Torn

by A. M. Wallace

  This all seemed very forced and I didn’t like it. Usually, we were so open with each other that the talk of school or work hardly ever came up because we already knew about it. Now, here we were, struggling for conversation.

  “It’s going well. I’m almost done with the first half of my lesson plan for next semester to turn into my mentor.” He nodded as I spoke and the more I watched him, the more I realized he looked nervous. I raised my brow at him and he let out a breath like he knew he’d been busted.

  “Okay, so you know how I told you I had something I needed to tell you?” He started clapping his hand to his fist out in front of him as I nodded. “You remember me telling you about Amy at work, right?”

  I swallowed hard and nodded again. Where was he going with this? My heart felt like it was in my throat and my stomach was in knots instantly.

  “Well, we’re kind of seeing each other. It’s casual, right now, nothing too terribly serious,” he said it all in a bit of a rush, like he wanted my approval and he needed to say it fast or risk not getting it out at all.

  “Really?” I tried to sound surprised, but happy, though I’m not sure how it came out.

  Casual? I’d never really known Marcus to be casual when it came to dating. Sure, no one he’d ever dated had been serious material anyway, but he was always exclusive. He wasn’t into dating more than one girl at a time. What if he was now? I could maybe handle him dating one girl—maybe, but probably not like I’d hope—but definitely not two or even three.

  I’d come here today with my biggest fear being that I’d get all those feelings for Marcus back and drop Justin, but I hadn’t even thought of the possibility that Marcus would be dating someone too. I felt like a huge hypocrite, but I didn’t care.

  I didn’t like it. Not one bit.

  “Yeah, I asked her out Friday after work, and then we hung out with Chad yesterday.”

  His words dug into me and I felt worse than I did a minute ago. Chad? They hung out with Chad? I thought I was the best friend here? Shouldn’t I be the one to meet the girlfriend first?

  “I really like her, Hannah.”

  How could I even be thinking things like that when I was the one who’d kept the same kind of secret from him? My mind was seriously messed up right now.

  “I can’t wait for you to meet her.”

  Crap. Marcus was still talking. Did I miss anything? I really hoped not, but I knew I must have. This inner battle in my head was driving me insane and making it impossible to think of much else at the moment.

  “Yeah, I can’t wait to meet her.” I really hoped I sounded more excited than I really was at the moment.

  Marcus went on to tell me about his first date with Amy, how they went to the club, which I knew couldn’t have been Marcus’ idea, but his rambling told me how wrong I was. He took her there knowing it was where she would have wanted to go. He did that for her. Of course he did. That was the kind of guy Marcus was. I was still battling my thoughts when something Marcus said caught my attention.

  “She was a little too drunk and didn’t want to go home, so she stayed here Friday night.” I blinked at him and he must have read my expression for what it was because he quickly added, “Nothing happened. I slept on the couch.”

  Of course nothing happened. Marcus wasn’t that kind of guy. Oh, hell, I hadn’t been that kind of girl, either, but it didn’t stop me. Who was I to put Marcus on this pedestal?

  I was so confused with myself. On one hand, I was mad about the fact that Marcus was dating another girl. Jealous, just like I always was when this happened, but something was different. With the other girls Marcus had dated, I didn’t feel the threat like I did now. Something was very different about this girl. It was both a good and a bad thing, I suppose.

  On the other hand, I was mad at myself for keeping Justin a secret from Marcus for all this time when he couldn’t wait to tell me about Amy. I guess that really spoke for itself, didn’t it? He wasn’t worried about me knowing like I was him because he didn’t feel the same way. I’d always known that, but that didn’t make this hurt any less.

  And of course, I was also extremely angry at myself for letting all of this bother me. I was with Justin, not Marcus. Marcus could date anyone he wanted. I had to get over that.

  “So, what’s she like?” I wanted to get away from the subject of the actual date. Maybe I could actually focus on this.

  “Oh, man, Hannah,” he gave me a huge smile, “she’s amazing. We just click. I think Chad likes her too.”

