Unbearable (the TORQUED trilogy Book 2)

by Shey Stahl

  Christmas dinner helps to take my mind off things, at least for a little while. My Uncle Hendrix and his family, along with my mom’s sisters, come over and for a few hours, we all try to enjoy the holiday and embrace what is our new norm. I’m thankful when I leave and head to Red’s with him, Lenny and Nova because my aunts are staying the week with my mom. I enjoy my aunts in very small doses.

  So now here I am, sitting on my brother’s couch enjoying Christmas evening with a five-year-old beside me playing with her tooth because Red and Lenny are fucking in the bedroom. It’s gross. Not them fucking—there’s that too—but I can’t stand people touching their teeth. It’s repulsive.

  “Stop playing with that thing. It’s making me sick to my stomach.”

  Nova drops her hand from her mouth, letting go of her loose front tooth. “Do you think that if the tooth fairy farts, pixie dust comes out her butt?”

  “Probably.” I’m trying to watch Christmas Vacation with Nova but she’s more interested in asking questions than actually watching it and to be honest, my minds on other things, or people.

  I must have missed one of Nova’s million questions because for some reason, she jumps on my lap.

  “What are you doing?” she asks, getting in my face and placing both her hands on my cheeks making me look at her.

  “I’m thinking.”

  “Well don’t.” She grins. “You’re not good at it.”

  “I’m in college. I’m good at thinking.”

  “Is Uncle Ty coming over soon?” Nova pops up off the couch and looks out the window. “I haven’t seen him yet today.”

  God, I hope so. Is it wrong that I want him to?

  No, what’s wrong is that you want his head between your legs for Christmas.

  Groaning, I toss my head back against the couch. “I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”

  “What’s an idiot?” Nova asks, staring at me curiously.

  Craning my neck, I hear Red unlock the bedroom door and emerge from the bedroom. “Someone who doesn’t make good decisions.”

  She thinks about that for a minute, her tiny forehead scrunched in confusion. “So like Uncle Rawley?”

  “Exactly, kid. Exactly.”

  Red ruffles my hair. “You staying the night?”

  I nod. “Yes. I have no life. Might as well.”

  He shrugs and nods to the kitchen. “Want some apple pie?”

  I stand immediately. “Fuck yes, I want apple pie.”

  Nova jumps down off the couch. “I want some too!”

  We move into the kitchen, and Lenny eventually joins us, flushed cheeks and all. I smile, she glares, and Nova quirks an eyebrow at her. “Are you sick?”

  Lenny’s a little flustered and shrugs, her anxious eyes darting to me, Nova, and then Red. “No, I’m okay. I was just making the spare bed for Auntie.”

  What a liar. They don’t even have a spare bed but luckily for her, Nova is focused on the pie and not the made-up bed.

  Nova shrugs and grabs a spoon. “I want a huge piece, Daddy.”

  He does as she asks and then gets out three more plates.

  Sitting next to me, Lenny looks relieved for the subject change.

  “Where’s Rawley?” I ask after a mouthful of pie, curious if Red actually knows. I haven’t seen him since last night at Uncle Hendrix’s annual Christmas Eve party and thought for sure he’d show up for Christmas dinner. But he didn’t.

  Red makes a face, then corrects it and hands Lenny pie as well. “Haven’t seen him since he destroyed a customer’s car.” Red didn’t go to the Christmas Eve party so it explains why Rawley showed up there, and not to Mom’s house today.

  Lenny had told me about what happened in the shop that day with Tyler and then Rawley quitting, but every time I try to talk to Rawley about it, he tells me to ask Tyler. And the fact that he missed Christmas and Dad’s grave today is just a slap in the face. Stupid jerk.

  “He better have a good fucking excuse for letting Ma down,” Red says, taking a seat next to Nova at the table.

  “What did he say when he left that day at work?”

  Red takes a slow bite of is pie and then shrugs. “He said some words, made some hands gestures and then quit.”

