Tomorrow's June

by Claudia Caget

  Ian was silent. He looked down at his hands in his lap. Just then I realized how feminine he was. Why had I never seen that before? He took a deep breath.

  "Mia, I have been seeing someone else," he said in a rush, barely looking up at me.

  I didn’t know whether to laugh or strangle him or tell myself this was what I got for being so horribly evil.

  "I went over to her house to break up with her yesterday," Ian continued.

  "What? Why are you telling me this?" I rubbed my chin and sank down on the couch, turning to face him.

  "Because I was thinking of our talk the other night, and I want to work things out with you,” he said, avoiding my gaze.

  "Who is she?" I shook my head, scarcely believing my ears. It was a good thing I hadn’t wasted any serious time feeling guilty over my relationship with Kurt because this new development was insane.

  "Her name is Elease and she is an art major from Detroit."

  "Detroit? She came to Toledo for art school?" My voice sounded high and prickly through my clenched teeth.

  "UT has one of the better art programs in the tri-state area," Ian said, obviously defending his lover's choice in schools. It sounded like something an art student would say.

  "Where did you meet?" I needed details to torment myself with later.

  "We met at a fraternity party."

  "Which one?"

  "The plaid party."

  How ridiculous! Stupid fraternity boys dressed up in plaid, drinking beer. I distinctly remember not wanting to go to that nonsense about eight months ago.

  "You have been seeing her all this time?" I was in a state of quasi-disbelief, but the pieces were beginning to fall into place. It certainly would explain his absence all of those months.

  "Yeah, I have been seeing her regularly." Ian’s arms were crossed over his chest and sweat beaded on his upper lip.

  I didn’t know what to say. In reality, I had no right saying anything, but I didn’t want to overplay my hand. Ian didn't know about my relationship with Kurt, so I had to act like the wounded girlfriend, but not too much to make him feel guilty the rest of his life. Curiosity, however, got the best of me. I often wondered why people who, when hurt, pry for all the details and wallow in self-pity and there I was, wanting to know the specifics.

  "So, did you fuck her there at the house, in your room, that first night?” I was being sarcastic, but from the look on his face it was plain that this is what happened. "Oh, Ian. How unoriginal."

  Ian at least had the grace to look embarrassed and I immediately regretted saying it. My anger deflated. It was unfair of me to act so high and mighty about his transgressions since I was doing the same thing to him. I guessed my reaction was the way my guilt over what I am doing to him manifested itself. Consequently, I needed to hear about everything as my punishment. It was what I deserved. I sigh. I had to play this breakup scene to the end. I wondered how many people knew about him and this girl. Probably everyone.

  "So, you saw her yesterday?" I let the words hang in the air so Ian could finish.

  "Yea, I wanted to break it off with her, but ... ."

  "But, what?"

  "She's pregnant, or she thinks is."

  “Of course she is!” I nearly burst out laughing. That would be the perfect ending to a perfect relationship. "It's yours?" I seemed to not be able to stop myself from saying hurtful things. I should have cIamped my hand over my mouth. I should have. I couldn’t stop.

  Ian looked shocked. "Of course, it's mine."

  "Well, she sounds like a slut.” And I should know, I wanted to add, biting my lip. This was exactly what I get! I deserved this humiliation. Ian now could never find out about Kurt and me now. He looked very hurt.

  "Now Mia, I know that you are upset, but she is not a slut."

  "Did she know you had a girlfriend?"

  "Yes," Ian's voice was very quiet.

  "Well, then." What a mess. I wanted him to leave before I tipped my hand and said anything else, something I would regret, since I apparently couldn’t help myself.

  "I think you would really like her." Ian’s voice sounded hopeful.

  "I doubt it." I answered as caustically as I could. "So now what happens?" Okay, let's kill this thing, I was unable to say.

  "I still would like to try and work it out with you," Ian said.

  I sighed. This had to end, now. "I don't think so."

  "Oh come on, please. I love you and want to be with you."

