The Petal of the Rose

by LJ Maas

  "Be that as it may, you are in this house, and you have become a sort of responsibility. Until you are healed enough to travel on your own, or until your father comes for you, you shall see me everyday, like it or not. Between you and I, Solan, I am one of the few people willing to be nice to you, so I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth."

  I moved the pitcher of water to his bed table and mixed another dose of painkiller, leaving it on the table for later.

  "Even a dog knows better than . . . to keep coming back . . . to the hand that beats them."

  "Why is it you hate me so, Solan?" I asked without warning.

  "I have my reasons," he muttered sullenly, turning his face away.

  "Perhaps you don't think a former slave good enough to be the wife of the Conqueror," I boldly added.

  He turned wounded eyes upon me then and whispered in a tight voice. "You don't know what she's really like. She'll hurt you . . . then leave you. She'll leave you on . . . on your own, Gabrielle."

  It was the first time I remembered Solan ever using my name. His statement was certainly odd, but by the time I'd processed his vocalizations, he was fast asleep. I left the room with a strange sense that perhaps it wasn't simply Solan's anger at Xena that drove his behavior. I wondered if perhaps I had unwittingly become a player in this sad tragedy.

  CHAPTER 8

  AFTER THE BATTLE ON THE FIELD OF ROUT

  "WHAT?" I WAS, QUITE abruptly, wrenched from my fantasy concerning a certain golden-haired woman.

  "Are we finished for the day, Lord Conqueror?" Antillius asked me.

  I had been hearing petitions for the better part of the afternoon. My mind was easily distracted today and I blamed it completely on the state Gabrielle left me in this morning. She has become my equal in every way, whether she realized it or not. In the bedroom, well, let's simply say that I have no fears that she will ever disappoint me there.

  This physical need was something I had never thought to feel again. I am, after all, the Conqueror. In the past, I had only to command, and I could have any woman I desired before me on her knees. Now, I not only have no desire for anyone other than Gabrielle, but she has reduced me to that of any ordinary lover. I must wait patiently for her to bestow her favors on me. No more can I simply take. Now, I must plead and wait. Gods! Didn't she realize it would be torture for me today? Especially after the condition she aroused me to this morning, only to disappear from the room before my eyes were even opened.

  I thought again of her words, the reason my mind had wandered so often today. Was she serious? She can be commanding in the bedroom, it seems it brings out all of her own power, but her words this morning smacked of control and authority. Could I even begin to go there? I smiled to myself at the thought of being dominated by the small woman. I swallowed hard as I realized that if Gabrielle wished it, she most certainly could control me in that arena. My need for her, physically and mentally, grew with each passing day. The idea of such pleasure secretly thrilled me, but I wasn't at all sure if I'd come that far yet, or ever would.

  "So, shall I tell them to return tomorrow, Lord Conqueror?" Antillius asked again.

  "What? Oh, uhm, yes... let's start fresh in the morning." I answered.

  It was late afternoon and our private rooms were empty. I assumed Gabrielle was still with Solan. I made my way to the young man's rooms, but I stood at the door for the longest time. I wasn't sure if I should knock, or walk right in. I compromised by knocking, then walking in.

  The candles and oil lamps brightened the otherwise cheerless room. Gabrielle was nowhere in sight, and Solan lay sleeping in his bed. The room had Gabrielle's distinctive mark upon it. Everything looked clean and fresh, even down to the cut flowers in a vase upon the table.

  I went to stand at Solan's bedside, noticing the thin reed sticking out from a mug of water. I smiled at the ingenuity, and simply knew that Gabrielle was the one responsible. I probably should have left then, but something held me there. I pulled up a chair and sat, crossing my legs and leaning back. I looked at his face as he slept, swollen and battered from a beating he'd taken at the hands of his own mother.

  I found my fingers weaving their way into my hair. I leaned forward in my chair, elbows on my knees. The last time I saw Solan he looked much the same way. I bloodied his lip back then too, I thought ironically. He was only eight, but I was a younger, more insolent version of the Conqueror then, much more full of myself. Most of all, I was much less tolerant of people in general.

