It's Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens: Enjoying the Fruits of Middle Age

by Martha O. Bolton

  Then there’s the stove. How many families have gathered around a skillet engulfed in flames, trying to put out the fire before the neighbors see the smoke and call the fire department again? Nothing bonds a family quite like standing around a roaring grease fire on a cold winter’s day.

  There’s the counter space, too. When I (Phil) built our house, my wife and I had a few extra feet of kitchen counter added so all five of us could make sandwiches simultaneously. This saves time in the morning and puts me close enough to sneak an extra slice of turkey meat off my wife’s sandwich when she’s not looking.

  And finally there’s the table. It may provide comfortable seating, or the chairs may be crammed in so tightly, no one can leave the dinner table early even if they were excused. How many family discussions, announcements, debates, arguments (‘‘He’s looking at me!’’ ‘‘Am not!’’ ‘‘Are too!’’), overeating, and even napping have taken place around the dinner table? It’s the gathering place to beat all gathering places.

  Whether it’s breakfast, lunch, brunch, dinner, or a Thanksgiving or Christmas feast, being together in the kitchen is about as good as it gets. Few things can silence teenagers more quickly than food. And few things can bring a family together faster than a feast. And we haven’t even mentioned all the fun food fights yet.

  I (Martha) have another sign on my fridge: ‘‘Home is Where the Heartburn Is.’’ I was referring to my cooking when I wrote that, but sadly there is a lot of heartburn going on in families today because of stress. We’ve discovered that one of the leading joy-killers is stress. Our homes can be the most stress-filled places on earth, as we dash to appointments, grabbing half-made sandwiches or half-baked muffins with scarcely a nod left over for one another. In the midst of busy times, here are three items to place on your menu, three suggestions to help you de-stress your kitchen and bring back the joy.

  Pray together. There are five more items on my (Phil’s) fridge, more precious than any fridge magnets. They are photos of our adopted children, the children we sponsor with the wonderful organization Compassion. Their names are Carlos, Joel, Dariani, Habtamua, and Ndagirijwe.1 We try to pray for them before every meal. Each of these five lives in a country where food is scarce. Praying for those who are less fortunate helps us remember how much we have to be grateful for, and it is a definite cure for complaints about the leftover tuna salad.

  Linger longer. One of the best ways to keep your children or guests at the table longer is to fill their mouths with things they can’t resist.2 And nothing works better than dessert. Time spent over dessert or hot tea and coffee is invaluable in building relationships, and you can make it work for just about any age group. So whenever possible, have dessert. Stop after six helpings.

  Ignore the dishwasher. Few inventions (besides the remote control) have pleased us more than the dishwasher, but recently in the Callaway house something strange began to happen. Our water got weird on us. The glasses came out murky at best, caked in white. We called the experts, who told us it had something to do with the water treatment plant, and they were working on it. In the meantime we began washing dishes by hand. Our children hardly knew this could be done. But a strange thing began to happen. We started talking while doing dishes. Actually communicating. Do you remember what that used to be like? I taught my daughter the fine art of snapping towels on her brothers’ hindquarters. I taught her how to run really fast down the hall and lock the bathroom door behind her, before he could retaliate. We hadn’t heard this much laughing and screaming since the time my dad fell out of that chair laughing.

  One of the surest ways to bring back the joy is to center on building healthy relationships. And one of the surest signs of a healthy family is the joy and peace and noise and laughter found in the heart of the house: the kitchen.

  We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

  Alfred E. Newman

  1Thankfully, you don’t have to know how to pronounce someone’s name in order to love them.

  2Things like your Grandma’s fruitcake that are so heavy to digest they can’t get up for a while.

  Laughing Matters

  The most wasted of all days is

  that on which one has not laughed.

  Nicolas-Sebastien Chamfort

  We received a letter the other day from a lady we shall call Priscilla, because that is her name. She writes,

  My home is full of tension and absent of laughter. I’ve wanted to move to a funnier house, but I think the problem is within me. Could you tell me what you find to laugh about? My husband likes blonde jokes and other juvenile humor and, like many boys his age (he’s forty-two), he thinks gas is funny. I don’t understand his sense of humor, though I will laugh hysterically whenever he does something and ends up injured. Other than that, we don’t laugh at all. What would you recommend?

  We decided to surprise Priscilla with a phone call. This is a portion of the transcript. (We could only write so fast):

  Priscilla: Hello?

  Phil: I understand you haven’t laughed in a while.

  Priscilla: Who’s this?

  Phil: Phil. Phil Callaway.

  Martha: And Martha Bolton. You wrote to us?

  Priscilla: Are you Aunt Bessie’s kids?

  Phil: No. We’re writers.

  Priscilla: In the rodeo?

  Martha: Writers. Not riders.

  Phil: So, is it true, you’re having a hard time laughing?

  Priscilla: I haven’t laughed since 1974.

  Phil: That’s a long time to go without laughter.

  Martha: What happened in 1974?

  Priscilla: Someone asked me if I knew why the chicken crossed the road.

  Phil: And what’d you say?

  Priscilla: I’m still thinking.

  Phil: Maybe you can find some humor in your work. What do you do?

