The School for the Insanely Gifted

by Dan Elish

  “Tell me.”

  He sat back down on a nearby log. “It was the tail end of finals, junior year. Everyone was burned out. The College for the Extraordinarily Talented was a tough place. There was a local coffee bar where we all hung out. That week no one was smiling. Everyone’s mind was on their work. Your mom decided enough was enough. She went to the coffee bar and took out her sax and started to improvise the most amazing tune. She wasn’t a great player—she hadn’t been playing long enough—but she sounded good and had an innate feel for music. At first, people seemed annoyed. But before long, everyone was mesmerized. And then the strangest thing happened.”

  Daphna had a funny feeling that she knew what was coming next.

  “Everyone went into a trance?”

  Billy looked at Daphna, eyes wide. “You’ve heard the story?”

  Daphna shook her head. “No, but tell me.”

  “There’s not much to tell. As you said, everyone went into this brief but deep trance. When your mother stopped playing . . .” Billy paused. “It was strange. Everyone came back to their senses feeling wonderful—like they hadn’t a care in the world.”

  What news! The glimmer of Daphna’s musical gift had clearly come from her mom.

  “Your mother wasn’t a talented, trained musician like you, but she had feeling. Her music snapped everyone out of the funk.” He paused. “She was quite a woman.”

  Daphna blinked. A tear rolled down the top of Billy’s cheek. His monkey wiped it away with a deft flick of its paw just before it soaked into his beard.

  Daphna’s next question surprised even her. It hadn’t been on her mind at that moment, but something about the obvious fondness Billy felt for her mother made it simply pop out of her mouth.

  “Billy, are you my father?”

  The shaggy man seemed stunned, then embarrassed. He looked at Daphna with great affection. For a split second, she thought the answer was going to be yes. It made a certain kind of sense, after all. Daphna had to have gotten her coloring from someone. While Daphna’s mother was a blonde with brown eyes, she and Billy both had auburn hair and hazel eyes. Why shouldn’t Billy take her in his arms and say, “As a matter of fact, I am your dad”?

  Instead he shook his head a little bit sadly.

  “Your father?” he said. “I’m afraid I’m not that lucky.”

  “Yeah,” she said, trying not to let the hurt show. “Oh, well.”

  Daphna closed her manuscript. She and Billy exchanged an awkward glance. There was more she wanted to know—about her mother and Ignatious, too—but those questions would have to wait for another time. The news that Billy wasn’t her father had made her lose her taste for more conversation.

  “I guess we should walk back to the house?” Billy asked.

  Daphna nodded. “Yeah.”

  There was a rustling in the undergrowth. Harrison and Cook-Top burst into the clearing. Daphna immediately sensed something was wrong—something serious. Harrison looked worried, and Cook-Top was waving a giant spatula.

  “What is it?” Billy asked.

  “Sorry to interrupt you, sir,” the robot said. “But two scout monkeys detected a group of intruders.”

  Billy’s eyes narrowed. “Intruders?”

  “Yes, sir. Now preparing to parachute into the valley.”

  Daphna shuddered. She had thought that she had gotten away too easily.

  “The antelope men,” she said.

  Billy nodded gravely, then turned to Harrison.

  “Summon the troops,” he called.

  The robot bowed. “Very good, sir,” and disappeared with Cook-Top back through the underbrush with the monkey hot on their heels.

  “Grab your music,” Billy told Daphna. “It looks like we’re in for a fight.”

  Chapter 16

  Calling All Tops!

  By the time Daphna and Billy reached the cabin, Harkin and Cynthia were waiting on the front steps.

  “It’s the antelope men, all right,” Harkin said. “We saw them on Billy’s video monitors, gathering on the outer edge of the valley.”

  “How’d they find us?” Billy asked.

  Harkin shook his head in disgust. “Had to be my fault,” he said. “I let them get too close when they were chasing us on their motorcycles. That’s probably when they slapped a tracking device on the side of the Thunkmobile.”

  He opened his hand. In the middle of his palm was a tiny magnet.

  “That’s it?” Daphna asked.

  Harkin nodded. “I just found it on the left back door.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Cynthia said. “There were five of them, and they were really fast.”

  Billy rubbed an open palm through Harkin’s thick hair. “Cynthia’s right, Thunk. Let it go.”

