The Love in his Heart

by Indiana Wake

  As she looked at her daddy, tears rolling down her cheeks, Janet felt as if she had been dragged back through time.

  “I’m so sorry, Daddy,” she said and sniffed.

  “You don’t have anything to be sorry to me for.” He smiled at her before turning his attention to his horse. “Although, I’m worried now.” He chuckled lightly. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you take the saddle off that horse and see to him. You normally come to an abrupt halt, jump down, and leave him standing in the middle of the yard with the saddle still on his back and sweat running down his flanks.”

  “I know, but that’s me, isn’t it? Selfish, childish, never helping out. All these years and I’ve just stood and watched as Grace did everything, getting meals ready, seeing to the baby.” She shook her head.

  “Now come on, this is just silly. And you always helped out with Katie, you know you have.”

  “Only when it suited me, Daddy. You can’t keep making excuses for me, it’s time that stopped. You’ve always been so kind to me, you’ve always given me the benefit of the doubt, even when I was at my very worst. And then Grace came along, and she did just the same. I was horrible to her, you know I was. But she never turned her back on me. She forgave me for everything and never looked back.”

  “That’s just how families work. You’re not the only child in the world who ever needed a bit of forgiveness.”

  “But you’re doing it again, you’re letting me get away with it.”

  “I don’t know what it is you want me to say, Janet.” Josh took his hands out of his pockets and slowly walked toward her. “I suppose I never did.”

  “Don’t go blaming yourself, that is all me. You and Grace aren’t the only ones I took for granted, are you? Look at the way I treated Jimmy over the years. I was a horrible, angry little girl, and nobody would be my friend but Jimmy. Nobody wanted to be his friend because of it. Nobody wanted to be around him and risk being around me. So, what did Jimmy do? The same as he always does. He looked out for me first and foremost, and at his own expense. He waited for me to be a nicer girl before he ever got back another one of his old friends.”

  “You were kids back then, everything’s changed now.”

  “Yes, everything has changed. It’s changed beyond repair, Daddy, because I don’t know how to fix everything that I’ve broken.”

  “Janet, you’re so young. And you’re not the first girl in the world to fall for a handsome cowboy.”

  “No, but I didn’t fall for him. I fell for what I thought life should be. I fell for my own determination to turn everything upside down, to turn everybody upside down.”

  “I never thought I’d say this, honey, but you’re right. I’m standing here trying to find every argument I can to spare your feelings, because I’m your daddy and I love you. But I reckon the time has come for me to be a darn sight kinder than that. I guess it seems kind of strange that I’m going to have to hurt your feelings to be kind, but maybe that is what you need.”

  “It is,” Janet said, her voice wavering with emotion.

  “I’m proud of you for getting here, Janet. Real proud, honestly. But you’re right, you’ve been belligerent, you’ve headed off into disaster just like you always did. Chasing after Ray Burnett was just another little display of the sort of danger Janet Lacey is prepared to put herself in. I knew he was nothing to you, I could see it from the very beginning. I just wish that that good for nothing waster realized that he meant nothing more to you than that old tree out back. You just wanted to climb and fall, and I wish I knew why. I wish I knew why it is you wanted to hurt yourself all these years.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “I know you are,” he said and finally pulled his daughter into his arms and held her tightly. “But don’t let this be where you end, Janet. Don’t spend the next seven years punishing yourself like this. Listen to everything you’ve told yourself, everything you’ve dug up and looked at. And work with it, do something with it.”

  “I intend to, Daddy. I know I have to.”

  “That’s my girl.” He kissed the top of her head. “And Jimmy will be back. He’s only gone for a year, honey.”

  “A year?” She looked up at him in miserable confusion.

  “That’s right. He’s going down the mines for a year. I’ve just come from Ben Dalton’s place.”

  “So, he’s coming back?”

  “He sure is. And I don’t reckon his feelings for you will have changed one bit.” Josh Lacey smiled at her warmly, drying her tears with his giant hands. “He’s going to earn himself a good bit of money and then come back here and start off his own ranch, just as he’s always wanted. And maybe a year is more than long enough for him to get over all of this, what do you think?”

  “I hope so,” Janet said. “Daddy, I’m so tired.”

  “Come on, let’s go in.”

  By the time Janet climbed into bed, she had already packed everything she needed to take with her; clothes, food, and money. After her conversation with her father, she had sat in silence and thought long and hard about what she was going to do. After all, running off in the early hours before the sun had even come up, dashing across the open plains in search of what she wanted, was just exactly the sort of thing that Janet Lacey would do.

  But this time it wasn’t needlessly foolhardy. It was risky and daring, yes, but not just for the sake of it.

  This time she had a purpose, the only purpose that would ever matter to her again. She was going in search of Jimmy Dalton, the only man she had ever loved. The only man she ever would love.

  20

  Jimmy could hardly believe how quickly everything had moved. He’d arrived at Culver Ridge in time to find lodgings and take some rest before setting out in search of work the next morning. The mines really had been the best idea, for he’d had no trouble at all in finding the work he wanted.

  It was a step in the right direction. He’d been pleased by the promise of a drastic increase in wages but knew without a doubt that it would come with its own price.

