I don’t look at Jake. Instead, I hit the garage switch, pull my car in, which I never do, and unlock the door to the house, all while praying that the tint on the rental is enough to hide the girls. I dig out my phone and call Daryn asking him to get the girls. He’s concerned and I quickly tell him I have a minor crisis and I’ll explain later. He grumbles a bit and tells me that he can be here in fifteen.
I turn on some cartoons for the girls and walk outside to Jake’s idling truck. He turns it off and gets out. His larger than life frame is still new and slightly intimidating to me. He smiles and motions to the house, “Can we go inside to talk?” he asks.
I shake my head no, “Jake, I thought you were going to call me. You really shouldn't have just shown up here. We do need to talk, but not here.”
“Is it because you got a kid?” he asks throwing me for a complete loop. I don’t know what to say to him. My look of ‘how the hell did you know that’ prompts him to explain.
“I saw some soccer balls in the back of your SUV. Plus the sidewalk chalk all over your driveway is a pretty big clue.”
My heart feels heavy in my chest and I feel a swell of panic. My hands visibly shake and I try to clasp them together so that Jake won’t notice. I don't even know why I’m panicking. It’s not like I did anything wrong.
“June?” Jake’s voice is laced with concern for me. I put my hand up to tell him I’m okay when I hear another car approach and and car door open and close.
“Who are you?” Daryn asks as he approaches. His tall stature matches Jake’s. Next to these brooding males, I feel small.
I meet Daryn’s concerned gaze. “It’s okay, Daryn. He’s a friend.”
“Who are you?” Jake asks mirroring Daryn, his body is locked like he’s ready for anything. I’m still shaken, but know that I need to defuse the situation.
“Hey Daryn, can I talk to you for a second?” I lead him towards the house and leave Jake without giving him an explanation. Jake showed up here unannounced, so I really don't think I need to give him one.
“Once I’m out of earshot from Jake, I pull Daryn to the side. “What’s going on, June?” Daryn asks.
“That’s Lily’s dad,” I whisper, “and I just became reacquainted with him. When I found out I was pregnant with Lily, I tried to contact him. I sent him letters and he never responded. I have to tell him about Lily and I don’t want her here when I do. I don’t know how he’s going to react.”
“Holy shit,” Darryn runs his hand through his hair and a look of disbelief flashes across his face.
“Yeah, I’m sorry to call you here in such a rush, but do you think I can go for a ride with him and you can get the girls out of here? I just need to make sure that this doesn’t fall back on Lily in a bad way.”
“Do you think this guy will hurt either of you? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, I’m really not comfortable with this, June.” His eyes dart from me to Jake.
“I’ve known him since I was fifteen. It will be okay.” I want to ease Daryn’s fears.
“Then, where the hell has he been all these years?”
I look over my shoulder at Jake nervously, “Can I explain later?”
“Alright June, I’ll bring them to my place.”
“Thank you, and thank you for getting here so fast. If he saw her before I told him, I’m not sure how that would go down.”
“Call me, okay?” he says looking at me skeptically like he’s unsure how this will all play out then walks into the house.
I turn and walk quickly over to Jake. He is leaning against his truck with one boot propped up against the tire. He’s wearing jeans with a small tear in the knee and a black t-shirt that hugs his well-built chest. His eyes are trained on me. “Is that guy your boyfriend?” he asks once I reach him.
“No, he’s not. Listen, I want to grab something from the house, and then can you take me somewhere?”
“Yeah,” he says, gives me a chin lift and then continues to stare at me as I walk away, even with my back to him, I can feel his eyes boring into me.
I walk in as Daryn is helping the girls with a snack. “I just need to grab something from upstairs,” I say and quickly run up the stairs and into my closet. I move a bunch of thick wool sweaters from the top shelf and grab the stack of letters that are bound with a rubber band. I give Lily a kiss telling her I’ll have news soon and fly out the door.
“What’s that?” Jake asks as I make my approach, the old letters clutched tightly to my chest.
