To the Moon and Back

by Jill Mansell

  ‘Whereabouts?’

  ‘Perranporth.’

  ‘I know Perranporth! Just down from Newquay! Oh my God, I know Perranporth!’ Her eyes were shining, her whole face was lit up.

  ‘And I know Newquay. I used to spend whole weeks at a time on Fistral Beach.’

  Ellie clapped a hand to her chest. ‘I love Looe to bits, but Fistral Beach is the best for surfing. Full of oiks, obviously.’

  ‘Oh, I like being an oik.’

  ‘Me too. Better an oik than a lizard.’ She pulled a face, mimicking Kara’s stretched skin and yanked-back, reptilian features.

  Zack said, ‘Shall I tell you why I finally broke up with Louisa? Because she wanted us to join some friends at a villa in Tuscany for a child-free, fun-free, oik-free fortnight.’

  ‘No!’ Ellie burst out laughing. ‘Is she related to Kara?’

  ‘You know, it wouldn’t surprise me. Anyway, that was it. That was my breaking point.’

  ‘I call it a narrow escape. Start going on holidays like that and you’ll end up reading books by Salman Rushdie. OK, I’m being a bitch now. Tell me to shut up.’

  ‘Not only reading them,’ said Zack. ‘Discussing them. In interminable detail.’

  ‘When you’re not talking about wine-tasting and vintages, and how your favorite Montepulciano has undertones of Marmite and top notes of Shredded Wheat.’

  ‘With just a touch of peanut butter and a dash of deodorant.’

  ‘Will you just listen to us?’ Ellie’s eyes were dancing. ‘We are complete oiks.’

  ‘Thank God for that.’

  ‘Tell me about your family in Perranporth.’

  ‘My parents still live in the house where we all grew up. It’s far too big for them now, but they don’t want to move.’

  ‘Sea views?’

  ‘Oh yes.’

  ‘I wouldn’t want to move either. What are their names? Sorry,’ Ellie flapped her hand. ‘Being nosy. You don’t have to tell me that.’

  He wanted to tell her, almost as much as he wanted this cab ride to go on forever. ‘Why wouldn’t I want to tell you about my family? They’re embarrassing, but they’re not that embarrassing. My mum’s Teresa, but everyone calls her Tizz. My dad’s Ken. They ran a landscape gardening business up until they retired a couple of years ago. And I have three sisters who all live in Cornwall. Claire’s in St Ives, she’s married with three children. Steph’s living with her chap in St Austell and they have twin girls. And Paula’s in Helston with her two, a boy and a girl.’

  Ellie was suitably impressed. ‘Wow. So you’re an uncle, big time.’

  ‘Just a bit. Five girls and two boys aged between three and eleven. When we all get together it’s not what you’d call peaceful.’ Zack could feel himself smiling; it was the effect even thinking of his noisy, hyperactive, extended family had on him. ‘And there are dogs too. You should see us when we hit the beach.’

  ‘I hope you hand out earplugs to all the poor people trying to read their Salman Rushdie books in peace.’

  ‘Nobody reads Salman Rushdie on Fistral Beach, that’s the joy of it. We’re all oiks together.’

  ‘I could have seen you there.’ Ellie was shaking her head, marveling at the idea. ‘We could have been there at the same time. Isn’t it weird to think that? You might have thrown our ball back to us when it landed in the middle of your sand castle.’

  ‘I might have kicked sand over your picnic.’ Zack didn’t believe this. The first time he’d seen her outside the Ivy that day, his reaction had been so intense he was pretty certain their paths had never crossed before. But the idea that they could have been in such close proximity was still a heady one. OK, not heady, because back then she would have been with her husband, and he would more than likely have had some girlfriend or other in tow. Still, as she’d pointed out, it was a surreal thought.

  As if reading his mind, Ellie said, ‘I’ve got loads of photos at home of us down there. Wouldn’t it be incredible if your family was in the background?’

  They were almost home now, heading along Albany Street; in a couple of minutes they’d be back in Primrose Hill. Zack wasn’t feeling remotely casual but thank God it came out that way. ‘I don’t know what Jamie looked like.’

  Ellie smiled. ‘He was lovely. I can show you photos.’

