S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B.

by Rob Stevens

  It was a moment before Archie realised the last of Highwater’s questions wasn’t rhetorical. In fact, she was angrily awaiting an answer. ‘Oh … well, that was my fault. I saw this guy being kidnapped and I thought …’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Well, I thought I might be able to rescue him.’

  ‘And what about the integrity of our mission, Agent Yankee?’

  ‘What was I supposed to do – just stand by and watch him being kidnapped?’ he asked plaintively.

  ‘Yes,’ Highwater shrieked. ‘That’s precisely what you should have done.’

  ‘What if they were going to kill him?’

  ‘So be it.’ Highwater’s eyes were like flint behind her glasses – cold and hard. ‘National security could potentially hang on the success of this mission. That is more important than the fate of any individual – whether they be a record-breaking mountaineer or indeed your father. Is that clear?’

  Both boys studied their trainers and nodded.

  ‘Once you two have been delivered, Agent X-ray will escort Finn to the airport to board an RAF Hercules bound for Northolt airbase. In the fullness of time he will be thoroughly debriefed by a team of medical specialists.’

  ‘When you say we’ll be delivered … ?’ Barney probed.

  Highwater peered over her spectacles at him. ‘In ten minutes some local police officers will respond to an anonymous tip-off from yours truly that I will make when I leave this room. They will come and take you and Yankee down to the station and question you about yesterday’s events. My sources tell me there are already whisperings within the local Polizei that you two are something to do with MI6. If they find out MI6 has been running covert ops – and I use the term in the loosest possible sense – in their back yard without permission we could have a diplomatic disaster on our hands. We need to nip this in the bud. Am I making myself understood?’

  ‘Er … yes, ma’am,’ Archie and Barney chorused.

  Highwater continued, jabbing her finger at each of the boys in turn. ‘You have to convince them that you are just two tourists caught up in a random street crime. If they ask you anything about the secret service just act dumb. Which shouldn’t be too much of a stretch. If you cooperate you’ll probably be freed in about four or five hours.’

  ‘Won’t they be suspicious that we haven’t got any passports or ID?’ Archie asked.

  Highwater shrugged. ‘Tell them the bad guys stole them or you lost them or something. Actually, tell them anything you like but don’t mention MI6 or STINKBOMB and whatever you do don’t mention my name. When they’re done with you they’ll despatch you to the British Embassy. I’ll collect you there later when the coast is clear and I’ve finished my business.’

  ‘Where are you going?’ Archie asked.

  ‘Me? I shall be on a conference call explaining to the DG and Huge Ego … I mean Hugh Figo … why my agents were brawling in the street when they were supposed to be engaged in covert surveillance.’

  Holden Grey nodded to Gemma. ‘We’re about to leave you in the capable hands of Agent X-ray’s, erm, hands. She will remain undercover and guard this room from the outside until the Polizei come knocking.’

  ‘What about Finn?’ said Archie.

  ‘He’ll be undercover too.’ Gemma smirked and patted the giant laundry basket she’d wheeled in. ‘Actually he’ll be under bed covers – and towels or whatever. Our priority is to get Finn back to HQ for a thorough debrief without the German authorities knowing we were ever here.’

  Followed by Grey Highwater marched across the room, pausing when she got to the door. ‘And if I hear that you haven’t followed orders to the letter you’ll find yourselves on a plane to the Falklands quicker than you can say “Livin’ la Vida Loca”.’

  The two adults left the room, closing the door softly behind them. Gemma stared at Archie and Barney.

  ‘Wow!’ Archie sighed, forcing a nervous laugh. ‘What is her problem?’

  ‘Her problem,’ Gemma mimicked, ‘is you.’

  ‘I was only—’

  ‘It might surprise you to hear this,’ Gemma interrupted, ‘but I’m not interested in what you were only. This whole operation isn’t about you. And the sooner you stop treating it like your own private adventure and realise we’re a team, the better.’

  ‘Look, I’m sorry, OK?’ Archie retorted, emotion strangling his voice. ‘I was just trying to help that guy.’

  ‘Well, you may have ruined everything in the process.’

  ‘Don’t you think I know that?’ Archie shouted, tears smearing his vision. ‘It’s my father that’s missing, you know. If I’ve messed up then I’m the one with most to lose.’