  My eyes widen and I stop before taking a bite of my own pie. “Oh, wow.” I still can’t believe Rawley did that, but then again, I can. It’s just like him to throw tantrums. Once when we were kids, I think in the second grade, he was told he couldn’t go out for recess because he put gum in some girl’s hair. When we came back, the teacher had a surprise when he’d turned over every desk in the class room and ripped down all the posters on the wall.

  He didn’t like to be told no, or singled out by anyone. Or be made aware of his issues.

  It’s funny. For being twins, we’re complete opposites. One extreme to the other.

  A knock at the door brings me out of my thoughts. Nova jumps up to look out the window to see who it is and starts to squeal and runs to the door. “It’s Uncle Ty!”

  Shit. Tyler. As much as I want to see him, there’s a part of me that isn’t ready to see him.

  “Uncle Ty! Happy Christmas!” Nova yells as she jumps into Tyler’s arms.

  He catches her and lifts her up to give her a kiss on the cheek, and then picks her up higher to blow a raspberry on her stomach. She giggles uncontrollably to the point he nearly drops her on the floor.

  “Merry Christmas, little lady. Have you had a good day?” Tyler walks by the kitchen on his way to the living room and turns to quickly glance in my direction.

  There’s sadness in his stare and it makes my heart sink to my knees.

  Oh, just fuck him in the bathroom so you don’t have to see him sad. Make it his Christmas present. Or yours.

  The sad part for me is I actually consider it. Mostly because I’ve never seen him like this.

  His eyes are bloodshot and he has bags under them like he hasn’t slept. His beard is longer now and his hair looks like he only took enough time to run his hands through it before leaving the house. Actually, that part’s sexy, but the rest just screams depressed.

  Is it wrong he makes depressed looks sexy?

  When he gets to the couch, he plops down with Nova on his lap and hands her a present. Lenny, Red and I move from the kitchen to where they’re seated, and I notice the only seat available is next to Tyler on the couch. Fucking figures.

  “Auntie, come sit and see what Uncle Ty got me.” Nova is so excited I can’t tell her no so I walk over and sit down next to Tyler, trying to keep a distance but not be obvious to Nova.

  As she opens her present, some kind of My Little Pony set she’d been dying to have, she jumps off and plops down on the floor to play, leaving just Tyler and me sitting on the couch with no Nova to run interference.

  We sit in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, my skin clammy and armpits prickling before Lenny gets up and asks Tyler if he wants a piece of pie.

  “Sure. Thanks. That would be great.” As Lenny hands him the pie, I take a minute to glance at him and note again that he looks completely off. It breaks my heart a little more knowing that I’m part of the reason for his appearance. Causing Tyler any kind of unhappiness was never part of the plan as I’m sure now, he never intended to hurt me.

  While I’m yet again taking stock of his appearance, Nova moves to stand in front of him, putting her hands on her hips and giving him her serious face.

  “You look bad.” My thoughts exactly, kid. “Why do you look sick?”

  Chuckling, Tyler takes a minute to swallow his bite of pie and gives her a soft smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes and then glances my way. “Yeah, well, I haven’t been sleeping too well.”

  She’s completely straight-faced when she says, “Oh, well then you should get laid. Works for Daddy when he’s tired.”

  Tyler starts to choke on the piece of pie he just put in his mouth, while I can’t help but start laughing. I should point out that a few months’ back Nova asked my
brother what getting laid meant and he told her it was going to sleep. He’d panicked. I don’t think Tyler knows this so it’s understandable why he’s currently gasping for breath and choking on apple pie.

  Once he gets his breathing under control, he turns to me again and looks me dead in the eyes. “Yeah, that’s good advice.”

  After Nova’s excitement wears off and she grows bored with playing ponies, we decide to take another stab at watching Christmas Vacation.

  Thirty minutes into it, I’m still sitting next to Tyler, who has Nova on his lap, her head on his shoulder fast asleep. Suddenly I get the sensation of fingers lightly touching mine and then a hand wraps around, grasping my hand. I don’t have to look down to know it’s Tyler, but I also can’t help my reaction of pulling my hand from under his. His touch is dangerous territory and for my own sanity, I move to get up and find somewhere else to sit, but Tyler again reaches for me. This time he places his hand on my arm.