  * * *

  I had just dismounted, and a lad came at me with a small dagger. I remember waving off my guards and even the centaurs, amused that the fellow had the jewels to come after me. I easily plucked the blade from his grasp and backhanded him across the mouth. I had no idea it was my son, the boy Kaleipus invited me there to meet. This dark haired boy with his mane in a wild mop, dirt streaked across his chin, I never took him for my own until he looked up at me.

  Sky blue eyes stared back at me, and as I was wont to do in those days, I pushed him into the dirt. I did so to try to hide my own emotions, dangerously close to the surface, seeing my child for the first time since I held him as a baby.

  "He's the adopted son of Kaleipus." One of my Lieutenants pointed out to me.

  The boy raced back up to me and I caught him by the neck of his shirt, lifting him off his feet to face me. He kicked his feet, but with my long arms, I held him away from me, dangling in mid air.

  "You killed my father!" he screamed.

  My expression changed, and I quieted the boy with a stony glare. "Who told you that?" I hissed.

  I could see the fear in his eyes now.

  "Some people said it." He squirmed. "They said the Destroyer of Nations killed Borias, my father, in the war with the centaurs."

  "Things happen during a war, boy. Don't believe everything a drunken centaur tells you."

  "I hate you!"

  I brought his face closer to my own and answered him in an intimidating tone. "You hate me do you? I guess that makes me your enemy. You best remember, boy, don't ever lose your head in front of the enemy... or you just might lose your head to the enemy." I sat him on the ground, turned away, and remounted my horse.

  "They said you killed my mother, too!" He shouted up at me.

  That certainly caught my attention. I remember wanting to climb inside a hole and die right then and there. No matter what I did from this point on, Solan would grow up thinking of me as the Conqueror, the woman who killed his mother and father. Although I wasn't the one who struck the fatal blow to Borias that night, I did kill Solan's mother. Somewhere, long before Solan was born, I killed Xena of Amphipolis. I killed her just as surely as if I'd taken her life at the end of my blade. I made a deal with the Dark God of War, and Xena was no more. In her place existed the Conqueror.

  I looked down at the angry young boy and left him with words that I hadn't even remembered until this moment. "No one stays around forever, boy. Get used to it."

  * * *

  "Did you come to gloat or to sleep?" I heard Solan's voice mumble hoarsely.

  I quickly raised my head to see sleepy eyes staring at me. I hadn't even realized I nodded off.

  "You talk in your sleep, Conqueror," Solan accused.

  I feared that I repeated some of what my dream encompassed, but instead of Solan's usually angry glare, there was confusion in his expression. I was uncertain as to how to read him.

  "I'm sure it was of no importance," I answered.

  "Perhaps not to most," he returned quickly, if not somewhat cryptically.

  "Uhm, how are you feeling? All things considered, that is."

  "Considering you tried to kill me, you mean?"

  "Thirsty?" I asked, motioning toward the pitcher of water, ignoring his reply. I wasn't certain whether he was being facetious or abrasive.

  He nodded and winced. "She left some medicine... uh, can I have that first?"

  I noticed the forced tone to his voice. He was only being civ
il to get what he wanted. I wasn't about to fool myself into thinking that one day with Gabrielle, and Solan suddenly developed a conscience, or manners. I wanted to laugh at myself... that was how it was when I met Gabrielle, though, wasn't it? After one night with her, I wanted to be more. Actually, Gabrielle made me want to be a better woman. I noticed, too, when he said she left the medicine. It was as if Solan couldn't, or wouldn't, speak Gabrielle's name.

  I stirred the liquid in the bowl and held the thin reed up to his bruised lips. Once I returned the bowl to the table, I offered the mug of water until he drank his fill.

  "Have you eased your conscience yet?" Solan asked.

  I knew instantly that he referred to the fact that I was there. Gods, the boy loved pushing me!

  "There are a good many things that still gnaw away at my conscience, Solan, but I have to say that whipping your ass on that field is not one of them," I lied. "You look warm," I noticed the sweat on his brow.