  Another strike to my heart.

  “Oh, good. I’m glad.”

  “I think you’ll like her.” He nodded to back up what he said and I forced a smile. He raised a brow and eyed me carefully. “You’re not saying much. Is everything all right?”

  I had to think on my feet. I didn’t want to let on like I was hurt by all of this, but I needed an excuse as to why I was acting a little awkward.

  “Yeah, it’s just…I’ve been seeing someone too, actually.” He blinked in shock.

  Well, that worked, I guess.

  i shouldn’t have been as surprised as I was at Hannah’s news, but I was. She’d been seeing someone too? I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Okay, that was a lie. I didn’t really like it, but what could I say about it?

  “Really? Someone from school?” I kept the surprise from my voice, hoping she didn’t get the idea I was upset.

  “Kind of. We don’t have any classes together or anything.”

  “But you met at school, then?” She nodded and starting chewing on the inside of her cheek. Why was she so nervous?

  “Yeah, he asked me out on Monday and it’s been kind of an ongoing thing since.” She flinched as she said it, almost like she knew I’d be mad. I wasn’t mad, but I definitely didn’t like it. She’d been lying to me all week, saying she had things to do with school, when she was really with this guy.

  “Since Monday?” She nodded again and I nodded slowly. “Is that why you haven’t been around then?” I didn’t mean to sound jealous, but it was out there now.

  Even if there weren’t any feelings there for me, I’d still be jealous. Who wouldn’t be when the person you spend most of your time with is suddenly spending their time with someone else?

  “Yeah, I was going to tell you sooner, but over the phone or through a text just seemed too impersonal.” Her words were rushed. She had anticipated this. I could tell she was debating in her head about telling me anything more about this guy.

  I could feel things getting awkward between us, but I didn’t know how to stop it. I knew I should be happy for Hannah if she was happy with this guy, but I couldn’t get it out of my mind that she waited so long to tell me. No, a week wasn’t a terribly long time, but still. We had no secrets. Maybe I was wrong to feel the way I did. I didn’t know.

  I thought about hanging out with Amy and Chad yesterday and suddenly felt like I betrayed Hannah in some way. Amy and I spent the entire day with Chad. We went bowling and went out for pizza. She even talked with him about his girl troubles in a way that seemed to really soothe him. It was something I never really saw with him and Hannah. Not that they weren’t good friends, but something told me if I wasn’t in the picture, they wouldn’t have been friends to begin with. I didn’t feel like that with Amy and Chad. I could honestly say they would have probably ended up friends with or without me. I really liked that. But at the same time, it made me feel that much worse about leaving Hannah out of that, so to speak. I needed to try and make a better effort now.

  “Tell me about him.” She looked up from where she’d been staring at the floor, waiting for my response.

  “Really?” she asked, surprised I asked, I guessed. I was surprised with myself.

  “Yeah, if it’s someone you’re going to be with, I think I should know him a little too, right?” I raised my eyebrow and she nodded.

  “You’re right. Well, um, he’s going to law school next year. He takes his LSAT this spring.” I furrow
ed my brow as she continued, a little shocked that was the first thing she chose to tell me.

  Had she been an ex-girlfriend, I’d have thought she was trying to make him seem better than me, but I didn’t think that was the case. She sounded proud of him. Maybe she just wanted to start with something impressive. It was impressive. He must be smart.

  She went on to tell me about their first date; he had taken her to Antonio’s. Even I knew that was a good first date for her. She wasn’t really into the fancy places, but Antonio’s was perfect. Not very fancy but fancy enough, as Hannah would say. And it was her favorite. She mentioned how they hung out a few times throughout the week, which was why she was so busy she couldn’t see me. She didn’t say that, but it was obvious.

