by Marisa Logan
Stanley drove her home a bit after midnight, and the two of them sat in Stanley’s car for almost another 2 hours before Helena took him by the hand, squeezed it, and without another word hopped out and ran up into her apartment.
Stanley watched her all the way until she was out of sight. He sat in his car, taking in the night and taking in what was left of the scent of her perfume. He smiled as if it was a memory from long ago. Then he started his car and drove home…
Chapter 4
The weekend had gone by after that first date with Stanley March. Helena didn’t know what else to call it. She had a good time, and Stanley even got her a flower. They had had dinner together and he took her to the library and then later they went out for coffee. He was even so much of a gentleman that he didn’t call her until Monday after school.
Helena was worried she’d scared him off, but she was also terrified that she’d gotten him to like her. Everything made her nervous when it came to matters of the heart. She preferred to keep herself guarded, but that didn’t mean she had to compromise who she was in order to do that.
She didn’t text or call him in the hopes that he would first. She was curious about what it was he would say to her, and how much leeway he’d give himself before messaging her. She weighed the pros and cons of continuing whatever this was with Stanley and seeing what could happen, and then also tried to justify why it was she couldn’t allow for this to continue.
“I could say that I just needed someone to show me around town. That’s technically what that was, right?”
“You flat out just told me that you called it a date yourself, and you did it in order to get away from some creep.”
Helena was sitting in the teachers’ lounge with one of her coworkers. Rebecca Johnston taught 7th grade, and she was the only one Helena really knew in this town. They both connected because they were both young, both liked art, and no one at their school seemed to know what it meant to have any fun.
“I know. I mean, it was that way at first, but I wasn’t expecting to have such an amazing time with him. Was that wrong of me?” Helena didn’t want to sound panicked. It was almost 4 when Stanley texted her. His text was barely three sentences:
“Hi Helena, I had a really nice time with you on Friday night. I hope you had a wonderful weekend. Take care and I hope to see you again soon. Stanley March.”
But Helena couldn’t help but pick at the message until it was almost like deciphering an essay to her. She didn’t know if there were double meanings to anything. Was it that he was actually expecting for them to have another date? He didn’t exactly specifically ask for one. What if he didn’t really think of it as a date either and was just being nice? How was it that that idea brought her some relief while simultaneously making her feel sad?
Rebecca spotted Helena in the corner of the staff lounge, dunking a tea bag in and out of a mug and glaring furiously at the screen of her phone. Helena explained the situation as best as she could, and Rebecca simply folded her arms and shook her head.
“It’s only wrong of you if you don’t make your intentions clear. If you’re having such a difficult time with this message, and trying to find all the bad things, what I’m getting is that you have commitment issues,” Rebecca said.
“Hey…I resemble that remark,” Helena grumbled. She didn’t mean to make it a joke, but having anything become too serious worried her. Then she got a bit panicky and started flailing her hands in the air. She always needed to gesticulate when any of her emotions became too extreme. “And who said anything about committing? This was one date. He was showing me around town because I asked him to.”
“I see,” Rebecca said calmly, “and didn’t you just say you had a good time?”
“I did,” Helena said, now trying to calm herself by clasping her hands together in front of her.
“A good enough time to go on another date with him?” Rebecca asked. She made air quotes when she said the word date.
“I don’t know,” Helena admitted in a low voice.
“I see. Was it at least a good enough time to reply to his text?”
Helena did a motorboat with her mouth, letting out air and allowing her lips to flap together. She was frustrated, but not with Rebecca, and not even with the situation, she was frustrated at herself.
“Yes it was.”
“Perfect. That’s all you need to know. Take this one text and one moment at a time. That way you don’t get overwhelmed. If you think things are going too fast, or if you’re actually sure this isn’t something that you want, then just let him know,” Rebecca said.
“That’s the part I hate. I don’t like making anyone feel bad,” Helena said.
“So what then? You’re gonna set yourself on fire to keep other people warm?”
“I don’t know if you’re being a good Instagram post or a good therapist,” Helena said.
“Joke all you want, it’s true. There’s this song by Death Cab For Cutie that I always stop and reflect on when I feel like I’m settling with the person that I’m with. It’s called Cath, and it’s about a woman on her wedding day who’s getting married to a man she knows isn’t the one for her. But she grins and bears it. Here, I’m gonna play it for you,” Rebecca whipped out her phone, but Helena raised her arms up in protest though it looked like it was mixed with a bit of surrender.
“I’ll youtube it. Right now, I’m gonna go home, clear my head, and reply to his text. It’s not that I don’t like him, it’s that I don’t know him. And I’m scared that getting to know him means him getting to know me. The more we both know, the more it’ll hurt in the end.”
“Ahh, but what if with this one…there is no end?” Rebecca said. Her eyes glistened hopefully.
“Then I’ll be sure to thank my Fairy God Therapist,” Helena said on her way out of the teacher’s lounge. She could hear Rebecca laugh until she shut the door behind her.