  Gemma crossed the room slowly and stood in front of Archie. For a moment she said nothing. Archie drew a wobbly breath and wiped away his tears with his sleeve. Hesitantly he raised his eyes and looked into hers.

  ‘Grow up,’ she said coldly.

  ‘Wh-what?’

  ‘I’m sorry your dad’s been kidnapped, really I am. But STINKBOMB’s mission – your mission – isn’t about saving him – it’s about saving the world.’ Gemma placed a firm hand on Archie’s shoulder. ‘I know it’s tough but you can’t base your decisions on rescuing individuals. You have to follow orders, simple as.’

  ‘That’s easy for you to say, but–’

  ‘Look, I know what it’s like to lose someone, OK?’ Gemma’s voice wavered. Taking out her purse she flashed Archie a snap of a teenage boy with bleached, spiky hair and a pierced eyebrow.

  ‘This is my brother Jason. He went AWOL on Christmas Eve eighteen months ago. We haven’t seen or heard from him since.’

  ‘That’s why you hacked into the police computer?’

  ‘Well, I didn’t find out anything I didn’t already know.’ Gemma shrugged. ‘All I’m saying is this isn’t all about you.’ With that she walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

  Archie looked at Barney and returned his reassuring smile with a single nod.

  Suddenly Finn looked away from the TV and scanned the room. ‘Where did Gemma go?’ he asked.

  When Gemma returned from the bathroom, Barney and Finn were perched on the bed while Archie slumped in the easy chair by the window. He was reading the report of the previous day’s kidnapping at the foot of page twelve of Die Zeitung, the German national newspaper.

  ‘It says the victim was Karl Schumaker, aged seventeen,’ Archie translated. ‘He was an accomplished mountaineer – one of the youngest people ever to conquer Mount Everest and K2.’

  ‘I wonder what Doctor Doom wants with a mountain climber?’ Barney remarked.

  ‘Whatever it is it’s bound to be summit evil,’ Archie said drily before continuing to read the paper. ‘Police believe Mr Schumaker, who was a regular visitor at the gallery, had arranged to meet a friend at the time he was apprehended by two suspects. Police are also appealing for two witnesses who were seen engaging the suspects in a fight outside the gallery.’

  ‘Great work, guys.’ Gemma rolled her eyes. ‘How come you speak German anyway?’

  Archie shrugged. ‘My dad was stationed at RAF Laarbruch when I was younger. I went to school in Dusseldorf for a few years and just sort of picked it up.’

  ‘Smarty-pants,’ said Gemma.

  ‘Not really,’ Archie said humbly. ‘German just came naturally. I had much more trouble learning Italian when we lived in Milan.’

  ‘I see.’ Gemma glanced at her watch. ‘OK, Finn, I need you to jump in this laundry basket,’ she announced. ‘The police will be here any minute and we need to be at the end of the corridor when they arrive.’

  ‘I don’t get it,’ Archie mused absently.

  ‘It’s simple,’ Gemma said as if explaining something to a toddler. ‘I wait to make sure you two clowns go with the police, then I wheel Finn into the service elevator and we leave the hotel through the back door where a British government official has orders to drive me to the airport.’

  ‘No
, I get that,’ Archie said. ‘I don’t get how Doctor Doom knew Karl Schumaker had arranged to meet a friend in the gallery yesterday.’

  ‘Text,’ said Barney definitively.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Schumaker probably made his plans via text message,’ Barney theorised. ‘Having identified him as a target, Doom would have hacked into Schumaker’s phone network and remotely implanted some cyber spyware that echoes the activity on his mobile back at Doom’s hideout.’

  Archie looked at Gemma. ‘Is he right?’

  ‘May well be,’ she said with a who would have thought it? expression on her face.

  ‘My name was in the rucksack we left outside the gallery,’ Archie recalled, feeling his heartbeat pick up like hurrying footsteps. ‘If he knew my name, could Doom have tapped into my phone, read the text you sent me and found out that we’re hiding in this hotel?’