I reach past him, open the door to his truck, set the letters down and use the handle to hoist myself up, “You should know what these are,” I close the door and watch as he rounds the truck and gets in.
The cab feels small and suffocating once I’m closed in the small area with Jake. He starts the truck and pulls away from the curb. “Where to June?”
“Anywhere. I want to tell you about my daughter.”
“A daughter,” he mumbles under his breath like he’s getting used to that idea. “Was that guy the dad?”
“No, Jake.” I gulp knowing there is no time like the present. I roll down the window a little hoping the fresh air will make this easier. A warm breeze hits me, and I take a deep breath preparing myself for what is about to come.
“These are the letters I wrote you that you never responded to. I want to read you one.”
“June, I know I caused you pain. I’m so sorry. We don't need to rehash those letters.”
“You need to hear it, Jake,” I say sternly annoyed that he is trying to brush aside what I have to tell him, even now. I pull the rubber band off of the stack and grab a random letter since they pretty much all say the same thing.
“Dear Jake,
I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why you won’t read any of my letters or what happened. I tried to make things right, but that stupid prosecutor wouldn’t hear anything I had to say and now I know I have to look out for someone else. It breaks my heart that you don’t know. I’ll probably get this letter back too. I don’t even know why I’m trying. That’s not true. I want you to know what you have waiting for you.
I went to the doctor’s today. I’m twenty-two weeks along and they did another ultrasound, since the last time this little peanut wouldn’t uncross her legs. And do you know what? She finally showed us the goods. That’s right, I said she. We’re having a baby girl. I decided to name her Lily. I know if you…”
Jake quickly pulls into the Walmart parking lot that we were about to pass and throws the truck into park.
He’s breathing hard and gripping the steering wheel tight. His head moves forward against the steering wheel like he’s trying to contain his anger. “Fuck,” he hisses making me flinch.
I take a deep breath continuing the letter, knowing I need him to hear every word of at least one of them.
“I know if you knew about her you would want her to have your Mom’s name. It’s the only thing I can think to give her.
“Heck, maybe you wouldn't want her either since I’m beginning to feel like you never wanted me. What was this? Was it all a joke? I wish to God you would just answer one of these letters. Please. We need you. Even if you’re in there. I’m scared to death of doing this without you, but I swear to God I’m going to love this little girl enough for the both of us.
Dammit, Jake! Open a letter.
Here’s her ultrasound.
I love you and am so pissed at you I can barely breathe. If you would just answer a freaking letter.
June”
I rub my thumb over the black and white image of Lily.
“Jake, Lily is your daughter,” I announce wanting to make sure everything sinks in.
“Fuck,” he hisses a second time hitting the steering wheel over again.
I’m crying silently, overwhelmed with the emotion of this.
“You gave her my mother’s name,” he finally whispers.
I nod, “She has your eyes.”
He’s silent for a moment and then says, “I didn�
�t know. I thought I was protecting you. Shit.”
“You weren't protecting me. You abandoned me.”
“Eli could’ve killed you, or put you behind bars and then who would she have had?” he yells.
“You. She would’ve had you.”
“If you’re asking me to be sorry that I did what I had to do to protect my family, I won’t do it.”
“Then, what about the two years you’ve been out?” I ask angrily because he referred to us as his family.
“I didn't know,” he says desperately.
“Yes, because you couldn’t open one letter,” I shove the letters at him. “If you didn’t want me, you should’ve just opened a letter and responded. At least, you would’ve known about Lily. And I get it if you don't want her too. I’ve done fine for the last six years without you and we’ll be okay.” I know he has his reasons for staying away, but it hurts still. All of it feels so raw, and I want him to hurt for how much I’ve hurt. I want him to hurt for the hole he’s left in Lily’s life. She deserved to know that she has a father.
Jake inhales and the entire atmosphere in the cab changes. I don't know how I know it, but I know that whatever is going to come out of his mouth is going to change everything.
