It's Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens: Enjoying the Fruits of Middle Age

by Martha O. Bolton

  I didn’t attend the funeral,

  but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

  Mark Twain

  Is This the Party

  to Whom I’m Speaking?

  Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

  John F. Kennedy

  We can’t talk about difficult people and not mention telemarketers. Sometimes a polite ‘‘no thank you’’ and a click is sufficient, but dealing with an aggressive telemarketer is like trying to shut off a fire hose with clothespins. Getting your phone number put on the Do Not Call list will help some, but one can still slip through the cracks from time to time—just when you’re about to step into the shower. That’s why we feel it’s necessary to provide you with some handy responses for the next time one of these life intruders calls.

  Top Ten Responses to a Telemarketer

  1. ‘‘Here, talk to my two-year-old.’’

  2. ‘‘You’d like to speak with my husband? He died in a unicycle accident just this morning. He collided with an oncoming bear in a tutu. It’s a risk of circus life. I’m so glad you called. I have no one else to talk to about it . . .’’

  3. ‘‘Magazine subscriptions? I’ll take them all! But first, I have something I want to sell you, too! Have you heard of Amway?’’

  4. ‘‘Harry! Is that you? I can’t believe it! Marge, come in here quick, it’s Harry! See, I told you he was alive!’’

  5. ‘‘Are you from the dating service? Me and my four kids are free Saturday and we’d love to go to Disneyland!’’

  6. ‘‘Is this about the money you owe me?’’

  7. ‘‘Grandma! It’s for you, and don’t talk for two hours like you did last time.’’

  8. ‘‘Telephone solicitors’ fraud department. Can I help you?’’

  9. ‘‘Kids! Daddy’s back! Come say hi!’’

  10. ‘‘I’m going to have to put you on hold . . .’’ (Then go on vacation.)

  Never explain—your friends do not need it

  and your enemies will not believe you anyway.

  Elbert Hubbard

  The Trouble With Pharisees

  I wanted to do something nice, so I bought

  my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in.

  Henny Youngman

  If you’ve ever stepped foot inside a church,1 (and we hope you have), you’ve no doubt heard the song ‘‘Amazing Grace.’’ Written around 1772, it is very likely the world’s most beloved hymn. I (Phil) heard the Eagles play an instrumental version of it once before seventeen thousand people, and most of the seventeen thousand were singing along.2 Sometimes you run into people, however, who want to give the song a rewrite. They want to sing, ‘‘Selective Grace how sweet the sound that won’t save a wretch like that guy.’’ Jesus ran into them, too. They were called Pharisees.

  Pharisees point to the wrong. Jesus points to the redemption. Pharisees remind others of their sins while overlooking their own. Jesus forgives and erases all sins that are repented of, then remembers them no more. It’s not divine amnesia; it’s his choice. He loves us so much that he doesn’t even know what we’re talking about if we bring those sins up again. As Corrie ten Boom said, ‘‘God throws our sins into the deepest sea and puts up a sign: ‘No Fishing!’’’

  Sadly, Pharisees are those who go fishing for other people’s sins while playing catch-and-release with their own. When an angry mob was about to stone an adulteress who was caught in the very act, what did Jesus do? Condemn her? No. He bent down and began writing words in the sand, words that convicted the hearts of those holding the stones. Perhaps the words were pride, greed, lying, bearing false witness, coveting, taking the Lord’s name in vain, hatred, bitterness, jealousy, fornication, unforgiveness, self-righteousness, self-centeredness, or any number of other sins. There might have even been a few other adulterers there in the crowd, rock in hand, ready to pitch it at the accused. We’re not sure what the exact words were that Jesus wrote, but those words certainly brought conviction to their hearts. Maybe he was more specific. Maybe he started writing their names and then listed their failures. If he got that specific, it wouldn’t have taken long for the rest of the crowd to start dropping their stones and leaving the scene before he got to them.

  Then Jesus said, ‘‘He that is without sin cast the first stone.’’ Wouldn’t you like to have been in the crowd, watching their faces? Jesus’ words, both the spoken ones and the ones written in sand, must have pricked some pretty self-righteous consciences, because soon the woman was standing all alone. We would have walked away, too, because his mercy holds a mirror to our lives. In this mirror we see our own selfishness. His grace forces us to see our own need for grace. And it’s not always a pretty picture.

  Aren’t you glad that the gospel isn’t about selective grace? It’s about amazing grace. And that grace is available to each one of us, not just those pointing their fingers at others. Whether the rock throwers want to hear it or not, it’s true. God’s grace is amazing. And it’s for each one of us, no matter how small and insignificant our own sins look in our eyes. According to the Law, we’re all worthy of a stoning. God offers us what we don’t deserve: mercy and grace.

  The weak can never forgive.

  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

  Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

  It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

  Theodore Roosevelt

  1And taken the rest of your body with you.

  2At least, those who weren’t sitting near the speakers and still had their hearing.

  Enemies:

  What Would We Do Without Them?

  We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.

  Martin Luther King Jr.

