It's Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens: Enjoying the Fruits of Middle Age

by Martha O. Bolton

  If taking vitamins doesn’t keep you healthy enough,

  try more laughter.

  Nicolas-Sebastien Chamfort

  1The locusts are true, but only on Sundays.

  2It’s amazing what they can do with digital photography.

  3Our swimsuits often cause laughter.

  4Rhubarb farmers of the world: Don’t mail that letter, we were just kidding.

  In-Flight Misery

  If I had to choose, I would rather have birds than airplanes.

  Charles Lindbergh

  I have found out there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you

  like people or hate them than to travel with them.

  Mark Twain

  If you’ve flown anywhere lately, you know what a challenge air travel has become. If you’re running late getting to the airport, double that frustration. In most major cities, they advise you to get to the airport at least two hours in advance of your flight departure. We believe Los Angeles recommends two weeks. If your business requires you to do a lot of traveling, as does ours (it keeps us ahead of audiences wanting their money back), you know all too well that in many cases, once you board the plane, your troubles have just begun. But since this is a book about recapturing joy, we won’t spend a lot of time on the negatives of air travel. Comedian after comedian has already amply tackled this topic.

  Instead, what we want to do is provide you with a list of Ten New Ways to Look at Air Travel. Drawing from the truth that life is 3 percent what happens to you and 97 precent what you do with it, we are convinced that your air travel experiences will change if you can change how you look at them. You’ve got to open your mind and realize that maybe the airlines aren’t out to make your life miserable just for the fun of it. That’s part of it, certainly, but there may be plenty of other underlying reasons why they do what they do. Our inconvenience is a small price to pay for the rewards we will reap from looking at our next flight in the following new ways.

  Ten New Ways to Look at Air Travel

  1. Moving sidewalks.

  Have you ever been walking on an airport moving sidewalk and found yourself wondering if you were moving all that much faster than the guy with the broken leg, pulling his Samsonite behind him, while balancing a latte with his teeth? Then, when he actually pulled ahead of you, did you start asking yourself why you even got on the moving sidewalk in the first place, but now you’re trapped and can’t do a thing about it?

  The problem isn’t the sidewalk, it’s your focus. Instead of getting upset at the airlines for tricking you into stepping onto the moving sidewalk that doesn’t seem to move you any faster than the slowest passenger strolling along beside you, look at it from the airline’s point of view. Those moving sidewalks aren’t there to get you to your gate faster than those who don’t use it. They’re simply to provide entertainment for the passengers who are stuck sitting at the gates waiting for their boarding calls. What else have they got to look at? Some rerun of a news item two weeks old? The man sitting across from them eating a boiled egg? The kids fighting with each other in the seats next to them? Let’s face it, the entertainment at airports is very limited. So instead of complaining, start entertaining. Place your luggage down on the conveyor belt so that your hands will be free to wave at others as you pass by. Think of yourself as being on a parade float. Wave, sing, dance, do whatever you feel is appropriate. You might even want to juggle a few of those three-dollar airport candy bars in the air. In other words, enjoy the moment. And the opportunity to be discovered. American Idol and Nashville Star may reach millions, but who knows who might see you at an international airport. Music producers, movie directors, and even scouts for the Ringling Bros. circus all have to travel. They’re walking airport terminals every day. So do your thing and who knows, you just might have a new career awaiting you. And one day you’ll be able to say, ‘‘It all started in front of gate C-19!’’

  2. Airplane seats that don’t really recline but have a button making you think they do.

  The real reason for the uncomfortable seating on airplanes is obvious; you just have to look for it. Some think it’s to sell all those neck rests and aspirin in the airport gift shop. Or to give chiropractors the much-needed business. But the real reason is to help you with your posture. So the next time the stewardess is playing that fun little game at landing, selecting people at random to tell them to bring their seat to the full upright position, play along and hit the button, even though you know it doesn’t work. Your seat won’t move, of course, but remember what the airlines know: Good posture is important. Uncomfortable, but important. Your back will thank you.

  3. Airline blankets.

  Yes, they are rough and can cut you to shreds in minutes if you move around too much beneath them. But these airline blankets are scratchy for a perfectly legitimate reason. While you may simply be cold and not have any rashes whatsoever, for those travelers who do, those blankets are actually a service that the airlines provide. Nothing scratches an itch like an airline blanket.

  4. Individual air-conditioning controls.

  We think it’s cute how the airlines have led us to believe that we are actually controlling the cool-air flow to our individual seats. But if you’ve ever flown in the winter, you know that the cold air doesn’t stop blowing on you no matter how tightly you close your vent. Icicles will form on your beverage cup, and you’ll be begging the stewardess for a blanket, rash or not. But the airlines even have a good reason for this. The reason they make us think we can control the air flow above us is part of their fitness plan. They are helping all of us flabby-armed passengers work out those underarm muscles. On a three-hour flight, the typical passenger will do at least thirty of these arm lifts.

