The Love in his Heart

by Indiana Wake

  “Jimmy!” Katie said with the same pleasure she always displayed on seeing him.

  “How are them sunflowers of yours coming along, Katie?” he asked and peered down at the bonny little girl with the ash-colored hair, so like her father’s.

  “They have grown this much since you were last here,” Katie said with pride as she displayed the growth spurt of the sunflowers between thumb and forefinger, leaving a gap of half an inch.

  “Well, that sure is good news. I reckon you must be a natural.”

  “Yes,” Katie said, nodding vigorously in agreement.

  “Is your sister home?”

  “Yes, she’s in the kitchen with Ma.” Katie was already turning away from him. “Better go and check the sunflowers again,” she said and darted away as Jimmy laughed quietly to himself.

  He tapped lightly on the kitchen door and opened it, bobbing his head around and smiling at Grace and Janet.

  “Come on in, Jimmy,” Grace said with a warm smile.

  “Hello, Jimmy.” Janet, on the other hand, seemed far less at ease with his sudden appearance than he would have expected.

  “Slow day at the diner?” Jimmy asked with a wince before smiling and sitting down at the kitchen table.

  “No, it was just fine,” Janet said and looked down at the table top.

  “Is everything all right?”

  “Help yourself to peach tea, Jimmy.” Grace interjected with a somewhat extreme brightness. “I’m just going to check on Katie.”

  “You’ll find her by the sunflowers.” Jimmy laughed but felt curiously flat all of a sudden.

  The moment Grace left the kitchen, a silence fell, and Jimmy wondered what on earth had happened. The air itself felt grave and serious and Janet looked even more so. But worst of all, she seemed to be unable to meet his eye.

  “Janet? Is something wrong?”

  “I’m all right,” she said, and he recognized the deflection.

  “That’s not what I asked,” Jimmy said and waited for her to respond. When she didn’t, he went on. “Look, I just called by to see if you wanted to go to the barn dance on Saturday. I thought it might do something about that boredom of yours. I reckon it’s been a month or two since we last went.”

  “I can’t.” Janet looked suddenly panic stricken and her cheeks were flaming red.

  “Janet, what is it? Something’s happened, I can tell.”

  “Oh, Jimmy. I don’t know if I can talk to you about it, that’s all,” she said, and her expression did nothing to dissolve the growing unease.

  She looked so forlorn that Jimmy would have given anything to put an end to whatever it was she was suffering. He couldn’t bear to think of her feeling upset, whatever the reason. Jimmy wanted to get up from the table and scoop her into his arms. It was something he’d never done, although he had thought about it often enough.

  “Janet, you can talk to me about anything. You’ve always been able to do that. We’re friends, aren’t we?” He stared across the table at the top of Janet’s head as she continued to look down miserably.

  “Yes, we’re friends. I hope we’ll always be friends,” she mumbled, and Jimmy’s mouth went dry.

  There was something about the phrase which held a sort of finality, an ending. He was torn between needing to know more and closing his eyes and ears to whatever was coming next.

  “But?” Jimmy said and was surprised by his determined tone.

  “Jimmy, someone else already asked me to go to the barn dance with them.” Janet spoke on the draft of a long-held breath, the words propelled from her by force.

  Jimmy felt strangely aware of his own stomach, of exactly where it sat in his abdomen. He knew he should make some reply. He should say something which would diminish his appearance of shock and hurt. It would do him no good to wallow in the pit of his unwelcome feelings and have her know it.

  The truth was, he didn’t know what to feel. He didn’t know what name to give it. It was painful, whatever it was, and its existence in his body made him feel angry. Not angry with Janet, just angry.

  “I see,” he said after a pause that was far too long. “So, who are you going with?”