  Do you have any enemies? People who are like food allergies, and every time you get close to them you break out in hives? People you can’t really tar and feather but sometimes find yourself wondering what they would look like stuck in the gooey mess? We’re not talking about the occasional rude clerk who won’t bag your groceries or that driver who cut you off on the freeway this morning while talking on her cell phone and curling her hair. We’re talking about a real enemy. Someone who seems to celebrate when something goes wrong in your life. People who would like nothing more than to see you fail, because it makes them feel better about themselves or their own shortcomings.

  If it’s any consolation, most people who have ever tried to do any good in life will have had an enemy. Some, like many of the prophets in the Bible, end up having a whole army of them. Sometimes, as was the case with brothers Cain and Abel, the enemy is a family member. Cain was jealous that God had been pleased with his brother’s sacrifice and not with his. He could have examined the reasons God was displeased with him and repented, but instead he decided to kill his brother.

  By the time Joseph came along some years later, jealousy still had not gone out of style. Joseph’s brothers were envious because Joseph was Daddy’s favorite, so they plotted to kill him but then decided to make a little cash instead by selling him into slavery. King Saul was jealous of David, choosing animosity over friendship, even though David tried his hardest to be friends. David’s own son Absalom staged a mutiny against his father with tragic results. And the list goes on. Throughout the Bible, there are plenty of accounts of good people who, sometimes for no appar
ent reason at all, other than the fact that they were doing good and making a difference, had to deal with enemies.

  But instead of letting an enemy get the best of you, save ‘‘the best of you’’ for those who appreciate it, and give an enemy what he or she clearly doesn’t deserve but has a shortage of in his or her life—God’s love and grace.

  Love is the only force capable of

  transforming an enemy into a friend.

  Martin Luther King Jr.

  ‘‘Blessing’’ Those Who Curse You

  The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation

  but not the power of speech.

  George Bernard Shaw

  It was Jesus who told us to ‘‘bless those who curse you.’’ On the surface, it seems impossible. But you can do it. The key is to be just a little creative. Remember the czar’s blessing that was given in Fiddler on the Roof? ‘‘God bless the czar . . . and keep him . . . very far away.’’ Here are some other ‘‘blessings’’ that we hope will make you smile before we try our best to get serious again:

  May your children be blessed with musical giftedness. On the drums, tuba, and bagpipes.

  May your mailbox be filled with weekly greetings. From the tax service.

  May your children arise and call you. Collect.

  May your stereo play CDs loud and clear. But only ones by Barry Manilow.

  May you receive news of a large inheritance. May it be a peacock farm.

  May you and your spouse receive two letters of good news on the same day: a letter notifying you that your social security retirement benefits will begin immediately and another letting you know your pregnancy test was positive.

  May your neighbors on each side of your new house share your enthusiasm for Harleys. May they be in opposing gangs.

  May you develop an unwholesome obsession for eating garlic by the fistful.

  May your child be a novelist. And write about you.

  Come on, admit it, it was fun thinking about these things for a moment, wasn’t it? But we both know that these aren’t the kinds of blessings Jesus was referring to. In fact, his command ‘‘Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you’’ (Luke 6:27) may be one of the most difficult commandments in history. What? Love my enemies? Surely you’re kidding. But Jesus wasn’t. His death was proof. He forgave them. His words are liberating. Following his commands is not always easiest, but it is always best.

  Thankfully, most of us don’t have a long list of enemies or people who love to hate us. But if we’re looking for those who irritate us, we won’t have to look far.

  Right now I (Phil) am seated at gate C-37 of an airport waiting for a delayed flight. A lady five seats away from me is talking loudly into her cell phone. She is telling her child, who must be studying for an exam (and the forty-seven others seated at this gate), the meaning of words like blurt, fatigued, and ambidextrous. I would like to blurt something about the meaning of the word rude, but I am fatigued. And the more fatigued I grow, the more I am aware of how easily I am irritated these days. My list is long and irritating, but here are just a few of the things that are really starting to annoy me:

  I am tired of people who use their luggage to take up three seats at the gate in airports.

  I am tired of people who leave grocery carts in parking stalls or straddle the yellow line when they park.

  I am tired of children who leave their science project until ten o’clock the night before the Science Fair and expect me to have enough household supplies to help them make something clever.

  When I finally make it onto the plane, guess who is seated next to me? You’re right. The cell phone walking-dictionary lady. To make matters worse, she is traveling with a cat, and the cat’s name is Sweetie. He is in a little kennel at her feet, and he is not happy about it. The stewardess arrives and, bending down, informs Mrs. Dictionary of two rules. First of all, she says, ‘‘Do not take the cat out of the bag for any reason.’’ This is good. I’m all for this rule. The second is way funnier. ‘‘There is an extra oxygen mask on this row,’’ says the stewardess. I couldn’t believe it. The extra mask is for the cat!1 ‘‘In the event of a loss of cabin pressure,’’ says the stewardess with a straight face, ‘‘please affix your own oxygen mask first before helping the cat with his.’’