  "Are you serious? If you wanted to be with me so bad, then you wouldn't have cheated on me for eight months." Ian was being stupid. I had no intention of staying with him as I was doing the same thing to him. Our relationship was over years ago but it wasn't until tonight that we buried it.

  "You're right. I'm wrong."

  "Do you love her?" I had to torture myself.

  "Yeah, I think so."

  "So you love us both." Sure you did, Ian.

  "Yeah."

  "And if she really is pregnant, then what?" Then what nothing. Get out of my life!

  "I will support her but I want to be with you."

  "That is a lot of baggage to be carrying around. What does she want?" How very magnanimous of me to care what Ian's 'other woman' wanted.

  "She wants to be with me. I don't want to be with her though, I want to be with you." When he said this, Ian didn’t look as upset anymore. "It would work out. The kid could come to our house on weekends."

  I was too selfish to be a part-time parent to some other woman's child. "I don't think so."

  "Please, I know you are angry. Think about it, please." The only thing left for Ian to do was to go down on one knee and pull out a ring.

  "When will you find out if she is pregnant?"

  Ian looked down. Uh oh. This didn't look good.

  "Mia, I have a favor to ask of you."

  "Oh no. I am not going to buy your lover a pregnancy test. You should get a job if you don't have any money."

  "No, not that!"

  "What then?"

  "Could you take her to the Center for Choice for a pregnancy test on Monday?" As if this request was more reasonable than me buying her a kit from the drug store.

  "What? Are you crazy? Why are you involving me in this?"

  "Please, I can't do it and she doesn't want to go alone."

  "She doesn't have any friends?"

  "No, none that I trust. Besides, if she is, think about it: We will be one big family."

  "I don't think so Ian. You are nuts if you think that I am going to drive your girlfriend to get a pregnancy test. It isn't going to happen." To discourage further conversation, I walked down the hall into my room and lay down on my bed. Ian followed me.

  "Please Mia, I'm begging you. I know you. I trust you. I am sorry I hurt you, but I really need your help. If you really cared about me, you would do this."

  "Who said I cared about you?" I said, eyes closed. I could feel him standing over me. My anger was dissipating. I just wanted him to leave.

  "Please Mia, you don't mean that. Please help me." Ian dropped to his knees and put his forehead on my mattress. "Oh please, please, please."

  I couldn’t take him whining at my bedside anymore.

  "Fine Ian, get out of my sight."

  "Oh thanks Mia! This is so great! We will all be so happy together!" He practically skipped out of the room. I didn’t relax until I heard the front door close. What a fucking weirdo! Why the fuck did he want me involved in this? Was it because he wanted an out if things got too complicated? Fuck him! I didn’t want to go out with him anymore anyway. Maybe I would just call the whole thing off. If this didn't end our relationship, I am not sure what would.

  When I woke up the next morning, there was another note from Amy in the kitchen.

  ATTENTION:

  What you did was very rude last night. I was sleeping and you were screaming at the top of your lungs. For this roommate relationship to work, we need to respect each other's feelings. I feel that you
are too loud and angry and need to tone it down. I don't want to talk about it, I just want you to not do it again. Also, the dishes that are piled into the sink are not mine. They need to be done. I also have taken out the garbage the last three times. I am not the garbage woman. We need to share tasks equally. What will it take to make you see that?

  I looked at the myriad dishes in the sink. There was one coffee cup and a spoon. Amy was slowly losing it. I absentmindedly tied the ties of half-empty garbage bag and set it by the front door. After putting on shoes and my winter coat, I took it outside to the dumpster in the parking lot.

  It was very cold, but it was February in Toledo. Quite normal. It woke me up, which was a good thing. I decided to spill my guts to Kurt later at work, but it was all for naught because he called in sick, leaving me with Charles all night. What a complete waste of time it was, although Charles was on my short list. I was not feeling very flirty and I worked basically in silence. Charles didn’t seem to notice. He ran the register and kept up a running commentary with every customer that stopped by. I wanted to slap him.

