The Love in his Heart

by Indiana Wake

  They had danced and sneaked a little of the punch with liquor in it and had a roaring time throughout, so much so that when he thought about it now as an adult, it seemed like a celebration of their friendship rather than the nuptials of Laura and Cole.

  “Looks like it’s going to be a fine night,” Jimmy said and tried to sound like his old, enthusiastic self.

  “How are you holding up?” Laura asked and winced a little. “I mean, well, Grace said something, you know.”

  “Oh, I’m just fine.” He looked over to the line of folks waiting for a drink and suddenly hoped Cole was at the front of it and soon to be returned to his wife.

  It wasn’t that he minded Grace saying anything because he knew it would only come from a place of worrying about him and caring for him. And even Laura’s mention of it was something he could look on in the same way. It was just that talking about it made it real and that was the last thing he wanted.

  “You know she cares for you so much, Jimmy,” Laura went on awkwardly.

  “Yeah.” He nodded. “She does. We’re real good friends and I guess that’s what friends do.”

  “It is.” She seemed diverted by his statement, but not for long. “These things have a way of working themselves out in the end.”

  “I guess whatever happens, happens.” Jimmy looked at the line of people waiting for drinks again wistfully.

  “What I mean is, sometimes a person has to almost lose something to be able to see clearly into their own hearts.” She patted his hand in an almost motherly way.

  “I already know what’s in my heart.” Jimmy had spoken the words before he’d had a chance to stop them.

  “I’m not talking about you,” Laura said and looked over to where Janet was walking in on the arm of a man, her beautiful face a picture of excitement. “Just you wait and see.” Laura rose from the hay bale and smiled warmly.

  Her husband was beginning to work his way back through the now heavy crowd with a drink in either hand. He was jostled all the way, spilling much of the fluid before he reached them, but he was the kind of man who took it in good part.

  “Howdy, Jimmy.” Cole beamed. “I’d have fetched one for you, but I’ve only got two hands.” He laughed.

  “I already have one.” Jimmy nodded to the floor where a half-drunk cup sat at his feet.

  Feeling awkward to remain seated while his company stood, Jimmy scooped up his drink and got to his feet. The three of them fell into conversation for which he now found himself grateful. To have been sat alone while Janet was whirled energetically about the dance floor would have made him feel suddenly exposed, as if his feelings were right there for all to see.

  “And how are things at Darcey’s?” Cole Gavel asked, referring to the immense ranch Jimmy had worked on since finishing with his learning at fourteen.

  “Just fine, Cole. Busy as always, and Drake Darcey is increasing his herd all the time.” Jimmy was pleased to have something else to focus on.

  It was hard not to let his eyes stray to the dance floor now and again, however, for he had finally recognized the man Janet was dancing with.

  He was one of the cowboys who had just come to town to work. He’d heard they’d come down from the north of Oregon looking for work and had only seen them in passing down on the ranch. For the most part, they spent endless hours wandering the vast plains in the hot sun where so many free roaming cattle wandered.

  So, all it took to make the world exciting for Janet was a cowboy. A man who did just what Jimmy did all day long, essentially. A man who rode horses and rounded the herds. And yet to look at her face, to see the life there in her eyes, he might have been a gold prospector or a magic man.

  “Yep, that would explain the sudden appearance of cowboys from out of town,” Cole said in response, drawing Jimmy’s attention back to the conversation.

  As the evening went on, a few more folk added themselves to the little party Jimmy found himself in, each of them asking where Janet was before being quietly informed that she was there, just with someone who wasn’t Jimmy.

  Jimmy really wanted to just leave, but he had painted himself into a corner by even attending in the first place. All his time spent convincing himself he had every right to be there seemed wasted now. And his idea that he was only going to find a girl of his own was, he knew, nowhere near the truth of why he was really there.