  "Actually, I'm kind of cold," he answered.

  I crossed the room to add a couple of logs to the fire; a warm, orange glow then lit the room. It seemed to warm my soul as well as my body.

  When I turned around to look at him, I enjoyed the surprised expression he wore due to my words. Our uncomfortable silence was broken by a knock, then one of the kitchen maids entering the room. She brought a tray with instructions from Delia. It seems my friend, and personal cook, had made Solan's nutritional needs her own special mission.

  "Shall I assist you, my Lord?" The young woman asked Solan. She appeared hesitant, as if Solan had cuffed her about in the last day or so. Either that, or she had heard how ill tempered he could be.

  "What is your name?" I asked. It amazed me that I had so many people working in this palace, and I knew so few of their names.

  "Lydia, Lord Conqueror."

  "I'll assist him, Lydia. Thank you for bringing the food and thank Delia for me also."

  "Yes, my Lord." She fairly ran from the room, and I don't know if it was me, Solan, or all she'd heard about the two of us, which caused her to take flight so quickly.

  The boy made short work of the food. It seemed to go smoothly enough even though I tipped the bowl too far, and some of it ended on the napkin covering his chest.

  "At least she managed to get it in my mouth, and not bathe me in it." Again, his offhanded reference to Gabrielle.

  "I'm a ruler, not a maid," I answered. I was beginning to grow short-tempered by his constant, sniping remarks. I was allowing him to get to me, even though I told myself that was exactly what he wanted.

  He asked for a drink of water again, and I, like an idiot, fell right into his game. His skin appeared rather flushed and he was sweating a bit, so in my own defense, it made sense. It had been nearly the sixth or seventh time he asked for a drink, taking one sip each time. I could swear he was actually grinning this last time. He was baiting, and even though I knew it, I couldn't stop the inevitable. One the eighth request, I blew.

  "Ares balls, man! You're going to float away with the sea of water you're drinking!"

  "She said I should. She said the medicine would make me thirsty." He answered casually, patronizing me as if I were a child, which as this moment I was doing a wonderful job of imitating.

  "Oh, she did, did she? Well, then I suppose it must be true, since you're making everything that came out of her damn mouth sound like it came from Almighty Zeus himself!"

  He chuckled then and I froze. Good Gods…he's worse than Gabrielle, I thought as I realized he didn't even have to lead me to that proverbial water to drink... I ran there myself, and dove right in. The next thought I had was how delightful the sound of his genuine laughter was, even if it was at my expense.

  I could do no more than what I always did when Gabrielle showed me up for being so obtuse. I smiled and shook my head.

  "You are such an ass," I said. By now, I was chuckling at my own actions.

  "You're easier to bait than her, though. She pretends she can't hear half the things I say, but you know she does. You, though, you're pretty classic, Conqueror. Your temper's about as short as a blade of grass."

  My face grew serious at that. "Perhaps if I'd spent half my life being abused, instead of being the abuser, I might have the same qualities that Gabrielle seems to possess."

  My words took the smile from his face. It must have been the medicine because I heard him sigh loudly. Just when I was about to feel compassion for the boy, he stepped into it all over again.

  "I'll tell you the same thing I told her. This won't work, what you're doing. I'm not an idiot, Conqueror. There isn't a leopard in the jungle that can truly change its spots," he hissed. "Oh, it can hide, camouflage its markings, but it can never truly change."

  "What in Hades are you talking about?" I asked. One moment we were sharing a somewhat laughable, awkward moment, the next instant, Solan's suspicious nature came into play.

  "Being nice to me won't help... not now, Conqueror. It's too late."

  He turned his head from me, and although he was a man, I thought I glimpsed a hurt little boy, before his eyes looked the other way.

  "It changes nothing," he hissed.

  I was thoroughly confused at, not only this turn of events, but also the very words he spoke. They seemed to make no sense, and I truly wondered if the boy was talking to himself or me. Perhaps the medicine was causing him to hallucinate, or perhaps it was reacting badly within his body. I'd seen instances of men who became raging lunatics while on herbal medications. The instant the herbs where cleansed from the body, however, the individuals returned to their right minds.