  ‘I’d like to see them.’ Casual, relaxed, no pressure.

  ‘You mean tomorrow? Or tonight? Because you can come back now if you want. I could get the albums out, show him to you. You can see what he was like.’

  ‘Would that be difficult? I don’t want you to feel pressurized.’

  ‘I just invited you, didn’t I?’ Her face softened. ‘I love talking about Jamie, telling other people about him. He was my husband, he existed, I was so proud to be married to him. Just because he isn’t here anymore doesn’t mean pressing a delete button and forgetting he was ever here.’

  God, she was beautiful.

  ‘If you’re sure,’ said Zack.

  Ellie nodded. ‘But you have to promise me one thing. When you see him, no laughing at his skinny legs.’

  Chapter 32

  It was the first time he’d visited her flat. Well, Tony Weston’s flat. Ellie had already explained that Tony was in LA. She apologized for the Lindor truffle wrappers on the coffee table, the empty Coke can on the arm of the sofa, and the assorted shoes she’d tried on and discarded before coming out tonight. Having kicked off her emerald-green stilettos and made coffee, she pointed him towards the sofa and handed him a small gray leather photo album.

  ‘Here you are. No jokes about my hair either.’

  The faint scent of her perfume still hung in the air. He didn’t even know what it was. Zack turned the pages of the album and took in every detail in the photographs. This had been her life. Ellie and Jamie at someone else’s wedding. The two of them dancing at a party. Jamie jumping into a swimming pool, Jamie lying on a rug with a beer can precariously balanced on his bare chest, Ellie and Jamie sitting outside a sunny restaurant with Tony Weston, the three of them radiating health and fun and happiness.

  Jamie had surfer-blond hair, an open, friendly face, and a killer smile.

  ‘He looks pretty cool.’ What else could he say? Could he ask her if she liked guys with dark hair too?

  ‘That’s only because you haven’t seen his legs yet.’ Ellie tucked her hair behind her ears. ‘By the way, I’m allowed to make fun of them. You’re not.’

  ‘Wouldn’t dream of it.’ Zack didn’t tell her about his knees; attempting to compete with a dead man for oddities in the leg department would be just cheap. ‘Can I ask one thing, though?’

  ‘Go ahead.’ She leaned across the arm of the sofa to see which picture he was pointing to.

  ‘Who’s the teenage boy in the skirt?’

  ‘Hey! What did I tell you? No teasing.’ Ellie made a grab for the album. ‘The hairdresser said having it short would suit me.’

  Zack grinned. ‘Sorry. It did suit you. I just think having your hair longer suits you more.’

  Was he doing a good job? Friendly but not flirty, ironic but not idiotic? He sat back with his coffee while Ellie perched next to him on the arm of the sofa. Her tanned bare feet with the toes painted iridescent pink were visible in the outer corner of his field of vision. God, even her toes were irresistible…

  ‘This is us two years ago,’ said Ellie. ‘On Fistral Beach.’

  Zack looked at the photo. An energetic game of volleyball was in progress. Ellie was wearing a lemon-yellow kaftan over a white bikini. There was Jamie, leaping in midair to knock the ball over the net, above the head of his opponent.

  ‘Who’s that?’ Zack pointed.

  ‘Todd.’

  Todd. The one who had taken Jamie’s place. In fairness, he looked perfectly OK, wearing a gray Superdry T-shirt and red board shorts. His brown hair was short and tufty, his smile broad.

  ‘Who are the other people?’

  ‘No idea, they just joined in our game.
Todd’s girlfriend Anna was taking the photos.’

  ‘What happened to her?’

  ‘They broke up a few weeks later. Anna wouldn’t play volleyball because she didn’t want to get all sandy.’ Ellie smiled and turned the page. ‘Hang on, this next one’s funny…’

  A large dog had come bounding out of the sea and was racing towards the camera. The picture was blurred and taken at an angle.

  ‘He shook himself all over Anna. You should have heard her screaming,’ said Ellie. ‘She didn’t like getting wet either.’

  ‘Has she ever considered a holiday in a farmhouse in Tuscany?’ said Zack.

