Pretty Little Lies

by Jennifer Miller

  The door next to me opens and I feel the heat from Luke’s body as he reaches across me to take off my seatbelt. Taking my hand into his, he tugs, silently suggesting I step out, and places his hand on my head so I don’t hit it on the door frame of the car. Once I’m out, he places both hands on my shoulders. “Just a second.” I hear him shut my door, and a “pop” like that heard when a trunk opens. Standing there, trying to determine where we are, I hear leaves rustling, feel a slight wind in my hair and suddenly the sound of the trunk closing.

  Taking my hand back in his again, he says, “Okay, I’ll lead you.”

  We walk for a little while and based upon the soft ground I feel under my feet and the fact I can feel something brush against my legs occasionally, I start to have an idea of where we are and tears start to flood my eyes.

  We stop and I hear some rustling again for a moment. “Okay, are you ready?” Luke asks after a few seconds, sounding a little breathless, like he’s nervous.

  “I’m ready,” I respond, my throat full of emotion.

  He lifts the mask off my head and it takes me a moment to orient myself to my surroundings. Once I do, I take in a long deep breath. We are exactly where I thought we might be. Standing in front of “our tree”. Luke has spread a blanket on the ground underneath the tree, and I look at him before I can bring myself to look at the tree. He nods toward it and my eyes move to the large trunk of “our tree.”

  The tears in my eyes escape and fall down my face. I can’t stop my tears when I see ‘L loves O’ carved in the tree right where he put it years ago. Except as I look closer, it appears as though it’s freshly carved. I look at Luke with a question on my face.

  His eyes look a little glassy too and he swallows a few times before he answers my unasked question, “I came here earlier today. Our carving was here, but a little faded, so I carved over the old one so it would stand out more.”

  I step to the tree and brush my hand over them. My tears are coming faster now. “I still remember the day you did this.”

  Luke steps behind me, enfolding me in his arms, “I remember too. We were having a picnic and I was looking at the tree and thinking about how it had become ours. It was our place to come and be with each other. I knew even then that our love would last forever. Today, like then, I wanted to declare it to the universe.”

  I smile at him, remembering his concentration as he worked hard to carve our initials into the hard, rough bark with his pocket knife. He had gotten some scratches and scrapes on his fingers for the effort but he was so proud when it was complete.

  “I love it. Thank you for bringing me here. I never thought I would be back here again.”

  “Let’s sit.”

  “Okay,” I respond and walk over to the blanket a couple feet away and have a seat facing the tree so I can still see our initials. Luke sits down next to me.

  Luke is quiet and I feel him staring at me. “What’s wrong?”

  I smile at him and Luke smiles softly and says, “I love you.” He said it so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.

  I just stare at him in response, and Luke speaks again, louder this time, “I love you, Olivia.”

  I just look at him and feel my throat close up as it fills with emotion at his confession. I feel like I can’t speak. My heart is ready to burst at his words and the butterflies are on steroids in my stomach. I feel a mixture of excitement and fear. It’s the same feeling I was telling Pyper about. I know my eyes are displaying the panic I feel at his words, because his eyes widen in response. Then he straightens his back, lifts up his chin and looks at me with determination and purpose.

  “Olivia. I have loved you every minute of every day since you left me. Every second I missed you, longed for you. I tried to move on, but I felt the loss of you not only in my heart, but in my soul. There were moments when I couldn’t breathe because the pain of losing you was so strong, so brutal, that at times I lost all ability to even function. I could sit and stare at nothing for hours, just replaying our last moments together and the lie you heard me say over and over again in my mind. Sometimes I would daydream that there was a different outcome, and I even prayed to God for the chance to just talk to you, to explain. In my darkest times, I would beg him to just turn back time so I could fix everything, knowing there was no way that could happen, but wishing for it all the same.”

  His words make my panic begin to subside and the tears return to my eyes. I swallow back a sob.