  Jimmy had gone to see for himself, to convince himself that Janet was just making a mistake. He wanted to see the competition and, now that he had, Jimmy felt worse than ever. It didn’t matter that Jimmy was the taller, the broader, and the younger man. It was all just shallow, of no consequence at all because, despite all he’d thought that went in his favor, Janet still preferred the cowboy.

  She wanted to spend her time with Ray Burnett, a man she didn’t even know if she could trust.

  He was older, he was more worldly and traveled, and he’d probably whirled no end of bright-eyed Janets across many a dance floor in countless towns.

  And none of it made a difference now.

  “Don’t look so glum,” Laura Gavel whispered into his ear, surprising Jimmy. “There’s more than one pretty girl with her eye on you tonight.” She seemed triumphant as she nodded her head in the direction of two local girls, both of whom seemed to be studying him appreciatively.

  “Oh, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” Jimmy said, feeling deflated by the very thing he’d hoped to achieve.

  Now that he had the opportunity, it felt more like a complication he could live without.

  “It’s just a dance, Jimmy. As far as I am aware, the Reverend is not in attendance tonight. You won’t have to marry anyone.” Laura laughed, and Jimmy joined in; maybe she was right.

  “Well, I guess it couldn’t hurt,” he said and turned to nod a silent greeting to the girls.

  6

  Janet and Ray had been up on the dance floor for more than half an hour and she found herself growing more thirsty and tired by the minute.

  Ray seemed to have boundless energy, laughing and smiling as he twirled her this way and that. And, despite the minor physical strain, Janet was enjoying herself thoroughly. It was as if she had let go of everything; the tedium of the town, the long days at the diner, everything.

  Nothing existed beyond the very center of the barn and the dancing, and Ray. It all seemed dreamlike to her and Janet realized that she finally had the exciting romance that she had always longed for. Ray really was a good dancer and she made a mental note to give him a good telling off later for telling her otherwise.

  Maybe he was just modest, although his bright-eyed confidence, so freely displayed, would tend to refute that.

  The carefree feeling of the evening, however, came to an abrupt end when she caught sight of Jimmy standing with a group of people which included one of her mother’s dearest friends, Laura Gavel.

  To anybody else looking at Jimmy, he would have seemed much as he ever did. Content, engaging, a part of things. But to Janet, the person who knew him better than anybody, he looked anything but.

  She could see his discomfort, his gentle nods as he talked to people who were undoubtedly asking where the old friend who seemed never to leave his side was that evening. And his determination to angle his body slightly away from the dancefloor told Janet very clearly that he had already seen her there and did not want to look any longer.

  If only there was some way to enjoy life, to accept something new and exciting, without the feeling of having to let go of everything that was old and comfortable. Why couldn’t she have Ray and Jimmy in her life, each of them occupying a separate space?

  She felt dull suddenly, knowing that it was far from fair to expect Jimmy to simply fit in wherever he could. Sure, she did not have to stitch herself to Jimmy Dalton forever, but he had an equal right to turn away from what he did not want to look at. That was just the way of things.

  But it didn’t stop her missing him, for she already did. This was the first time she
had seen him since the awkward, anxiety ridden conversation around the kitchen table just days before. And even though she had been relieved to have spoken the words, to have told him everything, Janet found she hadn’t slept any better that night than she had done on the ones previous.

  Even the following day, Janet had almost determined to head over to the Dalton place after she had finished at the diner. She planned to just sit there with his father until Jimmy returned home from a long day at Drake Darcey’s ranch.

  But even as she had planned to go, Janet wondered if she would be doing nothing better than tipping salt into an open wound. She would just be going to make herself feel better, to set eyes on the friend she had seen every day of her life for year upon year. It was selfish, and she knew it. Jimmy was a quiet man, one who kept much of what went on inside to himself, and she knew that he needed time to think, to work through things. And she owed him that much, at least.

  “What’s the matter, darlin’?” Ray said, putting a halt to their dance as he pulled her toward him. “Why do you look so down all of a sudden?”

  “I’m not down at all, Ray,” Janet lied as she smiled brightly. “I just guess I’m getting tired is all.”