  The next snaps showed Jamie, having hoisted Ellie up onto his shoulders, racing down the beach into the sea. He had thin legs and they were both screaming with laughter. The bond between them was clear to see. The final shot, a close-up, captured the look being exchanged between Jamie and Ellie as Jamie lovingly lifted a long strand of wet hair from her cheek. It was a look of pure love, to the extent that Zack realized with a jolt he’d never been in a relationship and shared that depth of feeling.

  All these years, this was what he’d been missing out on.

  ‘That’s it.’ Ellie closed the last page. ‘You get the gist. That was Jamie. You’ve seen him now.’

  He saw her casually wipe the corner of her eye, where a lone tear had escaped. ‘I can see how happy you were.’

  She nodded. ‘We were happy.’

  ‘Ever argue?’

  ‘Oh God, yes, all the time. And over the silliest things. That’s something else I miss. We used to argue about toast. Jamie liked butter on hot toast, I like it on cold so it doesn’t melt. He used to make me his kind of toast because he couldn’t be bothered to wait for it to cool down and it drove me nuts. Or he used to go mad when I refused to listen to the GPS because I was always convincedI knew a shortcut. And I miss it.’ Ellie’s voice cracked as she struggled to maintain control. ‘I really miss all that stupid stuff. And the thing is, we had a camcorder and we used to record all the good times on film, but it never occurred to us that we should be recording the fights and the arguments because one of us might die soon and the other one might want to sit down and watch them again.’ She stopped and took a deep breath. ‘Sorry, just ignore me. Stupid, isn’t it? And I’m lucky really, because hundreds of years ago people didn’t have photos or camcorders so if someone died they didn’t have any way of remembering them, except in their heads.’

  Zack so badly wanted to make her feel better. ‘When it’s someone like that, someone important, you never forget them.’

  ‘Probably not.’ Ellie shrugged. ‘But I worry that I will.’

  ‘Have you argued with anyone since Jamie died?’

  She thought about it. Slowly her expression changed. ‘I hadn’t realized until now. But I really haven’t. Everyone’s always too busy being nice to me… I haven’t had one single argument. God, isn’t that weird? It’s abnormal.’

  ‘Not even with Todd?’

  Ellie shook her head in wonder. ‘Not even Todd. I got cross with him after the accident, but we never argued.’

  Zack hated himself for getting his hopes up. ‘Why did you get cross with him?’

  ‘Oh, I blamed him for everything.’

  ‘Was it his fault?’

  ‘No, of course it wasn’t. I blamed myself too.’

  ‘OK. Well, you need someone to argue with. Have you thought of phoning your local tax office? Or a car towing firm? Maybe heading over to the council offices for a good old rant about roadworks?’

  She looked thoughtful. ‘You mean I should ease myself back into it gradually. Practice on strangers to begin with. Start with a bit of trolley rage, something like that?’

  ‘We could try some bickering in the office if you like.’

  ‘That’s very kind. But you’d have to promise not to sack me.’

  ‘I won’t sack you.’ Zack rose to his feet; he wanted to stay but it was time to leave. ‘Thanks for tonight. And for showing me the photos.’

  ‘Thank you for being interested.’

  At the door Zack wanted to kiss her but he couldn’t do that either. Even a peck on the cheek would be inappropriate. He said, ‘What happened to those comb things you had in your hair? You didn’t lose them, did you?’

  ‘No, I didn’t lose them.’ She opened the door. ‘Bye. See you tomorrow.’

  On her own again, Ellie stood at the window and watched as Zack headed off down the street. Having given away the hair combs on a whim because Bibi had said how much she liked them, she was now worrying that it had been a foolish thing to do. They’d been so cheap, Bibi had most likely only said it to be polite. She’d never actually wear them.

  Excellent, you just made yourself look like an idiot.

  Oh well, at least Zack didn’t know.

  ‘Jamie?’

  ‘I’m over here.’

  Ellie turned and there he was, stretched out on the sofa.

  ‘Hi. I miss you.’

  His gaze softened. ‘I know, sweetie. But you had fun tonight, didn’t you?’

  ‘Yes. It was good.’

  ‘And your boss is nice.’

  ‘I know. He likes Cornwall too. It’s where he grew up. In Perranporth. Get your feet off the sofa.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘You’re wearing trainers. I don’t want the cushions getting dirty.’