  I cannot help myself. I begin laughing out loud. ‘‘It would almost be worth crashing to see you try to put an oxygen mask on a cat,’’ I tell the cat lady. She laughs as if it’s the funniest joke she’s heard in years. And for the rest of the flight we are friends. All I can smell is cat food, but I have learned once again that laughter is the shortest distance between two people. The cat even seems happier.

  Any pastor or missionary will tell you that the number one problem they face has nothing to do with theological differences. It involves people problems. Here are three ideas for dealing with problem people in your life.

  1. Learn from them. The driver who cuts us off in traffic provides an excellent opportunity for us to resolve never to cut someone else off. The cranky boss who loves to chew us out shows us how not to treat others if ever we are in charge. And the person who simply refuses to be agreeable or even to agree to disagree teaches us how to adapt and move on. So send them each a thank-you note for helping you become a stronger person. Okay, maybe not. But don’t let such opportunities be wasted. Don’t let them wear you down; let them build you up instead.

  2. Pray for them. When Jesus said in Luke 6:27–31 to love your enemies, he also advised us to ‘‘pray for those who mistreat you.’’ We have both discovered the incredible power of praying for those who have wronged us. We’d tell you more about it, but they may be reading this book and know where our cars are parked.

  3. Show them grace. If we’re honest, we’ll admit that a little bit of jerk resides in us all. We all need piles of pardon and plenty of patience and a daily bath in grace. So why not extend to others the grace we would want extended to us? Some of the softest people we know have the gruffest exteriors. Beneath sandpaper personalities may be someone who needs to witness a little grace, acceptance, and forgiveness themselves so they can quit being so judgmental of others. So go ahead and, whenever possible, do your best to wage peace.

  Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?

  Abraham Lincoln

  He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend;

  provided, of course, he really is dead.

  Voltaire

  1I do not know to this day if this is an inside stewardess joke. It took them a while to bring our drinks, so I bet they locked themselves in the cockpit to laugh about it.

  Unfaithful Friends

  A true friend is one who overlooks

  your failures and tolerates your successes.

  Doug Larson

  It is in the character of very few men

  to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.

  Aeschylus

  Friends. When you find good ones, they’re worth their weight in gold. As the old saying goes, ‘‘Friends know you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.’’ Friends will stay by your side when everyone else runs away, or cheer for your successes and weep for your disappointments and hurts. Friends will watch your back when you don’t even know there are incoming arrows. Friends know you better than you know yourself. Friends will laugh with you and let you grow. Friends will let you know when you’re emotionally stuck over a hurtful situation or relationship. Friends won’t let you fail or get off track. Friends will encourage you and let you vent. Friends will pray with you. Friends will join you in blowing your diet, then help you get back on it! Friends will let you doubt. Friends will feel your pain. Friends will remind you of your worth every time you forget it. And there are those really close friends who will tell us when there’s mustard on our chin.

  So how do you know the difference between a good friend and a bad friend?

  Desirable Friend Undesirable Friend
>
  Invites you to dinner. Invites you to dinner . . . at a different restaurant than where he’s eating.

  Buys some doughnuts and shares them with you. Buys some doughnuts and shares them with you. He eats the doughnuts, you get the box.

  Sends you a birthday card. Sends you a belated birthday card that lists old songs you’ll be able to identify with now . . .

  B. J. Thomas—‘‘Hair Plugs Keep Fallin’ Off My Head’’

  Roberta Flack—‘‘The First Time Ever I Slipped a Disc’’

  Johnny Nash—‘‘I Can See Double Now’’

  Celine Dion—‘‘My Heart Will Skip On’’

  Adriana Caselotti—‘‘Someday My Gout Will Come’’

  The Bee Gees—‘‘Saturday Night Nightsweats’’

  The Fortunes—‘‘Here Comes That Rainy Day Stiffness Again’’

  Blue Swede—‘‘Hooked On an IV’’

  Paul Simon—‘‘Fifty Ways to Lose Your Dentures’’

  Leo Sayer—‘‘You Make Me Feel Like Napping’’

  Apologizes for letting months go by without speaking to you. Time just got away from him. Apologizes for not speaking to you for months. He says, “I didn’t want to interrupt you.’’

  Sees you’re depressed and cheers you up. Sees you are about to jump off a cliff and runs after you, yelling, “Wait! Since you’re obviously going to be busy for a while, mind if I borrow your car?’’

  Hears someone gossiping about you and defends you. Not only lets you sizzle on the gossip rotisserie, but offers to turn you every so often so you’ll broil more evenly.

  Gives you their shoulder to lean on. Gives you their shoulder to lean on . . . because it’s easier to get you in a headlock that way.

  One of the side benefits of living long enough is that we will probably experience rejection by someone we thought to be a friend. When I (Phil) was a kid, even my imaginary friend dropped me! But it’s no laughing matter. Rejection can take years to overcome. What we have both experienced is that forgiveness is a daily choice (and sometimes minute by minute). We have also learned that when thoughts of tarring and feathering come to mind, one thing will make all the difference. If we take those thoughts that are inward and outward and turn them upward, we will be changed for the better.