S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B.
Page 21
Archie turned and faced his teacher, who was now standing right in front of his desk. ‘Mr Hunt,’ she said wearily. ‘I’m so sorry to keep you awake. You’ll be relieved to hear it’s just about home time and I would recommend you have a very early night.’
‘Sorry Miss,’ Archie offered contritely.
‘Why are you so tired anyway?’ Miss Moore persisted. ‘Spent the weekend flying your plane around saving the world, I suppose.’ The teacher allowed herself a small smile at her own witty comment.
‘He’s actually Buzz Light-thingummy,’ Newman interjected, buoyed by the positive reaction to the ear-flick incident. ‘He’s probably been fighting off some sort of evil emperor or something.’
‘Is this right, Mr Hunt?’ Miss Moore enquired playfully. ‘Are you really a secret superhero? Did you spend the weekend keeping us all safe from devilish individuals who want to take over the world?’
Yes I did, as it happens, Archie thought, nervously pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. ‘No, Miss,’ he said. ‘I was just out playing with Barney.’
‘Ah yes. Mr Jones.’ Miss Moore turned, arms folded, and regarded Barney as if she was analysing a statue in a gallery.
Barney was slumped over his desk, forehead on his exercise book, snoring gently like a contented horse. Miss Moore tiptoed over to his side and leaned over so that her mouth was just inches from Barney’s ear.
‘Come in, Agent Jones!’ she shrieked.
Instantly Barney sprang out of his seat and swung round, adopting a combative karate stance. ‘Doctor Doom is dead,’ he recited. ‘Genetic disaster has been averted … Mission accomplished. Stand down all units.’ As reality dawned on him his words ground slowly to a halt and he stood in silence, blinking at the class.
‘Well, well,’ said Miss Moore with mock admiration. ‘I can see you and Mr Hunt have had quite a weekend, saving us all from the terrible Doctor Doom!’
‘Yeah,’ heckled Newman. ‘They’re a right pair of Super Zeroes!’
When the wave of laughter had died Miss Moore asked, ‘So what’s your next mission, boys? Any more masterminds on the horizon?’
Archie said nothing but Barney couldn’t quite stop himself mumbling, ‘That’s classified,’ to which the class howled in amusement again.
‘Well, as it happens I have a special assignment for you,’ said Miss Moore.
Archie groaned inwardly while Barney’s eyes lit up. The teacher continued. ‘Your assignment is a one-thousand-word essay entitled “Why I must not sleep in Miss Moore’s Biology Lessons” – to be on my desk by Friday morning. Is that understood?’
‘Yes, Miss,’ Archie and Barney replied dejectedly, although their replies were drowned out by the school bell.
As he left, Harvey Newman made a point of accidentally swinging his rucksack into the back of Archie’s head.
‘Oops! Sorry, Buzz,’ he laughed.
‘Seeya, Hardly,’ Archie mumbled, straightening his glasses. He went out into the corridor and jogged to catch up with Barney. Waiting until everyone else had pushed past them and they were alone, he whispered, ‘I thought we weren’t ever supposed to mention anything about our mission – especially not the names of anyone involved.’
‘I know,’ Barney replied coolly. ‘That was just a little anti-intelligence psychology back there.’
‘Oh right,’ Archie smirked. ‘Because it sort of looked like you accidentally blurted out a load of details from a top-secret assignment?’
‘That’s exactly how it was meant to appear,’ Barney said mysteriously, adding through the corner of his mouth, ‘but I think it’s safe to say we threw them off our scent.’
‘Oh, I agree,’ Archie smiled. ‘I don’t think anyone even smells a rat – let alone a STINKBOMB.’
Name: Archie Hunt
S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B. codename: Agent Yankee
Age: 12
Appearance: Brown messy hair, glasses
Hobbies: Flying, reading, swimming
Favourite food: Pizza, milkshake
Personality: Clever, single-minded and loyal. Becomes competitive when his ability is challenged or doubted.
Special skills: Talented (secret) pilot, capable of flying Dragonfly jet aircraft in challenging circumstances.
Most likely to say: ‘I’m not exactly one of the in-crowd. I don’t play football and I have a slightly nerdy obsession with aeroplanes.’
Name: Barney Jones
S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B. codename: Agent Zulu
Age: 12
Appearance: Blue eyes, blond curls, stocky (i.e. tubby) build
Hobbies: Reading (anything to do with spies), watching TV (anything to do with spies) and going to the cinema (anything to do with spies)
Favourite food: Cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets, sausages, pizza (all with chips, please), ice-cream, sponge and custard, Banoffee pie, trifle, Mars, Twix, Bounty, Snickers, Maltesers, Monster Munch
Personality: Energetic and enthusiastic. Has the potential to become overexcited in the field.
Special skills: In-depth knowledge of spy fiction (see Hobbies), which may provide on-the-money intel on Odious Masterminds’ secret lairs. Must try and limit his use of spy jargon to occasions when he actually understands what he is saying.
