S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B.

by Rob Stevens

  Finn sat back and pressed the heels of his hands against his forehead. ‘I don’t know. I suppose so. Probably. Oh gosh, how did I get into this mess? I should have refused to help but I’m so easily influenced. I don’t know right from wrong most of the time.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Archie said resolutely. ‘Everything’s going to be OK. And, just for the record, we’re the good guys.’

  Archie excused himself from the table and followed the signs to the restaurant’s toilets. Inside the Gents he locked himself in a cubicle, took out his mobile and dialled the number for STINKBOMB’s Emergency Agent Recovery Unit, which Highwater had given to him.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘SEARU?’ Archie whispered.

  ‘No, young man, I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong number.’

  Archie rolled his eyes. ‘Mr Grey!’ he hissed. ‘It’s Agent Yankee.’

  ‘Yankee,’ Holden Grey exclaimed with surprise. ‘Why didn’t you say so?’

  ‘I didn’t expect to speak to you,’ Archie explained. ‘I thought this was the dedicated secure line to SEARU …’

  ‘Searu … ?’ Grey repeated slowly.

  ‘Yes,’ Archie said, lowering his voice even further. ‘STINKBOMB’s Emergency Agent Recovery Unit.’

  ‘Oh, Sear-u!’ Grey stressed the last syllable as if Archie’s incorrect pronunciation had misled him. ‘Yeah, this is it, sure. I was just engaging in a little counter-espionage bluffery, in case you were the November Mike Echo, or enemy to you and me. It’s the sort of advanced field ops procedure you’ll learn about when you’ve mastered the basics.’

  ‘So SEARU is just you?’ Archie’s voice was weak with disappointment. ‘I thought it was a whole team of specialists.’

  ‘No, of course it’s not just me,’ Grey laughed. ‘IC and Agent X-ray are both here too and we make a pretty good team, even if we say so myselves.’

  ‘Not exactly a crack team of SAS commandos though,’ muttered Archie.

  ‘What’s the current situation, as we speak right now?’ Grey enquired.

  Archie cupped his hand over his mouth as he whispered into his mobile. ‘The kidnap went down at four o’clock, as predicted. Two of them snatched this guy from the gallery and bundled him into a black BMW.’

  Archie heard Holden Grey relating what he’d just heard to the others in the room. The sound of static rustling – as if someone was wiping the receiver – was followed by a moment of silence. The next voice Archie heard was Highwater’s.

  ‘Yankee, it’s IC. We’ll evaluate the mission in detail when we meet but, briefly, did you get a good look at the suspects?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘Is that all you’ve got to say?’ Highwater snapped.

  ‘Well, you said “briefly”.’ Archie sighed. ‘OK, there was a tall skinny guy who was like an ant-man or something but had superhuman strength and another one who’s half man, half fish.’

  ‘All right, Yankee, I can do without your sarcasm, thank you,’ said Highwater sternly. ‘And, presumably, you followed orders and maintained your cover at all times during the operation?’

  Archie rolled his eyes skyward as he considered his response. ‘Well, I’m not sure if I would say “at all times”, exactly.’

  Highwater groaned. ‘What makes you think they suspected you weren’t ordinary art lovers?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know, it’s more of a gut feeling than anything,’ Archie said evasively. ‘I mean, I had a sort of fight with one of them and the other one nearly throttled Barney but it’s hard to pinpoint at what stage exactly we’d properly broken cover.’

  ‘You engaged them in a street brawl?’ Highwater’s shriek pierced Archie’s ear, causing him to yank his mobile away from his head.

  ‘They started it,’ Archie mumbled.

  ‘This is not the playground, Agent Yankee.’ Highwater’s voice was now scarily quiet. ‘We will discuss your behaviour another time. Right now we need to get you and Zulu to a safe house.’

  ‘And Finn,’ Archie interjected. ‘He was one of the bad guys – but now he’s a good guy. Actually, I think he always was a good guy – he just gets easily confused on account of having a goldfish brain. Anyway, I think he might be able to help us find Doctor Doom if we can jog his memory somehow.’

  There was a long pause before Highwater spoke.

  ‘I hope for your sake you are not treating this whole adventure as a joke,’ she said calmly. ‘In a few minutes you will receive a text message giving you the address of a safe location. Go there and sit tight until we contact you.’

  ‘Got it,’ Archie whispered.