  Cynthia looked up. In the distance a troop of antelope men lined the edge of the upper cliff, about to descend into the valley. “We know how they got here, but how are we going to fight them off?”

  The door to Billy’s cabin swung open. Harrison stepped out and handed Billy his whip.

  “Your weapon, sir,” the robot said, then got busy tying back Billy’s shaggy hair with a blue bandanna.

  Billy’s monkeys fanned out and formed a semi-circle on the outer perimeter of the yard. Whip in hand, Billy winked at Daphna, then turned to the door and roared as loudly as he could. “Tops! Battle stations!”

  After a full day in the valley, Daphna had thought she had seen it all. But what happened next made her see that Billy was even more brilliant than she had imagined. Nine laptop computers, all on legs, marched triumphantly in the yard and stood at attention in a sharp line.

  “Meet my special defense Tops,” Billy said. He strutted up and down the line like a proud general. “Okay, Tops, sound off!”

  One by one, each specially designed laptop stepped forward and called out its name in a mechanized but clear voice.

  “Javelin-Top! Here!”

  “Itch-Top! Present!”

  “Octopus-Top! Here! All eight legs!”

  “Tickle-Top! Accounted for!”

  “Joke-Top! Ha-ha here!”

  “Flood-Top! Full!”

  “Soap-Top! Slippery and ready for action!”

  “Pterodactyl-Top! Wings in working order!”

  “Frog-Top! Ribbit!”

  Stunned, Daphna looked at Harkin and Cynthia. It wasn’t hard to imagine the feats each of the computers had been programmed to perform.

  “Good work, Tops,” Billy said. “Now power up!”

  One of the larger of Billy’s monkeys moved down the line of laptops, typing a rapid-fire series of commands on each of their keyboards. Within moments, all nine computers were whirring and humming and beginning to exhibit their unique characteristics. Tickle-Top and Joke-Top doubled over with laughter. A burst of bubbles flew out of Soap-Top’s screen. Octopus-Top sprang six arms to go with his two legs while Pterodactyl-Top sprouted ten-foot-long wings and took to the sky to check on the invaders’ progress. Then Javelin-Top’s arms swelled, Itch-Top began to scratch its monitor, and Flood-Top started leaking. Finally, Frog-Top bounded around the yard on a giant set of frog legs, its tongue flicking out of its screen.

  “Dig the lap-dudes,” Harkin said.

  There was one more Top that wanted in on the action. As Billy looked around the yard, inspecting his troops, Cook-Top burst out of the cabin, squeaking wildly, waving a spatula in one hand and a bread knife in the other.

  “No, no, no,” Billy said. “Your place is in the kitchen.”

  Cook-Top hissed and released a plume of stale black smoke, then shot a burned piece of toast Billy’s way.

  “I said no!” Billy said, swatting aside the toast. “Do you know how many hours it took to make you? You’re too valuable at home.”

  With a string of loud squeaks and grunts, the computer hurled the knife into a nearby tree, turned on its heel, and stormed back into the house.

  “He’s always been temperamental,” Billy said with a
sigh, then turned to Harrison. “What’s the latest report?”

  The robot stepped forward. “The intruders are on the edge of the cliff, sir, about to parachute in.”

  “Thank you, Harrison,” Billy said. He looked at the children. “Don’t worry. My monkeys and Tops will protect us just fine.”

  Daphna knew what was coming next. Harkin stepped forward, chest out, fists clenched.

  “If you think we’re going to sit this out, you’re out of your mind.”

  Billy took his own step forward, casting a giant shadow over the boy. Harkin came up only to his belly button.

  “No fancy ideas, Thunk. In my valley, I’m your legal guardian. I say you stay safe!”

  Billy snapped his whip hard against a tree branch. A sea of coconuts rained down onto the yard. One hit Harkin on the shoulder and split open at his feet.

  Billy smiled. “This battle’ll be over by the time you finish your coconut milk.”

  Harkin kicked the broken coconut across the yard. Daphna understood his frustration. She wanted to join the fight as well. But she also had another even more pressing concern. Why in the world were the antelope men so insistent? Why did they keep coming after her? What in the world did they want? A Flex-Bed?