  “For a while, I didn’t even know how it was possible to move on without you. Somehow I managed to, but I don’t even know how, to be honest. Survival instinct, I guess. I searched for you, I begged and pleaded with family and friends to try and find you. I would have sold my soul to the devil for one more minute with you. Eventually, I lost hope and with that, a small piece of me died, and the other tried to move on, but was always keeping one eye open for you just in case.”

  “When I saw you that day at the restaurant, the very girl that still haunts my dreams, I didn’t waste any time thanking God for bringing you back to me.” Luke stops and swallows again. I need to move. I stand because I need a little space between us. I walk to the tree and stare at our initials until I feel Luke come up behind me and whirl me around placing his hands on my shoulders.

  “Olivia, I will spend every day of the rest of my life begging you to forgive me. I will do anything you want. Anything. But please, all I’m asking is for your forgiveness and for you to just love me. Tell me there’s a chance, tell me you can get there, tell me what I can do.”

  I just stand there and look at him, feeling scared but also a new feeling starts to run through my body. I had already forgiven him, but in a way I don’t think I’d forgiven myself. I’m just as much to blame for what happened because I ran. I didn’t trust Luke either.

  “Luke, I’ve not only forgiven you, but I’ve forgiven myself too.”

  “Forgiven yourself? For what?”

  “I realized something the night at the club when I almost ran away again, and right now while listening to you, it’s even clearer. I had already forgiven you for what had happened, but in a way I don’t think I’d forgiven myself.” Luke opens his mouth to interrupt me, but I place my fingers against his lips quieting him. “I may not have been the one to tell a lie, but I’m just as guilty for what happened as a result of it. I ran, Luke. I assumed the worst and I ran. I’ve spent almost every day since running. I didn’t trust you. I just made an assumption and based my actions on that assumption. I’m so tired of running. I want to stay in place, to trust again. I want to learn to trust myself again and I trust you. Can you ever forgive me?”

  “Angel,” he whispers, “there’s nothing to forgive.”

  “But there is. I’m so sorry for not trusting in you, for not trusting in us. Please forgive me.”

  As I look at him and wait for his reply, I feel a few rain drops hit me on the scalp and nose. I look up into the sky, my eyes in a squint. The sky is darkening fast. Luke still hasn’t responded, but I can feel him looking at me intently. I meet his stare, “What is it?”

  “I forgave you years ago, so if you need to hear it then yes, I forgive you.”

  My eyes fill up with tears again and I feel relief run through my body like a river from head to toe. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear those words.

  Four years it took me to snap out of the illusion my mind had created for me when I was married to Deacon. Years to finally get a clue and to confront the reality of what my marriage really was. One big giant lie that I had tried to make look pretty in my mind, but that’s the thing…I didn’t believe the lie because I had to; I believed it because I wanted to. I was still running. I didn’t want to admit failure, I worried about what others would think, and I didn’t want to be alone. I allowed myself to live a lie because I was afraid of those things, and that is so much worse than the very things I feared.

  As I think those words, they take on a whole new meaning. It’s like the clouds part and
let the sunshine in, even though it is starting to rain harder – a light, but steady sprinkle. Everything inside of me is screaming for me to just admit to him that I love him too. Oh! I love him too! I need to trust my heart and let down my walls. I’ve been ignoring these emotions inside of me. And why? Because my dignity and proving a point is more important? Because I’m worried about people judging me? What people? There is no one in my life right now other than my parents and Pyper. Deacon made me ostracize everyone. So what am I so fearful of? When am I going to finally stop making excuses? That isn’t me. Not anymore. Now, I’m a woman that finally stands up and takes control of what she wants. I’m a woman that needs to start listening to her heart and stop living in fear. It’s time I jump again and trust my instincts. They’ve never been wrong – I knew deep inside marrying Deacon was a mistake – but I just pushed them aside and forgot to trust myself. I already have far too many regrets at the young age of twenty-five. I don’t want to add anymore to the already too long list.