  “You can’t keep up with an old man, then?” Ray said and began to move her about the floor again, although much more gently and sedately this time.

  “You’re not an old man, Ray.” Janet was suitably diverted, if not entirely diverted. “You can’t be any more than twenty-six, twenty-seven?” she said and raised her eyebrows.

  “Well, that will do as a compliment. Twenty-eight.” Ray chuckled. “So, do you want to give up on the dancing for a while?”

  “No, maybe just a few more minutes, huh?” Janet was determined to leave the dancefloor in the happy mood she had entered it with.

  She wanted to chase away whatever it was sitting in the pit of her stomach trying to get her attention. A few more minutes dancing and concentrating hard on the handsome cowboy was, she hoped, sure to be enough to return her bright spirits.

  “Whatever you say.” Ray began to lead her this way and that with a little more gusto.

  But, despite the bright smile on her face and her very best efforts, Janet couldn’t stop her gaze wandering over to where Jimmy stood time and time again.

  It was just a little look here and a little look there, but it was enough to give room to the uneasy feeling she was trying to dispel.

  And her secret study of her old friend almost turned her upside down entirely when she saw him cross the barn to speak to Beth Standfast.

  Beth had been in the schoolroom with them both, albeit a couple of years younger. But now, at seventeen, she certainly had become one of the town’s prettiest girls, with her shining dark hair and large brown eyes.

  Janet stared at them intently, watching Beth’s contented expression and staring at Jimmy’s back, as if his very posture would somehow give her a clue as to what he was feeling at that moment. But Ray moved her again, taking her a little deeper into the crowd of dancers, obscuring her view of her friend altogether.

  It wasn’t until some minutes later that she saw Jimmy and Beth on the very edge of the dancefloor. She tried to convince herself that Jimmy had only asked Beth as a means of upsetting her, but he was clear across the dancefloor from her, only coming into view now and again.

  If he’d wanted to make a point, Janet reckoned that he would have come a lot closer to make it.

  “What’s so interesting?” Ray asked, still smiling even though Beth was sure there was an edge to his voice.

  “Nothing, Ray.” She dragged her gaze away from Jimmy and stared most determinedly into Ray’s handsome face. “I guess I just am not able to keep up.” She laughed.

  “All right then, time for a drink?”

  “I reckon so, since you’ve had me up on my feet dancing for nearly an hour.” She took his arm and he led her to a hay bale on the long side of the barn.

  She sat down and realized just how exhausted she was, and how thirsty.

  “So, I’ll go and get us something to drink.” He grinned. “Just don’t you go leaving me, d’ya here?”

  “As if I would do that,” Janet said, feeling pleased once again to have the full attention of the handsome cowboy. “Just the fruit punch for me. I mean, not the one with liquor in it.”

  “Come on, live a little,” he said in a cajoling tone.

  “No, just the fruit,” she said with a broad grin and watched him head off to join the back of the long line of folks waiting for drinks.

  As soon as she saw him take his place in the queue, immediately setting up a little conversation with the man just ahead of him, Janet stared back onto the dancefloor. She scoured the dancers for any sign of Jimmy with Beth Standfast but could find none.

  She looked back to where he had been standing earlier and, although she could see Laura and Cole Gavel, Jimmy was noticeably absent.

  For some reason, her mouth went dry and she felt a swell of sensation in her chest as the thought struck her that Jimmy had left. Once again, she scoured the room, this time looking for Beth. The barn was packed to the rafters and, in spite of herself, Janet rose from the hay bale to her feet as if to get a better look. It was suddenly more important to her than anything that one or the other of them still be in the barn. She would just have to wonder why that was later.

  “Are you having a good night?” As if he had been placed there by some miracle, Jimmy was suddenly at her side.

  He looked all about the dancefloor as well as if wondering what on earth Janet was looking for.

  “Yes, thank you,” Janet said a little formally as relief swept over her. “I mean, yes, real good. And you?” Once again, her eyes darted this way and that; perhaps Beth had gone.