  I couldn’t really be mad about it, I knew that. But it did bother me, for all the wrong reasons. I wanted Hannah to be happy, and I knew it wouldn’t be with me. I guess what bothered me most was that she told me she was busy with school when really it was with her new boyfriend. Maybe that was a stupid thing to be upset about. I felt justified in the way I was feeling, but that didn’t mean I had to say anything about it. So, I wouldn’t, unless it kept happening. I didn’t believe she would intentionally try to hurt me in that way.

  “He sounds really great, Han.” I smiled and she beamed back at me. I’d swallow my stupid pride if it meant making her happy.

  “That’s not even the best part! He took me to the Renaissance Festival!” I laughed lightly at the irony. Score two for whoever this guy was.

  I had to admit, Hannah was extremely happy. That had to stand for something. Maybe I was overreacting, but this guy seemed a little too good to be true. That sounded awful, I know. Hannah deserved the best, but I didn’t want her to get hurt in the process of finding the best there was out there for her.

  “Sounds like he knows you pretty well already.” She sighed and continued to grin at me.

  “He does seem a little too good to be true, doesn’t he?” It was like she could read my mind sometimes. “He just gets me, you know? And he listens to everything I say. He even brought me Gerber daisies when he picked me up Saturday.” She absolutely beamed when she said it. He got another of Hannah’s favorites.

  “Wow.” It was all I could say. I really was amazed. Most guys wouldn’t pick up on things like that in a few months of dating, let alone a few days.

  “Marcus, say something else, please.”

  “What?” I chuckled. “What do you want me to say?”

  “That you’re happy for me?” She bit her lip, hopeful.

  “I am happy for you, Hannah.” She sighed and folded her arms over her chest.

  “But?” She knew me well. Apparently, I couldn’t hide my feelings as well as I thought I could.

  “I just don’t want you to get hurt.” This time, I crossed my arms over my chest and waited. She took her time replying.

  “I know you don’t, Marcus, but I am happy.” She looked up at me with those big green eyes, and I almost crumbled, like always. Even if I didn’t have these feelings for her, she had a way of getting what she wanted, not in a terrible way either.

  “Then, I’m happy for you.” And I meant it. I was happy that she was happy. I wanted to keep her happy. Just because this guy seemed off to me, didn’t mean he was.

  It was a mixture of my jealousy, which I told myself I’d overcome, and the protectiveness I felt toward Hannah. I cared about her and I didn’t want her to get hurt. I was willing to do what I could to prevent that. And right now, being there for her as her friend and being happy about her new boyfriend was a way to do it.

  “Then can we stop being so awkward now?” She huffed like she was completely exhausted and I had to agree.

  “Well, I guess,” I sighed with a smirk and she grinned and walked over to me, hugging my waist again.

  I return her hug, resting my head on top of hers, my mind going about a mile a minute. Hannah didn’t seem exactly thrilled about Amy either, but I figured that was because we were both growing in different directions. It was normal for the two of us to be worried about how our friendship would change when we got into relationships with other people. We’d be lying to ourselves if we thought it wouldn’t change at all. But for now, I was all for pretending. I was all for keeping Hannah to myself for a little longer.

  “His name is Justin.” I blinked and pulled my head back as Hannah spoke and looked down at her.

  “What?”

  “That’s his name. I haven’t told you his name yet.” She smiled shyly. “His name is Justin.”

  “Ah, I see.” I grinned and rubbed her shoulders gently before letting go completely. “Well, I was perfectly okay with calling him douchebag in my head, but now you’ve ruined that.”

  Her hand came up, and before I could move away, she punched me in the arm. It didn’t really hurt, but I still flinched. I was just about to give her hell about how she didn’t know how to punch when she doubled over, holding her hand.

  “Ow,” she half whined, half giggled as she glared at me.

  “Are you okay?” I was smirking, but I did want to check on her.

  “Why did that hurt me more than it hurt you?” She whined some more and pushed my hand away when I tried to take a look. I laughed.

  “Because I’m like Superman and you’re well…you’re not.” She didn’t look amused. I grabbed her arm, despite her protests, to look at her hand.

  “You’re mean,” she huffed as she finally gave up and let me take a look.

