It's Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens: Enjoying the Fruits of Middle Age

by Martha O. Bolton

  You are the most faithful parent on your daughter’s basketball team. You attend every one of the games and even the practices. But the entire season she only sits on the bench while the less faithful are put in the games simply because they’re better players. Or they’re the coach’s kids.

  You’ve worked hard year after year in the same job, only to watch a lazy co-worker get promoted.

  A loved one is diagnosed with a serious illness in the same year that your car gets repossessed and the bank forecloses on your house. Then you get a call from your boss that the company is downsizing and they’re laying you off.

  You don’t get invited to the party of the year, even though everyone else you know does.

  Someone lies about you.

  Hurtful, unfair situations. In fact, that’s what makes them so painful. The fact is that you don’t deserve any of it.

  But we can’t talk about life’s fairness without looking at the flip side of the coin. Sometimes good things do happen to good people. Even on the golf course.

  Gene Perret, a fellow writer and good friend, once told Martha, ‘‘It’s like my golf: sometimes I’ll hit a poor shot that slams into a house along the course, bounces off the roof and back onto the course, hits a metal sprinkler head and pops way up in the air, lands in a tree and skids down one of the branches, landing on the paved cart path, rolls down the hills, falls off the cart path, and trickles onto the green about six feet from the hole. I accept that. But when I miss the putt by two inches, I complain that life isn’t fair.’’

  Whether or not we play golf, we can all identify, can’t we? When life’s unfair and it hurts us, we hate it. When life’s unfair and it’s to our advantage, we’re loving it. So the next time we begin to complain, perhaps it will help to remember a few of the undeserved blessings that have come our way, too.

  The guy writing a note for your windshield not only leaves you his phone number but says he noticed the For Sale sign on your car and will give you five hundred dollars above the price you had in mind.

  You win a contest you didn’t even enter. A friend filled out the entry card for you.

  Your son is daydreaming in left field, staring at his glove, when a deep fly ball miraculously lands in it, ending the game and giving your son’s team the win.

  Your old car makes it another fifty thousand miles.

  Someone gives you their perfectly good refrigerator simply because they’re buying a new one.

  Your car comes to a screeching stop four inches from the car in front of you, the one you had been following too closely for the last twenty miles.

  The IRS made a mistake. They actually owe you money.

  No one invited you to the party because they are all coming to your house for a surprise party in your honor! And they are bringing the pizza.

  One of the most glorious truths in all of Scripture is this: We don’t get what we deserve. How thankful we should be that God is not fair. If he were, we’d all be in a heap of trouble. Even the self-righteous who think their failures aren’t as bad as anyone else’s. Especially the self-righteous. The Bible teaches that the wages of sin is death. If eternal life were ‘‘fair,’’ if it were a reward based on our good qualities and the abundance of our good works, no one would ever see heaven.

  So next time you’re tempted to observe that life is not fair, remember to thank God that we don’t get what we deserve. We get something far better.

  God saved you by his special favor when you believed.

  And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.

  Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done,

  so none of us can boast about it.

  Ephesians 2:8–9 NLT

  I prayed this morning, but I didn’t pray to win.

  I just thanked God to be alive. You know, the everyday stuff.

  I’ve never prayed to win a tournament. I don’t think that

  would be fair. Why should he show partiality toward me?

  Rev. Walter Jessup,

  after winning his second straight clergyman’s golf tournament

  1Even now that we’re all on diets, we still might do it, only we’re not as indignant over who gets the biggest carrot.

  2It’s a 527-yard par five. Golfers like to know these things.

  3This is another golfing term, which means that your hopes are about to be dashed.

  The Best News Yet

  Reflect upon your present blessings,

  of which every man has plenty; not on your

  past misfortunes of which all men have some.

  Charles Dickens

  I (Phil) visited a barbershop recently. My daughter asked me why. ‘‘There’s nothing happening up there, Dad’’ is how she put it. ‘‘There’s a recession going on right on top of your head.’’ Teenagers. They get a little older and they won’t know so much. I smiled at her. And cut her out of the will.

  When I arrived at the barbershop, the hairdresser walked around my head once or twice, then squinted uncomfortably at me. I watched the ordeal in the mirror.

  She said, ‘‘Um . . . do you have a part?’’

  I said, ‘‘Yes, it starts at my left ear and goes to my right.’’

  She was still squinting. She said, ‘‘Would you like me to dye it?’’

  I said, ‘‘No, you look fine to me, you don’t need to lose a pound.’’

  The squint vanished and she smiled, then chuckled softly.

  ‘‘Just a little off the top,’’ I coached her.

  It was her turn. ‘‘That’s all you have,’’ she said.

  Did you ever have a haircut you wished you could get a refund on? In Oregon a mother recently threatened to sue the West Linn-Wilsonville school district because her eight-year-old boy returned home one day with ‘‘next to nothing’’ on his head. An employee had cut the boy’s hair without permission. The mother said she tried to keep her son’s hair looking neat but ‘‘there was one stinking day, and I’m not lying, that I didn’t brush his hair.’’ The district’s insurance company paid a ten thousand dollar settlement.