  “It’s nobody you know,” she said and, although she was far from her old self, she seemed relieved to have the larger part of her admission out of the way. “He’s new in town is all and came into the diner. I guess we got to talking and he asked me to the dance. That’s all. I mean, it’s nothing serious, it’s just a dance.” Finally, she looked up at him and one look into those bright green eyes was enough to let Jimmy know that it was not a simple nothing. Maybe it wasn’t serious, not yet, but it was clear that it had the potential to be.

  Any relationship had the potential to become serious after all. Except, apparently, the one he had with Janet.

  Jimmy felt somehow diminished by the whole thing, as if sitting there with her somehow made him less of a man. He didn’t want to be her friend, sitting there on the edge of her life, smiling and nodding as she gave him all the details.

  He wanted to rail against it. He wanted to berate himself for not being man enough to make his feelings known sooner. Why had he been so content to let their friendship roll along in the same old way for so long when he’d known for more than a year that he was in love with her?

  It was either a lack of courage or laziness, neither one of those traits was appealing.

  “You look angry.” Janet said sheepishly. “But I can go out wherever I like and with anyone I choose.” Her defensiveness was creeping in and he hadn’t even said a word.

  “Of course, you can.”

  “And I don’t have to get your permission, Jimmy. We’re only friends, that’s all.”

  “Nice words. Why don’t you just screw years of friendship up into a ball and toss it over your shoulder, Janet.” He felt angrier still.

  Not only was he hurt, but now he was being blamed for it, as if he had no right to ask a single question. He rose to his feet.

  “Where are you going?” she asked and sounded as much at a loss as he felt.

  He knew he cared for her more than this, but he couldn’t just fall into caring about her feelings when his had been trampled over without warning.

  “I’m getting out of here.”

  “Why?” He could already see that she was regretting her phrasing; if only he could let it go instead of taking it to heart and letting it grow and grow.

  “Janet, since we’re only friends, why do you care?”

  “Don’t be that way, Jimmy. You know me well enough to know I’m just tripping over my words and that’s all. You know how much I care about you.” Tears rolled down her face now and Jimmy knew they were real.

  She looked devastated and Jimmy knew he was on the verge of blowing the whole thing, of losing her forever if he didn’t take a bit of time for thinking and sorting through it all. Was he really going to blast out of there and turn his back on her? What if this really was nothing more than a one-time trip to the barn dance? Could he really trample on his own chances just to give his pride free rein?

  “I know, Janet. I know.” He remained standing but made no move to leave.

  He was coming to his senses, the shock and disappointment wearing off a little, and he would do everything in his power to keep his cool.

  “Please don’t just turn against me as if I’m doing something wrong. I know I’m not, I’m just living my life.”

  “Sure.” He nodded and wished he had some clever argument, but he did not.

  “And maybe it’s time you lived your life too. You’re a handsome man, a real nice man. You could find someone just like that.” She smiled at him and clicked her fingers and he had never felt more miserable in his whole life.

  “I guess.” He smiled back although it hurt his face to do so. “You never know, maybe I’ll find a girl this Saturday at the barn dance.” He tried to laugh and hoped it was light enough to be even a little bit convincing.

  “Yes,” she said and now it was h
er turn to look unsettled.

  So, she didn’t want him to be at the barn dance. And maybe it would be better for him if he stayed away altogether. Did he really need to see the man who had knocked him clean out of the way? Did his pride really want that kind of battering?

  But all the questions in the world would make no difference. Jimmy Dalton needed to get a look at the man, whoever he was. He needed to see it with his own eyes and, if there really was no chance of real love between him and Janet, no future whatsoever, then he reckoned he needed to get a hold of that idea sooner rather than later.

  And if that was the case, then why not find a girl of his own? This was his town too and if he wanted to go to the barn dance on Saturday and find a pretty girl to dance with, he’d do just that.

  “Well, I reckon I’ll leave you to it, Janet. I’ve had a long day out on the ranch and a good meal and rest are what I’m after right now.” He nodded and smiled in his ordinary style, suddenly proud to have at least an appearance of unconcern about him if nothing else. “Maybe I’ll see you at the barn dance. And if I don’t, you have yourself a fine time.” He finally turned for the door.