  “Don’t get up, please,” he whispers. “I’m sorry. Just sit here. For one day can we forget everything else and just sit here?”

  I give him a small nod and settle back onto the couch. He doesn’t attempt to hold my hand again and I can’t help but get mad at myself because a big part of me was hoping he would.

  I can’t help but wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I know what the right thing to do is, but as I sit here, all I can think is am I making the right decision? Am I making a mistake by refusing to give him more? What I’ve wanted all along was for him to want more with me and now that he does, I’m pushing him away. Am I an idiot?

  No. No, I need to remember why I’m pushing him away. For months, I gave myself to him. Allowed him to have me at his convenience even though he knew I wanted more. Time and time again he refused to allow his feelings to grow and now, now, he decides he misses me and wants more and I’m just supposed to jump into his arms? Not this time.

  If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of this heart ache with Holden and Tyler, it’s if I don’t start demanding better for myself no one else is going to give it to me.

  I’m not going to allow myself to be sucked back into the same game just because he changed his mind. What happens when he gets what he wants and decides he made a mistake?

  Once the movie ends, Red offers to take Nova from Tyler but Tyler insists he wants to tuck her into bed.

  Watching Tyler walk away cradling Nova to his chest, I can’t help the sigh that leaves my chest. Lenny walks over and nudges my shoulder with her own.

  “Hey, you okay?” I can tell she recognizes the war going on with me. Truth is, it wasn’t too long ago that Lenny was waging her own war against her head and her heart. Luckily for all of us, the heart won out and now I had a best friend and hopefully someday a sister for life.

  “Yeah, it’s just seeing him with her, knowing how loving and gentle he can be just gets to me sometimes.”

  “Look, you know I love Tyler.” Lenny leans in, her arm around my shoulder. “He’s my only family, and I would do anything for him, but you need to remember that I love you too and your happiness is just as important to me. If you truly feel that you’re making the right decision, then I’m here to stand by you and help you through it.”

  With a gasp, I hug her for the reassurance I’m not alone.

  As we move away from our emotional hug, both wiping tears from our eyes, Tyler and Red come back into the room with questioning looks. The poor guys can’t quite figure out what happened in the five minutes between when they left the room and returned.

  Red eyes Lenny cautiously. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah.” She gets up and wraps her arm around his waist. “Raven and I were just having a best friend bonding moment on Christmas. We’re cool.” She moves to take Red’s hand and leads him back into the kitchen, leaving Tyler and I alone in the living room.

  Crap. Alone again.

  There’s an awkward silence between us and it breaks my heart a little more because this was never us. I want the days when we flirted and he took every chance he could to make me squirm. We never had a moment of discomfort and it’s sad how bad things have become between us when we can’t be in the same room with each other without both being uncomfortable.

  I look at Tyler and he seems to be struggling. Like he wants to say something but isn’t really sure how to say it.

  “Everything all right?”

  He nods once and points to the door. “Sure. Um, I guess I’m just gonna head out.”

  “Oh, okay, well, Merry Christmas.” There’s a huge part of me that wants to grab onto him and beg him not to go because I’m so scared if he leaves now there’s no guarantee he will ever come back.

  Tyler leans in, almost awkwardly, gently kissing my cheek. He then brings his lips to my ear and gently whispers, “Merry Christmas, Raven. Take care of yourself.” Pulling away just as quickly as he leans in, he heads out the door.

  Moving from the door to the front window, I watch him walk to his truck only to see him hesitate once he gets to the driver side door. With his hand on the door to his truck, he looks over toward the house, catching my gaze. Again I can see him struggling, wanting to say something but for some reason he’s stopping himself as he finally gets into the truck and pulls out to leave.

  I’m not sure how long I stand there but I know it’s long enough to see his taillights disappear and again I’m left wondering if I’m truly making the right decision. If pushing Tyler away is the right thing to do, surely it shouldn’t hurt so much.

  BEFORE I go back to Eugene, I enjoy New Year’s Eve with Lenny and Red at Murphy’s, the only bar I can get into and not be carded. Rawley’s playing and it’s the first time Red’s seen him since the incident at the shop.