  5. Airplane rest rooms.

  If you’re like the rest of us, you’ve probably spent a fair amount of time wondering why the rest rooms on an airplane are so small. Have the powers that be not looked at the size of the average passenger? We are not that little, and we are certainly not getting any smaller. If we were, airplanes would be able to fly at a much higher altitude. Some of us are taller than the tallest airplane rest room, wider than the width, and we haven’t even begun to talk about claustrophobia. But believe it or not, they have a perfectly legitimate reason for small rest rooms, and it’s an ecological one, too. It saves on paper towels. Plain and simple. The airlines know there’s not enough room in there for you and a paper towel at the same time, so most passengers will simply opt for shaking out their hands a few times and air drying them with those overhead air-conditioning controls. This way, the airlines are saving money and trees. When you think about it in this manner, you will no longer be frustrated with the airlines but applaud their responsibility. This, of course, also compensates for all the money and water they waste at airport rest rooms from those toilets that automatically flush loudly (scaring you off your-seat) at least three times per visitor.

  6. Lost luggage.

  If you’ve ever had your luggage lost by an airline, you know what an inconvenience that can be. But it’s not always negligence on their part. Sometimes it’s a result of the fashion-savvy people who are present during your security check.

  ‘‘He’s not going to wear that suit to his business meeting, is he?’’

  ‘‘That dress went out of style years ago. What is she thinking? We can’t let her wear that. Tag this suitcase and lose it immediately! It’s our duty to save her from herself!’’

  They make us wait twenty-four hours or so, then give us a voucher to go out and buy some new clothes, hoping we’ll visit different shops than we did during our last fashion excursion. If we do, we end up making quite the fashion statement, the fashion police will feel like heroes, and some underdeveloped country somewhere is getting regular donations of all these confiscated clothes. That’s right, there’s probably a village in some remote area of the world where everyone’s walking around dressed like those kids in That 70’s Show. But we’re looking good!1

&nbs
p; 7. Connecting gates as far apart as possible.

  Again, this isn’t simply to make our lives miserable. It’s an exercise and physical fitness issue. You don’t know this, but every time you’re rushing to a connecting gate, you’re being timed. Olympic scouts are posted at all major airports looking for possible contenders.

  8. Airplane pillows the size of a Tic Tac.

  Sure, we’d all like larger pillows whenever we’re flying the red-eye, but think about it. Do you really want the guy next to you sleeping on a giant pillow that keeps knocking you in the face every time he tosses and turns? Of course not. Besides, if air travel was too conducive to sleep, think of all the drooling and snoring that would be going on. You’d never be able to hear the movie, much less the pilot telling you that engine three just died. The airlines are really doing us a favor by making the conditions so uncomfortable that we stay alert.

  9. Security.

  In this day and age, it goes without saying that we have to have tight security at our airports. But even this inconvenience can be looked upon with new eyes. Think of all the diseases and possible tumors they’re finding early by the increased frisking and stronger X-ray machines. Or maybe they’re causing them, we can’t tell.

  10. Airport parking.

  It’s a given that you can’t park anywhere near the airport. So don’t even bother complaining about it. Instead, think about all the exercising you’re getting by dragging your suitcases, your child’s car seat, and your jacket those three miles back to the airport. No gym on earth will give you that kind of a workout. And if it’s in the middle of a hot Florida summer, you’ll lose more water weight than from the best sauna around, and it won’t cost you a single dime!

  There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,

  but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.

  Westjet flight attendant during safety announcement

  1Earlier we mentioned the theory that the ring on Saturn is made up entirely of single socks that have no mates. Now we’re wondering if it consists of lost luggage, too.

  Driving Us Crazy

  Bumper sticker: Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go

  We both love to drive. However, we sometimes encounter drivers that make us wonder if they received their license from their state as an April Fool’s joke. We used to allow such people to stress us out whenever we encountered them on the road. But now we realize that it might not be their fault. Perhaps they did take and pass a driver’s test, but theirs may have been just a little different than the one the rest of us take. That’s why these drivers seem to be following different rules. They’re not idiots. They were just handed a different test than we were. Theirs looked something like this:

  1. Acceptable activities while driving include:

  a. Conference calls

  b. Clipping toenails and applying nail polish

  c. Reading mail

  d. All of the above, simultaneously

  2. What are the left- and right-turn signals for?

  a. To keep time with the music on your radio

  b. To help you engage in the only exercise you’ll get all day

  c. Suggested general direction of travel

  d. All of the above

  3. How long should you remain in an intersection before executing a left-hand turn?

  a. No less than two light changes

  b. Until the honking grows unbearable

  c. Until your nap is over

  d. Until the Second Coming

  4. If you hear a siren and see red or blue lights flashing behind you, this means you should immediately:

  a. Speed up and try to outrun them

  b. Stop suddenly and without warning, causing an accident; why waste a perfectly good ambulance?