“I wanted you. I wanted you so badly that it killed me every time I’d see a letter and knew that if I opened it and read your words, I’d break and put you in danger. I knew I couldn't have you, but I wanted you. God, if you only knew how much I love you. Loved you then and I love you now. Whether you want me or not, I’m not going anywhere. It’s been you and only you every day since I was seventeen. You’ve always been the only one for me, so don’t for one second think that I don't want you.
“I should’ve come for you when I got out. As much as I wanted you, I wanted you to have a good life. I didn't know that all these years later, I’d still be a part of yours. I wanted you to be happy. Fuck, June. I don’t give a shit about any of that anymore. I want you and I want her and I don’t give a fuck about anything other than that,” he pants hard staring at me, waiting for me to give him something. Anything.
My heart feels so much; the beating is a rapid drum. It’s on overload. I prayed to hear these words, but at the same time, they scare the shit out of me. They make my heart beat so wildly, letting in a barrage of feelings.
“You want me?” I ask my chin wobbling.
“Jesus, June. With every breath. Every single breath I take, I want you.”
Jake leans over me. He’s so close, his fresh soap fills my nose. He unlocks my seatbelt and in a swift move scoops a hand under me and cradles me in his lap.
He strokes the side of my head, then places a kiss at my temple. I curl into him, wrapping my arms around his chest. I don’t want to be angry. I don't want to hurt. He wants me and he wants Lily. How can I be truly angry at him for wanting to protect me? I take a deep breath. I can let our stolen years fester and burn, or I can breathe them in and then let them go. It was unfair the way the world dealt our cards, but they were dealt and now I need to play my hand. I lift my face towards his and place a light kiss along his jaw, hoping that what he’s saying is true and that he wants me as much as I’ve always wanted him.
“In all these years, I’ve never stopped loving you,” I admit and kiss his neck leaving myself completely vulnerable.
He breathes out a low rumbly breath, “Thank Christ,” he captures my chin in his hand and then in the most melodic rumbly voice demands, “Give me your lips.”
I press my mouth to his and it’s like coming home. Our lips collide and then part for our tongues. It feels like everything that's been broken is put back together. His mouth moves ever so slowly, his tongue is making sweet love to me. He nips and sucks. His hands cradle the sides of my face and his lips finally pull away from mine. His eyes dart back and forth searching my eyes.
“I can’t believe this is real. God, I love you. Always have. Never stopped. Never,” he whispers and then kisses me again. This time, it’s hard and demanding. His lips practically bruise me and when his tongue enters my mouth it’s on a thrust and instead of feeling like he’s making love to my mouth, it’s a hard fuck.
Pounding.
Earth shattering.
Breathtaking.
Every second of missed time together and all of the anger and passion between us is put into this kiss. I grasp his shoulders holding on for the ride, feeling every bit of emotion that he pours into it. His hands tug at the sides of my hair and with as much fierceness I claw at his chest.
Our chests press together and I feel his heart beating in rhythm with my own.
Thump. Thump. A strong beat in perfect unison.
Thump. Thump. Every part of me feels alive and like I am finally whole again.
A door slams next to ours and I remember we’re in a Walmart parking lot. Jake releases the kiss and presses his forehead to mine. We stay like this, staring into the depths of each other’s eyes, as our breathing returns to normal. This is a feeling unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s grounding, yet euphoric, a peaceful happiness that I never knew existed.
He pulls away from me and lets out a deep breath, “So, about this guy at your house?”
“He’s Lily’s best friend’s dad. He lost his wife to cancer and he’s a single dad. We help each other out. I pick the girls up from school and he watches Lily for me when I work Saturdays. He’s bringing the girls to his place.”
His face looks disturbed and he shakes his head, “You’ve been going at this by yourself for so long.”
“I’ve had my Mom and Dad, Liz and Daryn. We’ve done alright.”
“Still, she’s what six? I can’t believe it. All this time, I thought I was keeping the darkness away from you,” he shakes his head like he can’t believe the mistakes he made, “I fucked up.”
“Shh,” I kiss his lips, silencing him. We won’t get anywhere beating each other up.
