Torn

by A. M. Wallace

  Besides, we were friends who were becoming closer every day, so why would we want to jeopardize that? I had to live through her boyfriends in high school, which luckily for me, weren’t many. Even fewer into adulthood, thank God. I had to live through her heartbreaks, which was awful. I never once told Hannah how I felt. I didn't have to. There was no point. She didn't feel the same way. I knew her well enough to know how she felt. I was okay with that…I think. I just hoped she couldn't read my thoughts about this as well as she could with most other things.

  Quit texting in class. See you tonight.

  I slid my phone back in my pocket right as I got to the restaurant. I walked in and ordered Rachel’s and my subs. I missed the lunchtime rush, so it didn't take long at all, thank God. I wanted to get back for my last scheduled client, and then I hoped to leave a little early tonight. Hannah wasn't kidding when she said I probably wouldn't get any pizza if I was late. Those girls really could eat and not gain a pound. Lucky for them. I'd threatened them both numerous times if they started putting on weight, I was going to personally make sure they lost the pounds. They knew I was kidding, but it was always fun to tease them about making them workout. They weren't those types of girls.

  after my last client left, it was going on ten. Not completely unusual for a Friday night, but still. Today was insane. It was a good thing I loved my job. I passed Rachel at the front desk on the way to my office, waving goodbye to her as she was preparing to head out herself.

  I hurried into my office and grabbed my keys, walking back out and locking my door. I looked at my phone as I was leaving the gym, walking on autopilot to my car. I typed out a quick text to Hannah, letting her know I was now on my way before climbing in my car and starting her up. Man, she sounded awesome.

  Did I mention that I love my car?

  ’72 Chevy Nova I restored with my dad as a kid. I’d worked my ass off to keep her in tip-top shape and it was definitely paying off. She ran like she was brand new. This car had been my first love. I’d still like to think she was. Unrequited love didn’t count, so she still was. I laughed at my train of thought. Who tried to justify loving a car? Or even compare loving a car to a woman. I shook my head as I drove. That was it. I needed a woman. Fast.

  While I’d always loved my car, the idea of finding someone was appealing. I was twenty five years old. Maybe it was time. I just wasn’t sure I could handle it being around Hannah. The idea of having someone else was hard, but the idea of her having someone else was harder. I really needed to get over this. We weren’t together. We had never been together. We would never be together, and it was okay, really it was. We’d had a great relationship. A lot better than most. The only other person I considered myself as close to was Chad, but we hadn’t been friends as long as Hannah and I had. Obviously, I didn’t have secret feelings about Chad, but that wasn’t the only reason it was different. Erica and I had gotten close, too, since she and Hannah had become friends, but still, it was different with Hannah. I couldn’t really put my finger on it. I guess it didn’t matter. I had great friends, and that’s what mattered.

  As I pulled into my driveway, I saw Erica’s car parked at the curb. I got out of my car and locked her up before jogging up to the front door. I opened the door and walked in, getting ready to yell I was home, but stopped when I went into the living room and saw both girls asleep on the couch. Hannah on one end, Erica on the other. I laughed. They probably came right after class, which meant they’d been here for almost three hours. I shook my head at them before going to the hall closet, grabbing a big comforter, walking back into the living room, and spreading it over them. I turned the T.V. off and grabbed the pizza and their glasses to take into the kitchen, shutting the living room light off on the way.

  I sat everything down on the counter, not bothering with it tonight. I grabbed a couple pieces of pizza and walked back to my bedroom. It didn’t take me long to scarf down the food and get ready for bed. After the day I had, I just wanted to go to sleep. I turned off my light and climbed into bed, sighing as my muscles instantly started relaxing. I shut my eyes, knowing sleep wouldn’t be far off. Besides, if the past were any indication, I’d be getting a wakeup call bright and early tomorrow by some rotten girls who’d had enough sleep.

  i groaned as i rolled over on the couch, the morning light hitting my face from the window. Who the hell put it there? I sat up and opened my eyes, yawning as I looked around. Oh, right, I was at Marcus' house. I looked down beside me and Erica was still sound asleep on the other end of the couch. We must have fallen asleep before Marcus got home last night. That girl could sleep through anything, really. I slid off the couch and made sure she was still covered before going to the kitchen to make coffee. Marcus didn't drink it, but he kept it in the house for me. I knew there was a reason I loved him.