  “Thank you,” she said with relief. “Goodnight, Jimmy.”

  “Goodnight.”

  5

  Janet had spent the rest of the week running over the conversation she’d had with Jimmy. Her emotions had swung wildly from being determined that her life was none of Jimmy Dalton’s business to knowing that their long friendship should mean more to her than blaming him would suggest.

  The truth was, Janet rested largely between the two ideas. She had craved change and excitement, but she would never have wanted to hurt her old friend in any way. She didn’t want a single thing to change between them but, seeing Jimmy’s initial reaction, Janet began to wonder if such a thing was possible. Perhaps she was expecting too much of him.

  But then he had recovered himself, or seemed to, and had even talked of a little excitement of his own. Janet had felt relieved; the conversation had been had, and Jimmy had come out of it relatively unscathed. And, of course, Janet wanted nothing but the very best for her old friend and she would be delighted if he found a little excitement in his own life, just as she had done. Wouldn’t she?

  “Now, you’re a sight for sore eyes, Miss Janet Lacey.” Came the deep tone of Ray Burnett to shoe-horn her out of her reverie.

  She was waiting outside the now-closed diner, just as they had arranged, although she had arrived a little early.

  Janet had been making her preparations all afternoon, her excitement starting to eclipse the disquiet she felt whenever she thought of Jimmy. She had tried on just about every pretty dress she had hanging up, which had been something of a tiring experience, and had pinned her hair up this way and that until she settled on a simple style that she had always liked and always been complimented on.

  With her curls tamed into shiny ringlets, Janet had swept her hair up at the front and pinned it high, leaving her long ringlets free to cascade down her back.

  And she had chosen her favorite pale blue dress with a very pretty mixture of tiny dots and flowers to give the fabric interest. It fit her really well, especially when she teamed it with two bright and full petticoats which made the dress flounce about her ankles as she walked.

  Grace had been complimentary but reserved, and Janet knew why. Sensing a tension between Janet and Jimmy, Ma Grace had done what she always did; she asked what was wrong and offered a listening ear.

  But when Janet had told her about Ray Burnett, Grace had seemed not only taken aback, but a little quieter than she might ordinarily have been. It was as if she too needed to take a little time to digest the news.

  In the end, feeling a little awkward, Janet had set off sooner than planned and hence she had arrived early.

  “Thank you, Ray.” Janet smiled happily, pleased to see him there to finally rescue her from her strangely awkward solitude out the front of the closed diner.

  “I hope you’re ready for a mighty fine evening.” He smiled lazily at her, making her heart pound with excitement.

  She was pleased to feel an emotion that wasn’t dull or guilt-ridden as they set off down the road towards the town barn. Ray held out his arm and Janet took it gladly, almost defiantly, as if to show her duller feelings exactly who was boss.

  “I am certainly ready for a fine night, Ray. It seems to have been a long week.”

  “It’s seemed like a long wait to get me here, I must admit.” Ray turned to smile at her as they walked.

  “Even though you came into the diner every day?” Janet laughed.

  “I reckon that made it worse.” He winked at her and her heart leaped up to beat with some pressure in her throat.

  There was plenty of other folk out in the town that evening, most of them couples and most of them clearly on their way to the town barn dance. For the first time ever, Janet really felt as if she were a part of it; a young woman with her handsome beau and her hopes and dreams bouncing giddily in the direction of a merry night.

  She’d been to the barn dance countless times before, mostly with Jimmy, and mostly to spend the evening chattering with old school friends and dancing the night away. And it had been fun, really fun. But fun in a safe way, a familiar, warm, and cozy way.

  Tonight was new ground for Janet. Ray Burnett, older, wiser, and a free-roaming cowboy with more confidence than could be stuffed into his broad-brimmed hat. He was certainly not a man she would describe as either safe or familiar. And it was all part of the appeal. Ray was a break from the normal, a whole new path to wander down.