  Luke is watching me and waiting, instinctively knowing I needed to work some things out for myself before responding. My heart aches a little looking at him. He’s wringing his hands in nervousness, his shoulders have slumped and he’s biting his lip, but there is a glimmer of hope in his eyes while he watches me.

  I step to him and raise up on my toes to kiss him. My lips just whisper against his at first. I trace the seam of his lips begging for entry, he gives it and I kiss him deeply. I take the lead and stroke my tongue against him, exploring his mouth and putting everything I’m feeling into it. Everything that I haven’t yet said to him. My hands clutch his shirt in tight fists. His arms come around me and he presses our bodies together. I kiss him for another minute and then pull away, breathless. “Luke, I love you too. I never stopped. I want to be with you, I’ve missed you so very much. For the first time in a very long time, I feel complete again. I feel like I’m home when I’m with you and I don’t ever want to lose you again. You don’t have to ask me to love you, I already do.”

  The smile on Luke’s face is brilliant. He responds by kissing me and this time, he’s the one that takes the lead. He doesn’t beg for entry, he takes it. I feel his love, relief and need in our kiss. It instantly gains heat and before I know it, he’s backed me up against the tree. I lift my legs wrapping them around his waist. Luke’s hands are flat on either side of my head and I pull apart from him.

  I look into his eyes and the love and passion I see there takes my breath away. I hope he sees the same look in mine. Despite the sanctuary offered by our tree, the occasional drops of rain that started as a cold gentle caress demand more attention now as they gain strength and fall harder and more frequently against our skin. I couldn’t care less, all I can think about is how much I want him. Now.

  I start unbuttoning his shirt and when I reach the end I push it off his shoulders and down his arms and for the first time his whole upper body is completely bared to me, which is why I see the tattoo dusting his skin for the first time. On his upper arm a large circle with an interweaving pattern sits there. It’s beautiful. I smile, “Wow. A tattoo? Aren’t you full of surprises?”

  Luke smiles, “Do you like it? It’s called a Celtic tattoo. The tattoo tells a story.”

  “Yes, I like it. It’s hot.” Luke’s grin widens. “Why a Celtic tattoo??”

  “A Celtic knot is a design that has no beginning and no end. It represents repeatable cycles of rebirth and death. But most importantly to me, it also symbolizes love and personal growth. I got it…” Luke swallows, “I got it because it reminds me of you.”

  My mouth opens. Then closes again. “Of me? How?”

  “Yes you, angel,” he says as he brushes my hair out of my face, “Always you. It reminds me that I should always tell the truth, that my journey of personal growth is not something I should blow off. The knots have no beginning and no end, like my love for you. This knot design also means that all our paths are connected and I’ve always hoped mine would cross with yours again. I got it about a year ago.”

  I gasp, “A year ago? But…but I left seven years ago.”

  He smiles sadly, “I know.”

  My love for him flows through my body. This man is everything. I want him now, and every day from now on. “Luke, I love you. I’m so glad our paths crossed again. I need you. Now.”

  Luke looks at me with surprise, “Here? Now? It’s raining.”

  “Here. Right now, like this, here. It should be here don’t you think?”

  “Olivia…”

  “Luke. I love you. Now touch me. Don’t make me beg.”

  “Never,” he replies breathlessly.

  Luke lifts my sweater over my head. Then he lifts my tank top up exposing my sheer bra. He touches my breasts and moans. “You have the most beautiful breasts, Olivia.” I groan.

  I unwrap my legs from his waist and push him away from me a little, my back still against the tree. I reach for his pants and start unbuckling them. Pushing him away a little more, I stroke him and then drop to my knees and take him into my mouth. Luke’s groan of pleasure makes heat enter my belly and flood between my legs. I run my tongue up and down his length again and again until I feel Luke tug on me pulling me back up. “I want you now.”

  We pull my leggings down, I slip one leg out leaving the other inside. Not perfect, yet at the same time, just right. Luke walks toward me and puts my back against the tree once again. He presses our hips together and I feel his erection between my legs. “Now, Luke.”