  c. Smile. You’re obviously in a movie!

  d. Start playing disco music

  5. A curb painted red means:

  a. Your personal reserved parking space

  b. Someone tried to paint the town red but ran out of paint

  c. The town is getting ready for their annual running of the bulls

  d. The party is here

  6. The mirrors in your car were installed to help you:

  a. Locate your children in the backseat so you can maintain eye contact when you yell at them

  b. Blind the person tailgating you with his brights on

  c. Apply mascara while you talk on the cell phone

  d. Make silly faces at the driver behind you

  7. On the freeway, the left lane is for:

  a. Underage drivers only

  b. Tractors

  c. Tourists

  d. Underage tourists driving tractors

  8. When choosing a parking spot on Christmas Eve, it is important to:

  a. Give up any thought of finding one

  b. Borrow a handicapped sticker from a friend

  c. Get there in early November

  d. Remember what state you park in so you’ll be able to find your car after shopping

  9. If you’re running late getting to the airport, it is permissible to:

  a. Become airborne

  b. Yell things at complete strangers

  c. Cut corners at Mach 1

  d. All of the above

  10. A raccoon crosses the road directly in front of you. You should:

  a. Hit the ditch, but miss him

  b. Hit the brakes and cause a twelve-car pileup, but miss him

  c. Actually aim for the raccoon, chasing it off the road and up a tree

  d. Stop and ask it for directions

  11. A carload of teenagers driving next to you is making fun of the way you drive. You should:

  a. Speed up to thirty-five miles per hour

  b. Speed up, cut them off, and lob a bran muffin at them

  c. Challenge them to a race. Your moped can beat anything on the road!

  d. All of the above

  12. Posted speed limits are:

  a. To let trucks know how fast the cars are traveling so they can gauge their speed accordingly in order to ride their tails

  b. To be doubled and a 10 percent tithe added

  c. To help your children practice learning their numbers

  d. All of the above

  Answers: 1: d, 2: d, 3: c and d—Until your nap is over, which could also be when the Lord returns; 4: b, 5: a and d, 6: d, 7: a and d, 8: d, 9: d, 10: c, 11: d, 12: d

  After God created the world, he made man and woman. Then, to

  keep the whole thing from collapsing, he invented humor.

  Guillermo Mordillo

  ‘‘I’ll Be Right Back’’

  Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

  Elbert Hubbard

  In 2002, the news covered a story about a Massachusetts doctor who apparently abandoned his patient on the operating table while he left to go cash a check at a nearby bank. His astute reasoning told him that the bank was going to close before the operation would be over, leaving him with no other choice than to leave the patient open so he could catch the bank while it was still open. The patient, of course, was unaware of his doctor’s absence during this time, which seems grossly unfair to us. The least the doctor could have done was wake the patient up and ask if he wanted him to pick up a mocha Frappuccino for him while he was out.

  The doctor had his medical license yanked because of the incident. Apparently, you can’t slip off and do your banking while someone is waiting for you to finish their spinal fusion. It also makes you wonder how many errands your own doctor has run while you were under anesthesia. Do doctors have some sort of chart, letting them know the time frame involved and exactly what sort of things they might be able to get done while we’re under? Something along the lines of:

  Tonsillectomy? Take clothes to cleaners

  Appendectomy? Walk the dog

  Cyst removal? Get oil change in car

  Gall bladder removal? Return books to library

  Pacemaker insertion? P
ick up prescription at pharmacy

  Repair torn ligament? Get car washed

  We’re being facetious here, of course. Thankfully most doctors don’t take off while their patients are under anesthesia. They know the risks involved and are responsible. But we also know that medical care has become a source of stress for many of us, and it doesn’t help to read about situations like the banking doctor and these other actual medical records dictated by physicians:

  By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

  Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

  On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

  The patient refused an autopsy.

  The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

  In 2003, a Miami judge ordered the Veterans Administration to pay a former patient and his wife $455,000 in damages. Seems a doctor left a sixteen-by-twenty-eight-inch blue cotton surgical towel inside the unsuspecting patient. The medical team knew from CT scans that he had a ‘‘foreign object’’ in his abdomen but discharged him and didn’t tell him for three months. (Apparently, they hadn’t needed the towel until then.)

  Not only do stories like these make us a little nervous about our medical care, but insurance premiums to pay for surgeries and other medical procedures (whether your doctor is out cashing a check or not) are going through the roof. Even in countries like Canada, where there is a national health-care system, the wait and quality of care isn’t always as good as it could be. (Phil has been in a Canadian emergency room since the fourth grade waiting to have a hair trasplant.)

  For years, society has been working to improve some of our most common complaints. To help alleviate some of the workload on doctors, nursing stations and urgent care offices have now started opening up in pharmacies. That’s right, you can now go to the drugstore and see your doctor at the same time. We think this is a great idea. There’s nothing like the convenience of having your gallstones removed and being able to get them gift wrapped all in the same place.