  Pterodactyl-Top flew back into the yard and settled in front of Billy, lightly flapping its long brown wings.

  “Intruders landing in main field!” the flying laptop announced. “Thirty of them.”

  Craning his neck, Harkin shook his long blond hair out of his ponytail holder and let loose with what could only be termed a thunderous battle cry. He then leaped onto Pterodactyl-Top’s back, shrieking, “Fly, laptop! Fly!” With a loud squawk, the computer bird rose into the air and soared up and over the tall trees that surrounded Billy’s cabin, headed toward the battlefield.

  “Wait!” Billy called.

  Not to be outdone, Cynthia sang out with one of her vintage, ear-piercing high Cs. As Billy, Daphna, the monkeys—even Harrison—held their ears, a giant elephant lumbered into the yard, lifted Cynthia onto its back with its trunk, and rumbled back through the woods.

  What could Billy do but give in?

  “Okay,” he said to Daphna. “Stick close to me.” He then turned to Cook-Top, who had meandered back outside. “You come too—and bring your spatula.”

  Cook-Top bounced up and down, squeaking wildly.

  Daphna felt herself being lifted into the air by five monkeys. Suddenly she was moving very quickly through the woods. Billy was at her side, also traveling on monkey-back, while Cook-Top brought up the rear. Branches hit Daphna hard in the face. It was difficult to believe that a few days ago she had been a mild-mannered student, finishing her first rhapsody. Now she was halfway around the world, charging into an epic battle.

  The brave warriors burst out the other side into wide-open grassland. Looking up, Daphna saw thirty men floating downward, antelope masked and dressed in black, each with a spear strapped to his back. Moments later, the men touched down.

  “On my command!” Billy called.

  Obeying orders, the children and the Tops stayed still while the lead antelope—the largest of the crew, a giant man who stood a good six and a half feet—stepped forward.

  Frightened, Daphna looked to Billy. If he was worried, he didn’t show it. The large man stood still, taking in the antelopes, almost as if they were interesting specimens to be studied rather than fierce warriors to be fought and defeated.

  “Hey, Billy?” Harkin called from the back of Pterodactyl-Top. “Are we going to fight or what?”

  Billy shot Harkin a sharp glance, then let loose a thundering call to arms:

  “Flood-Top!” he cried. “Fire when ready!”

  Chapter 17

  It’s All in the Name

  Daphna would remember the battle as a mix of scrambled images. Antelope men. Monkeys. The Tops. Her friends. And orchestrating the forces, flicking his powerful whip, was Billy.

  The antelope men fought hard—they hadn’t tracked the Thunkmobile all the way from New York to give up without a fight—but in the end, they were no match for Billy and his bizarre array of defenders.

  It began with Flood-Top. Upon hearing its name, the laptop took four quick steps forward, then stopped with a bright brrring. Its monitor grew to four times its original size. With a loud pfft! a giant spigot appeared in its middle, then whoosh! Water shot out of Flood-Top with the force of ten mighty fire hydrants, knocking the leader and the other antelopes off their feet and soaking them to their skins.

  And that was just the beginning.

  “Soap-Top!” Billy called.

  A second laptop stepped forward and sprayed a stream of bubbly soap over the wet field. As the soggy antelope men stood up, they slipped back down, struggling to keep their footing. Only then did Billy shout the final command: “Charge!”

  The battle soon turned into a rout. Javelin-Top picked off the wet, soapy antelopes with homemade spears while Itch-Top sent up plumes of powder that had the antelope men scratching wildly and running for the pond. Others found themselves tangled in the arms and legs of Octopus-Top or brought to tears of laughter at the hands of Joke-Top and Tickle-Top.

  Cook-Top proved its mettle on the battlefield as well. Zigzagging among the fighters, it used its giant spatula to swat antelope men to the ground before flipping them into the air like pancakes.

  Harkin and Pterodactyl-Top had a field day, swooping out of the sky and lifting surprised antelope men high into the air before depositing them in the trees or pond. Meanwhile, Cynthia tromped around the field on elephantback, commanding her mount to use its trunk to knock over the intruders as they struggled to make their way toward Billy’s home.

  Daphna might have had the most fun of all. Seconds into the battle, she found herself on Frog-Top, hopping wildly around the battlefield, directing the laptop’s tongue to lick antelope men to the ground until they begged for mercy.