  The rain is pouring now and Luke and I are soaking wet, but I do not care. All I notice is him and how beautiful his skin looks with water pouring down it. He presses closer and I put my legs around his waist again and Luke starts easing himself into me and I’ve never felt more full. Complete.

  We both groan together and Luke begins sliding in and out. I’ve never wanted anyone more. Our bodies are wet and each time we come together when he thrusts, our bodies make a loud slapping sound. He reaches down and starts stroking me and I throw my head back in pleasure, banging it against the trunk of the tree, but I barely notice.

  A feeling unlike any other starts gathering in my belly. Like a constant ache that I can feel, but not quite reach, my orgasm approaches. “More, Luke.” In response, Luke moves faster and he sets my nerve endings on fire. I’m lost to him, and before I know it, I’m tumbling over the edge, as I’m finally able to reach the ache and make it mine, leaving me to shudder uncontrollably. With a couple more thrusts and a whispered, “Angel,” Luke soon follows me. He doesn’t remove himself from me completely, just holds me to his body, both of us trying to get our breathing under control.

  “I love you, Olivia,” he whispers in my ear.

  “I love you too, Luke.”

  I’m complete.

  I’m whole.

  I have the ‘more’ I’ve been searching for and deserve.

  ’m preparing to leave the restaurant where I just had a great oriental salad for lunch. Having decided that it was time for me to expand my world, meet some new people and make new friends, I joined a local writers group. While both Pyper and Luke have friends that would likely be glad to include me in their circle, it’s important to me to do this on my own. I’m sure I’ll eventually meet more of their friends, but going through this process, connecting and relating to people and selecting friends and acquaintances based on mutual enjoyments and opinions, is exciting.

  Our first meeting was really great. I met three women that I felt like I could possibly have a great friend connection with over time. We’ll see, but Lauren, Cindy, and Tami were all really nice girls and I’m already looking forward to getting to know them better. Not only do we share a love of reading, I enjoyed finding out that we have a lot in common, including fashion – especially a love for handbags. It’s like they had a key to my heart.

  Before I approach the turn style door, the maître d’ stops me with “Miss?” Presenting me with a wrapped bouquet of red roses he states, “These w
ere delivered here for you. I believe the card is inside. Have a wonderful day!”

  Nearly skipping to my car, I remove my phone from my jeans pocket. I had it on vibrate while we lunched so we wouldn’t be disturbed. Having felt a buzz earlier, I look at the screen. I smile seeing Luke’s name. “I woke up wanting to kiss you. I can’t wait to see you tonight. I love you, angel.”

  He makes me glow with happiness. When I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and saw this girl staring back at me, with eyes shining full of love, dark circles under her eyes gone and cheeks flushed in health, I barely recognized myself.

  It’s been a couple weeks since our date at our tree. I smile and blush, just thinking about it. To say Luke and I have been hot and heavy since then is a drastic understatement. We can’t seem to spend enough time together or get enough of each other right now. We can’t keep our hands to ourselves. I crave him like a drug and I hope to never get enough. I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone.

  I unlock the car and quickly take my seat, eager to look at the card that came with the flowers. I smile. I love that Luke surprises me like this. I hope he never stops. It makes me feel so special. I wonder if he gave me red roses now that we’ve declared our love for one another.

  I pull the card out and before reading it place the roses to my nose. They smell exquisite. A beautiful deep blood red color, they have partially opened and are gorgeous. I open the card reading the note, “Come home as soon as you can. Have a surprise for you.”

  A surprise? I wonder what it is. I wasn’t supposed to see him until tonight. I look at my text again and see it came in an hour ago. He must have changed his mind since he sent it. Tonight we have plans to go to his childhood home. I told Luke a few days ago that I decided to meet with his mother. I know it means a lot to him that I have agreed to see her. Luke asked me if I was sure and said again that I didn’t have to do it if I didn’t want to, but I think it’s time to put that part of our life behind us. We are back together and happier than ever. It’s time to move on, and I know part of that includes seeing and forgiving her.