  ‘No way,’ Barney said confidently. ‘MI6 use highly sophisticated software to scramble outgoing messages to field operatives. The text is effectively jumbled up in the ether, remaining totally unintelligible until it is reassembled by the decryption software loaded on to the agent’s handset. Isn’t that so, X-ray?’

  ‘Yes,’ Gemma agreed. ‘Except STINKBOMB doesn’t exactly have access to all MI6 counter-espionage technology just yet so I sent you that message on my own pay-as-you-go.’

  ‘And I don’t have any decryption software on my mobile,’ added Archie.

  ‘In that case …’ Barney nodded as if considering the situation, ‘we’re toast.’

  Gemma shook her head. ‘Not necessarily. It would take Doom considerable time to design the software tailored to latch on to your sim card’s virtual fingerprint,’ she said. ‘By now all he could realistically have managed would be to hack into your network supplier’s database. At worst he might have got your number.’

  Remembering his phone had bleeped earlier, Archie pulled it out of his pocket. When he opened his inbox his heart broke into a frantic sprint.

  ‘I got a text message this morning,’ he exclaimed breathlessly.

  ‘Ah, bless,’ Gemma teased. ‘I was excited when I got my first text too.’

  ‘Really? And was yours from an evil mastermind as well?’

  Barney and Gemma froze.

  ‘That’s right.’ Archie nodded and tapped the screen on his mobile. ‘It’s from Doctor Doom.’

  Archie cleared his throat, pushed his glasses up his nose and read the message aloud.

  ‘Master Hunt. Your father is alive … for now. By 2pm I will have my final specimen and I shall demonstrate my brilliance to the world by creating the genetic blueprint of the ultimate soldier. If you contact the police you will never see your father alive. The last thing I need is to have you snooping around my nice hideout in Caesar’s Palace. Even if you find it you will need to enter a code to get inside. Take my advice – go home. You’re way out of your depth.’

  Archie read the text to himself twice more then looked from Barney to Gemma.

  ‘What do you think?’ he asked.

  ‘Unbelievable,’ said Gemma.

  ‘I know,’ Barney enthused wildly. ‘He’s actually got his own hideout – how cool is that? He really is a full-on Evil Mastermind, isn’t he? I bet it’s on a tropical island somewhere or inside a volcano. At the very least it’ll be perched on a rocky mountainside overlooking an ocean. I can picture him sitting in a leather chair behind a massive desk, stroking his cat and plotting.’ As Barney’s description gathered pace his eyes grew wider and his cheeks shinier. ‘It’ll be in a huge room – like the nerve centre in a nuclear plant or a NASA operations centre or something. There’ll be banks of computer equipment everywhere operated by lots of blokes in boiler suits, and he’s bound to have a computerised map of the world on the wall so he can monitor his quest for world domination. Ooh, and there’s always a tank full of piranhas or shark-infested water under the floor with some sort of trapdoor that he operates from his desk. Whenever someone displeases him, or even just bores him, he’ll press a secret button to open the door and they’ll be gobbled up in seconds.’

  ‘Thank you, Barney,’ said Archie, adopting the serious tone of an American news anchorman. ‘That was our Overactive Imagination Correspondent, Barney Jones, reporting from Cloud Cuckoo Land.’

  ‘Hey Barney. I’ve got a message for you from Reality,’ Gemma added. ‘He says you really should get in touch.’

  ‘But even you said his message was unbelievable,’ Barney protested, his eyebrows dipping into a frown.

  ‘Er, hello?’ Gemma said loudly as though trying to get the attention of someone listening to an iPod through earphones. ‘I meant Doctor Doom’s arrogance is unbelievable. He’s so sure Archie can’t find him he’s actually taunting him with clues.’

  ‘Why’s he contacted me directly though?’ Archie wondered. ‘Why not keep on showing off via his online profile?’

  ‘Because he’s got your father and he gets a kick out of torturing you,’ Gemma suggested. ‘He’s probably punishing you for trying to stop him snatching Karl Schumaker at the gallery.’

  Barney nodded knowingly. ‘Anyway this dude’s so cocky he’s sure no one can solve his riddle.’

  ‘So let’s prove him wrong,’ Archie said defiantly.

  ‘OK, Sherlock,’ Gemma challenged, folding her arms. ‘If you’re so smart go ahead and tell us what the message means. Where is Doctor Doom’s secret lair?’