  I remember some really bad haircuts when I was a boy. My father used to start on one side of my head, then walk around to the other side and, relying on memory, try to even it up. I ended up wearing a hat for two weeks. Then my father would cut it again.

  They say that the difference between a good haircut and a bad one is about two weeks. But surgery is another matter. Most major surgeries don’t allow you to go back and fix something. And you can’t just put on a hat and make the pain go away. My older brother Dan went through the horrible ordeal of a detached retina recently.1 Just before the operation, a nurse leaned over and said, ‘‘It’s your left eye, right?’’ Dan was stunned. It was his right eye. He knew this absolutely for sure. The nurse frowned and squinted at a computer printout. ‘‘It says here it’s your left eye.’’

  ‘‘No, it’s not,’’ said Dan, ‘‘I can see fine with my left eye; please don’t operate on it.’’

  Of course, we’re able to laugh a little later about such things. But what about when the news is the worst possible? When a trip to the doctor changes everything we’ve taken for granted? While speaking at a banquet, I sat next to Ed, an oil executive, who told me his amazing story. One year earlier he sat in his doctor’s office listening but unable to process the doctor’s horrible words. At the age of forty-nine, he had colon cancer. The shock had only begun to set in as the doctor explained it to Ed’s wife. ‘‘The cancer is very advanced. I’ve seen other cases like this, and it’s highly unlikely that your husband’s body can fight it more than six months. We’ll do all we can to help him, but he had better get his affairs in order. I’m so sorry.’’

  After a sleepless night, Ed called his office. For the first time in seventeen years he would not be at work. His work meant everything to him; what would he do without it? He wondered how he would tell his three grown children. Though they lived nearby, they were almost strangers n
ow. And what about the grandchildren? Would they even care? Though he had his secretary mail them birthday and Christmas gifts of her choosing, he seldom saw them, and he’d never been able to get their names straight. Should I call a minister? he wondered. But church hadn’t been a part of his life since his wedding day. He hadn’t the time for it. Besides, who would he call? What would he say?

  Thankfully Ed was wrong about all his apprehensions. His children were devastated by the news of his illness. For the first time ever they saw their father reduced to tears. And they heard the words he’d never told them: ‘‘I love you.’’ That night, an old friend from college called. He’d heard the news. He was a minister. Could they go out for breakfast? How did eight o’clock sound?

  The next day after breakfast, Ed booked twelve tickets to Mexico, enough to take his children, their spouses, and all the grandchildren for two weeks. It was a Christmas like no other.

  Though the doctor had done a painful colonoscopy, leaving Ed barely able to sit on the airplane, he had the time of his life. Surrounded by family, he began to wonder where he’d been all these years. He watched them frolic in the surf. He even went hang gliding.

  ‘‘It was the best two weeks of my life,’’ he told me. ‘‘I didn’t start living until I knew I was dying.’’

  Back home he went to see his doctor. He had never been ushered into a doctor’s office so quickly. Seated behind a desk, the doctor’s face was the color of a snowball. ‘‘Ed, I don’t know how to tell you this, but we’ve made a terrible mistake. We . . . uh . . . got the files mixed up. You’re healthy as a horse.’’

  Ed couldn’t bear to hope that the doctor’s words were true. He sat still, unable to utter a word.

  Finally he said, ‘‘You’re probably wondering about a lawsuit, aren’t you?’’

  ‘‘Frankly,’’ said the doctor, ‘‘we are.’’

  Ed smiled.

  ‘‘How could I sue?’’ he asked. ‘‘You see, Doctor, I was a workaholic. The only thing I valued was money. It was all I could see. Then came your diagnosis. It changed everything. I’ve made things right with my kids. I know my grandchildren’s names now, and they know mine. I’ve made things right with God, too. I’m going to church again. I’ve never been more alive in my life. I can’t thank you enough. The worst news I ever received was also the best.’’

  Getting up from his chair, he embraced the most surprised and grateful doctor in the history of medicine. Health is a gift, to be sure, but forgiveness, and a new grasp on what’s truly important in life, is even better.

  Adversity can make us better. We must be challenged to

  improve, and adversity is the challenger.

  John Wooden

  I thank God for my handicaps for, through them, I have found

  myself, my work, and my God.

  Helen Keller

  1Complicated by the fact that the NBA playoffs were on.

  Ten Lessons Learned in the Kitchen

  1. When showing your house to a potential buyer, avoid cooking sauerkraut, fish, eggs, or brussels sprouts.

  2. If left to themselves, cats will not make a kitchen any cleaner.

  3. If left to themselves, children will not, either.

  4. When it comes to hot dogs, the less known about the preparation, the better.

  5. Leftovers will sometimes be leftover. Don’t let that stop you from disguising them in something else.

  6. Any casserole with the word surprise in the title (e.g., Tuna Surprise, Seafood Surprise, Church Potluck Surprise, or Surprise, Surprise) should be approached with caution.1

  7. When adding liver pâté to any dish, less is always better.

  8. Limburger cheese will never hear the words, ‘‘Hmmm . . . what smells so good in the kitchen?’’

  9. Your shirt is not a potholder. (A lesson learned the hard way by Martha’s sister.)

  10. And finally, always remember to make meals small enough to finish, big enough to share.

  I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port . . . we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it— but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor.

