she did anything but blend.

  He walked away from the conversation, because as soon as his eyes landed on Annabelle, his immediate thoughts went to which type of underwear she was wearing. His body liked the idea of a thong.

  A lot.

  He couldn’t trust to be around her right now. Not with battling against wanting her and trying to keep their friendship intact.

  * * * * *

  The day had been one disaster after another. Exhausted, dirty, and cranky, all Anna wanted to do was take a shower, get some food, and go to sleep. Last night, she didn’t sleep at all. Her stomach still churned from everything that happened.

  She wasn’t ready to talk to Lucas, didn’t know if she ever would be. The pain was just too soon, too raw. All through the day, he tried to come up to her. She had to be quick and seek individuals around her, striking up random conversations, just to avoid him. It was childish and wrong, but she didn’t know what to say to him.

  As the day passed, his face grew from concerned into a hard mask. His eyes frosted with anger, and even from a distance, she sensed his simmering temper. They’d have to talk sooner or later. She couldn’t leave things as they were. But she didn’t know if she could handle it today.

  On top of dealing with everything, this evening their orders were being handed down. She had no clue where the Air Force was going to send her. She requested nothing but stateside bases, all of them concentrated in California. She wanted to go home. Unfortunately, rumor was the Air Force didn’t consider anyone’s dream sheet—a way for the military member to request where they’d love to be stationed—but sent recruits to locations based on numbers and on the military’s need. She could end up in Hong Kong for all she knew.

  Wouldn’t that just blow?

  After a quick shower, she changed into her civvies and raced out the door. The squadron training commanders had asked them to reconvene at eighteen hundred hours, and as a leader for her team, she knew better than to be late. The sun still sent heat through the sky, but the day was dying out. Oranges and deeper shades of red flew in abundance across the horizon, promising a very pretty sunset.

  She entered the courtyard and sat at the nearest table to wait for the rest of her unit. Her eyelids were heavy, weighed down with anchors. She put her head on the table and rested her eyes. Maybe sleep would be better than dinner. Besides, she wasn’t up for company and didn’t know if she could continue to avoid Lucas.

  A dark shadow loomed over her, taking the sun away. The bench shifted as someone sat next to her. Without looking, she knew who it was.

  She sighed, turned toward the newcomer, but kept her head resting in the crook of her arm. Glancing up, she met the sweetest whiskey gaze she had ever known.

  “Hey.” Lucas’ voice was soft, his eyes studying hers.

  “Hi.”

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, just tired.” Wow, look at how cordial and stranger-like they were being.

  “Today’s a big day.”

  “Yeah. At least you know where you’re going.”

  “That’s the benefit of signing up Reserve.” He paused, his lips twisting. “Look, are we ever going to talk about what—”

  A loud announcement came from another trainee, signaling the head-training instructor walking into the courtyard and effectively cutting off Lucas’ question. She didn’t want to admit the relief she felt at the interruption, but she couldn’t have the conversation with him today, nor did she think she’d be able to handle any rejection from him, or the light brushoff she suspected it’d be.

  She sat up and rolled her shoulders, glancing over as the instructor walked into the courtyard. “Here goes nothing.”

  “Good luck, Anna.”

  Envelopes were dispersed. By the time she heard her name, she trembled like a leaf in an oncoming winter storm. Her hands shook as she took the package from the instructor and went to sit down. She couldn’t open it, didn’t want to know her future. To be honest, she wanted to hang onto the present, try and build something with Lucas. If these orders were anywhere other than the southeastern United States, any chance they held would be mute.

  Lucas sat as if he, too, were nervous. Shouts of excitement rang around her, some of them followed by groans and curses.

  Oh God…

  She stared at the package, wishing and hoping her prayers went answered with good news. No matter how short of a time they’d known each other, she wanted to stay close to him, needed for this major decision to be simplified by leaving her close to where he’d be.

  Lucas reached for the envelope and pried it gently from her grip. His strong hands made quick work of the seal and he pulled out a thick stack of papers.

  Her orders.

  His hands tightened on the papers as
he read them. He lifted his eyes to hers. His gaze held sadness, loss, and impending change. No longer did she see desire in his whiskey orbs, but now, all that remained was defeat. She knew. Without reading the orders—she knew it wasn’t good.