  The fight was over in less than ten minutes. The monkeys led the captured antelope men to a field on the far side of the valley, where a squadron of elephants and giraffes stood guard. Only one intruder was left, one of the smaller antelope men, being used by two gangs of monkeys for a game of catch.

  Billy decided it was time to get some answers.

  “Enough!” he shouted. “Bring him here!”

  The monkeys deposited their “ball” by Billy’s feet. Daphna, Harkin, and Cynthia jumped off their respective mounts and gathered close as one of the monkeys reached for the antelope mask. Daphna averted her eyes, half expecting the man to look like an actual antelope or worse. When the monkey peeled the mask back, Daphna was surprised to find that, with short brown hair and pale eyes, this particular antelope was almost shockingly ordinary. And young—the type of guy who would have looked more in place on a college campus than on a battlefield in the African mountains.

  Billy wasn’t swayed by the antelope’s good looks. The minute the mask was off, he held his whip high.

  “What are you looking for? Tell me, or the monkeys will use you for a game of baseball—all nine innings!”

  Crack! The whip hit the ground a foot from the man’s face, sending up a flurry of dirt. The demasked antelope let out a sound that was somewhere between a squeak and a moan. From the way he was trembling, Daphna sensed that he was too frightened to speak.

  Leaning close, Harkin let his long hair flop in the man’s face.

  “Start yapping, antelope, dude,” he snapped. “Or you see that laptop over there? That’s Tickle-Top! It’ll have you laughing so hard, you might never speak again!”

  Even Cynthia stepped up. “Or maybe you’d prefer Frog-Top? It can lick you like you were a fly.”

  “Wait.” The word was out of Daphna’s mouth before she could stop it. All eyes were on her. “Give him a break, okay?”

  Harkin wrinkled his brow. “What?”

  “Look at him,” Daphna said. “He’s scared.”

  Billy nodded. He leaned close to the man and spoke m
ore softly. “Okay, sir. Tell us then. Who sent you?”

  Under the more gentle questioning, the man was finally able to find his voice.

  “Wallace,” he whispered.

  “Wallace?” Daphna asked. “Who’s that?”

  A funny look passed over Billy’s face.

  “Do you know who it is?” she asked.

  “Maybe,” Billy said. He looked at the prisoner. “Did Wallace give a full name?”

  The young man nodded. “Wallace Zoo-Zoo McFerd.”

  Billy’s response was instantaneous. The moment he heard the name, he broke into a broad grin that exploded into a wild, gut-clenching, no-holds-barred guffaw. His belly shook. Tears dripped into his thick beard.

  “What’s going on?” Harkin asked.

  “Yeah,” Daphna said. “Who’s Wallace?”

  Billy dropped his whip and doubled over, gasping for breath. Harrison exchanged a worried glance with Cook-Top, then wiped Billy’s brow with a handkerchief.

  “Oh, that Iggy!” Billy said.

  “Ignatious!” Daphna said.

  Billy nodded and held up a finger, signaling that he would tell them the full tale once he had gathered his breath enough to speak. The minute he got control of his breathing, another wave of laughter tore through him. Daphna worried he would pass out. A monkey jumped on his shoulder and slapped his back, and Billy caught his breath again—this time, when the laughter welled up inside, he managed to push it back down. Finally, he turned to Daphna.

  “Remember what I told you about the silly names your mother and I used in college?”

  “Wait a second,” Daphna said. She remembered the smudged name—W. Zoo Ferd—on the back of the picture that had fallen from her manuscript. “Ignatious is . . . Wallace Zoo-Zoo McFerd.”

  “Yep!”

  “You’re joking,” Cynthia said.

  “Nope.”

  “Ignatious,” Harkin said. “He’s the one who sent the antelope men.”

  Billy nodded. “Old Iggy liked to take credit for things. I guess he couldn’t resist sending me a little message—just to be sure I’d know who was behind all this.”

  Daphna found it all too much to take in. She knew Billy had been telling the truth—that Ignatious had stolen the blueprints for his most famous products from Billy’s college notebook. Even so, it was hard to comprehend just how far Ignatious was willing to go to get his hands on another of Billy’s creations.