  Even as he was giving his details to the sullen pit manager, he could see men coming up from their shift, the whites of their eyes startling and wide, and their faces unrecognizable from the layers of coal dust.

  He could hear coughing almost constantly, turning to look each time he heard it. But nobody else turned and even the coughers themselves seemed hardly aware they were doing it.

  But it was only going to be a year, that was all. He could survive that, he knew. Or at least that was what he told himself for the rest of the day.

  And that was what he told himself all night too, for he had lain awake in the darkness anticipating his first day in the mine.

  By the time he was standing in amongst the line of men getting ready to go deep into the earth, Jimmy was already exhausted. The men around him chattered with enough contentment to give him hope that all would be well, that it couldn’t be so bad.

  That a person could get used to anything in the end, especially if they’d known no different.

  Jimmy looked up at the pale blue sky of an early autumn day with appreciation. He had a stifling sense that he was to be robbed of such a sight for the rest of the day and found he wanted to take in as much of the daylight as he could; enough to see him through the long, dark hours.

  He stared at the sun and wondered suddenly what Janet was doing. Was she rising from her bed, ready to start a long day in the diner? Was she staring up at that same sun with the idea that the day was going to be long and uneventful?

  “Right, stick with Olsen here,” came the sullen tones of the pit manager. “He’ll show you the ropes today and tomorrow. After that, you’re on your own. There’s not much too it, just hard work.” The manager gave a weary smile that managed a little sarcasm.

  Perhaps the man thought Jimmy was a total stranger to a hard day’s work.

  Jimmy followed the man called Olsen as if his life depended on them not becoming separated. As they walked down throu
gh the pit entrance, the light seemed to dwindle with every step they took. There was a constant humming sound, a low murmur of continued conversation, and it was clear that not one of his new companions had even noticed that day seemed suddenly to have turned into night. Or if they had noticed, they certainly didn’t seem to be affected by it the way Jimmy was.

  “Just stay close by. You’ll pick it up real quick. Just like the manager says, there’s not much to it,” Olsen said, and Jimmy was surprised he’d even heard him over the noise.

  The hum of low conversation persisted but now, as they made their way deeper still, climbing down ladder after ladder as if descending into hell itself, there was banging; constant, rhythmic banging.

  “Thanks,” Jimmy said. “How long have you worked down here?”

  “Since I was old enough to swing a pick.” Olsen shrugged, his features strangely lit by the orangey glow of the lamps flickering on the walls of the mine. “I was thirteen maybe. So, I reckon I’ve been at this ten years now.”

  “That’s a long time,” Jimmy said and tried to hide his own horror at such a thought.

  If the first ten minutes were anything to go by, Jimmy couldn’t even imagine how he would last out the whole year as planned and couldn’t begin to imagine ten years, or a lifetime, of working in the dark.

  And that wasn’t the only deprivation. By the time he had made it down to the lower tier of the mine, Jimmy had the sense of being so deep down in the earth that it was almost like death. It was like being buried, entombed, and slowly swallowed by the earth and rock.

  And already he could feel the grit in his throat, the thick coal dust he was already sucking down into his lungs with every breath. How did a man survive in such a place, day in day out, breathing in such muck as lined his nostrils and throat?

  “Some days seem longer than others.” Olsen chuckled humorously.

  “Forty-foot-long,” Jimmy said quietly to himself.

  “I reckon you’re new to mining, aren’t you?” Olsen led Jimmy away down a narrow tunnel, just wide enough for a man to walk down.

  “Yes, I am. First day.” Jimmy blinked furiously, as if that would help him see better.

  The light was almost non-existent in that little tunnel, just a few lamps here and there to diminish the sense of having gone suddenly blind.

  “Well, this is where we’ll be working for some time yet. Days, probably weeks. And if we keep getting a good load from here, perhaps months.”

  “In this tunnel?” Jimmy asked incredulously.

  “It widens out at the end, that’s where the coal is.” And, no sooner had Olsen said it than they seemed to have arrived at a dead end which was only three or four times wider than the tunnel itself.

  Everything they needed was already there; pickaxes and little wooden carts with wheels on for taking the cut coal back along the narrow corridor for somebody else to get to the surface.

  Jimmy was surprised that there was such order in a place, an actual plan, a system. But that didn’t make him feel any better about where he was, and he could hardly imagine how he would get to the end of the day in such a tiny, unchanging place.

  “So, just go at that seam right there with this.” Olsen handed him a heavy pick and shrugged. “You’re tall and strong looking, I reckon you’ll get on just fine.” Olsen smiled in the gloom in the most reassuring way he could manage.

  “Thanks.”

  As Jimmy set about his tedious task, swinging the pickaxe over and over again, he let his mind wander to better times. If he was back home, he would just be riding out now over the ranch lands of his old boss, feeling the cool early morning air against his skin instead of the hot, oppressive air of the mine.

  He would be able to breathe, really breathe, and move great distances at will. He certainly wouldn’t be trapped in a space just a few feet across with the idea that he would be there all day.