  He passed her the papers. Tearing her gaze from his, she read her first assignment, detailing the station she would be heading to in just five short weeks. She had two remaining weeks of training before being shipped home for three weeks of leave. Then, off to her first base.

  Italy.

  She was going to Italy.

  Five thousand miles away from where she wanted to be.

  Where she needed to be.

  Her vision blurred. Lucas pulled into his arms and tightened his grip.

  “Shhh, Anna, pull yourself together. Not here. Not now.”

  She wanted to bury her face into his neck and take comfort in his touch. She wanted so much of what she couldn’t have.

  She should be excited to visit such an exotic place. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity. At nineteen, who could say they were going to live in Italy for two years? Who could do that and say they were serving their country?

  “You should be excited. It’s Italy. Everything will work out, Anna. We’ll work it out.”

  How could they?

  Nine

  Only two weeks after getting her orders, two weeks after her world changed, Anna was leaving Texas.

  Her father arrived to see her graduate. He was the reason she joined the military, and while she cursed him in the beginning, now she wanted to thank him. She changed since she first joined. Filled with confidence, self-assurance, she was ready for any challenge. The military had been successful in their plan. They had succeeded in turning her into a better civilian, a soldier for her country.

  Lucas asked her to meet his parents. She agreed, but was unsure now that the day had arrived. She and Lucas resorted to their old ways, joking, carrying on and building their friendship. There had been no more kisses. They hadn’t held hands, or talked about what happened all those nights ago. She didn’t want to make things awkward between them, and from the lack of conversation on his side, she suspected he felt the same. And, the biggest thing of all, something she wasn’t quite sure she felt about—he hadn’t attempted to ask her about any of it.

  Their packed bags waited inside their rooms. Immediately following the ceremony, Annabelle and her father would hop on a plane to San Diego. She’d have no more free time with Lucas. Outside the auditorium, where other families and soon-to-be graduates walked around with the excitement of children in a candy store, all she could think of was how unfair it was.

  The wind pushed a strong gust at her back and she braced against anything or anyone taking her away from this man she’d grown to care about. Her throat thickened, her eyes stung, and she fought to stay in place and not jump in his arms. She tried not to let the pain show, but Lucas squeezed her hand, his support unwavering. Even now.

  The squad was called to attention and the ceremony went off without a hitch. Her father stood on the stage and pinned her with a badge, looking into the camera with a smile she had never seen before. One that spoke of pride and honor. It made the time spent in basic training hell worth it.

  Stepping out of the building, she spotted Lucas waiting across the sidewalk and glanced over to her dad.

  “Hey, Pops? You mind if I take care of something real quick? Meet you at the car?”

  He followed her gaze, picking Lucas out of the crowd. Some sort of struggle washed over her dad’s face, the lines around his eyes tightening, his mouth pulling down into a frown. While he’d met Lucas the night before, and they’d been completely cordial in front of him, her dad hadn’t missed anything. The questions had come one right after another once Lucas had made his exit. So she’d told him, not about the kiss, mind you. But about how close they’d come to be. There wasn’t much she held back from her father.

  “Go ahead, Pumpkin. I’ll go get your bags.”

  She groaned at his nickname. “Daaaaad. Seriously, I’m in uniform.”

  He chuckled and tapped her nose with the tip of one finger. “But you’re still my little girl. Now go on and say goodbye. We need to leave soon to catch our flight.”

  She nodded and headed toward Lucas. He stepped forward and met her halfway. Being in uniform, they couldn’t do more than give a brief hug. Public displays of affection in military garb were a no-no. She didn’t want a short embrace, though. She wanted so much more. Time alone with him, time to actually have that conversation that should have come weeks ago, time to figure out if there was anything more between them than this one simple connection with the military.

  Oh, God. This was going to be hard.

  No crying, Airman. You’re in uniform.

  Plastering on a sad smile, she blinked furiously against the sting in her eyes. “Hey.”

  “Hey yourself.” He paused with a small tilt of his lips. “So this is it.”

  She wanted to act as if she was nonchalant, to pretend like it didn’t matter that they were separating thousands of miles. To pull that cool mask back in place that she always resorted to. Emotions weren’t her thing, she didn’t like showing any weakness, and what she felt for Lucas was definitely a vulnerability. But he always saw through her front, and without saying a word, she knew he saw her now. His eyes stared intently into hers, and roamed over her face, taking it all in as if he was saving details in order to recall them later. She pulled her gaze away, trying like hell to hold it all in.

