Unspoken

by Liz McMullen

  Desiree had never heard the story of how her parents met, she was not permitted to ask her mother any personal questions. Desiree was to be seen and not heard, ever.

  “Celine was my best friend, my only friend at boarding school.”

  Desiree’s jaw dropped, but her mother wasn’t looking at her.

  Rosalie stood and rested her hand on the windowpane. “I did not make friends easily, but she was so free. So kind to everyone. I was hopelessly in love. I never planned to tell her.”

  Desiree could not believe it. Her mother was, well her mother was not straight?

  “On the last day of school, she found me alone in my room. I was brooding.” Rosalie toyed with her pendant, sliding it along the chain. “She knelt before me, but I could not tell her why I was upset. I knew if I opened my mouth, I would either confess or cry. Maybe both.”

  Desiree kept her silence, knowing that her mother might not continue if interrupted.

  “She kissed me.” Rosalie’s laugh was sad. “I cried.”

  She turned around and faced Desiree. “She was brave. I was not.”

  “What happened?”

  “I met your father. It was understood that we would marry. I did what my mother expected of me. I did not cry.”

  “What happened to Celine?”

  “I do not know.” Rosalie’s eyes were moist, her tears falling like rain. She did not sob.

  When Desiree went to comfort her, her mother raised her hand.

  “Please,” was all Rosalie said for quite some time. Dusk began to fall. Desiree was tiring but refused to give into her exhaustion. Her mother was sharing something important, something that would remain a secret if Desiree interrupted her. Of that she was sure.

  “I have been hard with you. I have punished you for being brave and seeking happiness.” Rosalie dried her tears with a lace handkerchief but still would not accept Desiree’s offer of support. “I thought if I was firm enough, you would choose obligation over passion.”

  “But why?”

  “If you did not, how could I forgive my own cowardice?” Rosalie leaned against Desiree’s desk and seemed to shrink. “That would mean I wasted my life, squandered Celine’s love, and for what?”

  Desiree was desperate to go to her mother, but she knew Rosalie could not take it. She had been punishing herself her whole life. Kindness could break her.

  “I have money, prestige, but not happiness. I’m a lonely, bitter woman.” She laughed. “I tried to make you in my own image, but you would not let me. Brave girl.” Rosalie finally sat, as if the last of the air was leaving her. She crushed her tearstained handkerchief. “I could have lost you.” One final tear escaped her lashes. “I lost Celine, but I couldn’t bear to lose you. Even if you no longer want me.”

  Desiree couldn’t hold back. She knelt in front of her mother and grasped her cold hands. “You are my mother and I love you.”

  Rosalie caressed Desiree’s cheek with tenderness. “Sweet girl.”

  “Thank you for trusting me.”

  “God gave you back to me. I could not dishonor such a gift.”

  Desiree wrapped her arms around her mother. “Je t’aime.”

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Porter Hall

  “Hey, Jodeci, can I speak to Rowan?” Desiree’s hand was shaking. She gripped the phone tighter, so she wouldn’t drop it.

  “You must be Desiree. I’m Maggie, Rowan’s mama.”

  All the blood drained from Desiree’s face, how…what could she say?

  “You still there? Jodeci’s phone is so big, I don’t know where to put my mouth or where the earphone is hiding.” Maggie laughed. “I’m getting too old for this stuff. Give me a rotary phone anytime. Those were better phones, especially when hanging up.”

  Desiree grinned. The only old-fashioned phones she had ever seen were in her grand-mère’s house, and they were porcelain with gold fixtures. She wouldn’t even breathe on one, never mind use it to call someone. “I can’t believe Jodeci gave you her phone. She must be prowling around like a wolf who’s lost her paw.”

  “She’s a good girl.”

  Jodeci would pass out if someone called her a good girl or maybe laugh her ass off. “I like her.”

  “No landlines in the house and I can barely use the remote on my TV at home, never mind carrying one of these around. So she gave me one. I sprang for one of those disposable phones criminals use. Gives her street cred.”

  Desiree laughed so hard she snorted. It was quite painful but worth it. “Oh my God, I can’t breathe.”