He breaks the kiss and sets me back down in my seat then buckles me in and starts the truck. The stores pass by in a blur of neon signs.
“Where are we going?” I ask, a nervous uncertainty curling around me.
“Back to your house. I’ve never needed anything like I need to be inside of you right now.”
I sigh because I need that too. I’m overwhelmed with emotion, but I know I have to have him and I don’t want to wait. There’s too much between us to take our time. We’ve both been craving us for far too long. I stare at him as he drives. The anticipation of having him again overwhelms me, but on the other hand, I’m completely shocked that this is where we are, driving to my place to have sex. No, that's not right. Sex is too casual a word for what we’re about to do.
Minutes later, we pull into the driveway and I notice right away that Daryn’s car is gone. Jake is out of the truck, opening my door and pulling me into my house in what feels like seconds. I don't waste time showing him around. We are on a mission. I lead him up the stairs and towards my room, but he freezes mid-step in the hallway. I stop knowing what has caught his attention. All along the hallway are pictures of Lily. Some are of the two of us, but most of them are of her.
There are black and whites starting at birth. Her chubby peach skin sitting next to a pumpkin on Halloween. Me with my head thrown back swinging her in a circle. Moments capturing our life together. Moments without him, and I feel the loss like I do every time I walk down this hallway.
“She’s beautiful, June,” he says tracing his finger over the 8x10 portrait of Lily on her fourth birthday. I wrap my arms around his waist and stay with him as he follows her short life from picture to picture. Once he reaches the end of the hall, I take his callused hand and lead him to my room.
Anguish mixed with love covers his face. I can tell he’s at war with the emotions waging inside of him. I suppose this is why I was panicking about him knowing. I didn’t want this to hurt him, because even though he had no clue about Lily, I knew this moment would tear him in two.
“Jake,” I say shu
tting us in my room and leading him to the bed. He sits automatically, staring past me, blankly at nothing in a state of shock. It’s one thing to hear you have a daughter, it’s another to see her.
I stand in front of Jake needing to take this loss away from him. And maybe I can't do that. But maybe I can fill his heart with something new. Without any reservations, I begin unbuttoning my shirt. I slip out of it and let it fall to the ground. His eyes darken, but he is still inside of himself. I reach behind my waist and unzip my skirt, letting that pool on the floor. I’m wearing a black lace demi-cup bra, matching black lace underwear and my conservative heels.
He takes in a deep breath and I know I have him back. “Touch me,” I say needing his hands on me and igniting something fierce within him.
I’m no longer in charge and leading this. His hands are on my waist and pulling me to him. He bends and kisses my stomach, his tongue traces a pattern. My hands grip his back. I want nothing more than to feel his skin. I need to feel his body against mine. I need the constant reminder that this is real and not a dream. His skin against mine is one of the things grounding me to this moment. I cherish his touch.
Slowly, his mouth moves along my navel making goosebumps rise over my skin. His thumbs brush tentatively over my small cesarean scar. His eyes meet mine and I give him a gentle nod letting him know that everything was okay, that I’m okay. He resumes his kisses. His rough hands move against my skin, upwards until he reaches the outline of my bra. Jake’s thumb traces the outline of the material and his warm breath blows against the lace. He bites at my already hardened nipple through the black barrier making my insides pulse at the need I have for him.
“Take off your shirt,” I plead knowing his hands on my skin are no longer enough. I need to feel all of him against me. Jake doesn't hesitate; he lifts his arms and pulls his t-shirt free from his body, and holy shit. I knew Jake was bigger than before, but I had no idea. Each muscle on his chest is formed in deep ridges. Tattoos cover his entire chest and my breath hitches when I see a small sprite nestled against Juniper berries right over his heart. Her fairy wings are realistic almost like feathers and the small blue berries are a unique contrast. “Jake,” I sigh, feeling my chin wobble. The sudden onslaught of emotions from seeing me so clearly branded on his chest seeps out as a single tear trickles down my cheek.
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