  ‘Oh, and Agent Yankee?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Do try not to cause any more trouble.’

  By the time Archie had joined Barney and Finn at the corner table, his mobile had bleeped twice, alerting him to an incoming text message:

  Intercontinental Hotel

  Rooms booked under David Zaster

  Housekeeping will come at 10.00hrs to clean up mess

  Archie read it once to himself then quietly to Barney and Finn.

  ‘We’d better get the bill,’ he suggested, attracting the waitress’s attention.

  ‘I don’t get it,’ said Barney, one side of his top lip curling up. ‘Why are they sending housekeeping round? I mean, how do they even know we’re going to mess up the room?’

  Archie turned to his friend, his eyes wide with disbelief. ‘I don’t believe it,’ he said, grinning. ‘All this time you’ve been imagining coded messages everywhere you look and when you finally get a real one, you take it at face value.’

  Barney cocked his head to one side, his face frozen in a confused snarl.

  ‘I think housekeeping is code for STINKBOMB,’ Archie whispered.’ And I think the mess they’re referring to is the one we made of our surveillance mission.’

  ‘Yeah, I knew that,’ insisted Barney, a touch of pink seeping into his cheeks. ‘I just wasn’t sure if you knew it, that’s all.’

  ‘Sure.’ Archie placed a few notes on the table with the bill and anchored them down with a pepper mill. ‘Let’s go.’

  Less than five minutes later Archie, Barney and Finn were in a taxi, on their way to the Intercontinental Hotel. Archie assumed that the freakish gangly man was by now well on his way to Dr Doom’s hideout with his latest hostage, but nevertheless he had made absolutely sure the coast was clear before venturing out on to the pavement.

  Inside the expansive hotel lobby Archie approached the sweeping reception desk, admiring the view of the lake through the plate glass windows while he waited to be served.

  ‘Guten tag,’ he said to the wide-eyed receptionist. ‘I have a reservation in the name of Zaster – D. Zaster.’

  As he spoke he realised the hidden meaning of his false name and his heart drummed harder in anticipation of his official mission debrief.

  The room key – a plastic card – was produced with brisk efficiency and Archie, Barney and Finn rode the lift to the tenth floor. Reaching their room, Archie was just about to slide the keycard into the locking mechanism when Barney placed a hand on his wrist.

  ‘Wait!’ Barney hissed, pressing his back and head against the wall next to the door. ‘You open the door – I’ll go in first. On three.’

  ‘OK, whatever,’ Archie said. ‘One … two … three.’ He slid the card into the slot below the doorknob, turned the handle when the green light flashed and pushed the door open.

  Barney leaped into action, swinging through the doorway and throwing his back against the wall adjacent to the door of the en suite. Archie watched in amused silence as his friend felt blindly behind him for the bathroom door handle, his head twisting from side to side as he scanned the short entrance hall. Locating the knob, he turned it slowly before flinging the door open and throwing himself into the bathroom. Archie heard a succession of noises, which he identified in turn as a toilet seat being lifted, a shower curtain being aggressively swished back and a mirrored cabinet being yank
ed open – closely followed by the tinkle of a number of complimentary toiletries tumbling into a sink.

  ‘Clear!’ Barney yelled before emerging from the en suite and slamming his back against the side of the wardrobe.

  Having stormed the closet – coming off second best to a selection of coat hangers – Barney edged along the wall and charged round the corner into the main body of the room. Archie and Finn waited in the corridor, listening to the sound of bedding being slung around and drawers being snatched open, punctuated by Barney shouting, ‘Clear!’ before tackling another inanimate object.

  Some minutes later Barney reappeared in the doorway, his hair plastered to his head in tight, moist curls. ‘I’ve secured the premises,’ he panted, giving them a thumbs-up sign. ‘The room is clean and unoccupied.’

  ‘Great stuff,’ said Archie, stepping through the doorway. ‘Although I’m pretty sure that’s how most hotel rooms come these days.’

  Archie, Barney and Finn ordered cheeseburgers and Coke on room service and watched a film on the hotel pay-per-view channel. Just before going to bed Archie sent his grandmother a text message to say he was spending the night with Barney – which, he told himself, wasn’t a total lie. He volunteered to sleep on the sofa bed and he lay awake thinking about the events of the last few days and listening to the snores of the other two.

  It still didn’t feel quite real. Who would have thought he would ever be an MI6 agent on the trail of an evil villain? When he imagined what Harvey Newman would say if he found out about his secret life he couldn’t help but smile to himself.