  I wished that I worked the next day, Monday, so I could tell Ian I wouldn't be able to serve as a taxi for his girlfriend. How do I get myself mixed up in stuff like this all the time? I really needed to take an assertiveness workshop. He called about 10 a.m. and gave me directions to her house.

  "Mia, you are a dear. I will totally pay you back for this. We need to talk. Let's meet at the Garden at 6 p.m. Okay? Thanks." And with that, he hung up before I could really protest.

  Dumb, dumb, dumb! How can I be so dumb? I tried to call him back but he must have called me from school. Damn it! I sucked it up and drove over to her expensive apartment on Dorr Street, cursing myself under my breath.

  Chapter 6

  I sat in the car for a full two minutes after I pulled into Elease's apartment complex parking lot. It took me that long to summon the guts to get out and walk to "her" door. What the hell was I doing here? I was simultaneously pissed off, sympathetic, and fearful. My stomach hurt and my fingers were cold as I walked up the sidewalk.

  I knocked on the door, and there she was. She wasn’t what I expected. I don't know what I expected, really.

  She was a lean 5'8”, with long arms and legs, or maybe what she was wearing, a black, floaty dress thing, made her look that way. Her long hair was wavy and brown, with blond highlights, and her eyes were startlingly blue-green. I wondered if they were contacts. She looked a tad like a hippie and then I remembered, she was an art student. I sighed inwardly. She was really beautiful. I could see Ian and her together, raising their beautiful children.

  "Hi, you must be Mia." Elease opened the door wide and invited me in.

  The apartment was starkly decorated. Black couch, black lamp, black rug on a hardwood floor. The walls were decorated with colorful, hand-woven tapestries. I unconsciously walked over for a better look.

  "Do you like them?" A voice behind me asked.

  "They are really beautiful. Did you make these?" I reached out to touch one.

  "Yes. I am an art major at UT and they have a fantastic fiber instructor there. My specialty is sculpture, and these were just an experiment, but I think they turned out quite well."

  I nodded my head in agreement. "I have a degree in art history from UT. They do have a good art program," I said, feeling a bit like a traitor as I turned to look at her.

  "Ian told me. It's a good field to get into, in the right market." Elease smiled at my underemployment.

  "Yea, I really have to move to a bigger city," I said, sighing inwardly again. Under stress, the truth always came out.

  "I see you at the Organic Garden all the time," Elease said.

  "Really?" With a start, I wondered if I acted inappropriately with Kurt during any time that she was there. She certainly didn't look like a regular.

  "We have been really getting busy lately. Jeff, the owner, has had to hire more staff," I said by way of explaining why I didn't recognize her. I did recognize her from somewhere else, though. She looked like the girl dancing with Ian the last time I went to a frat party with him. I shook my head, catching myself before I scowled. That Ian was something else, flaunting her under my nose like that.

  "Shall we go?" I said, moving toward the door, more than ready to abandon this conversation. The sooner we got this over with, the better.

  "Yes, I'll drive," Elease said, putting on her coat.

  In the parking lot, she led the way to a familiar high-end Jeep Cherokee with Michigan plates. The very same Jeep Ian took me to Charlie's in the other night. I got the sinking feeling that they were more involved than Ian let on. I wonder what was going on. Why am I still in the picture? He obviously was very serious about this girl; he was driving her car around!

  It was a silent ride to the women's clinic in downtown Toledo, because what could I say? I didn't really want to know her and she didn't want to know me. I felt bad for her because she must be very scared. I know I would be if I were in her shoes.

  It was soothing and pleasant inside the clinic. I sat down on an overstuffed couch and waited for Elease to do what she had to do. The whole thing was over in a half hour. On the ride back, she looked tight-lipped and grim. Bad news, I guessed.

  "Well?" I said, trying to soften my curiosity into concern.

  "Yes." Was all she said, looking straight ahead.

  I said 'oh' silently and settled back for the ride. I had been in the same boat as her once. It was not fun.