  “You’re teasing me, Ray,” Janet said with less shyness than she’d felt on their first meeting.

  Ray really had called into the diner every day, if only to talk to her for a few minutes before he set off again. And she had been glad of it, knowing it had eased her nervousness no end before the big night itself.

  “Maybe a little. But I sure did come into the diner every day for a reason.”

  “And what was that?” Janet asked shyly.

  “A pretty girl like you must get attention every single day. Every hour. I just wanted to make sure you’d remember me.” He leaned forward and kissed her forehead without warning.

  If she’d had time to register the intimate little maneuver, it might well have taken her breath away. But it had all happened so fast that, by the time they made their way into the lively barn, Janet had begun to wonder if it had happened at all.

  “Sure is a fair old crowd in here tonight,” he almost had to shout over the band of enthusiastic fiddlers, the banging of boots on floorboards as the dancing got underway, and the whoops of delight from all present who seemed intent on enjoying the evening.

  “It’s always like this,” Janet said and smiled into the crowd.

  “I thought you said this was a boring town. It sure doesn’t look like a place where nothing happens.” He grabbed her arm and carted her off to the dancefloor with such gusto Janet squealed with surprise and delight.

  As he spun her around in a much more expert manner than his claims to be a poor dancer had previously suggested, Janet wondered why it felt so different in the barn.

  She was no stranger to the dance and she had been right when she’d said that the crowd was pretty much the same as it had ever been. And yet to her, they seemed livelier. She could feel the excitement in the air for a change and she could easily see enjoyment in the faces of the folks she and Ray were dancing with.

  Being a little taken aback, Janet came to the conclusion that she could see the excitement of others now because she was feeling it for herself. She could identify it now instead of looking past it. And she was as sure as she could be that Ray Burnett was the cause of it all. If anyone was responsible for making life exciting, it was the handsome cowboy, no doubt about it.

  * * *

  Jimmy had been in the barn since the first of the revelers had come bounding in to start their evening. He could feel the familiar hum of g
ood feeling that always made itself known in the town barn on dance night and, as always, he found his spirits lifted on account of it. And despite himself too, for Jimmy had felt like a stranger in his own body for days on end.

  Ever since Janet had chosen someone else over him, he’d found every day seeming to lose its point, its meaning.

  Work had been grueling for the first time he could remember, each day seeming long. As Janet would say, every day was so boring it felt forty feet long.

  Janet had always made him laugh with her firmly given declarations, often wild but spoken so vehemently that they appeared to be facts. She was the very queen of exaggeration at times, but she was so light-hearted and funny that he’d always enjoyed that aspect of her personality. And knowing that, Janet had always played up to it, adding to her performance just to make Jimmy laugh.

  He smiled to himself and found a hay bale to settle down on for a while to watch the little groups coming in through the wide-open wooden door. Jimmy wanted to top up his mood, to hold on to the feeling of energy he always sensed at that gathering. And, as tough as it was to seep through, it was working just a little.

  “Howdy, Jimmy.”

  He looked up to see Laura Gavel smiling down at him.

  In his mind, he always thought of Laura as Laura Price, using her maiden name as Grace Lacey always did.

  He knew that the two women were the best of friends and that they had traveled the arduous Oregon Trail from back east together some years before.

  “Mrs. Gavel, how are you going along?” Jimmy grinned up at her.

  “Oh, don’t you go making me feel old, Jimmy Dalton. It’s Laura.”

  “Sure thing, Laura,” he said. “Can I get you something to drink or is Cole here with you?”

  “Thank you, dear, but Cole sure is here and lining up to get me some fruit punch as we speak.” She sat herself down on the hay bale next to him.

  Laura had married Cole Gavel a few years ago and he and Janet, just thirteen at the time, had enjoyed the wedding celebrations immensely.