  I added the water and the coffee then turned the coffee pot on, walking over to look through his fridge as it brewed. Meh. If there was one thing Marcus and I truly disagreed on, it was food. While he ate ‘bad’ food occasionally, like last night's pizza, he was quite the health food junkie. He swore up and down I only disliked the foods he ate because they were considered healthy, but I just didn't like them. Okay, so I'd never eaten a lot of the healthy food he made, but they didn’t seem too appetizing, so I avoided them. Which meant I was going to avoid everything in his refrigerator right now. Great.

  Oh!

  I smiled wide and opened the freezer, feeling extremely proud of myself for remembering my stash of fudge pops in the back. I was sure Marcus knew they were there, but he humored me by pretending I was getting one over on him when he'd catch me eating one. I grabbed one out of the box and opened it, discarding the wrapper before nibbling on the top of it. Breakfast of champions.

  I glanced at the clock on the wall, seeing it was going on eight, before walking down the hallway to Marcus' room. He never really slept in too late, so I thought I would help him out. I walked into his room and grinned at the sight of him sleeping on his stomach with the covers pulled up to just his waist, his arms crossed under his head. He usually slept in his boxers, but with Erica here, he might have shorts on. Either way, I liked looking at him.

  He was so attractive, but in a nerdy sort of way. Short brown hair, gorgeous deep blue eyes, and an awesome body. I mean, come on, he was a personal trainer for God's sake. He also wore a pair of glasses with thicker rims than were considered ‘cool’. He liked them and didn't care what anyone else thought. I honestly thought they made him who he was, which made him that much more attractive. He had contacts he wore if he played basketball or went swimming or something, but he couldn't stand them. I laughed quietly, remembering the first time he ever wore contacts.

  We were in high school, his sophomore year during basketball season. His coach finally told him to try contacts. While he had natural talent, he would often adjust his glasses and lose sight of his opponent, or he'd get an elbow or head to the face and they'd break. He had gone through three pairs by then, I think. So, he went to the optometrist and was fitted.

  He came home in his trial pair, blinking with just about every word he spoke. It was funny to watch, like he'd developed some sort of tic while at the eye doctor. He went to take them out so we'd all stop making fun of him, but he couldn't get them out of his eyes!

  “Well, how in the hell did you get them in there in the first place?” his dad asked from the doorway of the bathroom.

  “The doctor put them in for me!” Marcus yelled as he leaned over the bathroom sink, getting as close as he could to the mirror. Finally, I went in and sat him down on the closed toilet seat and took them out for him. It took me about an hour or so because his eyes were already hurting from having them in and from messing with them himself, but we finally did it. His eyes were bloodshot and watery, but he was definitely more comfortable.

  He learned to put them in and take them out himself, obviously. It wasn't like I was going to trail around behind him and do it for him. But he still hated we
aring them. I didn't blame him. The idea of constantly putting something on my eyeballs made me cringe.

  I took a bite of my fudge bar before climbing onto his bed, sitting Indian style while I ate my ‘breakfast’. I could look at Marcus all day. Especially shirtless. Any girl would be a fool not to find him attractive.

  It was times like this I liked to indulge a little and maybe make myself a total freak, but it was very easy to imagine this as my everyday life. Me, waking up next to a half-naked, or if I was lucky, a fully naked Marcus. The two of us spending the day together doing whatever couples who've been together practically their whole lives do.