  The most obvious starting point, Archie decided, was the reference to Caesar’s Palace. Of course he’d heard of the famous hotel of that name in Las Vegas, but that seemed far too obvious and he doubted Dr Doom would kidnap people in Christchurch if his villainous hideaway was far away in Nevada.

  Archie reckoned the next most logical meaning was something to do with a Roman emperor. His knowledge of ancient history was fairly sketchy but he was pretty sure there had been loads of Caesars who had presumably lived in a variety of palaces, not just one. Besides, he wasn’t convinced of the likelihood that Dr Doom would have chosen to set up camp in some historic ancient ruins in Italy’s capital city.

  The phrase ‘Caesar’s Palace’ had to have some other significance – but what could it be?

  Archie gasped sharply as if he’d been plunged into icy water. ‘Barney who does Romario play for?’ he demanded.

  ‘The Brazilian? Lyons, I think. Why?’

  Without a word Archie began tapping frantically at his mobile’s touch-sensitive screen while Barney and Gemma waited expectantly. For a minute the only sound in the room came from the TV, then –

  ‘Gotcha!’ Archie grabbed the air triumphantly.

  ‘Do you have something you’d like to share with the class, Mr Hunt?’ asked Barney.

  ‘Yes! Doom’s lair is in Caesar Romario’s house,’ Archie announced. ‘Footballers always have really fancy pads, don’t they? And Romario is well known for his lavish taste – that’s what he meant by Caesar’s Palace. I’ve just Googled his house and this website – stalkthestars.com – gives you its coordinates and everything.’

  ‘Er, excuse me for spoiling the party,’ Gemma interjected, ‘but why would Caesar Romario get involved with Doctor Doom?’

  Archie bit his lip and scrunched up his face.

  ‘Gambling debts,’ Barney said emphatically. ‘Romario’s probably blown all his cash and Doom’s renting his house off him for mega bucks. Or he’s got himself mixed up with a South American drugs cartel.’ Suddenly Barney’s eyes were as wide as an owl’s. ‘Or – what if Romario himself is one of Doom’s genetic experiments? I mean, he is freakishly quick on the pitch.’

  ‘OK, Zulu,’ Gemma muttered sternly. ‘Let’s try not to get too carried away Assuming we go to Romario’s place, what about the code to get in?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ Archie was almost dizzy with the thrill of the impending chase. ‘Can’t we can work it out on the way?’

  Gemma shook her head. ‘We’ve got our orders. You two wait here for the German fuzz
, I’ll take Finn back to base as planned. I’ll report your theory about Doom’s text to Highwater when she’s out of her meeting. She can decide if we pursue the lead or hand it over to MI6.’

  ‘But we haven’t got time!’ Archie’s voice was shrill with exasperation. ‘Barney and I will be in the police station for hours. Highwater might be stuck in her meeting all day. By the time we get out Doom will have taken over the world and our chances of saving my father will be smoke.’

  ‘We have our orders,’ Gemma growled, glancing anxiously at her watch. ‘Finn – I really need you to climb in the laundry basket now. There’s only two minutes until show time.’

  ‘Which show are we going to see?’ Finn enquired, turning away from the TV to face her.

  ‘Just get in the basket.’

  Finn obliged without further objection and Gemma draped a bed sheet over his head.

  ‘If we follow orders we have no chance of stopping Doom,’ Archie pleaded. ‘You are the only chance my father has. You have to try and help him.’

  ‘And you have to stop telling me what I can and can’t do,’ Gemma snapped. ‘We have orders to follow.’

  ‘You can’t stop us leaving,’ Archie said impudently as Gemma pushed the chambermaid’s trolley towards the door.

  ‘Is that so?’ Gemma said, raising one eyebrow. ‘Well, this can of floor polish is actually pepper spray so I wouldn’t do anything stupid if I were you. Besides which, if you don’t follow orders MI6 will seriously have you on an RAF plane to the Falklands before you can even blink.’

  ‘Well, maybe that’s a risk I’m willing to take,’ Archie argued. ‘As Highwater herself said, national security is more important than any individual’s welfare – mine included. If you walk out on us, you’re walking out on your whole country as well as my father.’