  Maggie laughed with her, then grew serious. “What are we going to do with my baby? She’s only started eating since you left the hospital.”

  That knocked the wind out of Desiree and she sat down. The shakes returned, and she was trying very hard not to cry.

  “Ya can’t talk to the young ones that way, they’re too sensitive.” Desiree heard an older man say in the background. He had a loud voice, so it wasn’t hard to overhear their conversation. “Desiree, you still there, love?” Maggie’s voice was softer now. It helped Desiree settle.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Pappy, she’s callin’ me ma’am. I’m in trouble now.”

  “I’m too busy cooking this soup to tan your hide. Behave yourself now,” Pappy warned Maggie; laughter followed.

  Desiree figured this was a part of the rhythm of their life. She wondered what her own life would have been like if the barbs slung in her house came from a place of love and were never meant to wound. “Ms. Knight,” Desiree tried again.

  “Oh Christ, she’s callin’ my dear mother from her grave. Do you think she will answer?”

  “What day is it?” Pappy asked.

  “Wednesday.”

  “Nah, she’s playing cribbage with Bridget Monahan. Not even a fire could chase her from the game.”

  “All right then. Desiree, Mama can’t come to the phone.”

  Desiree giggled.

  “Please call me Maggie, and that’s my father Pappy in the background. I know you can hear him. Mama says he gives her headaches from the beyond.”

  Desiree laughed harder. “Maggie, is Rowan taking visitors?” She had wanted to rush over the second Jodeci told her Rowan was in a bad way, but Suzie had told her to wait, to ask permission.

  “She might not want you to see her this way,” Suzie had said gently, not wanting to hurt Desiree’s feelings.

  “My Rowan has not said one word since I got here.” It didn’t sound like Maggie was crying, but the sunshine had left her words. “She’s been eatin’ a bit since you woke. Told her to visit you and try that Sleeping Beauty kiss, but she wouldn’t even look her own mama in the eyes.”

  “I don’t want to intrude.” Desiree’s courage was flagging more by the minute. She didn’t want to hear this, but she would never disrespect Maggie by hanging up the phone.

  “Nonsense,” Maggie said with a little more cheer. “Can you think of something that might make my baby smile, help her come back to herself? I’ve tried all I can, and Pappy’s running out of Irish lullabies and has switched to the tamer drinking songs. I drew the line at anything that might be sung at a funeral.”

  “No ‘Danny Boy,’ then?” Desiree tried to join the spirit of teasing that surrounded the Knight clan.

  “Nope, and absolutely no bagpipes.” Maggie began to whisper, “My Da is tone-deaf. My brains would be mush if he tried to play. Thank God he didn’t pack his mandolin.”

  Rowan had never talked about her family, and Desiree realized it wasn’t for the same reason she didn’t talk about her own. Her upbringing shone through by the way she treated those around her. Like that night with the… “Oh, I know!”

  “Atta girl, I knew you were a smart one.”

  “Rowan fixed this pot of cider, cranberries, and—”

  “Ah, my fall brew, makes the house smell lovely, now doesn’t it? Go on, girl, tell me your plan.”

  “I think if you cook it, she might be
drawn back to happier memories.”

  “So you made my Rowan happy? You’re a sweet girl.”

  Desiree felt all warm inside. Talking with Maggie Knight was like being hugged and loved with laughter all at once. She was looking forward to meeting her. Desiree had another idea brewing, but she need to go on a little field trip to Atkins Farms first. “I think I did.”

  “This place is as gloomy as an empty cabin. I’ll freshen it up just right.” Desiree heard a few cabinets opening and closing and the rattle of the refrigerator door. “I have all I need here.” There was a brief pause before Maggie continued. “Thank you for helping me get my baby back.”

  Desiree hoped she wouldn’t let her down.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Cranberries. Cider. Cinnamon. Citrus. Rowan smiled, wondering if Desiree started a fresh pot to wake her up. Mornings were always a drag, and they had barely slept. Rowan reached out and found the bed cold.

  She bolted upright. The room was dark, but her alarm clock’s red digits read 11:00 a.m. Another familiar smell caused her to pause. Old Spice aftershave, the kind Pappy wore. When she heard her mama singing in the kitchen, she nearly tripped over her own feet to get there.