  I imagined lightly running my fingers over his bare back, not hard enough to wake him, but just enough pressure for him to feel it everywhere. I could imagine him rolling over and throwing his arm around me, purposefully pinning me to his body so he could sleep a little longer, but also so we could just be close. I could imagine him kissing me awake, in all the right places, making us both play hooky so we could spend the day tangled up in one another.

  I groaned. I had to stop. This was ridiculous. Marcus was not mine. He never would be. I needed to deal.

  To keep from feeling like a total creeper, even though I was sure I'd already crossed the line, I stuck my foot out and nudged him a couple of times before resuming my position like I hadn't done anything. He grumbled something and slowly turned his head in my direction, looking up at me with one eye partially open.

  “That better not be chocolate you have in my bed.” Did I mention Marcus' sleepy voice was my favorite? But if I were being honest with myself, there wasn't much about Marcus I didn't consider my favorite. Ah, hell, there I went again.

  Stop, Hannah!

  “It's not in your bed.” I took the final bite and smirk around it. “It's in my mouth, see?” I opened my mouth wide to show him before finishing it off. He shook his head and pulled the pillow over his head. “Marcus, get up now, or I will get chocolate in your bed.”

  He mumbled something under the pillow. I immediately yanked it off his head and he groaned.

  “Woman, I worked hard yesterday. I deserve to sleep in. Go play with Erica.” He grabbed another pillow to pull over his head and turned away from me.

  “Erica is still asleep.” He lifted the pillow and turned to glare at me.

  “Oh, so you let her sleep in? I see how it is.” I rolled my eyes and lay down on my side to face him as he turned away again.

  “I'm bored.” I dragged the word out into a long whine. He snorted and shook his head under his pillow.

  “You're a baby sometimes; you know that, right?” I nodded with a grin. He looked at me before sliding out of the covers and sitting on the edge of the bed to stretch—this was always a nice view too—before standing up and walking straight to the bathroom. I bit my lip as I watched. Even with Erica here, it looked like last night was a boxers night. And my mind wanted to wander again. In a perfect world, I’d follow him right into the bathroom.

  I seriously needed a date. An escort. Something.

  Knowing Marcus' usual morning routine, I knew he'd hop in the shower first thing. So, I got out of his bed and walked back into the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee with lots of sugar and cream while I waited for him. It never took him very long.

  Just as I suspected, he came out not even fifteen minutes later with wet hair and a pair of basketball shorts but no shirt. Lazy Saturday it was. This was how I knew he wasn't attracted to me. Marcus wasn't the kind of guy who flaunted himself in any way, and had he had feelings for me, he would have a shirt on right now. Which always told me he must think of me as family and by family, I meant like a sister, which made me sick to my stomach.

  It was hard to find someone to distract me from Marcus when all I did was go to school, go to work, and—big surprise—hangout with Marcus. I didn't have much of a life outside of him. Maybe that was the problem. There was no maybe, really. I knew it was the problem. But I loved spending time with him and I couldn't imagine spending my time with anyone else who would make me as happy as Marcus did, even if we would never be more than friends. Marcus was familiar. I liked familiar.

  But a change didn't look so bad sometimes.

  He scrunched his nose up at the smell of my coffee, which made me laugh. He loved the smell of coffee, he just didn't drink it. He walked over to the refrigerator and got out his almond milk—yes, almond milk. Who drank that?—and poured some into his blender. He added his protein powder and got his premade bag of frozen berries from the freezer and added them, too, before turning it on. I could have made that for him. I wasn’t sure why I didn't. I could make it with my eyes closed. He had the same thing for breakfast just about every morning.

  “Mark, I'm going to throw that damn thing out the window.” I looked behind me to see a disgruntled Erica walking into the kitchen with the comforter wrapped around her. I laughed. She glared at me as she sat down next to me at the bar where I sat watching Marcus.