  Priscilla: I’m a mortician.

  Martha: Not a lot of laughs there.

  Priscilla: It’s impossible, isn’t it? I’m a hopeless case.

  Phil: First of all, you need to understand that laughter is a physiological response to humor. Laughter modifies neuroendocrine components experienced during stress. Psychoneuroimmunology explores the links between laughter and the immune system, and it is now discovering that mirth may actually attenuate levels of epinephrine and cortisol!

  Priscilla: Say what?

  Martha: What he’s trying to say is that laughter is better than bran flakes.

  Phil: Solomon knew that thousands of years ago.

  Priscilla: They had bran flakes back then?

  Martha: Did you know that during a laugh, fifteen facial muscles contract?

  Priscilla: I didn’t know that.

  Phil: And a hearty laugh burns up thirty-five calories?

  Priscilla: That sounds great. But where can I find good things to laugh about? I’ve tried comedy clubs. They can be crude. And there’s usually a cover charge.

  Phil: Find the funny in the ordinary. Hang out with people who like to laugh. Start noticing the things kids say and the things dogs do. Watch funny movies.

  Martha: The biggest enemy of joy is worry. Those who can’t laugh are usually filled with fear and anxiety.

  Phil: Give your problems to God on a moment-by-moment basis.

  Priscilla: Okay, I’ll try that. Is there anything else I can do?

  Phil: Think of your fridge.

  Priscilla: Huh?

  Phil: When you put moldy cheese into your fridge and leave it there for three weeks, it won’t come out new and improved. Trust me, I’ve tried it. It’s the same thing with our minds. Feed your mind on positive thoughts. Read the book of Philippians in the Bible.

  Dwell on things that are true and honorable and pure and lovely, and the outcome will be surprising.

  Priscilla: And that’ll help get my sense of humor back?

  Martha: We guarantee it.

  Phil: Do these three thin
gs and it will make all the difference. Look inside, and let go. Look around you, and get involved. Then look up, and rejoice.

  Martha: Just don’t look up as you’re stepping over an open manhole. Phil: We hope this has been a help, Priscilla.

  Priscilla: I think it has.

  Phil: We called collect, you know.

  Priscilla: Of course.

  Phil: That’s how we keep from worrying over phone bills and losing our joy. We call everyone we know collect.

  Martha: And it works. We guarantee it!

  Phil: Now put your husband on the line; we’ll see what we can do for him.

  Magnetic Joy

  We’ve already told you that we love fridge magnets. Magnets help draw two surfaces together. And magnetic joy can draw people together. Surely one of the most powerful magnets in our relationships is joy. In Psalm 126:2 we are told what happened when God freed the captives. ‘‘Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, ‘The Lord has done great things for them.’’’ We hope you’ll experience a little of that joy in your life. Better yet, we hope you’ll spread it around.

  The kind of humor I like is the kind that makes me laugh

  for five seconds and think for ten minutes.

  William Davis

  The Funny-Bone Quiz

  Never eat more than you can lift.

  Miss Piggy

  Many of us take the time to routinely check our automobiles to make sure various parts haven’t fallen off without our noticing them. Many of us get a complete physical on our bodies every year to make sure of the same thing. We do everything we can to keep up with the maintenance on our homes, our computers, our lawns, and our bodies. But do we ever think twice about what kind of condition our sense of humor might be in? Do we take the time necessary to make sure our laughter equipment is in good working order?

  To figure out your FBQ (Funny Bone Quotient) and to make sure it is in prime working order, please answer the following questions to the best of your ability:

  1. One morning on your way to work, you slip and fall on an icy sidewalk.1 Do you:

  a. Use words that would take a whole bar of Ivory soap to wash out.

  b. Sue the city, all its employees, the employees’ relatives, and anyone who saw you wipe out.

  c. Tell the three teenage girls who are laughing at you that you meant to fall; it felt good, and it’s part of your exercise program, and you just might do it again because it was so much fun.

  2. Which of the following statements best describes you:

  a. I believe laughter should be used for medicinal purposes only.

  b. When I hear others laughing, I want to put fiberglass insulation in their pajamas.

  c. When I hear laughter, I want to know what’s causing it, and I will find a way to join in.

  3. The server accidentally spills a drink on you while you are eating at a restaurant. Do you:

  a. Demand to see the manager at once.

  b. Pelt the server with ketchup and sugar packages.

  c. Do your best to laugh it off.

  4. Your car unexpectedly did a 180-degree turn on a snowy highway and came to rest in the ditch. Everyone is fine, but your pride is wounded. Do you:

  a. Scream loudly for thirty seconds (it’s your way of gaining your composure).

  b. Call the snowplow guy and demand an apology.

  c. Change careers and become a stuntman.

  5. A driver’s impatient horn blast startles you while you are in the middle of a crosswalk. You:

  a. Talk to him with hand signals.

  b. Kick his bumper and dent his grill.

  c. Fake a heart attack and collapse in front of his car. Then laugh and walk away.