  This was going to tear her apart. Her heart clenched. “It is. We’re heading to the airport now.”

  “So I heard.” He shifted, and she felt his eyes on her, almost as if he were pleading silently for her to look at him. She couldn’t.

  “Anna, please, look at me.”

  She drew in a deep breath and hated how it sounded shaky. In the distant blue sky, clouds passed in a lazy trail and an airplane flew in a straight path. The world continued to spin around her, life going on, but in her mind, everything seemed to stop. “Luc, I don’t know if I can.”

  “Do it.”

  She swallowed, and turned to him. His finger brushed beneath her chin and lifted her face to meet his gaze. Liquid filled her vision, his face hazy behind her tears.

  He smiled softly. “Hey now. There you are.”

  Her nose stung and she forced out air behind her pursed lips. “I can’t breathe, Luc. I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t say it.”

  “Yes, you can, and you will. Give me a hug.”

  “Please don’t ask me to. I won’t be able to hold it together. I don’t want to say…” She couldn’t say the word. It was too final.

  “Yes, you can, and you will.” He didn’t let her decide and instead drew her into his arms. Their bodies came together and everything built up cracked through her chest. This was exactly where she wanted to be, her home. He was her rock. Her best friend. He had worked his way into her heart, set up shop, and rekeyed the entire organ so no other could enter. She sobbed, unable to hold it in.

  “Hush, Anna. Everything is going to work out. You have your entire life ahead of you, and you’re going places. You’ll see. This is just another step you have to get over.”

  Nodding her head, well aware of how long they had embraced, she pulled away and swiped under her eyes. Before she was able to dash another tear away, Lucas did it for her.

  “I’ll never forget you, Anna.”

  He cleared his throat and turned, taking her heart with him.

  Ten

  A week had passed since graduation, and despite being in beautiful, sunny San Diego, Annabelle was anything but optimistic about her time home. Everything was the same, her friends either out drinking all night or smoking weed. She couldn’t be around that any longer. Not after what she’d pledged herself to. Plus, there was no way she could be tempted, and getting caught with underage drinking could give her a lot more trouble than just a ticket from a cop. There would be disciplinary a
ctions, court martials, and possible brig time.

  She spent entirely too much time thinking about Lucas and missed him something fierce. Lying on her bed, she covered her eyes with her arm. She should be excited about her upcoming assignment. Her parents were beyond enthusiastic. She just couldn’t manage to pull together anything. Her dad told her she was young and would bounce back, to grab the life dished to her and enjoy it while she could because it was too short. You never knew when it would end.

  She agreed, and a loss of her closest friend only eight months earlier had cemented that advice. But the comment, nor her knowledge of how true it was didn’t change anything. She still missed Lucas. There was no way she would see him, and she needed to get over it. He lived across the United States and she would be heading for Italy soon.

  Her phone rang. Picking it up, she mumbled, “Hello.”

  “You sound cheerful. Partying too hard, huh?”

  She sat up, the air freezing in her lungs. “Luc?”

  “Who else would it be? You mean to tell me you already replaced me? Ah, my poor heart. This old man can’t take it.”

  She snorted. “Old man. Goof. You’re only three years older. How are you?”

  A beat of silence passed. “If you really want the truth, I miss you when you’re gone. I’ve been thinking… What do you say about me coming out for a day to see you?”

  She blinked, her heart melting. Trying not to let the excitement show in her voice, she cleared her throat—twice, and took a deep breath. “Really? You’d do that?”

  “Yes. Really.”

  “I’d love for you to come out. When? How?”

  “How about the day after next? I’ll be there in the morning and leave early evening. I have a wedding I need to attend up in LA.”

  She clutched the phone in her hand. “I can’t fucking wait.”

  His low laugh rumbled over the line. “Tell me how you really feel,” he said wryly.

  Wasn’t that the question of the year?

  She couldn’t speak, the words bringing forth the truth. She bit her lip. Maybe they should just do this now. Maybe it was time. But over the phone? Is that how she wanted this to happen? “Life is too short, Anna,” her dad’s words echoed in her head.