  “What? You don't like being awakened by a blender in the morning?” She glared at me again before glaring at Marcus. He just laughed and shut off the blender, turning to us and drinking straight from the pitcher. Erica made a face at him.

  “Good stuff. Want one?” He smirked at Erica and she grumbled.

  “Turn the blender on again, Mark, and see what happens.” Erica was not a morning person. Marcus and I laughed.

  “So, ladies, what's the game plan for today?” He finished drinking his shake as he waited for us to answer. I looked at Erica and she shrugged.

  “Ask me again after some coffee,” Erica grumbled and I slid her my cup before going and making myself another. I looked over at Marcus and caught him staring at me.

  “What?” I asked, suddenly self-conscious, though I wasn’t sure why I would be.

  “You're lucky I love you.” My heart stopped. What did he just say? It wasn't unusual for us to tell each other we loved one another, but still. Sometimes, I just got this feeling…But that was silly. I shouldn't be getting my hopes up.

  “What do you mean?” I swallowed hard and looked away to make my coffee. Sometimes I couldn't handle the intensity of his stare.

  “Because I keep that crap in my house for you.” Oh, right. Of course that's what he meant. I laughed lightly.

  “Yeah, well, I'd just sneak it in if you didn't.” He laughed this time and we both turned around when Erica banged her head against the counter. Marcus looked confused at this, but I knew why she was doing it. She'd taken to giving subtle hints she thought I needed to suck it up and admit my feelings for Marcus. She was wrong. It wasn’t going to happen.

  “Okay, then,” Marcus said and put his pitcher in the sink and turned to lean against it. “All right, ladies, coffee is done. What are we doing today?”

  the girls wanted to go to Adventureland, this cheesy amusement park just outside the city. Don't get me wrong, I liked roller coasters as much as the next guy, but this wasn't how I wanted to spend my day, especially because, if given the choice, Hannah would be at the amusement park every single weekend. It got old, but I guess I couldn't really complain. I had my three favorite people with me.

  Hannah and Erica were pretty much inseparable. Therefore, I was around Erica a lot too. The same went for Chad and me. The four of us were almost always together doing something like this, especially on weekends. While I technically only had Sundays off, occasionally I'd make sure my schedule was clear on another day or two to give myself some much needed time off.

  I was glad Hannah got along with Chad, just as I knew it made her happy that Erica and I got along so well. To be honest, it was hard not to like Chad, so I didn't think I had to worry when we started hanging out that Hannah wouldn't like him. He was one of the best guys I knew, the very best friend a guy could have, really. We were complete opposites. Not that I was a bad guy or anything, but when it came to our activities and interests, we couldn't be more different sometimes. But somehow, our friendship worked.

  I'
d rather spend my free time working out or working on my car. Chad had always been more into his education. Currently in his seventh year of college, he was still undecided. He had all the pre-reqs he needed for probably four different majors. But he loved school, and if we were being honest, he'd end up making so much money his loans would all but vanish once he decided he was done.

  I met Chad during our sophomore year of college. I wasn’t exactly proud of how we met, but not necessarily ashamed either. I hadn't been doing too well in my Kinesiology class and finally admitted I needed a tutor if I was going to pass. I was embarrassed for myself. I'd never needed help in school before. I got straight A's in high school and even helped tutor other students occasionally. I wasn't above needing a tutor in a way that made me completely stuck up. It bothered me because I knew I was better than that. No, I didn't think I was too good for a tutor, but I knew I could get through school. I knew I could do better than what I was doing, but for whatever reason, I couldn't get the hang of that course at first.

  I was sitting in the library, waiting on my tutor when Chad finally walked over to where I was. My first thought when I looked up at him was that he was definitely my tutor. He had that look about him. Tall and kind of scrawny, glasses not much different than my own, and he dressed the part. Yes, I'm talking suspenders and bow ties. He was wearing them that day and I never let him live that down. In return, he never let me live down the fact that, without him, I wouldn't have passed that class.