*
“Dear Mr. March. Whoa, no, that sounds way too formal. Hello Stanley. I had a great time. Hope you’re well too. How is school?” Helena spoke out loud when she texted. She sent the message and sighed. A few minutes later, her phone vibrated in her hand.
Helena tossed the phone down on the couch beside her like it had bitten her. She just got a new text. She picked her phone back up and read the message aloud to herself.
“Thanks Helena. School is the same old same old. I was wondering what you were doing the last Saturday of next month. There’s a lunar eclipse and a super moon.”
Helena chewed on her bottom lip. Her first instinct was to make an excuse as to why she couldn’t make it. But she knew she couldn’t run forever. Rebecca was right, all Helena needed to do was to take it one text at a time. She didn’t want to say no, but she didn’t know what she was doing in 5 weeks either. It almost relieved her that there was no pressure. He wasn’t forcing her to see him again in the next few days, nor was he asking her for anything else either. He probably understood the “date” more than she thought that he did.
“Well I dunno. That’s awfully far away. But as far as I know, I’ll be free,” Helena replied. She smiled. There was no pressure. There was no reason to worry.
“Sounds good. I hope you don’t mind if I text you sometimes. I don’t know if you’re a serial killer, but I’m sure that I’m not.”
Stanley’s reply made her laugh. He had such a terrible sense of humor, but that was what she liked. She liked when people were cheesy, or had a different taste in music and movies from her. It meant there was something about the other person that was different. That was probably why she was so warm towards Stanley right away. He didn’t have piercings or tattoos [that she knew of], and he looked safe. She could be wild enough for the both of them.
Helena was still chewing on her lip when she decided that this time, instead of running away, she was going to take a chance. She sent a reply to Stanley:
“I don’t mind if you text me. I think it’s nice that you wanna keep in touch. Just wonde
ring, what’s your next weekend looking like?”
Chapter 5
“Hi there! Thanks for meeting me,” Helena waved. She was sitting on a bench at one of the local parks. There were people walking, jogging, and playing with their dogs. It wasn’t a big park, but it was big enough for there to be a lot of people.
Stanley was walking toward her with a leash on his wrist. There was a short, fat corgi that was leading Stanley’s way towards Helena.
“Is he yours?” Helena bent down and hugged the corgi. It waddled closer to her and sat down.
“Yes he is. His name is Niko, for Nikola. As in, Tesla,” Stanley said. He was still a bit nervous despite the fact that he and Helena had been messaging each other for the majority of the last two weeks. He didn’t realize that he had so much to say before. She was bringing something out of him that he really enjoyed.
“How could you not tell me that you had a dog?” Helena said still playing and snuggling with the corgi. His tongue was sticking out and he just sat there and let her pet him.
“I have no idea,” Stanley admitted sheepishly. “I can be cliché and say that you didn’t ask. Do you have any pets?”
“Nah. And my landlady says only fish or birds,” Helena said. She changed her voice and made her landlady sound like an older woman from Staten Island. “I’d get a corgi if I could. They’re like little sausage foxes.”
“I normally hear the term bread dog, but sausage fox…that is certainly a new one,” Stanley said not even trying to stifle a laugh. “What made you want to come to the park today?”
“The other day, you said I could be a serial killer. And I just wanted to show you that even though I can be a little crazy, I’m not crazy enough to kill you in front of all of these people.”
“Your cynicism is, for lack of a better term, refreshing. Not the whole spiel about murder, but the fact that you can make cynical things clever. You’re all about artistic expression huh? Right down to your voice and accent changes and your sense of humor.”
“And you’re ever the scientist, my darling,” Helena said in a pompous British accent. She stood up finally and linked arms with Stanley. She skipped, Niko waddled forward, and Stanley tried to keep in step. “Right down to the way you give out compliments.”
“What’s the matter with the way I give out compliments?”
“Nothing! They’re very calculated. Almost premeditated,” Helena said.
“What’s wrong with that?” Stanley asked.
“There’d only be something wrong with that if you’ve been using your lines on other people.”
Stanley laughed silently.
“Do I look like the kind of guy who’s suave enough to use my lines on multiple people?” Stanley said. He looked down at Helena who was still bouncing beside him. She was barely shorter than he was. They were almost the same height.
“I don’t know. You could be any kind of person,” Helena said. She sounded like she was still playing at first, but by the time she got to the end of her sentence her voice was really low.
“I could be. You’re right. So could you for that matter. That’s the beauty of getting to know people. There’s always that chance that you meet one who has everyone’s best interests at heart.”
“You sound a lot like my coworker,” Helena said. She released his arm and went back to walking normally beside him. Helena’s heart was beating a bit faster. She really liked Stanley’s company. There was no pressure when it came to talking to him. She was even getting excited whenever her phone buzzed because he had stories to tell about his class, science, and the ways he thought about life. He seemed more open when he wrote than when he was around her. She knew that was because he was shy.
She didn’t want to admit that she was slowly falling for him, because in the back of her mind, she felt she was choosing him because he seemed safe. She knew that wasn’t the reason. She was always trying to find a flaw with any person who pursued her. It would be easier for her to run away.