  6. You just ran across a crowded restaurant to hug an old friend, only to discover it wasn’t your old friend. You:

  a. Run to the washroom and cry over the embarrassment of it all.

  b. Insist that you are an old friend and that they are probably senile.

  c. Say, ‘‘I was just kidding. Now, may I take your order?’’

  7. You are awakened from a deep sleep by a phone call. It’s an old friend passing through town who has decided to say hello. You:

  a. Say, ‘‘You have reached my answering machine, please leave a message.’’

  b. Blow a shrill whistle into the phone.

  c. Ask if they are on Zimbabwe National Time and laugh heartily together.

  8. You have been asleep in the backseat while your spouse drives through the night. Your spouse stops to use a rest room at a truck stop. You wake up and decide to, as well. When you return the car is gone. Your spouse is now five miles away, keeping the radio on low so as not to wake you, thinking you are still sound asleep in the back. You will:

  a. Conspire, collude, contrive, and cook up all sorts of retaliatory things to do to your dearly beloved.

  b. Tell anyone who will listen how terrible it is to be you.

  c. Tell the gas station clerk to expect a call, pray your spouse didn’t do it on purpose, and wash windshields while you wait.

  9. Your flight has been delayed two hours. You:

  a. Let everyone at the gate know how unimpressed you are.

  b. Fuss, fume, gripe, moan, mutter, and bellyache. With a side order of carp, grouse, stew, beef, and whine.

  c. Won’t be thrilled, but what can you do? So you call a friend in the area, read a good book, or spread some cheer. Looks like these people could use it.

  10. When people look at the way I live my life, they are learning . . .

  a. Not to trust others. Everyone’s a suspect.

  b. That the fruit of the Spirit is frown, scowl, grimace, glower, sulk, and wince.

  c. That those who laugh lots grow old with all their wrinkles in the right places.

  Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans:

  it’s lovely to be silly at the right moment.

  Horace

  1If you live in Hawaii, you slip and fall in the hot sand.

  PART TWO

  Smelly Cheese

  (I Could Cope With the World If It Wasn’t for the People)

  I like long walks, especially when

  they are taken by people who annoy me.

  Fred Allen

  People are like food. If left to their own devices, they can get a little rotten. We’ve met a few who fit this description, and we imagine you have, too. According to the experts, people are the leading cause of people problems. And according to us, people problems can play a leading role in keeping us stuck in the cold places of life. We will refrain from naming names in this section, because we’ve been at fault, too. As difficult as it is for us to admit, sometimes the problem lies within us. Oh, we may not be 100 percent at fault. Maybe it’s more like 50–50. Or 70–30. Or 90–10. Whether we bear any blame or not, the simple truth is that there are people in this world who love to raid other people’s refrigerators and steal their joy. Maybe it’s because theirs is so empty. Whatever the reason behind their actions, you still have to know how to deal with them. If one of the best gifts you can give yourself is a friend, here’s a little advice (and a bit of humor) on keeping your friendships intact and making peace—as much as possible—with your enemies.

  Cold As Ice

  Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap.

  Anonymous

  Ever wonder what the world would be like if the only people living in it were you, those family members you enjoy, and your closest friends? Maybe you’d even allow some people from your work or church, and a few nice people in your neighborhood, to reside here, too—if they behaved themselves and lived by your rules. Wouldn’t that be great? Everyone in the world would be people you like. That is, until the first disagreement. Then one half would side with someone else, and the better half would side with you, and before you knew it, you’d be wishing the only people left on earth were the ones on your side. Then that half would have a disagreement a
nd split again, and you’d be wishing the only people left in the world would be your half of the original half. Then they’d divide again. And again. And again, until you’d be the last one left, and by that point, you may not even agree with yourself! Reminds us of the familiar story of the man marooned on a desert island all alone for twenty years. When his rescuers finally found him, they noticed three buildings and asked what they were. The marooned man explained that the first was his house. The second was his church. ‘‘What’s that third one way back there?’’ someone asked. ‘‘Oh,’’ he replied, ‘‘that’s the church I used to go to.’’

  Like it or not, the world is made up of people. Wonderful, flawed, pushy, passive, irritating, friendly, difficult, congenial, discouraging, uplifting, selfish, generous, mistake-prone people. And sometimes, we’re all a little bit of all of that. We’re sometimes clueless, sometimes brilliant, sometimes hurtful, sometimes caring, sometimes giving, sometimes taking, sometimes vengeful, and sometimes forgiving.

  We can’t get away from the simple fact that we are imperfect creatures in an imperfect world. And if we think we don’t have flaws, there are plenty of people in our lives who would be more than happy to point those flaws out to us.

  Sometimes, though, when we’re trying our best to live at peace with those around us, we encounter those who seem to be working just as hard to rob us of our happiness. These joy thieves buried their sense of humor years ago, and they’re not content until they’ve buried whatever shred of joy they find in the lives of others. From short-tempered sales clerks to annoying drivers to just plain mean, nasty, and spiteful people, we have all had to face these creatures throughout our day, and the encounter is never easy. That’s why we decided to include a little advice on how to deal with the bullies, the incompetent, the irritating, the frustrating, the unfriendly, the unforgiving, the difficult, the self-righteous, and perhaps even an enemy or two.