  There wasn’t a season that Jimmy didn’t enjoy, as long as he was outside to enjoy it. He’d never found putting up with the weather, for better or worse, difficult at all. The heat, the sunshine, the cold days, the biting winds. They were all signs of life. They were all signs that he lived in a world of day and night, of nature ever-changing.

  But there in that tiny black space, it could be raining, it could be snowing, it could be blowing a gale. It didn’t matter, nothing would ever change down there, not even the seasons.

  Jimmy tried hard to concentrate on nothing more than the job at hand, swinging the ax, hearing the coal fall, bending down to scoop it up. Over and over again.

  He knew it wouldn’t do him any good to spend his time making comparisons with the way things once were. It would only make the decision he had taken all the harder. If nothing else, Jimmy was determined to see this through, come what may.

  It was no good bemoaning life’s twists and turns. It wouldn’t help to resist everything, because it didn’t change it. All he could do was grab hold of life and cling on, following it down every winding path it took him on.

  * * *

  Ma Grace and Daddy,

  It probably won’t surprise you in the least to realize that I have gone in search of Jimmy. I’ve only taken Bess, knowing I ought to leave Daddy’s big horse in the stable. I knew you would be mad if I took him, Daddy, so by the time you read this I will be plodding across the plains no faster than I can walk it.

  I realize this will look like nothing more than you’re used to from me. Another one of Janet’s willful episodes, another chance for Janet to get just exactly what it is she wants.

  The difference is that this time I know exactly what I want. I know what I’ve lost, and I know why I’ve lost it. But if I am to have any chance of getting Jimmy back, this is the only way. I know you’ll worry about me, but please understand that’s the last thing I want. Culver Ridge is only ten miles away and I should only be gone for a few days.

  I just need to find him, I need to tell him all of it. I need to apologize to Jimmy for closing off my heart to him. All I can do now is explain it all out, tell him everything, and hope that he understands.

  And if he doesn’t, then I will just have to accept it, won’t I? Although I’m sure you’re both already sadly shaking your heads as you try to imagine me, your daughter, accepting anything. After all, I’ve resisted everything good in life, and complained about it every step of the way. Working with Daddy, working at the diner, living in this little town which is, if I’d ever bother to take the time to see it, just about the best place in the world.

  Whatever happens, I promise you that things will change when I get back. You won’t have to tip-toe around me anymore as you have both done for so long. I am not a twelve-year-old girl and it’s time I stopped acting like one. It’s time I started to earn my place in this house, not stomp from room to room complaining about my day and waiting for everything to be done for me. It’s time I felt a little gratitude and showed it, isn’t it?

  I suppose I have so many apologies to make, and not just to the two of you. I’m only just realizing now the good fortune of having so many people who care. Connie, Laura, and little Katie. Even she knew in that beautiful little heart of hers that I was doing the wrong thing.

  As I’ve already said, I know you will be worrying about me, but please don’t follow me out to Culver Ridge. I’m a grown woman and you both have things to get on with. I’m not expecting you to come running after me, I need to do this on my own.

  After all, I’m the one who caused all these problems and I’m the one who needs to fix them.

  I’ve packed everything I need, in case you were wondering if I’d just climbed up on Bess and set off on a whim. I have money, a little food, and the common sense to be able to find a boarding house in Culver Ridge when I get there.

  I really will only be gone for a few days, but I will write to you with every bit of news I have.

  Once I’m settled, I’ll start looking for Jimmy. He’ll be new in town too, and I’ve no doubt that somebody will be able to p
oint me in the right direction in no time at all.

  I suppose I’m asking you to trust me when I have never particularly done anything in this life to have earned that trust. There isn’t anything I can do about that now, except behave in a way that shows you that you were right to trust me.

  Please, please don’t worry, I will be perfectly all right. I will see you in a few days, and I love you all very much.

  Wish me luck,

  Janet.”

  Janet, armed with her daddy’s map, had been on the road for more than an hour by the time the sun had come up fully. She felt a pang of guilt when she realized that her mother and father must surely be reading her letter now, worried beyond all reason that their oldest daughter was running headlong into trouble.

  And she deserved every bit of that guilt, she knew it, for everything she’d done before led her to where she was now. If she’d been brave enough to look at Jimmy, really look at him, and allow the attraction that she knew was in her heart all along, she wouldn’t be plodding across the plains now on old Bess leaving a worried family behind her.

  She wondered what she would say to Jimmy when she found him, and if he would ever forgive her. But nothing would come, however much she tried to find the words to rehearse. Perhaps, in the end, whatever she said would have to come from the heart and in the moment. Maybe that was what truth really was after all.

  She looked up into the pale blue sky at the sun, bright, but not as bright as it had been in the summer. Still, the sight of it there coming up over the plains was a wonderful thing and it made her think of Jimmy. Maybe he was there now in Culver Ridge looking up to that same sun, that same sky.

  Or maybe he was already in a coal mine somewhere, dark, miserable, everything she knew that Jimmy couldn’t stand.

  Even if Jimmy never, ever forgave her, Janet knew that she had to get him home, come what may. She couldn’t leave her old friend there doing something that was so at odds with everything he was. He didn’t deserve that. Her best friend and love, Jimmy, was meant for the outside world.