  But his amusement faded quickly when his thoughts turned inevitably to his father. Imagining him inside a giant test tube being filled up with acid or wired up to a machine while running on a giant wheel like a lab rat, Archie’s stomach twisted into angry knots and his hands squeezed into fists of frustration.

  More and more unanswerable questions crowded his head. How many genetically mutated monsters had Dr Doom made to research his ultimate creation? How exactly did he plan to take over the world? Was there really any chance Finn would be able to help them find the mad professor before it was too late?

  Archie tossed and turned, unable to shake the thought that his impulsive actions at the gallery might have alerted Dr Doom that STINKBOMB was hot on his tail. Deep down he knew Finn’s almost non-existent recall would prevent him from offering any substantial leads as to Doom’s whereabouts.

  Archie lay awake long into the night considering his plight. If Doom decided not to broadcast any more clues as to his intentions or whereabouts then STINKBOMB had no chance of preventing him from carrying out his twisted endeavours. And Archie would have no hope of saving his father from Doom’s evil clutches.

  ‘So, let me get this straight, Antony,’ mused Dr Doom, studying the rucksack he was holding. ‘Two kids chased you out of the gallery and tried to stop you grabbing Mr Schumaker?’

  The gangly figure slowly nodded his bullet-shaped head. ‘I got hold of the chubby one but the other one gave Finn a good hiding.’

  ‘Then you let the “chubby one” go?’ Doom raised his human eyebrow in curiosity. ‘How did that come about?’

  Antony hesitated. ‘He dropped that backpack.’ Each word was followed by a long pause as he considered his next one carefully. ‘I thought it might prove useful …’

  ‘… So you dropped the boy and grabbed the bag?’

  ‘Y-e-s,’ Antony replied hesitantly.

  ‘Then our two do-gooders ran off, Finn went after them, and you haven’t seen any of them since?’

  ‘Correct.’

  ‘I’m slightly puzzled, Antony, as to what you thought would be so interesting about a rucksack full of empty chocolate wrappers?’

  Antony concentrated on something on the ceiling.

  ‘But wait – what have we here?’ Doom said, looking more closely at the bag. ‘There’s a name in this rucksack, and not just any old name. It seems our little vigilante is none other than Archie Hunt. It looks like he’s trying to track down his poor old daddy. Isn’t that sweet? Don’t you think, Antony?’

  ‘Sorry?’ asked Antony, who had been so busy trying to look innocent that he hadn’t been listening.

  ‘I said, “Sweet!”’ huffed Doom.

  ‘Oooh yes, please,’ Antony replied eagerly, a long string of drool bouncing from his chin.

  Luckily for him, Dr Doom was already too wrapped up in his own scheming thoughts for the misunderstanding to register. ‘If young Mr Hunt wants to find his daddy then let’s give him a run for his money. Taking over the world is so much more rewarding when someone is actually on your tail.’

  Antony was concerned. ‘What if he gets in our way though?’

  ‘Don’t be so preposterous,’ replied Doom, his shoulders rocking gently. ‘Doctor Doom is much too brilliant to be outsmarted by a mere child. One more sample is all I need before initiating my ultimate creation.’

  ‘Have you identified a victim?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ Doom chuckled wickedly. ‘It’s in the bag.’

  The following morning breakfast was ordered to the room. As Barney devoured cereal, a full English, toast and pastries, Finn watched Sky News.

  When a human-interest story about a skateboarding dog came on Finn laughed so hard that fat tears rolled down his cheeks. Fifteen minutes later, when the loop of daily news had been completed, the item about the dog was screened again – and once again Finn was doubled up with laughter.

  ‘I have a feeling there might be a funny story in a minute about – oh, I don’t know – a skateboarding dog,’ Barney mused.

  When the Jack Russell appeared on the screen for the third time, Finn’s mouth widened into its characteristic circle. ‘How did you know that was coming?’ he asked in wonderment. But before Barney could answer, the dog’s antics had reduced Finn to helpless giggles once more.

  Archie, who had woken first and immediately connected his phone to the hotel’s wireless broadband, checked Dr Doom’s blog for the twentieth time. Disappointment pulsed through him as he saw that Doom still hadn’t posted anything since the art gallery clue. Just as he was closing his Internet browser his phone bleeped twice, but before he could read the incoming text there was a knock at the door, accompanied by a female voice.