  The idea gave her some small amount of comfort.

  “Good enough, but it’s been a long week and I reckon I’m going to call it a night. A man can only stand so much excitement, right?” He grinned and looked so much like his old self that Janet wondered what could have caused the sudden upturn in his spirits.

  “Well, goodnight,” he said and nodded before turning to leave.

  “I saw you dancing with Beth Standfast,” Janet said, stopping Jimmy in his tracks before she could do anything to keep it all to herself.

  “Yes, we had a dance.” He nodded. “I guess I’ll be on the way now.”

  “But where is Beth?” Janet immediately regretted the question.

  “And where is Ray Burnett?” He looked annoyed with her for the first time.

  “He… well… he’s just gone to get me a drink.”

  “Goodnight, Janet.”

  “Are you leaving with Beth?”

  “Do you see Beth?” Now Jimmy looked furious, and it didn’t make her feel any better to know that he had every right to be. “Well?”

  “I don’t, I just wondered if she’d gone on ahead.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. Look, just forget it,” Janet snapped back at him although she knew that her anger was only for herself, not Jimmy.

  “I’ll leave you to your night. Just be careful.”

  “What do you mean?” Janet’s tone was still harsh, and she wished she could rein it in.

  “Well, he’s an older guy, right? Just remember that he is no stranger to new towns and barn dances and wide-eyed girls.”

  “That is absolutely none of your business.” Janet knew that she was being unreasonable.

  “And it is absolutely none of your business who I dance with or who I leave with,” he said and turned again, pausing after just a few steps to return to her.

  “Look, I don’t want this,” Jimmy said, lowering his tone to something gentler, barely audible over the dancing, music, and shouting. “I don’t want to be arguing with you every time I see you. We never behaved like this before, did we?”

  “No, we didn’t.” Janet blinked hard as she felt tears spring to her eyes.

  “So, you just go on having a good night,
right? Let’s not be enemies, huh?” He smiled at her and reached out to lay a hand on her shoulder for just a moment. “And take care. I mean generally, altogether, just take care.” He smiled warmly, just as he would have smiled at her on any other day of the week for as long as she could remember.

  “You too,” she said, still blinking.

  As Jimmy walked away, she watched him go. In many ways, she wished they’d left things on an argument for now she just felt sad, as if something had ended, and she would have given anything to have a little indignation to fall back on.

  “He works up at Drake Darcey’s ranch, doesn’t he?” Ray appeared suddenly at her side, so suddenly that Janet jumped.

  “Yes, he does,” Janet said and realized she sounded a little guilty, as if she had been caught out.

  She knew it was ridiculous, but there was something about the way Ray studied her that made her blush, and not in the way he ordinarily made her blush.

  “So, what did he want?” Ray went on, standing in front of her with a cup of fruit punch in each hand.

  “Just to ask if I was having a good night, that’s all.”

  “And are you?” Ray’s broad grin returned with striking handsomeness.

  “I sure am.” Janet smiled, determined to forget not only the words of the last few minutes, but the feelings. “So, do I get my drink at last?” She held out her hand.

  “You sure do.”

  Just two sips were enough to tell Janet that Ray had plumped for the liquor-rich version of the fruity beverage and she winced her complaint silently.

  “Come on, live a little,” he said and took her hand, sitting them both down on the hay bale. “Aren’t you the one who complained that this town is boring?”

  “I guess,” she said and looked doubtfully down into the cup.

  “Or maybe you’d like to just leave early like your friend there?” He looked towards the barn door after an imaginary Jimmy.

  “No, no I don’t,” she said, still struggling with her feelings.

  Suddenly, something of her old spirit came back and seized her, and she was thirstily drinking down the entire cup without thinking about it. She was determined to enjoy her night, to get every bit of excitement out of her first romantic evening with a handsome man. And she wasn’t going to let Jimmy Dalton stand in her way.