  “Ah, my sleepyhead awakes. I’ll alert the media,” Maggie teased her daughter. “Now sit down and let me brush your hair.”

  Rowan swayed, lightheaded. Her mother guided her to the kitchen table and helped her sit.

  “That’s my girl.” Maggie sighed. “All this long beautiful hair. I’m sure glad you kept it rather than looking like that rogue Jodeci.” She tut-tutted. “I’ve seen her brush that hair and it still looks like she’s spent a night with one of her lady friends.”

  “Oh, Mama.” Rowan was surprised at how hoarse her voice was. As if she hadn’t spoken in days. “Mama, why are you here? Da will starve without you.”

  “Your sister Rosie’s lookin’ after him. He’ll live.” Maggie went to her purse and pulled out a brush. She took hold of a handful of hair and started brushing out the knots at the tips and slowly worked her way higher. “Love, you’ve been in a car accident.”

  The blood drained from Rowan’s face. “Nicola?”

  “Nicola’s right next to Ma.” Maggie counted out fifty strokes and stepped behind Rowan to work on another section. “And before you go crazy, Desiree is perfectly healthy. She just needed some extra sleep.” She started counting again. When fifty strokes were through, she stepped to Rowan’s other side to finish. “It’s you who has been giving me gray hairs. Pappy ran out of songs to sing you. Breaks his heart you didn’t join him in at least one.”

  “Pappy’s here?”

  “Yes, lass, I am.” Pappy walked in, bringing the cold with him.

  “Da, close that door. It’s colder than a witch’s tit outside and I don’t want my baby to catch the flu.”

  “Language, young lady.”

  “Oh, Da, that boat sailed a long time ago.”

  Just then, she had a flash, the last moments before…the crash. The smell of gasoline. “She wouldn’t wake, Mama. Desiree wouldn’t wake up. I thought—”

  “The Lord blessed you both.”

  The sound of Big Ben startled Rowan, and it took her a second to realize it was her cell phone.

  “Jodeci kept it charged for you and made sure it was on. Just in case you woke up and needed her.” Maggie sat down and took her daughter’s hands in her own. “She’s a good friend and you have given her a fright. I’m thinking a case of Guinness for starters.”

  “And potato soup with the good bacon,” Pappy added as he lowered himself into the chair beside Rowan. “Oh, and that brown bread. You bake it so lovely, I feel I am back in Ireland.”

  Rowan blushed. She had never been good with compliments. The sound of the old clock tower interrupted her discomfort. She stood and wilted, sitting back down. She gripped to the table until the dizziness passed.

  “Pappy slice her up some corned beef, real thin. She’s not eaten properly in a while. I’ll butter her some soda bread after I get her phone.”

  Rowan didn’t protest when the plate piled high with homemade goodness was put before her. One taste of the buttery bread and raisins fueled her hunger. “Starving.”

  Maggie bent down and kissed Rowan on the head. “That’s my girl.”

  Rowan made herself slow down. She didn’t want to get sick.

  “Pappy, come walk me to that fancy-pants coffee shop where that rogue works. I want to see if I can make that handsome girl blush and ruin her bad-boy reputation.”

  Pappy coughed; the smoker’s cough never went away. Too many years and too many packs of cigarettes had made sure of it.

  “Dress warm, Pappy, it gets colder up here,” Rowan said.

  Pappy cupped her face with his soft, yet weathered hands. “I’ve missed you, lass.” He kissed her forehead and dressed like a man ready for a blizzard.

  Maggie tugged on the wool sweater Pappy had brought back from Connemara and buttoned up her navy peacoat. “I have Jodeci’s cell phone if you need me.” And with that, two of the people she loved most in the world were gone.

  The house was quiet, but her mother’s version of air freshener made the house feel more cozy. She pushed the empty plate aside and checked her texts. The first text was of a bench. Rowan caressed the photo. It was where she and Desiree had sat, right in front of Paradise Pond. The caption made her heart beat faster.

  “I’ll be there in an hour. Come sit with me. We don’t need to talk. I’d just like your company.”