  We had an awkward moment as we got out of her car at her apartment. I didn’t know what to say, 'Nice meeting you?' 'I'm so happy for you; pregnant as you are with my boyfriend's baby’? I decided just to say "Good luck" and walked to my car.

  "Thanks," I heard her over my shoulder.

  I needed a drink.

  I drove myself to the bar that Kurt and I frequented and have a few, thankful for the fact I was not more serious about Ian because this would thoroughly break my heart. As it was, I was a minor player in what looked like a great love affair between them. Who was I to mess that up? I was stuck in the weird place of caring and not caring. I didn't love Ian anymore, so I didn't care, but what he did was still hurtful and puzzling. Why did he want me to go with her? He must not trust her or worse and there was something else going on. I guess I would find out soon enough.

  At quarter of 6, I drove over to the Garden. Surprisingly, Kurt was working.

  "What are you doing here?" I rubbed a shaky hand over my stomach. The beer wasn’t sitting well.

  "I can ask you the same thing! I'm working for Charles. What's wrong?" He looked concerned as he poured me a cup of coffee.

  "I just spent the day with Ian's other girlfriend; the pregnant one."

  "What?" Kurt nearly shouted at me, causing some occupants of the dining room to turn our way.

  I leaned toward Kurt and lowered my voice. "Ian has been seeing some girl for like, eight months, and she's pregnant. I went to the women's clinic with her this morning to get a pregnancy test." I had the matter-of-fact attitude down pat.

  "Oh my God! You seem pretty calm about it." Kurt reached across the counter to rub my arm.

  I nodded mindlessly while picking at my nails. "I'm supposed to meet him here to 'discuss things.'"

  "Are you breaking up with him?'

  "Yeah! This is just too much." What a stupid question. I looked up at him but he was looking over my shoulder. I turned and saw Ian walking in and up to the counter.

  "Hi Mia," he said, putting his hand on my arm. To Kurt he said, "Can I get a 'Coffee of the Day?'"

  Kurt silently poured him a cup and, after Ian turned around, stuck up his middle finger at him. Kurt could hate Ian in public now for what he did to me.

  Ian picked up both of our coffees and led me to a corner table. We sat and he took my hands in his.

  "Thanks for going today. Elease said you were great."

  "Oh, you talked to her?" Another stupid question.

  "Yes. She called me wh
en she got home." Of course she did.

  "OK Ian. Enough is enough. You are obviously serious about her. You are driving her car, you are never around, and you are the father of her baby. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that our relationship is over."

  Ian's eyes were downcast. Why is this so hard for him? What the hell was going on?

  "Ian?"

  He looked up.

  "What is wrong with you? It's over. Let's admit this to ourselves and move on." He was starting to piss me off.

  He took a deep breath. "I do care about you. I never wanted it to end this way. I got involved with Elease by accident and here I am. I never meant to hurt you."

  "We have kind of drifted apart, Ian. It's not all your fault. We both share the blame." I hated the long goodbye.

  "Do you really mean that?"

  "Yes. Go have a life with her. I'm fine."

  Ian still looked upset.

  "What is wrong?" I asked.

  "I am scared. I didn't want her to be pregnant. Am I ready for children?"

  "God Ian, I am sure you will be fine. You have a bright future ahead of you. Elease seems like a very nice person." I tried to look like I cared about the whole situation but really, Ian, just please go away already.

  "Mia, you are so cool. I never wanted to hurt you, really. I am sorry this happened."

  "It happened Ian and it's over. If we were meant to be, then things would have turned out differently," I said, letting him off the guilty hook. It was true, after all.

  He looked so relieved that I thought he might cry.

  "There's just one thing," his voice drifted off.

  "What?"

  "You and I used to do some crazy stuff."

  "Yeah," We did do some crazy stuff when we first started going out.

  "There is one thing in particular. If people knew about it, it might ruin my reputation. I want to run for office someday "

  I know exactly what he was talking about. Sometimes during sex, Ian liked me to stick a 12-inch dildo up his ass. I can see where that might be a problem for someone so uptight as him.