  He looked outraged. ‘My trainers are clean!’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, just do it, will you?’

  ‘But I’m comfortable where I am.’

  ‘And you don’t care about making a mess because you aren’t the one who has to clean it up, you just bugger off and leave it all to me.’

  ‘What’s this? Are you trying to start an argument?’

  ‘Stop laughing at me.’

  ‘You are, though, aren’t you? You haven’t argued with anyone for ages so now you’re getting grumpy with me. But I don’t want to argue with you. I won’t do it.’

  ‘Well, that’s just selfish. I can’t argue with you if you’re not going to argue back.’

  He shrugged. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Typical. You just do what you want to do and you don’t care about me, do you?’

  ‘I do care. You know that.’

  This wasn’t working at all. There was a ball of grief like an unexploded grenade in her chest. Ellie looked at him. ‘If you cared, you’d still be here. You’d still be alive, you wouldn’t have left me on my own, it’s not fair…’ She broke off as something in the region of her rib cage gave way. Her dress hadn’t been tight before, but it was less tight now. Gazing down, her hands went to the zip that had somehow unfastened. It wasn’t broken; it had just come undone.

  She stared at Jamie. ‘Did you do that?’

  But he simply shrugged, the picture of innocence. ‘It wasn’t me.’

  Chapter 33

  It had been a toss-up between Claridge’s and the Berkeley, but in the end Tony had gone with the Berkeley. Ellie had no idea he was even over here in the UK; as far as she was concerned, he was still in LA. Crazy, of course, to buy a London pied-à-terre then not use it, but with Ellie and Todd’s relationship still in its tentative early stages, he didn’t want to be in their way. And if it had progressed to the next level… well, then he really didn’t want to be in the way.

  Those were the altruistic reasons, anyway. The third one, skewed rather more in his favor, was that if all went well on this visit over here, he wouldn’t want Ellie to be the one left feeling awkward.

  This way they all had their privacy.

  Right. What was the time? Could he go downstairs and wait now?

  Should he put on more cologne or was he already wearing too much?

  Would she be early? Would she be late? Was it possible to feel any more like a teenager than this?

  Downstairs, ten minutes later, Tony’s breath caught in his throat as she walked into the lobby, exactly on time. Oh God, and even more beautiful than he remembered, d
espite the fact that she’d taken up practically permanent residence in his head. Now he committed every last detail to memory and opened his arms wide.

  Martha, wearing a fitted lemon-yellow dress and matching shoes, held his face in her hands and said hesitantly, ‘This is wrong, it’s the wrongest thing I’ve ever done. Last time it wasn’t planned, but this is premeditated.’

  Which sounded promising. Inwardly marveling that the sensation of her skin touching his skin could create a reaction of such intensity, Tony said, ‘It’s so good to see you again.’

  Good was the understatement of the year. Seeing her made him feel properly alive. He squeezed her hands and saw the maelstrom of emotions in her amber eyes.

  ‘Oh, Tony.’ Martha’s voice was unsteady. ‘What have you done to me? I used to think I was a nice person. Honest and decent.’

  ‘You are. Hey, this isn’t such a big deal. All we’re doing is meeting for lunch.’

  ‘I know. Just lunch.’ She exhaled.

  ‘Two friends seeing each other again, catching up.’ This had been the agreement; obviously he was hoping for more. But if nothing else happened, that was OK. He wasn’t going to put any pressure on her. Seeing Martha again, gazing into her eyes, and hearing her voice was enough.

  Nearly.

  Oh, but we’re so much more than just two friends catching up.

  ‘I’ve already had to lie to Eunice. She wanted me to go along with her this afternoon to visit Henry. I told her I couldn’t, said I had to meet a client.’

  ‘Well, that isn’t a lie. It’s true. I am a client. I’m your biggest fan.’ He tried to lighten the atmosphere and dissipate her guilt. ‘Do you want me to buy another painting? I’ll buy another painting. I’ll buy as many as you like.’

  And this time she did smile. ‘Oh, Tony. What are you doing to me?’

  There were all sorts of answers to that, but he didn’t voice them. Instead he gave her hand a squeeze. ‘Come on, let’s go through to the restaurant. I’m buying you lunch.’