  "Changes nothing! You and she... I can see what's happening. You can't make up for it now... you may think you can with a pat on the head, and a 'good boy,' but this won't change things. It won't change anything."

  Did I say suspicious nature? I'm sure I meant rampant paranoia. I crossed the room and poured myself a large goblet of wine from the flagon on the table. I downed about half of it in the first swallow. "What won't change things?" I asked. My back still faced the boy.

  "You being my mother."

  He spoke the words so matter of factly that I was stunned, my feet frozen to the floor. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I heard him wrong. I thought that perhaps what I heard came from my head, and not Solan's tongue. This was ludicrous, wasn't it? The boy was ranting, hallucinating... perhaps too much painkiller. I was still too afraid to turn around. If I faced him, confronted him with his words, then I would have to deal with them, wouldn't I? Am I ready for this? Was he ready for this?

  "You were never meant to discover that, Solan. Who told you this?" I asked. At last, I turned to look him in the eye.

  "You did," he said slowly from his clenched, swollen jaw. "Just now. I thought..." he blinked sweat from his eyes, and his face now held a feverish cast to it. He licked his bruised lips. "I thought it absurd... impossibly implausible... so, it's true. You gave me away like so much rubbish because you didn't want me."

  He suddenly appeared rather vulnerable.

  "That's not true!" I cried out, moving closer to the bed. "Whoever told you that lied. What I did that day was the hardest thing I'd ever done! I agonized over that decision!"

  "For how long?" he whispered. "Heartbeats?"

  "Don't you understand what your life would have been like with me, provided you had lived past your first birthday? You would have been a target for everyone that wanted to get to me!" I hissed.

  "So you got rid of me just like you got rid of my father. Borias was--"

  "Borias was a fool!" I paced the room, my hands pushing back the hair that fell into my face. How had this meeting gone so wrong, so fast? "Look, I don't like to say it that way, but he was."

  What happened to my life so suddenly? This was happening much too quickly. Why didn't I simply shut up? Why didn't I say it was all a lie so we could go back to our mutual tolerance and dislike for one another. Why was I allowing this to happen?

  The answer came t
o me as soon as it echoed through my brain. Somewhere, deep inside, I truly wanted Solan to know that I was his mother. I can't really say why I desired this, but I can say that I think I wanted it to be so. I didn't want to keep it a secret any longer. I wanted this one piece of my past brought out from under the dark cloak I'd wrapped around it for the last twenty-three seasons.

  "Do you think it was easy?" My tongue forged ahead, while my brain told me to just quit talking and deny it all. "Do you think you would have lived any longer with your father than you would have with me? Borias was a fool because he grew idealistic. He thought he could just quit the life we led. You don't just walk away from being a Warlord! People aren't going to just let you walk away from a thing like that, not when you spent the previous ten seasons killing them."

  "So, you killed him?" Solan's voice was hoarse. I thought it was from emotion, but I realized his eyes had a glazed, faraway look in them.

  "No, but I was responsible. I didn't have the kinds of feelings I should have for the man, those were my failings, Solan, not yours. I was sorry he died... afterward, but at the time... well, I have to admit that I would have fought him myself if I thought he stood between me and my goals."

  I stood by the bed now, attempting to look anywhere but at Solan.

  "I don't understand," he said

  When I looked up, I could tell by his expression that he didn't understand. He had built all this up for so long, really only half expecting it to be true. It probably became convenient to believe in it, convenient to blame any, and all, failings in life on it. Perhaps it was the reason why he'd never taken responsibility for his own actions. It might have become second nature to blame me for everything. Now that he was faced with the truth of it, he looked as though he'd been kicked in the gut.

  "Why?" Solan asked softly.

  "Because it's what I did best. I was an evil, sadistic bitch. I did everything for only one reason, and that was for how it would profit me. I was as hateful, ruthless, and as power hungry as I could get away with being. I did what I wanted because I was strong, and others were weak."