  “Why? Because your punch didn’t hurt me?”

  “No, for calling Justin a douchebag.” She tried to look really mad, but I knew she wasn’t.

  “Don’t lie. You know I was joking. You’re mad because you’re hurt and it’s your fault.”

  “If you hadn’t said it, I wouldn’t have punched you!” she yelled, but at the same time, finally laughed.

  “No, if you knew how to punch, you wouldn’t have hurt yourself. Therefore, this is all your fault.” I looked down at her hand and shook my head. “You’ll live.”

  “Well, don’t sound so enthused.” She yanked her hand back and narrowed her eyes at me.

  I pinched her side, making her squirm as I walked past her to get to the refrigerator to get myself a bottle of water. I was glad things seemed to be okay with us for right now. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to meeting this guy, but I would for Hannah. Besides, I was very anxious for her to meet Amy. I couldn’t very well be happy for that if I wasn’t happy to meet this Justin guy. I could make the effort.

  I turned back around to see Hannah looking at me. Just looking. No expression really. It unnerved me because I couldn’t read her. Was this how it was going to be from now on?

  “What?” I asked with a nervous chuckle before taking a drink of my water.

  “Things are changing, aren’t they?” I took a deep breath and really thought about her words.

  That’s what I was worried about. Yes, it was only part of my worry, but still, it was a real possibility. No, it was happening.

  “Yeah, I think they are.” My words seemed to upset her more than comfort her, and I had to admit, I didn’t feel comfort speaking them either.

  “Will we be okay?” She looked so sad at that moment, I would have said almost anything to make her happy, but I told her the truth.

  “Yeah, we’ll be okay. Things will just be different,” I told her and she nodded.

  As bad as it sounded, it made me feel better that she was worried about this too. I didn’t feel like such a tool. I wasn’t necessarily happy that she was upset and worried, but at least we were on the same page.

  “I guess we have to grow up some time, huh?” She gave me a small smile, which I returned with a shrug.

  I just hoped growing up didn’t mean growing apart completely. I could handle us both dating, but I couldn’t handle that.

  in english lit, we had been paired up for a creative writing assignment. Erica and I were partners, naturally, and were slowly g
etting our short story together. I felt like our professor just wanted an easy day, because it reminded me of an assignment I would have had to do in high school. Who was I to judge? Besides, it gave me and Erica time to socialize since it didn’t take us long to get through most of it.

  “What time are you heading home tonight?” I asked Erica without looking away from my laptop. I needed to at least pretend to be working on the assignment.

  “Probably when you get off work. We can walk home together.” I looked over to see her doodling in her notebook.

  “Wanna go to Marcus’ with me tonight?” She looked up as I spoke that time, gauging my expression, I’d say.

  I hadn’t told her much about my day with Marcus yesterday, but she knew we made up, so to speak. I also told her about Amy. She was as shocked as I was, considering neither of us had a clue he was that into her. Erica was anxious to meet her too, though she didn’t say as much out loud.

  “Yeah, sure. Is he gonna work late though? Because we have that Bio test in the morning.” Crap. I’d forgotten about that.

  “We won’t be there too late, I don’t think. I need to study too.” I sighed as I turned completely away from my laptop to face her. “He wants me to meet Amy tonight. Chad will be there too.”

  “Oh, I see.” She nodded, giving me her full attention again. “Are you nervous?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know. It’s weird, right?” I bit my lip and drummed my fingers along my keyboard, making random letters appear on the screen.

  “Kinda, I guess.” She shrugged. “It needs to happen though, doesn’t it?”

  “Yeah. I’m gonna ask Justin to come along tonight too when I see him at the café.”

  “This could get interesting, couldn’t it?” she said with a grin, which just made me groan.

  “I don’t like how my misery excites you.”

  “Hey, Justin is a good guy, and I’m sure Amy is nice too. You will all get along and learn to get over the awkwardness.”

  “I wish I could be so sure.” I turned back to my laptop and let out a deep breath.