  ‘Housekeeping!’

  Barney checked the spyhole in the door before opening it just long enough for three people to enter the room. Helen Highwater strode in first, wearing a black suit and carrying a clipboard – looking every inch the hotel housekeeper recording which rooms had been serviced. Holden Grey entered next, wearing the drab navy overalls of a hotel maintenance man. He was followed by Gemma, dressed in a plain grey nylon smock and white mop cap and pushing a large trolley.

  Archie couldn’t help smiling at his fellow agent’s disguise.

  ‘Don’t say a word, Yankee,’ she warned, her eyes narrowing.

  ‘What?’ Archie held his hands up. ‘I think you look fantastic. I mean – you know – your disguise looks fantastic. I wasn’t saying …’ Archie’s voice tailed off and his cheeks reddened.

  ‘I’m happy to see you too,’ Barney offered. ‘In fact you’ve maid my day.’

  ‘Shut up!’ Agent X-ray grabbed a towel off her trolley and tossed it at him.

  ‘OK, that’s enough!’ barked Highwater.

  ‘IC is right, guys,’ said Grey. ‘You all need to make like cucumbers and that means, er, take a cool pill.’

  Highwater turned to Archie. ‘As for you, Yankee, I’d have thought you’d be on your best behaviour after the dog’s breakfast you made of yesterday’s surveillance mission.’ Her mouth suddenly twisted with disgust as she turned and noticed the strange bulbous-eyed character laughing hysterically at the TV. ‘Who on earth is that?’

  Grey added, ‘And what in the name of Fifty Percent is the matter with his skin?’

  ‘That’s Finn,’ Archie explained. ‘I tried to tell you about him on the phone! Doom genetically crossed him with a fish. H
e was with this other guy at the gallery who was like half insect or something – one of our friendly evil maniac’s more aggressive creations.’

  ‘The insect dude was super-strong too,’ Barney piped up. ‘He held me off the ground with one arm.’

  Highwater eyed Barney up and down, mentally estimating his weight. ‘That is unbelievably strong,’ she remarked.

  ‘Why would Doctor Doom be genetically mixing people with other species like fish and insects?’ Gemma mused. ‘Maybe Finn can shed some light on matters?’

  Finn flinched on hearing his name. ‘Sorry? Oh, hello.’

  Archie explained that the three new arrivals were all members of a government agency tasked with capturing Dr Doom before he completed his mysterious plot.

  ‘Have we met before?’ asked Finn, his eyes fixed on Gemma.

  She shook her head. ‘Er … no. We just got here.’

  ‘You met Barney and me yesterday,’ Archie explained, placing a reassuring hand on Finn’s shoulder.

  ‘IC, Agent X-ray and I arrived this morning,’ Grey explained. ‘We’re going to help track down Doctor Doom.’

  ‘Did you say Doom? I think I might have met him before,’ Finn offered uncertainly.

  ‘Can you remember where?’ Archie enquired, but Finn’s attention had already been grabbed by events on the TV screen. ‘Finn!’ Archie snapped.

  Finn’s head whipped round to face him. ‘Hmm?’

  Archie took a deep, calming breath. ‘Can you remember where you met Doctor Doom?’ he asked evenly.

  ‘Met who?’

  Archie flinched slightly. ‘Never mind.’

  Highwater walked to the window and stood for a moment, gazing at the cool blue lake below before speaking.

  ‘Agents Yankee and Zulu,’ she said sternly, ‘can I speak with you both?’

  Archie felt his heart pounding as, followed by Barney, he approached his boss.

  ‘Yesterday’s mission …’ Highwater said, as if announcing the title of a poem she was about to recite. The two boys nodded contritely. ‘What a complete shambles. I might have been willing to overlook your disobedience had you managed to secure a useful witness but instead you have enlisted the help of a smelly halfwit with a nasty dose of psoriasis.’ Archie opened his mouth to protest but Highwater was in full flow, white saliva gathering at the corners of her mouth as she ranted. ‘Thanks to your antics, today’s papers are full of the details of the kidnapping of a promising young mountain climber from an art gallery There’s also an appeal from the Hamburg police for two witnesses, who were seen brawling with the suspects, to come forward. What was I thinking sending you two on such an important mission? What made me think that kids could actually do the job of fully fledged agents? What on earth were you thinking engaging Doom’s henchmen in broad daylight?’