  Oliver Wendell Holmes

  1If you’re at a potluck and you’d really like to try it, though, simply watch carefully who brought it and see if their children partake.

  Balance Keeps the Fridge Shelves

  From Collapsing

  Don’t dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

  English Proverb

  A few years ago, Men’s Fitness magazine accused the city of Houston of having a weight problem, naming it ‘‘America’s Fattest City.’’ A local bike club decided they weren’t going to take this sitting down eating Twinkies, so they came up with the idea of holding a forty-mile bike rally through the city’s downtown streets. Trouble was, registrations were slow in coming. So organizers settled on a solution: They offered participants free beer and tacos at the end of the race. We kid you not.

  Now, those of you who have ever seen a picture of us might be thinking to yourselves: Yes, America has an obesity problem and it’s widening, but what do you know about it? Your pictures look like you live on celery and rice cakes, and a few locusts.1

  First of all, for the record, we’re not really all that thin. At least, not as thin as we used to be.2 Secondly, if you consider us on the thin side, it’s not because we’re dieting. Frankly, we’re suspicious of any word that begins with die. We are also suspicious of anyone who has something against carbohydrates. Some of our best friends are carbohydrates. The main problem we’ve found with dieting is that people on a diet often lose their sense of humor. And you know how we feel about a sense of humor. There is no swimsuit in the world that is worth losing laughter just to wear it on the beach for a few hours.3

  With this in mind, we have decided to offer you some tips from the Phil and Martha School of Eating.

  1. The vitality of vegetables. We both love pumpkin pie, carrot cake, zucchini bread, and popped corn. Vanilla is technically a vegetable and should be watered down with ice cream. Chocolate comes from trees, which, if you know much about agriculture, makes it a fruit. Fruit is good for you. Chocolate-dipped strawberries are a must for any diet. M&Ms contain vitamins A, C, and E. You can check the package. Those of you who prefer real vegetables should realize that they aren’t always healthy. Have you ever choked on a piece of broccoli? Do you realize you could have died that moment if someone hadn’t brought you that brownie to push it on down with? We say let the veggies tell their tales, but if they must be on our plates, disguise them as something else.

  2. Selective studies. Be careful which studies you depend on for information. There is much contradictory information available today, and it’s difficult to know who’s telling us the truth. Which news report would you believe? The one informing us that dark chocolate contains antioxidants that can decrease blood pressure, improve circulation, stimulate our kidneys, lower our death risk from heart disease, and cause warm fuzzy feelings? Or the one that said chocolate causes depression in mice? The first one, of course. If the mice are depressed, they’re probably watching too much TV. And they need to balance their dark-chocolate diet out with a little nougat.

  We should also note that the study claiming that rhubarb sandwiches are the leading source of calcium is clearly false. Rhubarb is poison, except in a pie. Everyone knows that.4 The one about coffee causing irritability is also sheer baloney and completely fabricated! We’d really like to know who thought it up!

  When’s the last time you saw a grouch at a Starbucks? If coffee can make the people there smile while they’re paying those prices, it can’t possibly cause irritability! We have also been so horrified by what we read about the effects of eating junk food that we almost gave up reading altogether.

  3. The benefits of balance. Balance is what is needed when it comes to eating, and our idea of a balanced diet is a plate in each hand at the al
l-you-can-eat buffet.

  Few areas of our lives can be more out of balance than the way we eat. Check any bestseller list and you’ll find cookbooks there. Check that same list and you’ll find dieting books. Imagine the irony. People buying books that instruct them how not to eat what they’ve just learned to cook.

  When Jesus taught us to pray, he asked his Father for ‘‘our daily bread’’ (Luke 11:3). He did not say, ‘‘Give us this day our daily six meals complete with four courses and eight dessert choices.’’

  When we were kids, our mothers would chide us for not cleaning our plates. ‘‘There are children in Africa that would give anything to be able to eat that food,’’ they’d say, poking us with a fork, and we in our immaturity would think, So mail it to them.

  But once you’ve seen those African children, you’ll find it hard to eat even a broken cookie without thanking God for the privilege.

  Remember Jimmy Stewart’s prayer in the movie Shenandoah? ‘‘Lord, we cleared this land, we plowed it, sowed it, and harvested it. We cooked the harvest. We worked dog hard for every crumb and morsel, but we thank you just the same anyway, Lord, for this food we’re about to eat. Amen.’’ We love Jimmy and we smile at such a prayer, but we think his character could have been a little more grateful.

  Psalm 104:21 says, ‘‘The lions roar for their prey and seek their food from God.’’ We would do well to remember that the earth’s bounty and the grocery store’s abundance are impossible without the Creator’s gift of life. We are all dependent on God’s grace and provision. One of his greatest biblical acts of grace is the feeding of the Israelites during their long trek from Egyptian slavery to the Promised Land. Manna appeared daily and could not be stored, reminding God’s children of their daily dependence on him. We are dependent on God for our daily needs. And we should be thankful every time he meets them.