Most likely to say: ‘All units, we have a code yellow – the badger has entered the stingray’s cave.’
‘Are you going to finish those chips?’
Name: Gemma Croft
S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B. codename: Agent X-ray
Age: 14
Appearance: Blue eyes, often rolled, straight dark hair with asymmetric fringe
Hobbies: Shopping, Facebooking, listening to music, reading (esp. Twilight novels)
Favourite food: Tuna salad
Personality: A sullen and often cynical facade masks a strong team ethic and motivation. Is naturally suspicious of strangers/newcomers, who will have to work hard to earn her respect.
Special skills: Mathematically gifted. Exceptional knowledge of computer technology – able to gain access to any website or mainframe.
Typical quotes: ‘Keep your voice down, motormouth.’
‘Whatever.’
Name: Helen Highwater
S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B. codename: I.C. (Initiative Commander)
Age: Claims to be 49 (official records show her to be 53).
Appearance: Brunette, angular bob. Grey, cold eyes.
Interests: Theatre, Renaissance art, the symphonies of Beethoven and Brahms. (NB Although she claims to detest the insipid emptiness of pop music, colleagues report that she is often overheard singing the songs of Westlife and JLS to herself.)
Favourite food: Indonesian-French fusion
Personality: Businesslike, authoritative. Likes to win.
Special skills: Excellent leadership and management qualities. Thinks ‘outside the box’, as demonstrated by her suggestion to use kids as undercover agents.
Most likely to say: ‘We have an E.M.U. on our hands.’
‘Does anybody understand what Agent Zulu just said?’
Name: Holden Grey
S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B. position: Tech Branch Specialist
Age: 73
Appearance: White, neatly parted hair (although has recently started spiking it up). Thin silver moustache.
Interests: Listening to the wireless, watching Antiques Roadshow, Coronation Street, MTV Cribs, The Hills.
Favourite food: Steak and kidney pie, jam roly-poly
Personality: Infectiously enthusiastic. Sometimes a little overeager to connect with the young agents.
Special skills: Has a sharp mind but his knowledge of technology is twenty years behind the times. When it comes to designing gadgets his record is somewhat hit-and-miss.
Most likely to say: ‘BWT, guys, the new Kaney West track is, like, so nasty? And by that I mean it’s groovy.’
(Examining an iPod) ‘Over a thousand songs? Surely not at the same time? How on earth do they get them in there? I can’t even see
the eject button.’
Name: Yuri (pronounced Yur-ee) Villenemi
A.K.A: Dr Doom
Location: Somewhere in Europe
Appearance: Strange. One human eye (brown), one reptilian (bulbous and green).
Interests: Evil genetic experiments, world domination, cricket (the game)
Favourite food: Cricket (the insect)
Personality: Psychotic in his determination to take over the world. Constantly feels the need to be appreciated. A keen blogger.
Special skills: Cackling for long periods of time. Genetic science.
Most likely to say: ‘Ah, Mr Hunt – I’ve been expecting you!’
‘Do excuse my friend. His name is Mr Claws but I’m afraid he’s no Santa … and I will take over the world, mwahh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.’
Name: Evelyn Tension
Age: 42 (approx)
Eyes: Green, piercing
Hair: Long, flame orange
Background: An ex-MI6 Scalpel (assassin) with a history of overstepping the limits of her mission. Thought to bear a grudge against the British Prime Minister after he revoked her licence to kill. Suspected to have her heart set on personal revenge, possibly leading to world domination.
Favourite food: Steak tartare
Personality: Vain, charming, dangerous
Special skills: Expensively educated, multilingual, with a sky-high IQ and a black belt in numerous martial arts. An exceptional master of disguise and impersonation, having perfected instantaneous spray-on-liquid-latex-face-mapping technology.
All agents beware – she could be the old man in the bus queue or the schoolgirl in the park.
According to his file Rob Stevens lives on the Dorset coast with his wife and two young sons. He grew up in Bournemouth before studying Engineering at Cambridge University – a notorious MI6 recruiting ground. Government documents list his occupation as ‘Airline Pilot’, which would be the perfect cover for, say, a spy undertaking frequent foreign assignments. MI6 denies that he is a Secret Agent – which is exactly what you would expect them to say.
Also by Rob Stevens
The Mapmaker’s Monsters:
Beware the Buffalogre!
The Mapmaker’s Monsters:
Vampanther Attack!
First published 2011 by Macmillan Children’s Books
This electronic edition published 2011 by Macmillan Children’s Books
a division of Macmillan Publishers Limited
Pan Macmillan, 20 New Wharf Road, London N1 9RR
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www.panmacmillan.com
ISBN 978-1-4472-0609-5 EPUB
Text copyright © Rob Stevens 2011
Illustrations copyright © Aaron Blecha 2011
The right of Rob Stevens and Aaron Blecha to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
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