  They say absolutely nothing to one another. In fact, Red doesn’t even acknowledge him or look in his direction.

  We’re seated at a booth in the corner not far from the stage, tension in everyone’s posture. Lenny’s eyes widen when she notices Sophie walk in with a guy. He looks familiar but I can’t place his name. I know it’s someone we went to high school with though. I can already imagine what my brother’s reaction is going to be over this one. In his eyes, despite how he treats Sophie, she’s still his and can’t associate with other guys.

  “Who’s that?” Lenny asks, adjusting her black halter top she’s wearing. She keeps fidgeting with it no matter how many times I tell her she looks good. Red thinks so too because his hand, the one securely around her shoulders, like the possessive boyfriend he is, hasn’t moved since we sat down.

  I lean into her so she can hear me over the music. “Not sure. I think I remember him, but I can’t think of his name.” We watch as they sit at the bar, nowhere near the stage and I know why she does that. She doesn’t want Rawley to see.

  Well, he has pretty good fucking eyesight on that stage because it’s only a matter of time before he notices them.

  “Are Rawley and Sophie still messing around?”

  Letting my straw fall from my lips, I set my drink down and I roll my eyes. “I’m not sure, probably. They’re always messing around. He can’t let her go and she just keeps going back for more.”

  Crap. That sounds vaguely familiar.

  My brother is a slut. He’s been that way since high school and it all leads back to Sophie Cunning. Sophie was his first girlfriend in high school but they broke up shortly after spring break senior year. It went downhill from there. He started sleeping with her friends and eventually Berkley, Tyler’s ex.

  “This should be interesting,” Red remarks, reaching for his beer on the table. He notices Sophie too.

  My gaze darts from Rawley, to Sophie, then back again. You can see it in his motions, the stiffness in his shoulders as he’s standing at the mic, his head twisted to the left as Beck talks to him between songs.

  He knows she walked in with someone else.

  My attention is on them when Tyler sits down at the table. He’s drunk already and gives me a wi
nk. See. So familiar. At least he didn’t bring a date and he’s sitting across from Red so I don’t have to technically stare at him. Even though I want to.

  He looks good. I love that he’s got a beard now. My teeth sink into my lower lip drawing his eyes there. His lips part, a tender sound passing as he lifts his beer to his lips.

  Jesus, neither one of us can stop the feelings we have.

  Blinking softly, his dark lashes lower, taking a slow drink of his beer. He looks tired, like he hasn’t slept in weeks. I know that feeling too.

  He and Red talk, words I can’t hear over the music. Lenny and I do the same and I focus my attention on those around us as we play detective and attempt to figure out what happened between Rawley and Sophie that would warrant her bringing someone here. Everyone knows Rawley plays at Murphy’s on New Year’s. It’s not a fluke that she accidently stumbled in here with a date. It’s a statement to him.

  Rawley’s good at getting attention on stage so it’s no surprise when he kicks an amp over and everyone looks to the stage, Sophie included. He winks at her and grabs the mic forcefully with his right hand, the opening beats of Buckcherry’s “Sorry” carrying through the bar. He’s not wearing a shirt suddenly either. Probably by design because on his chest is a tattoo that holds meaning to her. It’s her name across his heart. My brother is slightly neurotic. Or maybe a lot.

  You don’t hear him sing slower songs often, and maybe that’s why he’s doing it now. He’s got the perfect voice for this song and always resembles Josh Todd when he sings.

  Both Lenny and I stare at Sophie and her reaction as Rawley’s rough voice wavers in the dim lit bar. She’s bothered by it, especially the song because for once in his fucking life, he’s actually saying he’s sorry, in a roundabout way.

  Sophie blinks slowly, twisting on the stool to face him directly. She loves him, still, and probably always will.

  It’s then, listening to my brother pour his heart out on stage, I look to Tyler, who’s intent on me, finding meaning in the song as well. My heart races, my skin prickling with the force of his stare. A jolt of nausea hits me and I swallow. Fire breaks out over my skin, spreading throughout, igniting the thunderous roar of my pounding heart. Placing my hand over my chest, it’s racing, wondering when we will finally get our shit together.