  Rowan double tapped on the picture and dragged it so it was larger. The small island in the background reminded her of something precious. Desiree never asked about Nicola. She just sat there and gave Rowan comfort.

  “See you there.”

  Desiree replied with a smile emoji. “Dress warm. I’ll bring a blanket.”

  Rowan returned to her bedroom and caught sight of herself in her dresser mirror. She’d lost weight. She looked at her shiny brushed hair. “Well, that stinker.” Rowan laughed. “She was getting me ready for a date.” Her cheeks warmed. The fact that Mama and Pappy approved of Desiree made her happy.

  She pinned her hair up and took a quick shower. Her corduroy pants hung loose at the waist, and she had to cinch them with a belt. She spritzed her wrists and between her breasts with cologne and pulled on a turtleneck sweater.

  Wrapped in the wool scarf Rosie had knitted her for Christmas last year, Rowan put on her longer down jacket. It would, at least, keep her butt and the tops of her thighs warm. She unpinned her hair and ran her fingers through it. It was still smooth and untangled. Her heart warmed with her mother’s love.

  Another text came through, this time from Jodeci’s cell. “Some nice young man invited us to his inn. He says he has some lovely rooms for me and Pappy. Jodeci says he’s an amazing cook. If he wasn’t light in the loafers, your father would be in trouble.”

  Rowan laughed so hard, tears came to her eyes. Her mom was a trip. She also didn’t get that texts were supposed to be short. She wrote some so long, they were term paper worthy.

  She checked her reflection in the hallway mirror. “God, I could frighten a ghost.” There was nothing to be done about it. She made sure all the locks were “New York” secure and was on her way.

  Chapter Thirty-six

  Paradise Pond

  Desiree scrolled through her Facebook notifications, trying to kill time. She had already read Rowan’s short, affirmative response over and over again. She even used the text-to-voice option but found it too weird to be comforting. After arriving fifteen minutes early, she’d already made use of the thick fleece-lined flannel blanket as she sat on a park bench facing the lake. The blue plaid matched the sheets on her bed but they clashed when used together.

  She heard a throat clear behind her and stood up so fast she became dizzy and had a bit of a headache—the lingering effects of her concussion. Rowan pulled Desiree into her arms.

  “Easy, Des. I’m in no shape to carr
y you to safety.”

  Desiree soaked in the connection, but her heart clenched at how thin Rowan had become. “I need to fatten you up like a goose. I’ll pack a picnic next time.”

  Rowan released her, reached down to grab the blanket, and motioned for Desiree to join her. “Mama and Pappy are on it, but thanks.”

  Desiree had questions, things she wanted to say, but right now, snuggling into Rowan’s embrace was all she needed. Rowan may have lost weight, but her arms still gave her calm and made her feel safe. Loved. She may not be in love with Rowan yet, but Desiree knew she was on her way.

  As the silence grew, Rowan’s body relaxed further.

  The sounds of the woods surrounded them: leaves rustling on tree branches and swirling on the ground in a breeze that was more pleasant than chilling. Desiree tucked the blanket more securely around Rowan.

  Rowan smelled yummy. The cologne went well with the fragrance of apples, cranberries, and cinnamon. Desiree was thinking of getting a few candles to reproduce the amazing fragrance, but they were forbidden in dorms though most students used them.

  “Nicola wanted to go to Mount Holyoke, but got pregnant in her junior year.” Rowan’s eyes took on a faraway look as if she was hurting for Nicola’s loss. “She went to a Catholic school, so they gave her the boot. Didn’t matter that she lost the baby. There was no going back for her.”

  Desiree drew Rowan’s hand onto her lap and warmed it with her own. Rowan looked at their joined hands for a good minute. Desiree could tell that the tears were not far away.

  “She never got over it, losing her dreams and her baby.” Rowan shook a bit as she repressed a sob. “Nicola was real smart. She started keepin’ the books at some local shops. Eventually got her GED, went to community college.” Rowan let out a sigh. “I was the only one she let see her cry.”

  A breeze fluttered her hair and Desiree brushed it back away from her face. Rowan’s tears were breaking her heart. She tried to brush them away, but there were too many.