“Got a lot on your mind?”
Stanley pulled her back to the present. Helena hadn’t noticed that they had both stopped walking.
“A lot and a lot of nothing,” she said.
“You can talk to me if you’d like to. I don’t judge,” Stanley said. It was true. It was something Vice Principal Henriques kept telling him. For someone so quiet, Stanley was completely open minded.
Helena shook her head. She didn’t want to say anything. There were too many things going on in her mind. Stanley stood and watched her. Even Niko turned and looked up at both of them, almost expecting Helena to speak as well.
“To be honest,” Helena started after a second of thought and a deep sigh, “I guess I’m thinking about where this is going.”
She could feel a lump of anxiety in her throat and she swallowed it down. If she didn’t say anything, she would be fighting herself internally for the rest of the day; even probably after she got home. Rebecca was right. It would be better for her to speak her mind instead of bottling up her feelings. If she spoke her mind, there would be fewer things to speculate and maybe, just maybe, she could start enjoying her time with Stanley.
“Where what’s going? I figured this was going around the park at least,” Stanley said. He laughed dryly, but stopped when he realized that Helena wasn’t laughing along.
“I just meant with you and me…” Helena said. Her voice was soft and her bright eyes were focused on Stanley.
He held out his hand in the direction of a park bench, and they walked towards it in silence. They sat down and Niko waddled around on the ground a bit before settling on a spot in between Helena and Stanley. Helena picked her legs up and crossed them on the bench. She rested an elbow on her knee and her chin in her hand. She was still looking at Stanley, like she was trying to figure him out with her gaze.
“Oh, I wasn’t entirely aware there was a you and me, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself. Go on,” Stanley said. He wanted to break the silence. He wasn’t used to being stared at in that manner.
“That’s just it. Is there? Could there be?” Helena asked. She was watching Stanley, but the questions seemed more rhetorical than anything.
“I can’t decide for you how you feel,” Stanley said simply. He shrugged his shoulders. He knew that he had feelings for her. She was different from anyone he’d known. Helena was wild and bright and opened up a new world for him. He didn’t want to tell her that. He knew she’d think he was crazy.
“I like you,” she blurted out without much thought. “I mean, I like what this could be.”
Stanley smiled at her, and that was the moment she decided to look away.
“I like you too, Helena,” he said.
Helena stared off into the distance but said nothing more. She was too lost in thought. There was more that she wanted to say, and she wished she hadn’t mentioned liking him as the first thing. Everything else would seem like an excuse after that.
“I have to go,” she whispered. Her voice was low, but Stanley could still hear her. He asked ‘what?’ anyway. He was too shocked by her sudden change in mood to really say anything else.
“I can’t be here right now,” she said. She uncrossed her legs and stood up from the bench. She lowered her head and started walking away as fast as she could.
Stanley felt like calling after her, but he knew that she wasn’t going to come back.
Chapter 6
“So you’ve decided not to take his calls?” Rebecca asked. She and Helena were sitting at a table in the far end of the cafeteria at Wellington Middle School.
“He called for the first few days, but when I didn’t answer, he stopped. He sent a couple of texts too.”
“Did you answer any of those?”
“No,” Helena sighed impatiently.
“What did he say?”
“The first few calls were him apologizing for making me feel uncomfortable, or if he said anything out of line. He didn’t want to scare me off. He said he wasn’
t expecting anything from me, he was just happy to show me around and spend some time with me. The last text he sent he apologized again and he said that he wishes me well in this new city and with my teaching. He didn’t blame me for anything.”
“All I’m hearing right now is that you’re a coward,” Rebecca frowned.
“What? It could be that he’s a pushover…” Helena said.
“Is that what you actually believe or are you just one who perpetually lacks the notion of accountability?” Rebecca asked.
“Should I be charged by the hour to talk to you?” Helena joked. It wasn’t funny, she knew.
“Why is it so difficult for you to want to connect with someone? From what I gather, you’re just afraid to commit, and he’s afraid of doing something wrong. You’re both scaredy cats. That’s something you have in common,” Rebecca said.
“First of all, I haven’t heard the term scaredy cat since grade school…”
“You’re forgetting we basically teach children,” Rebecca interrupted, but Helena kept talking through it.
“Second of all, you’re probably right. About my lack of accountability and other things too. Being open about my emotions is hard for me,” Helena said. She stuffed a few fries in her mouth and then picked up a chicken nugget, rolled it around in some ketchup, and stuffed that in her mouth too.
“Why?”
“Because anytime I thought about really opening up, someone would walk away. I’m just scared he’ll walk away.”
“I mean, I know you guys aren’t actually together, but it looks like he was patient enough with you and respected your space. He wasn’t rushing or forcing you into anything.”
“That’s true…” Helena said. She sat pensively for a second.
“You’re also afraid of people walking away, and don’t even take into account what you’re doing when you’re the one who walks away. Maybe it’s about time you stopped running.”
